need quick, very quick advice

[backbreaker]

if you are not familar with my situtation, read my previous post.

Anyway, make a long story short, a girl who I used to drool over contacted me 1 week ago after 2 years, wanted to talk.

She has a BF, we talk every three days or so.

Convo is going pretty good, and from the way things are going I can tell that she has feelings for me.

Anyway, I am not there yet, but here is what's going on...

Today I get a call around 5, which I was walking out my office. She asks what I am doing and we agree to met to go to Starbucks and grab a cup of coffee.

Her mother made her go to Kroger instead so we couldn't go.

However we talked for around an hour and a half. I had a list of predeterminded questions for the next time we talked, and I asked her a random question "If you knew you had no posibility of getting caught, would you cheat on your husband?". She goes off into around a 20 mintue answer and has to call me back because her phone lost rececption.

She calls me back, and the first thing she asks me was "what made me want to ask her that?" Then she reversed the role and asked me what I would do. The key is I was just asking a random question... she was telling me about her relationship.

Then I asked her is it hard to break up with people, and the emotions started to flow. She told me how she wants to break up with her BF but cant' because she has been with him for 2 years... I am thinking "okay, whatever" even though I believe her, I can't let me emotions get caught up in what is really nothing more than damaged goods.

Okay, I have known her for 4 years off and on now. I know her well enough to know if something is wrong or not. Being the good friend that I am, because I really do not want to see a friend hurt, regardless of who they are, I decided to give her a call around 30 mintues ago before I knew she went to sleep to make sure everything was okay with her. When I called her she didn't pick up but she called me 2 mintues later and was sobbing. I never even herd this girl cry before (Also, I have some type of newfound respect for her BF now, I thought he was a chump, actually he is, but seems to have DJ trates).

She tells me that she hasn't talked to her BF in 2 weeks (It's coming full circle now, I think she knew she was going to break up with him before I even started to talk to her 2 weeks ago) and he said, get this "I need some time away from you because you "hold me back"". She says she knows she is in a bad relationship but she has alot at stake, which I can understand.

Here is the thing. I don't want to come off as the " leave him, leave him" guy, but honestly, what he is doing isn't even DJism, it's just plain dumb. This girl is Drop dead pretty, smart and most of all is loyal to him, and he disrespects her by pulling this crap (I have no problem with "playing woman" but only if she either disrespectful or if you knew you weren't going to marry her, they have been together for 2 years, the least he can do is be a man and break up or explain why he feels the way he feels).

I told her to call me back tonight ,and she is going to call me. But even if she doesn't, how do I play this out? This is very unexpected for me, I had a feeling she was not happy but damn.

I am not trying to steal her and I dont' want to date her yet, even if I had the chance; she has to have a month or so to get over him, I refuse to be a rebound guy.

Any advice would be helpful.

 

[uniassign]

Don't contact her. When she calls you, say you are busy. Only call her back to talk about fun stuff. Ignore the whole break up issue. Let her sort her own issues out.

When you give her advice about her current situation, she will associate you with the problem and when she feels ready to get over the problem, she will diss you along with the problem.

 

[backbreaker]

damn....thanks

 

[backbreaker]

Originally posted by uniassign
Don't contact her. When she calls you, say you are busy. Only call her back to talk about fun stuff. Ignore the whole break up issue. Let her sort her own issues out.

When you give her advice about her current situation, she will associate you with the problem and when she feels ready to get over the problem, she will diss you along with the problem.

YOu have to realize, I understand what you are saying, but this is really about more than "getting with her". We were best friends for a while and we are very good friends now... If i had to choose between our friendship and the chance of us being together, I would choose the friendship 7 days a week, so I am a "good friend" not an "emotional tampon"

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Remeber, you are only getting one side of the story, so quit calling her b/f names!

Do nothing, let her decide the outcome without ANY input from you!!!!

 

[backbreaker]

Originally posted by PuertoRican_Lover
Remeber, you are only getting one side of the story, so quit calling her b/f names!

Do nothing, let her decide the outcome without ANY input from you!!!!

That is a great point and to be honest I never thought of it like that.

However I don't believe she is lying, she really has no reason to lie, espically to me.

 

[backbreaker]

situtation update

alright this has been a pretty wild week.


I think I posted this on Tuesday.. that makes sense.

Okay, I'm at work on wednesday morning, around 10am doing some paperwork, and all of a sudden my personal cell phone rings, which is odd for me while I am work.

It was this girl.

At the time I honestly wasn't all that busy, so I decided to pick up the phone and we talked for a second, more like 20 mintues. She had skipped her class to send back an engagement ring he had bought her, as well as a ps2 and a dvd she had bought for his upcoming B-Day. After around 20 mintues or so, I had to go to a meeting so I told her I would call her back.


While I am in the meeting, my personal cell phone rings again. It was her. I thought she had forgot that i was in a meeting so I just let my voice mail get it. She called again and i did the same. when she called a thrid time I knew something wasn't right so I excused myself to see what it was. She is very emotional, and it turns out that someone actually got killed on campus like 10 mintues eariler. I wasn't mad at her for calling because that is pretty dramatic. Because I did have a meeting I was in, we agreed that it would be best to talk about this in person, later on, so I told her I would give her a ring when I was off of work.

(I stayed at work longer than I expected and she had to work later that night so we didn't meet up)

When I finally got back to my office I checked my emails before I left work for the day. I cam across 2 emails from this girl, around 2 hours apart. the first email was a letter that her BF had wrote her that she had fowarded to me. I would post it here, but I don't feel very comfortable doing so.. it pretty much just states that he is sorry for not contacting her for 2 weeks and that he has been working.

The 2nd email was a letter she forward to me that SHE had sent to HIM saying that she didn't want to have anything to do with him any longer. it was very long, and sheded alot of light on what was going on between them. The fact that he had a very bad drug habit, was not doing well in school, lived 200 miles a way and verbly abused her on a constant basis, also add that he never wanted to spend any time with her and they could never talk about anything serious without getting into an arguement were her grounds on leaving him. She said the last straw was that she tried to call him first after the guy got killed at her school and he said he didn't feel like talking.

the only thing that got me, was that she actually told him that she contacted ME! Although he sounds like an *******, I don't know him, he could be a good guy. Now if we ever met he is going to already hold a gruge against me.

Later that night she called me while i was watching TV and we both knew what had to be discuessed amoung other things... She had lied about the reason why she hadn't called me in 2 years. She had told me that she "didn't feel like i wanted to talk to her" but the real reason, and it stated it in the letter was because her BF told her that he didn't want her to have anything to do with me.

Honestly I made her feel pretty bad for that one, simply because we were supposed to be good friends, even before they were together. She admited she was wrong and that shouldn't have let that happen, but to be honest I kind of helped her decision becuause i let her have it the last time we talked 2 years ago. I still put most of the blame on her however and she accecpted it. Also, 2 years ago she knew I liked her, i had even asked her to go out with me, and she said she didn't want a BF at the time, but she met this guy at a party and they were togther after one night.

I understand NOW why that happened because I was too afc to see it then, but that's beside the point. The point was how can calim that I am one of your best friends, and you don't even have the nerve to set me down and tell me that you are not interested in me? That's not what friends do to each other. She said that it was becuase she thought that if she had told me that, she would have lost me as a friend (which she wouldn't have) and she thought by "hiding the truth" that she could still keep me as a friend.

While I was riding around yesterday I got to thinking about the whole situtation and how I really feel and decided to put it on paper. When she called me yesterday, we talked for around 25 mintues or so and I told her that regardless of what happens with her BF or EX BF now, she was going to have to start holding her end of OUR relationship... How can you share some of your innermost secrets with someone, but then not be able to catch up with them for a bite to eat?

She brought up a point that I honestly forgot, that her mom is extremely strict and she doesn't have a long leish to work wtih as far as free time. That compled with the fact that we are both very busy anyway just doesn't make much time to meet up with each other. On a normal day I am at work at 6am and leave around 7-8:30 and on a normal day she is at school from 8am to 5pm then at work from 6pm til 11pm, so I could understand what she ment.

I then cut to the Chase and told her that she knew I still had feelings for her, i would be lying about the ovbious to someone who knows me better than almost anyone else If I said I didn't. She said "I know".

Me: "What does I know mean?"

Her: "lol, it means I know. Don't you think I thought about that before I dug up your address to write you that letter?"

Her: "let me put it this way, I wouldnt' have contacted you if I didn't want to talk to you"

Me: "okay, what does THAT mean?"

Her: "everything you said is correct (even about me ), we do click when we are together, we are both very motivated people, we can talk to each other about literaly anything, you are sucessful and I want to be sucessful and most of all we are both very loyal people. It's not that I DIDN'T like you 2 years ago, but you were lacking some of the qualities that you have now. You were a dreamer, not a businessman or an entraprenuer, whatever you call yourself. More importantly you are more laid back and more understanding now, and you aren't afraid to tell me how you feel about ceratin things"

Me: Yes but you sill haven't explained what you ment by what I said a second ago.

Her: "I'll leave it at this for now because I have to go soon, I've thought about you alot for the last 2 years"

Me: Kat (her nickname), are you saying that you have a crush on me?

Her: "(smiling).. Maybe".

(I ended the convo after that because we both had to get up early this morning)


Also a quick note for thoose of you how care, I saw her with this guy around a year and a half ago. He was short, around 5'6, and pimples on his face, not the unglist guy on earth, but not a lady killer either. couldn't really dress and looked really nervous. I thought this was one of her friends i had never met.

In the Convo we had last night she mentioned that she saw me at the movies around 6 months ago but couldn't get the nerve to come say hi. I said I saw her a year and a half ago with this guy. She was like "oh that's (my ex bf)." I couldn't help but laugh. I told her I see why he was so insecure, he knew he had scored out of his league (she is drop dead gorgous folks, espically if you like hispanic woman).

anyway, this guy was around average. he wasn't just a nerdy guy who sucked I would be overexadrating then, but he was by no means a looker (i'm not gay).

She was like " I told you that looks really don't matter, he makes me happy, well, made me happy...wait, okay we had fun sometimes".

That goes to show that looks do matter but not to every woman, and they are not the determining factor on who a woman dates.

 

[white_hype]

i cannot help laughing at you

everything you do right now she will be lenient with b/c she just got done with her BF of 2 years and is pissed off therefor when you come around she will think "well hes a lot better than my ex BF was!" and you are very lucky she is in this state b/c you did a lot of AFC stuff that most girls would POSSIBLY let you get away with but wouldnt forget

how could you not pick up that this chick likes you? who goes out of their way to contact someone they hate? or kinda like? get a dam clue, she wants your nuts and now that shes AVAILABLE she got YOU in the picture

YOU + HER = GO OUT NOW

GOT IT?

haha, sorry but it sounds like you need a reality check

keep up the emotional tampoon stuff and it MIGHT work or you might turn out to be GOOD FRIENDS

ie- you- awww are you sad? i havent seen you in 2 years but you just called me and i bought you a ring
her- uh thanks..

you-i have nothing going on in my life right now but work, lets hangout after work and you can tell me all your problems!!


you- i like you
her-i wouldnt have contacted you if i didnt like you
you-what does THAT mean?!?!?! (clueless)

 

[backbreaker]

the reason I was doing "AFC" thing is becuase she is my damn friend dip****. I said it a couple of times that we were best friends before we stopped talking and If I had to choose I would take being her friend any day of the week.

I dont' even think I would f**k her if I were given the opprotunity.

Yes she is hot, she is very hot, but looks are only skin deep. I wouldn't date or have sex with her if I didn't think it would last because our friendship is that much more important to me than her pvssy.

However, thanks for your imput

 

[white_hype]

if you wouldnt fvck her then why would you post this on THIS site?!?!

i am not trying to tell you how to have a friend you dolt, which you seem to know how to do buy all the stuff you pulled, i am trying to help you form a gf/bf relationship...

sex is part of any long lasting/loving relationship and if you dont want that from her at the start then WTF ARE YOU DOING, just keep being her friend and SHUT IT

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Yes, she wants you, but you should not get yourself involved with the ex b/f mess - too much drama!

Since she just left a relationship, give her time alone for a few weeks, let her go through her own tribulations without your inteference - this wouldn't be too hard since you both are extremely busy.

Do not get 'friendly' with her and become her emotional tampon, you haven't seen this girl for two years - not a good way to start. Be compassionate and understanding and leave at that - keep convos involving drama short!

I don't like her comment that you were a 'dreamer' a few years ago and now you are a entrepreneur! Every man is a dreamer, but women don't want you when you are dreaming, they only want you when you are awake - when you already have something goiing on.

Be careful with her motives young man, be careful!!!

Remember, she contacted you out of the blue, without provocation on your part! She saw that you were successful and now 'starts' to 'like' you or is it 'want' you!

 

[backbreaker]

well, she wasn't necessarly lying about me being a "dreamer" 2 years ago... I could come up with grand ideas but never had the drive to follow up on them. This was apparent to people who really new me.


anyway, the reason I posted this on this site is because even though she is my friend, there is no doubt that she is feeling something for me... and I dont' want to make such an AFC move that I can't date her in the future, know what i mean?

Anyway, she called me yesterday around 5ish and asked was I busy. I wasn't, and wasn't going to be, so I said no. She asked If I wanted to go over a friends house and hang out later. I said sure.


we met up at around 8 or so (remember I haven't saw her in over 2 years). I picked her up at her house and she invited me in. Her friends were slow pooking around, so she decided she wanted to take a look at my apartment becuase she had never been there, to kill a little time.

We get there and she really likes my apartment (it's laid). I tell her she can relex if she wants, so she takes me up on my offer and kicks her shoes off and starts watching tv. So after watching sex and the city for 15 mintues or so, we deicded that her friends woudl be a while, so we decided to watch a gothika. I had bought it a couple of weeks ago but I havent' seen it, and neither had she.

Thought the entire movie we were watching it, but also catching up on each other and so on.

I then asked her was she still want to go to her friends house, and she said that it really didnt' matter, but we were goign to do the same thing over there that we were doing now, so I took that is that she didnt' want to leave.

However we did go and grab a bite to eat at around 12 or so at night and came back. After this we really started to talk... mostly about sex. You would think after kowing someone for years we would have known more about each other. She was asking me some pretty risque questions...

Now after were done eatting, she had literlay kicked off her shoes, and put her feet on my otuman, went in my bedroom and grabbed a pillow. We sit down and watched some stuff on HBO like The Rules of Attraction and Hellrasier, although we were really talking the whole time. She had never seen OZ and she didn't believe how groteste it was so we watched both of the episodes that came on that night.

Now it's 3 in the morning, and she says that she needs to go home. I am like that's cool, because it was late and I had agreed to take her to the art mesuem to help her with some school work today. When I drop her off she insisted that I come in to her house so we can finish our converstaion.

We enened talking to I believe 5:30 in the morning, mostly about sex and past relationships and such.

She hadn't seen me in 2 years, and I know I look different then I did 2 years ago, and I could see the look on her face when she first saw me. I also caught her glancing at me pretty much the whole night. Also she keep figiting with her feet and tossing her hair. All tale tale signs that she wanted me to "put it on her", that combined with all of the sex talk. I thought about it, but then I thought better of it, because she has just broken up wtih her BF of 2 years, and for all I know it could be a "quick fix" sort of thing. However, I think we are goign to get together later tonight (the way she was talking when I left her house last night she wanted to) and if she displays the same sort of temperment, I might have to take her up on her offer.