Might have screwed up, HELP

[Beckwith]

Hey guys, I think I might have screwed up. I've been dating a girl for about two months up at college and things had gotten fairly serious, but no "I love you" thrown out. Anyways, with us going our seperate ways for the summer, I thought that we needed to talk about where we "stood" and what to expect upon coming back to school in the fall.

I like this girl alot and she's really into me (compliments me all the time, tells me a I'm perfect, etc.), but I've never been in a "serious" relationship before. Since we had only been going out for a fairly short period of time (2 months), I didn't think it would be good to be exclusive for the summer. So before I left, I told her that I didn't want to pressure the relationship and that I'd like to pick things up in the fall (which is true). Consquently, I thought we should casually date other people during the summer, and keep in touch (talk every two weeks on the phone).

She seemed to think it was a ok idea (no screaming, etc.) and I asked for her input before I left. She didn't really change anything and so that's pretty much the plan. However, on further reflection I am alittle concerned and need some thoughts from you guys.

My concerns as follows:

1) I think it might have been "weak" of me to bring up the relationship talk instead of letting her do it. But I didn't want to leave with no idea of what would get me in trouble with her, and I put it off as long as possible. I don't want to be a "jerk" and I thought having ground rules was appropriate.

2) She's a real romantic and like I said, she likes me alot. I'm afraid I might have turned her off by being so blunt (casually date, no pressure on the relationship, talk only every two weeks). I mean, I'm afraid I might've come off as too insensitive or even weird for being specific like that. However, I didn't want to leave anything up for question.

What do you guys think? Should I have not talked about it at all? Is only talking every two weeks not enough, too much, or a weird rule in the first place?

I called her when I got home, talked for forty minutes, and then said I'll talk to you in two weeks. She seemed fine over the phone, but I can never tell with women. Sorry for the long post, but I need some input!

 

[RKTek]

You made decisions based on the information you had at the time. Given the same situation, you'd make the same decision, so stop beating yourself up now. It's done.

The truth is, a real friend of yours would help you. Here's where you get to see if she's the real deal and bottom line, you're not worried so much about what you said, rather you're chewing your nails knowing that what you just laid down to her was the first of what should be a series of normal DJ relationship 'tests'.

So okay, you've done the DJ thing, no strings attached, let her come to you, let her get in touch with you, let her make a move or two. If her interest is really as high as you say it is, then she will get in touch with you over the summer. If she doesn't call or write within a couple of weeks, then you'll know that you were simply projecting YOUR high interest onto her and that it was all you making the relationship.

You've done the correct thing but putting the ball in her court and now you get to see what she does with it. To me the ONLY mistake you made was wimping out and doing this:"I called her when I got home, talked for forty minutes, and then said I'll talk to you in two weeks." Three mistakes:

1) Talking for more than 15 minutes
2) Making another 'date' while still on that one and
3) Telling her you'll call her in two weeks.

Weak.

Call her in two weeks but set a timer and hang up after 10 minutes.

Regardless, my guess is that your interest level in her is higher than hers in you and you've been deluding yourself. If you're smart, you'll do your best to push her out of your mind all summer and do your best to meet and date other women. If it was meant to be, it will be. After you call her back, do NOT set a pattern for calling. If she wants to call you, fine. You do not call her any more. Let it happen.

In the meantime, you did what you had to do, and what any one of us would have done in that situation. It's done. Play these cards now like a DJ.

 

[Bill]

Originally posted by Beckwith
1) I think it might have been "weak" of me to bring up the relationship talk instead of letting her do it. But I didn't want to leave with no idea of what would get me in trouble with her, and I put it off as long as possible. I don't want to be a "jerk" and I thought having ground rules was appropriate.

You indeed need to get that woman inside of you out asap. But more importantly, let yourself fail and learn from your mistakes.
Bottomline: this was just ONE woman you may have lost, there are millions left in the world; don't give up now pal.
Best of luck.
Respect.

 

[Beckwith]

Thanks for the input

Guys, thanks for the input! Especially from such respected DJ's. Here are my thoughts.

RKTek: Yeah, you're right. Biting the nails doesn't help, but its hard not to as we all know. Once I get a summer job it won't be as bad. However, I think her interest level is just as high (or at least was before I lost my game) as mine. She wrote me a love letter just before I left (very flattering) and she was the one who pursued me (got my number, arranged first date, always offers to pay for stuff, brings me things, etc.). I attribute this success to yall's advice, and I know that not following it can kill the game that has gotten me where I am.

My concern was that because she was so interested in me, and the fact that she's a bit of romantic, that if I did not contact her and let her know that I'll continue to periodically touch base, she'd stop thinking of me as "honest, sincere, trustworthy" the three big things she apparently likes about me. I know, #1 DJ rule is not to care about what the woman thinks, but this girl does not play games as far as I can tell. She's only been in one other serious relationship and it lasted a couple of years (pretty intimidating).

Although I don't like your advice about limiting the conversation to ten minutes, especially when I feel like it'd be to harsh for this girl, I respect the fact that your are a much more experienced DJ than I am. Consequently, I am going to follow it, but I need alittle more detail. How do I get myself out of the every two weeks phone call I promised? I won't just not call; maybe next time I talk I should just say "the phone call thing is to rigid, lets play it by ear". The girl already thinks I'm a bit of a player (thanks sosuave!) and I don't want to cross that fine line of being labeled as a player in the bad sense. Also, we talked briefly about her coming visiting for a weekend in the summer. Is that a good or bad thing?

Bill: Yeah, I do need to kill that inner woman. I don't think I've lost her (not by a long shot at least) but I am afraid that I'm losing the power in the relationship, which can ultimately only lead to bad things.



Thanks for your input guys! Anyone else?? Sadly, I can tell by tell already by the length of my posts that I really am letting this occupy my mind to much!

 

[RKTek]

You wrote:

"I think her interest level is just as high."

Okay, here's the sterling way to let her prove it. IF her interest is sky high, as you think it is, she won't mentally make a checklist of "...well, I called him last, so now it's his turn..." IF her interest is higher than yours, she WILL contact you. The churning you feel in the pit of your stomach is your intuition doubting what your mouth is saying.

"...maybe next time I talk I should just say "the phone call thing is to rigid, lets play it by ear".

YOU TALK TOO MUCH.

"The girl already thinks I'm a bit of a player (thanks sosuave!) and I don't want to cross that fine line of being labeled as a player in the bad sense." And what 'bad sense' is that? The only way it could be 'bad' is if her interest level in you is lower than yours in her. Let's turn this around: You're in love with a beautiful woman that you KNOW could get any guy she wanted (a player) and when she went away for the summer, she told you what you told your chick. Would you worry about this woman every day and want to keep tabs on her? YES??? Okay, now let's say this gorgeous woman called you once a week and talked on the phone for 40 minutes every time. Would you start to lose interest in her because she was too predicatble? In case you didn't know, the answer again is YES.

"I am afraid that I'm losing the power in the relationship, which can ultimately only lead to bad things."

Well, what do you think could possibly get that power BACK to you? Any idea?
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Hint:
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Unpredictability.
Withdrawal
One step forward, two back.
Give a little, then retreat.
Challenge.

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Talk for ten minutes then hang up, with NO mention of when is the next time you might call. If she specifically asks, just say "The phone lines run both ways" or some such, but be evasive and funny about it. Answer her without really answering her.

C'mon man, you need to read parts of the DJ Bible again for a kind of immunization booster shot. You're almost there, be cool.

 

[Beckwith]

Haha; you the man RKTek

Haha; man you really are a Don Juan RKTek! Maybe after 1700 posts I'll be there too... Ah well. I like that "phone line runs both ways" thing with the ****y funny mix. I just have to force myself to do it. Its just hard because like I said, this is my first serious relationship and I don't want to blow it (Although the more I think about it, that wouldn't be the worst thing. I am in college afterall)

I guess I'll just play it like you said; man its tough though. I've been AFC for too long. Becoming a full fledged Don Juan is a scary thing, but also a power trip! Thanks again!

Other comments and thoughts anybody?

 

[Shiftkey]

RKTek, why restrict phone calls to 10 minutes? I don't see how this will raise her interest level or make him seem like a challenge. The reason why guys should normally restrict phone conversations is to save some conversation for when they're on dates. Beckwith isn't going to be going on any dates with her. The phone is going to be their only contact all summer.

Beckwith, my advice is to do whatever your gut is telling you and to stop analyzing this so much. You already have a base knowledge from reading the DJBible right? That should keep you from making any major mistakes. And you're not going to learn unless you try things on your own and make a few smaller mistakes. For your current situation I don't think there's a whole lot you can do to screw up your relationship with this girl.

You should also try and date other girls like you said you would. Don't tell her about them unless she asks, and don't lie about them. This will keep your infatuation in check and make you a challenge while remaining genuine.

 

[Beckwith]

No, conflicting advice!

Shiftkey:

I see your point with not restricting the phone calls, however I do believe that if I talked with her for two hours on the phone, it would be detrimental.

If I had to go with what my gut was saying, I think that talking more than ten minutes is not a bad thing, and that it wouldn't kill the girl's interest. However, what I think might hurt the interest is the regular two week phone call, which we agreed to do before the end of the summer. It is just a little to predictable. In the end though, I think I won't really hurt the relationship too much regardless of what I do , just like you said. Unless of course its something very un-DJ like, such as writing her love letters back.

You are right that I need to make my own mistakes and stop overanalyzing. I guess its a combination of being home for the summer with nothing to do (no friends here, no job yet) and no dating prospects right now. Man, I need to get off my butt and get my game going... Thanks for the help guys!

 

[Shiftkey]

I agree that it's too predictable to be calling her every 2 weeks, but you can just call her whenever you feel like it. It can be 3 days after your last call or 3 weeks, it doesn't really matter.

I see nothing wrong with replying to her letters either, personally...

Challenge isn't as big of an issue here IMO.