The ticking clock that has been nagging Lauren Rankin is not a biological one. It’s one she and her boyfriend Jason created. They’ve spent nearly five years together in a loving, committed relationship, but they set a deadline of March to decide whether or not to break up.
The only thing driving them apart is the question of having kids.
Conventional wisdom would cast this as a baby-hungry woman up against a skittish man, but Lauren’s predicament is exactly the opposite.
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“We’ve both known from the beginning of our relationship that he’s always wanted kids, always wanted a family, and I’ve always been ambivalent as hell about it,” she said. She’s wary of the responsibility and commitment of having a child. But life events have forced the issue. She’s 29 and he’s 34, and he wants to have children before he gets to 40. More pressing is that they live in Asbury Park — a four-hour round trip every day. Jason is willing to move somewhere more convenient, but only if they can agree that children are in the future. “That’s the ultimatum,” she said.
Lauren is part of a growing cohort of women: those in their late 20s and early 30s who aren’t sure about — or are decidedly against — becoming mothers. In a nationally representative survey of single, childless people, more men than women said they wanted kids. (On the other hand, more women reported seeking independence in their relationships, personal space, interests, and hobbies.)
Today’s young women have more of a choice about their fertility than their grandmothers did, and perhaps clearer eyes about the challenges of child-rearing than their mothers. For these women’s grandparents, having children wasn’t a question, it was a given. And they had lots of them.
Lauren has to answer that question, and soon. “I keep waiting for that mom gene to kick in, I keep wanting to just wake up and go, ‘I want a baby today,’” she said. She’s also not willing to tell Jason she could want one in the future if she doesn’t know for sure. But she hasn’t had a moment of clarity yet. “It’s like we’re in the Choose Your Own Adventure book, and I have to pick an adventure,” she said. “I wish I could know which one I want to do, but I don’t know.”
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Thoughts?
The only thing driving them apart is the question of having kids.
Conventional wisdom would cast this as a baby-hungry woman up against a skittish man, but Lauren’s predicament is exactly the opposite.
When Men Want Kids — and Women Aren’t So Sure
Why women today are warier of parenthood than their male partners.
www.thecut.com
“We’ve both known from the beginning of our relationship that he’s always wanted kids, always wanted a family, and I’ve always been ambivalent as hell about it,” she said. She’s wary of the responsibility and commitment of having a child. But life events have forced the issue. She’s 29 and he’s 34, and he wants to have children before he gets to 40. More pressing is that they live in Asbury Park — a four-hour round trip every day. Jason is willing to move somewhere more convenient, but only if they can agree that children are in the future. “That’s the ultimatum,” she said.
Lauren is part of a growing cohort of women: those in their late 20s and early 30s who aren’t sure about — or are decidedly against — becoming mothers. In a nationally representative survey of single, childless people, more men than women said they wanted kids. (On the other hand, more women reported seeking independence in their relationships, personal space, interests, and hobbies.)
Today’s young women have more of a choice about their fertility than their grandmothers did, and perhaps clearer eyes about the challenges of child-rearing than their mothers. For these women’s grandparents, having children wasn’t a question, it was a given. And they had lots of them.
Lauren has to answer that question, and soon. “I keep waiting for that mom gene to kick in, I keep wanting to just wake up and go, ‘I want a baby today,’” she said. She’s also not willing to tell Jason she could want one in the future if she doesn’t know for sure. But she hasn’t had a moment of clarity yet. “It’s like we’re in the Choose Your Own Adventure book, and I have to pick an adventure,” she said. “I wish I could know which one I want to do, but I don’t know.”
——-
Thoughts?