Maintaining IL over a distance

[DJSavvy]

Hi Fellas...

A difficult situation i've found myself in-

I'm a junior in college going to a school on the west coast, and i've known this girl who is a just finishing up CC for about 2 years now. We've always been friends, but thats it. Recently I made a move on her- took her down to the beach and kissed her for the first time, things have snowballed both physically and emotionally from there. We've spent more and more time alone with one another over this break, and she has very high IL. We are not in a 'relationship', but i'd like to be.

We live about an hour away at home, so seeing eachother is not difficult, however she's going back to finish up school which is out of state, (a very long ride) so hanging out every weekend is not an option. We'll see eachother on breaks until she's done.

The question is: How do you maintain IL with a girl who has gone back to school, or gone abroad, or just left for an extended period of time?

• How often should you talk?
• What should you talk about?
• Should you go visit?
• Remain physical and initiate advances when you see her again?

We've started something, everything is going well, now there's a break in contact- can you continue something like this? I've just never seen a relationship, (yes a relationship is the favored outcome) begin like this. Is it possible? If so, what is the best way to maintain it?

Thanks

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Umm... The two of you have just gotten together, there's nothing to maintain. That's the problem with most LDRs, they are created without a substantial foundation to their relationship. It's not as if the two of you are married and one of you are going away in the armed services, it's not as if you dated all through high school, you are just friends who've hooked up. For new relationships to work there needs to be regular, immediate interaction between the couple.

 

[DJSavvy]

Agree 100% in regard to regular interaction. We've just hooked up, and hang out. There is no 'relationship' now, and in my opinion there can not be. It would be nice to maintain something as a foundation to build on for the future should this escalate.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

LDFBs maybe?

 

[DoctorLW]

As long as you keep the relationship open while you are apart, you shouldn't run into any trouble.

 

[everywomanshero]

This isn't the answer you want to hear, but it's just how I cognate.


Q: Should you go visit?
A: When you feel like it, yes. I would also attend super important events, I mean if you like her a lot, you'll probably want to be there for them.

I would not go just for the sake of keeping the relationship alive. At that point the relationship is just "work" or a dreaded obligation, no thanks! I would not continue staying over an entire weekend if I had other places I needed to be or if it just started to feel stuffy or burdensome. I've been guilty of this in the past, and it's been my experience that when I am ready to go, it's best just to go. Basically, I would focus on what makes me happy rather than spending all my free time worrying about what she wants. If the realtionship is only about what works for her or keeping her interested, then what will you get out of it anyway? I've found when I keep myself happy, the other person tends to be happier in the long run.

IME the only relationship worth maintaining over a long period of time is one where the woman is pursuing. There are alot of ways to get a woman pursuing, but mostly it has to come from a place of recognizing one's own value and having the experience to know what you need from a relationship.Most people want to feel that they are getting some validation from a relationship partner, and it's hard to feel that if the partner sees himself as being inferior.

I would also never allow myself to become bitter or resentful. I would continue to pursue other opportunities while she is away. This way regardless of what happens, I'd know I didn't miss out on anything so there would never be any weird emotions. I'm always amazed how many people give other's power over them and later get upset if things don't work out "I gave up XYZ for you.....you ungrateful....". Why put oneself in that situation? Think smart, everyone ends up better off this way.

 

[steve12b]

Easy. Use the time apart to increasingly get to know each other. Trade stories about anything you can think of. Talk about current events in the news, your life, and common interests. My relationship of one year started this exact way (well not at a beach, at a new years party...). Pursuing my gf over long distance before we had even had sex was probably the best move of my life...

I guess the most important question you need to ask yourself is whether she's someone you could love or just date. There's supposedly a big difference (I don't have experience with dating, only the one gf). Once you know her better via AIM, phone calls, texts, emails, etc, then you can decide. Until you decide you might as well pursue other girls, if that's your thing. I know that not everyone on this board has to have constant sex with a different slut each week, but until you know you love this girl you don't have an obligation to be exclusive. If you start to develop strong feelings for her, I would advise that you be exclusive. It'll prevent guilt on your part, and win you major major bonus points down the road. Of course, if you're the guy who needs to get laid constantly and will feel "manipulated" to deny yourself that, then go ahead and do what you gotta do.

For new relationships to work there needs to be regular, immediate interaction between the couple.

Interaction doesn't have to be physical. Words create chemical signals of attraction too.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...Interaction doesn't have to be physical. Words create chemical signals of attraction too.

Words create the illusion of romance, nothing else; ask any guy who has traded emails with a woman online before meeting her. It's a waste of time and effort by building expectations which are seldom realistic. Without an established foundation which was created by physical interaction a guy would be better off just giving a woman a Harlequin romance novel to read until she meets a guy who lives closer and is more readily accessible.

 

[steve12b]

Yeah but he has meet her. I suppose it's unrealistic to assume that attraction will remain after meeting a penpal, but even then it's still entirely possible, although I wouldn't recomend putting your eggs in one basket until you know you have chemistry with that person.