Desdinova
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2004
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I'm in the middle of reading an excellent book written by Jim Belushi called "Real Men Don't Apologize. If you want a basic summary, it's Jim's transition from being an AFC to a DJ. Just from reading this book, I could swear that he's been on this site.
I'm going to post a snippet of it here, simply because I think it would make a great post all on it's own.
===========================================
When I told my good friend Stevie B. I was getting divorced for the second time, he sat me down. I listened because Stevie B. has been my friend for years, and I have come to know him as "the ultimate man." He owns a chain of rib joints. How cool is that? Rich, and buys meat by the ton.
Stevie B. kept ranting, "When the hell are you going to grow up and become a man?" I wasn't happy, but I couldn't see what Stevie B. could see. And that was that - I was at rock-bottom.
He took me out, got me hammered, and told me he was going to make me a man. To do that, he told me I had to define what kind of man I wanted to be.
We as men need to take back our sense of self, define who we are and stand by it, instead of listening to what other people want us to be and then trying to stuff ourselves into that mold. That's like letting someone talk you into putting on that Speedo you wore on the high school swim team. (Wait, were you really on the swim team? Oh, boy...)
Stevie B.'s first assignment for me was to make a list of my agreements with myself that I need to hold sacred. A. Justin Sterling calls these terms. Every man must sit down and ask himself, "What are the six things I would kill for if someone tried to take them away from me?" And I don't mean the beers in your six-pack. These are your terms. Your terms are the sum total of who you are as a man. They are your defining characteristics. You must defend these terms with your last dying breath, or your life wil come crumbling down around you.
You think I'm being overly dramatic? Hey, I'm an actor. That's what I do. But I could not be more serious about this. Once you figure out what is important to you, you have to stand by it.
Most men have not defined who they are, and have not come up with their terms. This is especially unattractive to women. They don't want a shapeless nothing. That's like that baggy pair of pants they wear the day after they binge on ice cream. They hate those pants because it means they've been weak. They want a man who's like the pair they wear that makes their ass look good. They love those pants because they can go out in the world and people will say "nice pants." If you don't know who you are, how can you make her ass look good?
Here is the list of terms I came up with: Work. Integrity. Respect. Family. Loyalty. Self-honesty.
How did I come up with my terms? I thought about all the things that pissed me off over the years and all the times I allowed myself to be compromised and boiled them down into categories I knew I wanted to change about myself, and categories I saw in other people's lives that I did not want for mine. Most importantly, I though about a movie being made of my life and how I would want the main character to be written. Long story short, I'd rather be Indiana Jones than Woody Allen.
Work. Yes, I consider acting work. Nothing ever takes precedence over my work because it's part of who I am. To entertain is my higher purpose. Nobody gets in the way of my work. Nobody, friends, family, nobody. I've gotten rid of girlfriends and wives over this. Here's a great example: I smoked cigarettes and cigars for twenty-five years. People always told me to quit; I even tried a couple of times, but I always went back. Then a few years ago I realized the smoking was affecting my voice. That's a bad thing for an actor, but a career killer for a singer. So I gave it up. And just to underscore how important this was to me: I had my own line of cigars (by the way, if you need a gross of cigars real cheap, I've still got some inventory left over).
Every man needs a higher purpose. Your higher purpose may not be what you do for a living. But if it's not, you should look for another job.
Integrity. I didn't put this on my list because I want to be the most honest man on the planet. Those of you who know me are aware that I am, by no means, as honest as Abe Lincoln. (Typically, I only try to be as honest as Nixon. I mean, he was honest like 90 percent of the time.)
If I'm going to do something slightly off-center, I'm going to do it for myself. Not for someone else. I used to cover for people all the time and then get caught in their lies, trying to make them look good while making myself look like an ass in the process.
Respect. I will never associate myself with anyone who will make me look like a fool in public. That doesn't mean I won't make myself look like a fool. I mean, half my career is dancing around with my shirt off, for Christ's sake. But there's a difference between someone who is goofing around with you and someone who is making themselves look good at your expense.
Sometimes you have to earn respect the old-fashioned way - with your fist.
Family. Remember how I said I wasn't any good at being the head of the family? Well, once I got my 5hit together, I looked around and realized my family situation couldn't get much worse. Why not be the guy in charge? My family was in chaos and I didn't like it. Someone had to step up.
Let's face it. Family is the one thing that you do not get to choose in life. Bad news for the Menendez brothers, good news for Tito, Jermaine and LaToya. But when it all comes down to it, sometimes your blood is all you have.
The bottom line is that your family is your connection to this Earth. And sometimes you don't realize that until after it has been taken away from you.
Loyalty. There are, however, people whom you do get to choose. Your friends. Your business associates. Your girlfriends / wives.
Now, loyalty can be a tough one between guys when there are chicks around. Be careful, you should never be chasing the same girl as your buddy. If you are competing with a friend over a woman, the stakes in your one-on-one basketball games are not high enough. At the first sign of tension, the girl has to go.
Self-honesty. I know what you're saying. "What in the blue hell does 'self-honesty' mean?" Admitting you have a small Johnson? No. It's much more serious. At least in my life, this is the most important term of them all. Be honest with yourself about who you are. And then never, ever apologize to anyone for being that man.
Real men don't apologize for being who they are.
People say they are sorry far too often for things they are not truly sorry about. "Sorry I'm late. I got caught in traffic." You're not sorry you're late! You're pissed off you're late! It's okay to be pissed off. Don't apologize for that. "I'm sorry I offended you when I said you were being a nag." No, you're not! You're damn glad you finally had the balls to tell someone to get off your damn back!
"Sorry" is a lie. Unless, of course, you did something malicious that you felt badly about later. But otherwise it's such a manipulative word. You are trying to ingratiate yourself to others by saying "sorry," instead of being proud of who you are. But never say you're sorry for being who you are. Be proud of who you are, damn it! And if someone can't deal with the person you are, it's time to find someone else to hang out with. As long as you are honest with yourself and those around you, they have no right to make you apologize for being yourself.
"Never say anything about somebody that you wouldn't say to their face." That's more than just a sentence with a host of grammatical agreement problems. That's the simple rule I follow to make sure I'm maintaining self-honesty, integrity, and loyalty.
After I told Stevie B. my terms, I asked him what was on his list. He said it was similar to mine, but that he had "blondes" and "cable" on there, too.
I'm going to post a snippet of it here, simply because I think it would make a great post all on it's own.
===========================================
When I told my good friend Stevie B. I was getting divorced for the second time, he sat me down. I listened because Stevie B. has been my friend for years, and I have come to know him as "the ultimate man." He owns a chain of rib joints. How cool is that? Rich, and buys meat by the ton.
Stevie B. kept ranting, "When the hell are you going to grow up and become a man?" I wasn't happy, but I couldn't see what Stevie B. could see. And that was that - I was at rock-bottom.
He took me out, got me hammered, and told me he was going to make me a man. To do that, he told me I had to define what kind of man I wanted to be.
We as men need to take back our sense of self, define who we are and stand by it, instead of listening to what other people want us to be and then trying to stuff ourselves into that mold. That's like letting someone talk you into putting on that Speedo you wore on the high school swim team. (Wait, were you really on the swim team? Oh, boy...)
Stevie B.'s first assignment for me was to make a list of my agreements with myself that I need to hold sacred. A. Justin Sterling calls these terms. Every man must sit down and ask himself, "What are the six things I would kill for if someone tried to take them away from me?" And I don't mean the beers in your six-pack. These are your terms. Your terms are the sum total of who you are as a man. They are your defining characteristics. You must defend these terms with your last dying breath, or your life wil come crumbling down around you.
You think I'm being overly dramatic? Hey, I'm an actor. That's what I do. But I could not be more serious about this. Once you figure out what is important to you, you have to stand by it.
Most men have not defined who they are, and have not come up with their terms. This is especially unattractive to women. They don't want a shapeless nothing. That's like that baggy pair of pants they wear the day after they binge on ice cream. They hate those pants because it means they've been weak. They want a man who's like the pair they wear that makes their ass look good. They love those pants because they can go out in the world and people will say "nice pants." If you don't know who you are, how can you make her ass look good?
Here is the list of terms I came up with: Work. Integrity. Respect. Family. Loyalty. Self-honesty.
How did I come up with my terms? I thought about all the things that pissed me off over the years and all the times I allowed myself to be compromised and boiled them down into categories I knew I wanted to change about myself, and categories I saw in other people's lives that I did not want for mine. Most importantly, I though about a movie being made of my life and how I would want the main character to be written. Long story short, I'd rather be Indiana Jones than Woody Allen.
Work. Yes, I consider acting work. Nothing ever takes precedence over my work because it's part of who I am. To entertain is my higher purpose. Nobody gets in the way of my work. Nobody, friends, family, nobody. I've gotten rid of girlfriends and wives over this. Here's a great example: I smoked cigarettes and cigars for twenty-five years. People always told me to quit; I even tried a couple of times, but I always went back. Then a few years ago I realized the smoking was affecting my voice. That's a bad thing for an actor, but a career killer for a singer. So I gave it up. And just to underscore how important this was to me: I had my own line of cigars (by the way, if you need a gross of cigars real cheap, I've still got some inventory left over).
Every man needs a higher purpose. Your higher purpose may not be what you do for a living. But if it's not, you should look for another job.
Integrity. I didn't put this on my list because I want to be the most honest man on the planet. Those of you who know me are aware that I am, by no means, as honest as Abe Lincoln. (Typically, I only try to be as honest as Nixon. I mean, he was honest like 90 percent of the time.)
If I'm going to do something slightly off-center, I'm going to do it for myself. Not for someone else. I used to cover for people all the time and then get caught in their lies, trying to make them look good while making myself look like an ass in the process.
Respect. I will never associate myself with anyone who will make me look like a fool in public. That doesn't mean I won't make myself look like a fool. I mean, half my career is dancing around with my shirt off, for Christ's sake. But there's a difference between someone who is goofing around with you and someone who is making themselves look good at your expense.
Sometimes you have to earn respect the old-fashioned way - with your fist.
Family. Remember how I said I wasn't any good at being the head of the family? Well, once I got my 5hit together, I looked around and realized my family situation couldn't get much worse. Why not be the guy in charge? My family was in chaos and I didn't like it. Someone had to step up.
Let's face it. Family is the one thing that you do not get to choose in life. Bad news for the Menendez brothers, good news for Tito, Jermaine and LaToya. But when it all comes down to it, sometimes your blood is all you have.
The bottom line is that your family is your connection to this Earth. And sometimes you don't realize that until after it has been taken away from you.
Loyalty. There are, however, people whom you do get to choose. Your friends. Your business associates. Your girlfriends / wives.
Now, loyalty can be a tough one between guys when there are chicks around. Be careful, you should never be chasing the same girl as your buddy. If you are competing with a friend over a woman, the stakes in your one-on-one basketball games are not high enough. At the first sign of tension, the girl has to go.
Self-honesty. I know what you're saying. "What in the blue hell does 'self-honesty' mean?" Admitting you have a small Johnson? No. It's much more serious. At least in my life, this is the most important term of them all. Be honest with yourself about who you are. And then never, ever apologize to anyone for being that man.
Real men don't apologize for being who they are.
People say they are sorry far too often for things they are not truly sorry about. "Sorry I'm late. I got caught in traffic." You're not sorry you're late! You're pissed off you're late! It's okay to be pissed off. Don't apologize for that. "I'm sorry I offended you when I said you were being a nag." No, you're not! You're damn glad you finally had the balls to tell someone to get off your damn back!
"Sorry" is a lie. Unless, of course, you did something malicious that you felt badly about later. But otherwise it's such a manipulative word. You are trying to ingratiate yourself to others by saying "sorry," instead of being proud of who you are. But never say you're sorry for being who you are. Be proud of who you are, damn it! And if someone can't deal with the person you are, it's time to find someone else to hang out with. As long as you are honest with yourself and those around you, they have no right to make you apologize for being yourself.
"Never say anything about somebody that you wouldn't say to their face." That's more than just a sentence with a host of grammatical agreement problems. That's the simple rule I follow to make sure I'm maintaining self-honesty, integrity, and loyalty.
After I told Stevie B. my terms, I asked him what was on his list. He said it was similar to mine, but that he had "blondes" and "cable" on there, too.