Is there any way to make an LTR less serious?

[Cesare Cardinali]

This is my first post in this forum and it's actually a situation that I'm experiencing right now with my current LTR chick and one that I have experienced since I've been about 23; so for the past three years.

I'll date a chick and we'll get into an LTR and then a few weeks later she'll start getting "too serious". There'll be too many "I love you's" too much "talk about our future" and this causes me to withdraw and be more of a mysterious challenge and of course causes the chicks to swoon even more!

I'm not ready for marriage and serious stuff. I'm ok with exclusivity and spending weekends together and being romantic, but the idea of settling down, living together, getting married, and having kids just totally fills me with axiety. While my LTR girl's main goal in life is to be a mother...

The problem:

We've been together for 9 months or so and started experiencing problems. I'm convinced that we're picking at each other and fighting because our agendas are different. She sees that I'm not as serious about her as she is (or was) about me, and I'm seeing that she's getting too serious and sucking all the fun from the relationship.

Without boring you guys with the details, we end up fighting and bickering over nonsense. And then from there, we make up, fight some more, make up, fight some more, etc.

My friend prosemont tells me that after about 9 months, unless a relationship is going forward, it'll start going backwards. And the only way to stop this (while not going forward and getting more serious) would be to get a mutual hobby or project to distract yourselves and get attention away from fighting about "us" onto something more constructive.

My view is that once we're at the stage it's the beginning of the end. I'm not depressed or worried etc, it is what it is....

However, what I'd like to know is whether you guys have experience in this type of thing and if you were able to turn it around while still MAINTAINING your own agenda (i.e. you didn't cave and live with the chick when you didn't want to, in order not to lose her).

Essentially, is it possible to go back to that fresh new stage with a chick, where everything is just great, after you've descended into the "beginning of the end" stage.

Thoughts?

Cesare Cardinali

 

[TooColdUlrick]

Originally posted by Cesare Cardinali

Without boring you guys with the details, we end up fighting and bickering over nonsense. And then from there, we make up, fight some more, make up, fight some more, etc.

yep, this is a sign of other problems that are more serious. sounds like the relationship has hit a rut and you are both frustrated. hence, the "you left the cap off the toothpaste". "well FVCK YOU"... ensues.

problem: sounds like you stopped having "fun" and now the relationship is a chore. it will degenerate unless you do something about it (assuming you wish to).

solution: have some good fun together. i'd even consider pulling back on the sex with her, perhaps even stop it altogether for a month or so. be up front about this with her.

you two seem to be at a critical point where it will advance or it will degenerate. at this point, and with an LTR, it's not as much about sex as it is about compatability, long term. if you can't have fun together, it will never work. if you can't get out of this rut positively with her, it will never work longer term.

again, all of this is assuming you wish to move forward. besides, this is what you wish (need) to know for yourself.

bottom line is that you both have to do something about it pretty quick.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Re: Re: Is there any way to make an LTR less serious?

Originally posted by TooColdUlrick
sounds like the relationship has hit a rut and you are both frustrated. hence, the "you left the cap off the toothpaste". "well FVCK YOU"... ensues.

Hahahahaha, yes toocold - this exact scenario and words were used with my girl when I was 21 years old...good observation! She also got mad because I didn't push the toothpaste out from the 'bottom' of the tube!! So I threw it on the floor and jumped in the air (about 3 feet) with both of my feet fixated and geared towards the bottom of the toothpaste tube and landed squarely on the bottom of it so that all the toothpaste was squeezed out in an instant!!! Then I showed her the tube and said, "There, is that bottom enough for you?"

She wasn't pleased to say the least! When women gripe over trivial things, create a bigger problem!

Sorry Cesare, I went off on a tangent (memories). I'll give you a proper reply later.

 

[JustDoItAlways]

"It is the way it is", exactly. I don't think there is any magic solution to the situation. You can't take a 9-month relationship and suddenly turn it back into a 3-month relationship.

That being said, I don't think you need to do anything much different. Hey, what you have been doing has worked really well hasn't it. Nine months into it and she's all over you.

If anything, maybe cut down a little on the fighting, add a bit more fun back into it, and straighten her out if she takes her protests too far.

I don't know if there is a need to actively "withdraw", as you put it, too much. Challenge should be a natural attitude, not something where you actively change what you do. It is also possible that she sees through your active withdrawl and trusts you less as a result. If it seems like your natural feelings to a chick, it has a much more positive impact.

What you DO NOT DO, is take her comments literally and turn this into some kind of serious, committed relationship. Despite what we guys think, telling a girl "I love you, I am fully committed to you" does not actually make her happier. It makes her "feel" less about the relationship.

Chicks eventually get used to a situation like this and settle down. She's mid-20s I gather. "Let's get serious" demands and "Marry me tomorrow or I'm leaving" threats rarely amount to much with chicks at this age and this time of the relationship.

If she was early 30s or if the relationship had lasted 3 or 4 years, it would be a different story. She might just give up and leave.

Keep doing what you're doing. Its been working. The fun will return. Maybe check to see if something else is really bothering her. Listen to her emotions not what she says literally.

 

[NewMan]

It is the end of the realtionship unless you want to move on further with it - live together, marrage etc.

So my advice is, if you don't want any of these things break it off now.

At some point in the relationship, women will question where it is going - to what end is she still with you. Thats when the problems start - because up until then, she was fine with hanging with you and having fun. Now, she's wondering if you will fullfill her dreams - be the father of her children etc.

This phase can go on for some time - years in fact - depending on the woman. But unless you end it now, she will eventually end it somewhere down the line.

Face it - you don't want to be tied down.

You know deep down what you want - so go and do it.