I’ve been lurking for a while, and wound up here in the same way it seems like many of you have. And, RP theory- I came nearly several nearly identical conclusions on my own in isolation, before I knew it was a “thing”. Truthfully, I see an RP continuum, and am somewhere in the middle.
An introduction: I married a European woman, and have lived with her for 12 years. The marriage- I’ve always recognized that it’s a civil contract with really bad exit terms, but, it was a way for her to stay in the U.S. which I wanted at the time. I did some things right- kept the house/mortgage in my name, which I owned prior to the marriage, kept track of our financial inputs in a spreadsheet- had her sign things. Likely not all binding or enforceable, but, we’re getting divorced, worked out the terms on our own, and, I’m not completely losing my ass. Other than the voracious consumption of everything I offered, with very little reciprocity except rhetoric during the whole deal, which…is my fault for letting it happen. My AFC/Beta core error was thinking “It’s hard to move to another country, leave your family, she’s making a big sacrifice to be with me. I’ll put my head down, suck it up, and help however I can.” And, I did, unfailingly, in every way, for years. Ooops. So, I enabled and created a succubus, ‘cause I was doing the “right thing”. She was mecurial, daddy issues, not such a great time for me, and I ended up starved. I got some travel, picked up another language- there were some good things.
So, about three years ago, I said that I was gonna meet my needs by whatever means necessary, and would not be disclosing any specifics, and that she could do whatever she wanted with that. I was trying to proceed ethically- like I had a rational, reasoning counterparty or something. Her response was non-stop cycling between charm offensives, rage, denial, etc. Business as usual, actually, it didn’t move the needle in terms of what I got- which was a revelation. “Oh, I see.”
Enter the other woman. A “friend” of mine for a long time. More like a guy in many ways- except the ones that count. Really smart, hilarious, super hot, we like the same ****, and know each other very well, and always had a good time. I was emaciated and worn down from all the bull**** with my wife, and this other woman unleashed a shock-and-awe Marshall Plan of every single thing I wanted. Ahhhhhhh. I could see in color again. Then, WHAMMO- she withdraws. That was devastating. Then, back- then- WHAMMO. A few of those cycles, and I learned all about BPD, and cluster b women. The hard way. I had noooooo idea. We’re straight with each other, she’s in therapy and all that, and, once I figured out what was going on and we discussed it, she told me “run- I’m gonna **** you over.”
Of course, like a fool, I figured that “now that I know what’s going on, maybe it can work.” When she’d dysregulate emotionally, she’d withdraw. And, she wasn’t in-my-face, super needy, ****ing everybody in town- or most of the cluster b AW stuff. On pencil and paper, it looked good- a hybrid situation- I could have my own life, lotsa space (she’s in a dead marriage, too), and when she got weird, I could just do my thing. And she always comes back, she’s obsessed with me, has been for 15 years and we always have a good time when we hang. I know the BPD thing has been covered, and she’s not flaming- prolly 25% of as bad as they can be. But, the idealize, devalue, discard cycle, emotional amnesia, and all the other things- it is a brutal emotional hellpit, and, if you tangle with one of these women, there cannot be a positive result, no matter how badass you are. The robot wins in the end. And you will bleed.
The last year, with both of these situations raging, pretty much sucked indescribably. It took some time, but I now see that I did every. single. thing. wrong. My idea of being the same person no matter what, keeping my ethics intact so I’d keep my self-respect- that’s a good idea. But it doesn’t work with an emotionally-reasoning-I-feel-therefore-I-am counterparty, that is, a woman. And in fairness- some are better than others. But, all I know is that I did not get what I wanted, and that right now, as I look back, every single relationship I’ve ever had with a woman is toast. Wins- 0. Losses- 100. What I was doing never worked once. And the expectation that anything could have is wrong- women are a process, not an event, with an outcome, all my Oneitis, LTR, exclusivity, cohabitation, white knight, I’ll-save-you-little-missy-hero-complex-bull**** notwithstanding.
What’s the Freud thing- “From vulnerability comes strength”? Okay. But it’s time to be Spartacus instead of honing and cultivating my ability to tolerate pain and bull****. So, shift focus. To that end, my divorce will be final in a couple weeks. The other one- NC is the typical route; “run”. I didn’t do that, I just detached, (not an easy thing at all, but drinking salt water when you're thirsty does bring certain lessons) and asserted control over myself and my space. She can hoover, run her game- whatever. What she does doesn’t matter. And, of course, this change of attitude towards both of them…as you might imagine, the soon-to-be-ex is digging in for a long-game campaign to get me back, and putting her assets in place, the same is starting with the other one, and, they can both suck it.
As chicks go, neither are the diabolical planning type, both are relatively self-aware, and to some degree understand what they’ve done and how they’ve behaved. But, so what? They are what they are, and wolves need to eat, and that won’t change. I’m being ethical and reasonable to both- I don’t “hate” anybody, and accept the nature of male/female relations. I blame me for not doing what *I* was supposed to do, for myself.
Most of my friends were amazed- I was always direct with my wife- and all women; “no, I’d rather you didn’t come with”, “no, I won’t do that”, and it was fine, and I got to do what I wanted, but in the *big* ways, I capitulated 100%. I’m in good shape, active, look decent, and am social and have nooo problem meeting people or women or getting what I want. And the energy I was putting into those situations instead of myself, what the hell was I thinking? Now I know exactly what I was thinking. So, beachhead, perimeter, check. I’m 45, but not crapping in a bag yet. So, off to the races.
Anyway- wall of words reduced to an executive summary: When I found this site, and similar, I couldn’t stop laughing. “Yeah- THAT”. Jesus.
An introduction: I married a European woman, and have lived with her for 12 years. The marriage- I’ve always recognized that it’s a civil contract with really bad exit terms, but, it was a way for her to stay in the U.S. which I wanted at the time. I did some things right- kept the house/mortgage in my name, which I owned prior to the marriage, kept track of our financial inputs in a spreadsheet- had her sign things. Likely not all binding or enforceable, but, we’re getting divorced, worked out the terms on our own, and, I’m not completely losing my ass. Other than the voracious consumption of everything I offered, with very little reciprocity except rhetoric during the whole deal, which…is my fault for letting it happen. My AFC/Beta core error was thinking “It’s hard to move to another country, leave your family, she’s making a big sacrifice to be with me. I’ll put my head down, suck it up, and help however I can.” And, I did, unfailingly, in every way, for years. Ooops. So, I enabled and created a succubus, ‘cause I was doing the “right thing”. She was mecurial, daddy issues, not such a great time for me, and I ended up starved. I got some travel, picked up another language- there were some good things.
So, about three years ago, I said that I was gonna meet my needs by whatever means necessary, and would not be disclosing any specifics, and that she could do whatever she wanted with that. I was trying to proceed ethically- like I had a rational, reasoning counterparty or something. Her response was non-stop cycling between charm offensives, rage, denial, etc. Business as usual, actually, it didn’t move the needle in terms of what I got- which was a revelation. “Oh, I see.”
Enter the other woman. A “friend” of mine for a long time. More like a guy in many ways- except the ones that count. Really smart, hilarious, super hot, we like the same ****, and know each other very well, and always had a good time. I was emaciated and worn down from all the bull**** with my wife, and this other woman unleashed a shock-and-awe Marshall Plan of every single thing I wanted. Ahhhhhhh. I could see in color again. Then, WHAMMO- she withdraws. That was devastating. Then, back- then- WHAMMO. A few of those cycles, and I learned all about BPD, and cluster b women. The hard way. I had noooooo idea. We’re straight with each other, she’s in therapy and all that, and, once I figured out what was going on and we discussed it, she told me “run- I’m gonna **** you over.”
Of course, like a fool, I figured that “now that I know what’s going on, maybe it can work.” When she’d dysregulate emotionally, she’d withdraw. And, she wasn’t in-my-face, super needy, ****ing everybody in town- or most of the cluster b AW stuff. On pencil and paper, it looked good- a hybrid situation- I could have my own life, lotsa space (she’s in a dead marriage, too), and when she got weird, I could just do my thing. And she always comes back, she’s obsessed with me, has been for 15 years and we always have a good time when we hang. I know the BPD thing has been covered, and she’s not flaming- prolly 25% of as bad as they can be. But, the idealize, devalue, discard cycle, emotional amnesia, and all the other things- it is a brutal emotional hellpit, and, if you tangle with one of these women, there cannot be a positive result, no matter how badass you are. The robot wins in the end. And you will bleed.
The last year, with both of these situations raging, pretty much sucked indescribably. It took some time, but I now see that I did every. single. thing. wrong. My idea of being the same person no matter what, keeping my ethics intact so I’d keep my self-respect- that’s a good idea. But it doesn’t work with an emotionally-reasoning-I-feel-therefore-I-am counterparty, that is, a woman. And in fairness- some are better than others. But, all I know is that I did not get what I wanted, and that right now, as I look back, every single relationship I’ve ever had with a woman is toast. Wins- 0. Losses- 100. What I was doing never worked once. And the expectation that anything could have is wrong- women are a process, not an event, with an outcome, all my Oneitis, LTR, exclusivity, cohabitation, white knight, I’ll-save-you-little-missy-hero-complex-bull**** notwithstanding.
What’s the Freud thing- “From vulnerability comes strength”? Okay. But it’s time to be Spartacus instead of honing and cultivating my ability to tolerate pain and bull****. So, shift focus. To that end, my divorce will be final in a couple weeks. The other one- NC is the typical route; “run”. I didn’t do that, I just detached, (not an easy thing at all, but drinking salt water when you're thirsty does bring certain lessons) and asserted control over myself and my space. She can hoover, run her game- whatever. What she does doesn’t matter. And, of course, this change of attitude towards both of them…as you might imagine, the soon-to-be-ex is digging in for a long-game campaign to get me back, and putting her assets in place, the same is starting with the other one, and, they can both suck it.
As chicks go, neither are the diabolical planning type, both are relatively self-aware, and to some degree understand what they’ve done and how they’ve behaved. But, so what? They are what they are, and wolves need to eat, and that won’t change. I’m being ethical and reasonable to both- I don’t “hate” anybody, and accept the nature of male/female relations. I blame me for not doing what *I* was supposed to do, for myself.
Most of my friends were amazed- I was always direct with my wife- and all women; “no, I’d rather you didn’t come with”, “no, I won’t do that”, and it was fine, and I got to do what I wanted, but in the *big* ways, I capitulated 100%. I’m in good shape, active, look decent, and am social and have nooo problem meeting people or women or getting what I want. And the energy I was putting into those situations instead of myself, what the hell was I thinking? Now I know exactly what I was thinking. So, beachhead, perimeter, check. I’m 45, but not crapping in a bag yet. So, off to the races.
Anyway- wall of words reduced to an executive summary: When I found this site, and similar, I couldn’t stop laughing. “Yeah- THAT”. Jesus.
