I think I know the answer, I just don't like it.

[GlennTheFitz]

Hi all,

first time poster so be nice

I've been seeing someone for about 6 weeks now. It started off brilliantly. The first three dates went amazingly, there was no awkwardness whatsoever and I was feeling really good about the whole thing, I thought she was too. The next time we met up though, she was quick to stress that she wasn't looking to commit any time soon, that she enjoyed going out and meeting other lads at clubs and loved being single. She also alluded to a previous relationship that had left her not wanting that kind of vibe again for a while. I tried not to make too much of it, after all, it had only been a couple of weeks anyway. The 4th date was great and the 5th one was alright but last week we met for lunch and it felt like the whole dynamic had shifted. It felt like we were just hanging out as friends and not on a date at all.

There was a half awkward goodbye kiss but she agreed to meet up again next week. I had hoped she would come to a party that I was hosting on New Years Eve but she had promised her friend that they would go out clubbing. I texted her the next evening to see if she was free for a while but she wasn't. Not a problem, or so I thought. I haven't heard from her since. It's been 5 days, there wasn't even any contact to wish me a happy new year. I didn't text or call her either but that's because I've always been the one to initiate the communication and I don't want that to be a constant.

It's seldom that I meet a girl who I'm really into and to who I'd consider committing to and I felt from the first time I saw her that she would be of this calibre. Even after she said to me that she wasn't looking to commit, I felt that maybe I could change that. I know I should probably call it a day but I can't bring myself to, as I said, it's rare that I feel this way about someone I'm seeing.

I would appreciate any advice or experiences that people could share!

 

[Websterdic]

First, Why do you want to commit to a person you've gone on four five dates with?

Second, you said that it now felt like you guys were just pals hanging. Have you kissed her? tried to make a move?

I feel like she told you she's not interested and wants to see more people. I would take that as a no go my friend. You might as well be in the friend-zone.

I would just let it go and go NC. If she calls you fine if not then so be it.

 

[GlennTheFitz]

First, Why do you want to commit to a person you've gone on four five dates with?

Second, you said that it now felt like you guys were just pals hanging. Have you kissed her? tried to make a move?

I feel like she told you she's not interested and wants to see more people. I would take that as a no go my friend. You might as well be in the friend-zone.

I would just let it go and go NC. If she calls you fine if not then so be it.

I don't want to commit just yet, I'd just like to think it might go somewhere eventually. We've already slept together, I think it's safe to say there's been some attraction on her part.

 

[st_99]

she was quick to stress that she wasn't looking to commit any time soon, that she enjoyed going out and meeting other lads at clubs and loved being single.

This is only true until she meets that guy that for some magical reason, she can't get out of her head, that frustrates her, that she craves and feels the need to chase.

You are not that guy. Just get your game up and try to become that guy.

 

[GlennTheFitz]

This is only true until she meets that guy that for some magical reason, she can't get out of her head, that frustrates her, that she craves and feels the need to chase.

You are not that guy. Just get your game up and try to become that guy.

Have I done wrong by not contacting her over the last few days then? I feel it's childish but as I said, I always make contact first, I always make the plans for us to hang out.

How should I up my game?

 

[Mike32ct]

Welcome to SS. There is some great advice here, but some of it is "Tough Love" so don't take it personally if any replies SEEM a bit harsh. They're not .

If she told you she isn't looking for a relationship and you two didn't do anything physical, I would just say that is low interest.

But the fact that you slept with her and then she became distant tells me what she is saying to you is true.

Basically, she is into one night stands or at most, short term flings. That's why she likes to go clubbing. That's why she insisted on going out with her girlfriends on New Years Eve.

She is NOT girlfriend material. She's a party girl in her hor-ing phase.

There is this myth called, "She is PERFECT for me, but not available or interested in a relationship with me." It is an illusion. It might FEEL that she is perfect for you, but if you are looking for a relationship and she isn't, then she is NOT perfect for you. I'm sorry man but it's a fantasy in your head.

The most you could have done was b*nged her hard eight ways to Tuesday in multiple positions. Then maybe she would come back for round 2 or possibly become a short term friend with benefits.

But you were failling in love with her, so my guess is you made gentle love to her on rose petals like a good boyfriend. That's not what she wants at this stage of her life. She wants to go clubbing, meet some tall stocky muscular guy, leave with him, and be sore and walking funny the next morning. Then repeat the process until she gets this out of her system.

Even if you were decent in the sack, odds are a quick fling was all she was really after.

Don't take it personally. As we say, "Charge it to the game."

While I'm all for improving one's game, the best thing you can do is find other girls to work on. The most powerful tool in this game is a clean slate.

 

[Alex DeLarge]

If a girl told me "I'm not looking to commit" I would just stop talking to her. Even if I wasn't looking to commit either. Unless it's a FWB situation (just looking for sex, that's it) what's the point in investing more of your time and spending money on dates? She may be a great girl, but fvck it. She's clearly not on the same level with you.

Next this girl and go back on the prowl my friend!
If she actually was interested, I'm sure there would be some contact from her within those 5 days.

 

[floydb25]

Agree with Mike... Also, the part about thinking you can change her... That's just asking for trouble. You aren't going to get this girl to commit. You can't change or pursuade her into wanting a relationship. Being the perfect SO won't get you anywhere. No matter what you do - her position won't change. It doesn't matter why she doesn't want a relationship - only that she doesn't. Find someone on the same wave-length as you.

Never focus on the potential, the future, the could be's, how she used to be, how you want her to be... Accept the here and now.

 

[Bob-Newbie]

Sorry to go off topic here, but I've tried to make a thread on this forum twice and it's not appearing? Woops "posts: 2" perhaps it did appear after all.

Anyway I'm not great at this stuff so I don't think I'm the best guy to take advice from, but to me it sounds like she just wants you as a ****buddy or something. That's if you're having sex with her.

 

[Improving]

Agree with all the above.

Don't invest more emotions if you already got the "back off" sign. Perhaps you came on too strong ("sweet"?) earlier on and she started to freak out. Better go NC rather than keep texting her.

My 2c.

 

[TopGun2000]

it's not a test. she clearly told you what she wants now. don't waste your time on her if you are looking for LTR

 

[window]

the problem here is the girl was put in a position to actually have to say overtly look I'm not looking for a relationship right now...

 

[5string]

Never say never.

When I was dating my wife, she made it known she wasnt looking to commit to anyone, let alone me. Well guess what? We got married.

So much for that.

If a woman decides she really wants you, her hamster will start spinning and she'll do anything to be your woman.