I dont want to look, i want to play

[jlujan]

Well,

I am 20 something guy, smart, educated, and not bad looking, i would consider myself an 8.2 to 8.9 on a scale of 1 to 10, but heres my problem, i simply can't seem to be able to pick women up.

In my 20 something years in this earth, i have only had less than 15 women and considering i am not an ugly dork, i have to admit that theres something wrong, another thing that drives me nuts is that my women have been anywhere from average looking to gorgeous, and one thing that all of them have in common is that THEY ALL APROACHED ME. Now this is that main problem i am facing, my female friends are always telling me i am a great guy and a great catch, many of them would love to be with me but i am not attracted to them, but i simply can't seem to aproach the kind of women I LIKE.

I want to make it clear, that i am not after amazingly beautiful women, i just want someone good looking with a good personality, i am not too picky and i consider myself very flexible in most things, so WHATS MY PROBLEM?

Many times during weekends with friends or out on clubs i see a girl that catches my eye, but if i don't see a clear sign from her that shes attracted to me, i simply won't go for it. I am a Chef and because of that i get invited a lot to dinners with friends, during these dinners i get to meet a lot of women, some i like but i simply don't know how to aproach and i end up waiting for her to show me a sign until i see another guy come in and aproach her, night is over.



I am not the best looking guy in the world, but i am no troll either, what am i doing wrong? how can i stop being an spectator and become a player??

 

[icepick]

Hi jlujan!

You remind me of how I used to be. I used to sit around and wonder if I should approach a girl, "does she like me?", "would she get offended if I ask her out?", "would she laugh?" I would talk to her pleasantly (if I had to) worrying only about NOT offending her, and above all, MASKING my desire, and completely stifling my sexuality. Sure, there were times when women approached me. There were also times when they did all the work. (I hung with some 'seedy' types...) However, I never 'approached' a female that I found to be appealing.

Why?

Because I was WAITING for signs of interest. I somehow thought that women would just find me 'hot' for some reason and give me foolproof signs that I was 'in'. (Everybody is 'hot' to SOMEBODY remember!)

What I did not realize was that I am in no way differentiated--in the girl's mind--from the other six billion people on this planet. Why would she choose to give ME interest signs when she does not know me? If she is interested enough, she will approach you. (As you pointed out in your post...)

Most of the time, however, you will not strike any 'nerves' within the woman. (You know how some girls think you are the hottest thing on earth for one reason or another. Ideal mates or something like that. For example, if a girl is thin, short, with black eyes and black hair, to me she becomes the hottest thing besides the sun! Everyone has different tastes...) Anyway, most of the time there will be none of that INITIAL spark. That must be 'created'. You have to get the ball rolling for anything to happen. This does not mean that you have to "fight the fear", "bite the bullet", "grab your balls", etc., etc., blah, blah, blah and "ask her out" right THERE.

No. A conversation is not a "prerequisite to life together everlasting", it is just that...a conversation. What a conversation can be is a forum in which to spark the sexuality.

Don't try to deny your attraction to the woman. Do say what is on YOUR mind and what YOU think about whatever you two are talking about. Try to have a good time. (No, this does not mean the cliche asking her "uh...are ya havin' a good time?" This DOES mean that you must PAY ATTENTION to her. How do you do this? Stop neurotically analyzing your own actions and just...flow. You be be surprised at your newfound insight, you may discover an ability to almost 'read minds'!)

After you interact with the girl, NOT hiding your desires, NOT being too 'serious', etc. You WILL get interest signs, she WILL up the 'sexuality'. THEN is your chance to make your move. It is like a game, you volley back and forth. You do not do all the work, you do not make HER do all the work; it is a synchronicity of mutual desire and attraction. Above all...don't be afraid, it is the stuff of which life is made.

Only a few women will approach you out of the fraction that finds you "doable". Do you want these women? Here is a story: One chick was going on and on about how she wanted to fuck me, I thought: "wow, I must be pretty hot!" since this girl is fine, but I ignored her, making her 'up the ante'. Today, I see her saying to some other dude just about the same shit, and this guy is just your run of the mill average dude. Come to find out this chick has done tons of guys, ugly to hot, dorky to cool, AFC to DJ!

To paraphrase a prodigious poster here,

The only fish that you will catch with a stagnant net are the ones that are not worth eating.

Swing that net around!

 

[jbbrain]

ice pick,

I like you stizzyle. You write well for a wee little laddy.

 

[jlujan]

Thanks icepick, that was a cool response, i completely understand what you are saying, i used to be in sales and i know that you have to play the numbers game, if you don't talk to people, you wont make any sales, if you pitch to a hundred people, you will get 5 or more sales, its only natural.

The problem is that I DON'T really know HOW to aproach someone, i know many people here say its simple, and that a simple "hi" will work, but i honestly feel that is not me, and it simply feels fake to me.

This is my typical behavior when i am out in a party or a club.

1.-I arrive and check things out.
2.-I get a drink (something to do).
3.-I walk around checking women out (hoping i see one i like and that clearly likes me back).
4.-After a while, i start feeling like a fool and i eventually go and sit down with my friends.
5.-Night is over.


Pretty pathetic huh??

What am i NOT DOING that i should??

 

[bp1974]

It sounds like your sticking point is conversation. So you get to that point where you want to approach, but you have no idea how to start a conversation.

This is a problem for me too, but I have a friend who has little trouble talking to just about anyone. What I've learned from him is that it's all about observation. He and I can be sitting in a pub, talking and drinking, and he'll be noticing things about the people around us and the environment. eg That girl came in with three friends but they seem to have wandered off, or 'She was wearing a fleece jacket when she came in, maybe she's the outdoor type..'.

Become a people watcher, not just because you want an 'in', but after a while it's actually fun to try and figure out what's going on with the people around you. You can argue about it with your friends (eg "They're definitely lesbians, why else would they be here together?!"). And from there it's a pretty short step to "Well, I'm gonna go ask them!". This is a real life example, and it worked.

It's these little things that can be used to start a conversation if you don't feel like saying Hi. He doesn't close much, but he makes a lot of friends. I'm teaching him how to close, he's teaching me how to talk to observer people and talk to them..

bp1974

 

[HuuBinh]

jlujan,
I think your biggest obstacle to success with women is that you care too much about their initial interest in you. A couple years back, before i approach a girl, I have to see if she's interested or not. You want to assume that she is attracted to you before you approach her, that way it'll be much easier. OR: you have to establish a mindset that it doesn't matter if she's attracted to you or not, your going to do your approach b/c your interested in her. All you care about is yourself and your attraction for her, do not put emphasis on her interest b/c that will only hinder you. Who cares you get rejected b/c shes not interested, at least you were being a man and approached instead of regreting later. So, approach any girl that you like and don't care about if she likes you back or not.

--------
"Love is only an illusion created by sex."

 

[Charm]

Read the DJ Bible.

 

[Grey Fox]

How to play

Here are somethings that might help Jlujan.

1. Even if you don't smoke, carry a lighter never know when it'll come in handy to light some woman's cigarette.

2. Get a wingman, a buddy who can help stoke your confidence and walk you through a couple of times. Till you get the feel for the proper approach.

3. Confidence dude, if you ain't a troll and your a quality person your already ahead of the rest of the pack, keep that in mind.

4. Here's an easy opener "Hi my name is......., I noticed you from across the room, I was wondering if you'd like (dance/have a drink) with me.

5. Smile, if she smiles back wave, if she waves walk on over.

6. There's to many women out there to be worried about just pleasing one.