I don't know what *I* want to do about this

[Rubato]

Today was date # 6 with Amanda.

I just don't know what to think about this. Actually I think I do.

She's very pretty. She's very pretty.

But she's a sexual prude. At least with me. I don't know her, so I can't say whether or not she's just prudish because I'm doing something wrong or because she's just a prude. All I can get out of her is a kiss at the end of our dates. I gave it a good college try today to start making out with her tonight. I made sure no one was home, we had a movie playing, the room was dark, the fireplace was going, and I could not make it happen.

Now, she says all the right things.

But I don't care about what a girl says. I only consider what she does.

And she does many of the right things. She kino's me. She requests dates. And I don't do anything for her. I don't buy her things. The only tangible things she has received from me have been a glass of hot chocolate I brought sled riding and $1.23 or something like that for the red box movie rental tonight. So she's not sticking around because she's gaining in some way from spending time with me.

In fact, she doesn't seem to have much to say. It was almost hard to talk with her tonight, and that might just be a reflection of how freakishly tired I am. But I just didn't feel any sort of connection, and I wanted to. Badly.

But she laughs at just about everything I say. She gets close to me. When we sit together, she'll take my hand and hold on to it with both hands almost like she's afraid to let it go. When we cuddle, she just keeps getting closer and closer and closer. I mean, I thought for sure she would be EASY to make out with tonight.

But she wouldn't.

She's a Christian, and I met her through a Christian function. But I mean, if she is really *so* Christian that she won't even let me minimally sexually escalate with her, I've not met this sort of girl before.

I feel like I'm doing something wrong here, but I don't know what it would be. I don't really text her at all. I don't call her unless it's to set up a date. I don't buy her things. I'm very direct with her, I'm not doing any of this AFC crap that people on the boards write about doing.

So I don't know what I want to do. I don't feel like she really likes me if I can't even get her to make out. I went over to Krystal's house last night and banged the h*ll out of her for hours, and that's why I'm so tired today. And I can't even get this girl to make out. But I also can't figure out a motivation for her to want to spend time with me and act the way she does around me if she doesn't like me. My dad even told me tonight (he came home towards the end of the date) that the way she looked at me and held her posture around me is the way a woman acts towards a man she cares for deeply. He said it's obvious she really likes me.

Maybe it's just because she knows I'm gonna be a heart surgeon. and happens to be getting a degree in physician's office management.
So. Again, I don't know what I want to do.

 

[wait_out]

She's probably thinks you're a solid provider for a traditional monogamous relationship, and the harder you work for it and the more she emphasizes the values of her sexuality, the more likely she thinks you'll be to stick around over the long-haul. If she really likes you, she'll want to prove she's a quality woman.

That describes her functional behavior but not her motivations, which could range from anything from inexperience to trauma. You will have to judge that on your own. Just don't get sucked into a situation you regret, such as where you're tiptoeing around your own sexuality. If you're not happy, reduce contact. I'm sure she'll understand why.

 

[Aaron B]

does she know you see other girls?

it just isn't that serious bro. maybe it will get serious on the future, who knows? but for now, keep it casual. chill out.

to say she doesn't get anything from you because you don't buy her things is short-sighted. if she wasn't getting something, she wouldn't be spending time with you

you don't need this particular girl for sex as you said you get that elsewhere. if she's still around later in the game maybe ya'll can hook up again

also do you share her religious beliefs?

 

[floydb25]

Sounds like she's a Christian who actually follows through on the practices - instead of just going to Church to seem like a good person. Christians aren't supposed to have sex before marriage, and are taught to be relationship-minded with family values.

She sounds like a nice girl more than anything. Which would explain why she's so prudish and reserved. She's also heavy into affection, but not so much into getting physical. She enjoys just being around you.

What you have is LTR material... A girl looking for love and companionship. The only question is if you want that.

 

[window]

I'd be passing on this girl...your actions are been blinded by how pretty she is. If she was a HB5 and cutting back on the physical side of things what would you do ? invest more time ?

 

[runner83]

Simply put, like RT said "every guy wants a girl to be a slut....he just wants her to be his slut".

If she isn't being your slut and giving you what you want, then don't be blinded by her beauty.

Play hard to get and see how she responds

 

[Rubato]

She's probably thinks you're a solid provider for a traditional monogamous relationship

That describes her functional behavior but not her motivations, which could range from anything from inexperience to trauma. If you're not happy, reduce contact. I'm sure she'll understand why.

Of course she thinks I'll be a solid provider. I am going to be a heart surgeon, and not going to be like all of the 18 year old pre-meds who start off with huge ambitions and never get in to med school. I am almost done with my program, have excellent grades, references, research, and a guaranteed in at the school where my dad knows the dean of admissions. And she's getting a degree basically in how to be a secretary for a doctor. This is why I don't like telling girls that I'm not explicitly trying to get a ONS with that I'm going to be a doctor. It has a tendency to immediately throw me in to provider mode.

But as to the statement I bolded. I am suspicious there might be some past trauma in her life. I know both of her parents are divorced and that her biological father died when she was 20. She was home schooled. And she spent about 3 years in WI, and wasn't extremely clear with me about why she did that. This probably reveals some of my extreme skepticism about women anymore, but anymore I just immediately assume all girls are sluts, especially if they're pretty, but I'm not sure that's the case here. I just get a feeling based on how sketchy she's been about talking about some of her past that she has some sizable emotional baggage and may also be fairly relationally naive. She reminds me of my fist GF, who was also very religious and home schooled. I think she legitimately cared for me, much as I suspect this one does... but it was like she didn't know how to act around a guy because she'd missed out on the social experience from being in school. I can tell she's sincerely happy to be with me, but she isn't the easiest person to talk to in the world. At least for me.

And if I reduced contact with her anymore than I already have, I wouldn't talk to her at all. Seriously, the *only* time I contact her is to set up another date, usually just once a week.

After considering what Floyd said, I think he's right about her religious convictions and you are right about the emotional liabilities she may have. So I decided to send me a message this morning letting her know I enjoyed my time with her last night. I feel like I need to start moving forward in some direction, and I just don't think she's gonna give up sex without a more serious level relationship due to her values. More about that down the page...

She's probably thinks you're a solid provider for a traditional monogamous relationship

does she know you see other girls?

No. In fact, I'd bet money that she would start crying if she knew I was banging another girl 14 hours before our date.

it just isn't that serious bro. maybe it will get serious on the future, who knows? but for now, keep it casual. chill out.

I'm not expecting serious and know it's not, I just don't want a strictly romantic relationship with the girl. When I've gone out on 6 dates with a girl and am not making out with her yet, I feel like an AFC.

to say she doesn't get anything from you because you don't buy her things is short-sighted. if she wasn't getting something, she wouldn't be spending time with you

That's what I can't understand, and like I said above, probably goes back to the skepticism I have towards women, thinking they're all sluts and out to use men. I guess it's possible the value she's getting from the situation is that she views me as the prototypically perfect provider or maybe even actually likes spending time with me. But she wouldn't have gone out with me 6 times if she wasn't getting something out of it.

also do you share her religious beliefs?

Yes, as in I believe she's right. I'm just a very bad example of my beliefs. This is a major area of conflict in my life, but I can't get past the fact that I want to have sex. It doesn't even have to be with multiple people. I just figure if I'm going to break that moral position, I should go big or go home.

Sounds like she's a Christian who actually follows through on the practices - instead of just going to Church to seem like a good person. Christians aren't supposed to have sex before marriage, and are taught to be relationship-minded with family values.

She sounds like a nice girl more than anything. Which would explain why she's so prudish and reserved. She's also heavy into affection, but not so much into getting physical. She enjoys just being around you.

What you have is LTR material... A girl looking for love and companionship. The only question is if you want that.

At first, I didn't believe she was a sincere Christian. I know what they believe, I've gone to a very conservative evangelical church since I was born. Believe it or not, until this past November, I preached in it!

I've run in to so many sorry excuses for "Christian" girls that I have started to believe there is no difference between a girl who goes to church and one who doesn't, except the one who goes to church is a hypocrite. But maybe you're right. Like I said, she reminds me a lot of my first girlfriend, and I had to each her how to comfortably relate with me. Even though the relationship didn't work out, it was a very enjoyable relationship.

This is the problem dude. I am looking for that sort of LTR situation, cognitively. I feel like a complete idiot though. I bring these girls home who are pretty, align with the values I have, have lots of things going on in their life, and my parents cannot fathom why I am not interested in them and instead end up in these highly superficial relationships with crazies and cluster B's. I end up breaking the hearts of the good girls and getting my heart broken by the bad ones. I want to change this. The problem is, these good girls (if they're actually good girls), just don't have the same sort of sex appeal as the crazies do. And can be beautiful, but who cares if a girl is beautiful if you can't tap it? It's like having a million dollars tied up in an investment you can never cash out. It doesn't matter. This is the heart of my problem, I think, which is why I wrote this to begin with. This is MY problem. I need to figure out what to do about it, because I feel like what I've been doing is rather self destructive. Continuing would not be helpful.

And to the posters who have made reference to the girl's beauty. She's beautiful. But actually, the girl I was banging yesterday in the early morning is prettier. I do not think I have this girl pedestalled due to her beauty.