Keeper
Master Don Juan
AFC Humour, not to be taken seriously. 
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you'll get points. Do something she dislikes and
points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects - sorry, that's just the way the game is played.
Simple Duties
-------------
You make sure there's plenty of fuel in the car = +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the
nearest gas station = -1
You take out the trash and stack it neatly by the curb = +1
You take out the trash at 4:30 pm, just as the truck pulls away. -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish = +1
You leave them under the bed = -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings =
+5
But return with beer = -5
You leave the toilet seat up = -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty = 0
You make the bed = +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows = 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets = -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night = 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing = 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something = +5
You pummel it with a six iron = +10
It's her father = -10
Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party = 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy = -2
Named Tiffany = -4
Tiffany is a dancer = -6
Tiffany has implants = -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her = +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" = -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think
she is cute, you say, "Yes, but not as cute as you" = +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's cute you say,
"Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed" = -6
That woman is her sister = -90
You have one drink, and that's it = 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle = -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted = -18
Things Of A Disgusting Nature
-----------------------------
You unclog a stopped-up toilet = +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit = +7
You get rid of a dead rodent = +8
You remove the cat from the blender = +12
You take her mother to see 'Cats' = +16
Saturday Afternoon
------------------
You go to the mall together = +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car = +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports
bar = -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it. +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk = +3
Most of it chips and beer = -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den = +15
Or refinishing the floors = +16
Or rewiring the basement = +17
Or adding a second floor = +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket = -6
And you're tickled pink about it = -15
You visit her parents = +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation = +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television = -3
And the television is off = -6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear = -6
And it's not your own underwear = -10
Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner = 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar = +1
Okay, it really IS a sports bar = -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night = -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colours of your favourite team = -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player = +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing =
+4
And you stink = +2
And you're not half bad = +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much
applause = -2
You give her a gift = 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance = -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance = +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate = +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months = +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day = -10
With her credit card = -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big = -40
Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday completely = -10
You forget your anniversary = -20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station = -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey = -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast = -50
A Night Out With The Boys
-------------------------
Go out with a pal = -5
And the pal is happily married = -4
Or frighteningly single = -7
And he drives a Trans Am = -10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 N BED) = -15
You have a few beers = -9
And miss curfew by an hour = -12
You get home at 3 am = -20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars = -30
And not wearing any pants = -40
Is that a tattoo??? = -200
Her Night Out
-------------
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends = +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late = +10
You wait up = +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed. +20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not
before she pukes in the bathroom = +25
Which you clean up = +35
A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV together = 0
You rent a movie = +1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY = +3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout = +5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep = -1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool = -2
A Night Out
-----------
You take her to a movie = +2
You take her to a movie she likes = +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand) +6
You take her to a movie you like = -2
It's called 'DeathBlaster 3' = -7
Which features cyborgs having sex = -9
You lied and said it was a film about orphans and puppies = -15
Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected = 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it = +5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself = +10
And she contracts Lyme disease = -25
Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly = -15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it = +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts
= -5
Grooming
--------
You trim your nails = +5
You trim your nails in the living room = -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat = -15
You shave on the weekends = +2
You don't shave on the weekends = -4
You don't bathe on the weekends either = -8
But then, neither does she = +8
Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical = -5
Something she can't use = -10
Such as a motorized model airplane = -20
And your kid needs braces = -30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces = -120
Driving
-------
You lose the directions on a trip = -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost = -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town = -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal = -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt = -60
The Big Question
----------------
She asks, "Do I look fat?" = -5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding = -10
You reply, "Where?" = -25
Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks
like a concerned expression = 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes = +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV = +10
She realises this is because you've fallen asleep = -10
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you'll get points. Do something she dislikes and
points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects - sorry, that's just the way the game is played.
Simple Duties
-------------
You make sure there's plenty of fuel in the car = +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the
nearest gas station = -1
You take out the trash and stack it neatly by the curb = +1
You take out the trash at 4:30 pm, just as the truck pulls away. -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish = +1
You leave them under the bed = -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings =
+5
But return with beer = -5
You leave the toilet seat up = -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty = 0
You make the bed = +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows = 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets = -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night = 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing = 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something = +5
You pummel it with a six iron = +10
It's her father = -10
Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party = 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy = -2
Named Tiffany = -4
Tiffany is a dancer = -6
Tiffany has implants = -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her = +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" = -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think
she is cute, you say, "Yes, but not as cute as you" = +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's cute you say,
"Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed" = -6
That woman is her sister = -90
You have one drink, and that's it = 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle = -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted = -18
Things Of A Disgusting Nature
-----------------------------
You unclog a stopped-up toilet = +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit = +7
You get rid of a dead rodent = +8
You remove the cat from the blender = +12
You take her mother to see 'Cats' = +16
Saturday Afternoon
------------------
You go to the mall together = +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car = +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports
bar = -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it. +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk = +3
Most of it chips and beer = -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den = +15
Or refinishing the floors = +16
Or rewiring the basement = +17
Or adding a second floor = +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket = -6
And you're tickled pink about it = -15
You visit her parents = +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation = +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television = -3
And the television is off = -6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear = -6
And it's not your own underwear = -10
Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner = 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar = +1
Okay, it really IS a sports bar = -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night = -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colours of your favourite team = -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player = +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing =
+4
And you stink = +2
And you're not half bad = +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much
applause = -2
You give her a gift = 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance = -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance = +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate = +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months = +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day = -10
With her credit card = -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big = -40
Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday completely = -10
You forget your anniversary = -20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station = -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey = -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast = -50
A Night Out With The Boys
-------------------------
Go out with a pal = -5
And the pal is happily married = -4
Or frighteningly single = -7
And he drives a Trans Am = -10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 N BED) = -15
You have a few beers = -9
And miss curfew by an hour = -12
You get home at 3 am = -20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars = -30
And not wearing any pants = -40
Is that a tattoo??? = -200
Her Night Out
-------------
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends = +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late = +10
You wait up = +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed. +20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not
before she pukes in the bathroom = +25
Which you clean up = +35
A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV together = 0
You rent a movie = +1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY = +3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout = +5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep = -1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool = -2
A Night Out
-----------
You take her to a movie = +2
You take her to a movie she likes = +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand) +6
You take her to a movie you like = -2
It's called 'DeathBlaster 3' = -7
Which features cyborgs having sex = -9
You lied and said it was a film about orphans and puppies = -15
Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected = 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it = +5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself = +10
And she contracts Lyme disease = -25
Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly = -15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it = +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts
= -5
Grooming
--------
You trim your nails = +5
You trim your nails in the living room = -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat = -15
You shave on the weekends = +2
You don't shave on the weekends = -4
You don't bathe on the weekends either = -8
But then, neither does she = +8
Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical = -5
Something she can't use = -10
Such as a motorized model airplane = -20
And your kid needs braces = -30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces = -120
Driving
-------
You lose the directions on a trip = -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost = -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town = -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal = -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt = -60
The Big Question
----------------
She asks, "Do I look fat?" = -5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding = -10
You reply, "Where?" = -25
Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks
like a concerned expression = 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes = +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV = +10
She realises this is because you've fallen asleep = -10
