How to not give a f--- (the ones you really like)

[TheCWord]

This site does a great job of teaching us how to avoid oneitis and keeping one "special" woman off those pedestals.

But we can talk about plate spinning all we want, we still know that, every now and then, you meet a woman - even if she's one of many you're meeting - who just starts to tick off all those boxes on your "perfect mate" checklist.

Whether this is a new flame or a former love who you bumped into on the street or whatever, how do you stop yourself from going into overanalyzing mode and not fretting about outcomes?

I think any good tips posted here could make the difference between having an interaction with your ex that ends with you saying, "Ok, that happened" and "what did she mean when she said that? should i not have said that. etc.?" Similarly, you want to not give a **** with the new girl you really like too.

EDIT: And anyone just discovering this site for the first time - lots of good tips about this in the DJ Bible... Just trying to gather some fresh takes on the subject.

 

[HalfPUAHalfAFC]

First, a little fretting and analyzing is both good and predictable. It's good because (1) in terms of fretting, a bit of tension keeps us on our toes and (2) in terms of analyzing it helps improve our game (we're men, after all, and logical thinking is what we do!).

Just don't over do either.

Now, on to answer your question.

EXPERIENCE

First and foremost, the more experience you get, the better you will be at dealing with that woman that sort of trips you up and becomes something of a focus of your desires.

This will likely never end, however. It still happens to older guys too.

So, what to do?

(1) Realize it's normal.

(2) Keep hitting on other women.

(3) Don't give the one you "really" like too much attention.

(4) Realize you are probably overlooking some of her flaws.

(5) Realize you are probably not going to get most of the girls you feel this way for either.

(6) Do only a little chasing, enough to get her intrigued, but make her show some investment in you as well.

(7) If she's not playing along, realize that as you game and/or bang more other chicks, you will also run into another woman that "does it" for you. They will keep coming.

In the last year, I've had three women on my radar I could feel some strong emotions for developing.

Experience taught me to not let it consume me. I'd been there before and it never worked when I played sniper. I tried to game them while gaming other women. At some point with each I realized it was a dead-ender and nexted them before I did/said/acted stupid. Now, I'm still on good terms with two of them and they can work as some social proof for me (the third I have not contacted in a few weeks and rarely see at social settings I frequent...right now, it's her job to contact me and if not, well, she's an idiot for passing up a good thing).

SoSauve taught me about spinning plates and the curse of oneitis and what to do about it.

You have to internalize outcome independence. If you can only do that intellectually at first, well that's a start. But over time you will learn to do that because of experience.

You should be gaming several girls at a time and always adding new ones into your planning as you next others.

This will do several things:

Give you a sense of abundance and options. You will NEVER get that one girl if you act around her like she's the only thing for you.

If you are gaming other girls, you will be in better practice when you do run into that one hotting that has your attention more than others.

Finally, if you are in practice and have an abundance mindset, that desperate that is repellent to girls will be less likely to surface.

Good luck!

 

[TheCWord]

Half,

One of the most helpful posts I've read on here. Thanks for your solid insight.

Can you speak to maintaining a healthy state of mind after making mistakes? When I violate one of the points you made for whatever reason, I'll get really down on myself - because I should've known better and Ill get caught up in thinking about how "if only I had more self control"

I'll give you the specific example that inspired this post: I texted my oneitis girl who I had nexted (talked myself into it despite some great advice from SS telling me otherwise). Now it wasn't such a bad text...I was wishing her luck on a recent accomplishment I'd heard about... But it was ignored, and now I'm kind of thinking, damn, any chance I had with this girl down the road is blown because she is now ignoring me rather than the other way around.

The good thing is that I won't make these mistakes with future girls, but I'm hung up on this current mistake... when really I'd like to have more of a "don't give a f--- attitude." Like: I sent a positive, friendly text, gave her a chance to respond in kind, but she didn't - her loss. Having a hard time getting to that mind set which I know is the healthy one

 

[Deep Dish]

Can you speak to maintaining a healthy state of mind after making mistakes? When I violate one of the points you made for whatever reason, I'll get really down on myself - because I should've known better and Ill get caught up in thinking about how "if only I had more self control."

Patience is a virtue. Think about it this way: it’s just like when you hit some resistance from a chick’s anti-slut defense. What do you do? You lay back and chill for a “minute,” and then try to escalate again. When you make a mistake, act like nothing happened. When in doubt, do nothing. Time is on your side. At minimum, you only need to move as slow as the situation allows (only as fast as the situation needs).

When I go into gaming, I remind myself, “Hey, it’s just practice.”

 

[TheCWord]

Hey Deep, Half and other readers of this thread - what's your take on this:

I'd written about fretting over a mistake - sending a girl I went NC with a text. 24 hours later I got a reply from her. It was nice, friendly, she asked me a question about my work. Problem is, I don't want to get back into our old routine of making friendly chit chat over text because she has still not addressed the whole reason I went NC, deleted her off facebook, etc.

I'd like to move on, meet new girls, work on myself etc. while at the same time making all the right plays with this one, because she'd be lovely to be with down the road if only she would acknowledge her ****ty behavior and start making an effort... A relationship on my terms, basically...

Can you confirm that ignoring her text is the right move - even if she was just replying to me in the first place? I imagine that's quite confusing for her - why would I text her out of the blue and then ignore her when she replies - but, know what, maybe it's time she was the confused one for a change. Despite my moment of weakness in breaking NC, I still feel hurt by her lack of effort in the past and I don't want to give her the impression that things can go back to normal without her addressing that. While, at the same time, I'd like to keep the door open for her to make that crying call - I'm always worried about being too cold or disrespectful to the point that she would just say "f--- this guy." She's a highly intelligent girl too.

 

[Vigs]

The point of no contact is not to get her back, it is to heal yourself. After a couple of months of other women, and not being around or talking to her, her shine fades away, and you will see she is not as special as you thought.

If you even still want her at that point, you can try it from a position of strength, but in my case, I found I wasnt interested in my ex wife anymore.

 

[TheCWord]

If you even still want her at that point, you can try it from a position of strength, but in my case, I found I wasnt interested in my ex wife anymore.

Yeah Vigs, I've read that a lot on here - that by the time they come back, you're no longer interested. Seems like a sad concept at this point, but I get it and would be relieved to be over this girl at this point.

So, regardless of if I'll be into the idea of seeing her again down the line, would you agree that I have to get back into ignore mode here? Frankly, even if I get over her, my ego likes the idea of her thinking about me and realizing what she lost - I'm just trying to double and triple check that I am doing all the things that are conducive to that.

 

[VladPatton]

The thing is, a lot of guys misunderstand the power of the "No Contact law". They do it for 2, 3 days, then send the girl a cutesy message. No contact is a permanent blow off. I go as far as deleting the girl's number. In the unlikely event that they contact you, you have to maintain your ground. Refuse her attempts to win you over. You coming back to her in a snap and licking her ass will ensure your defeat. It's pretty black and white.

Are there exceptions to all of this? Yes, of course, use your better judgement.

In conclusion, the No Contact decision is for you and your own mind, not for any further gaming. It really is a guy's nuke button.

 

[HalfPUAHalfAFC]

Half,

One of the most helpful posts I've read on here. Thanks for your solid insight.

Can you speak to maintaining a healthy state of mind after making mistakes? When I violate one of the points you made for whatever reason, I'll get really down on myself - because I should've known better and Ill get caught up in thinking about how "if only I had more self control"

I'll give you the specific example that inspired this post: I texted my oneitis girl who I had nexted (talked myself into it despite some great advice from SS telling me otherwise). Now it wasn't such a bad text...I was wishing her luck on a recent accomplishment I'd heard about... But it was ignored, and now I'm kind of thinking, damn, any chance I had with this girl down the road is blown because she is now ignoring me rather than the other way around.

The good thing is that I won't make these mistakes with future girls, but I'm hung up on this current mistake... when really I'd like to have more of a "don't give a f--- attitude." Like: I sent a positive, friendly text, gave her a chance to respond in kind, but she didn't - her loss. Having a hard time getting to that mind set which I know is the healthy one

Hey CWord, no problem on the help.

Experienced guys screw up too, some more than others.

But I hear you on getting down on oneself after a screw-up. The question is how are you going to deal with it?

Let's start of with the easy part... You LAUGH IT OFF. Write it up to the game, shake it off, and keep moving.

Easier said than done, of course, but that's your best first reaction.

But let's dig deeper.

After you laugh it off, a wise DJ also uses it as a learning experience. You seem to be thinking this way, so that's good.

Figure out what the bad moves in the seduction were and also figure how WHY they were bad moves. The "why" will also transfer to other lessons where you can avoid other mistakes.

So it's a learning experience, one that will help you with your chops.

Now, a little more deeper.

You feel BAD. You get down on yourself. This is for mainly two reasons, one of which is obvious and we all know but we rarely think of the second.

The first reason is that you lost the girl, the oneitis, the one YOU REALLY LIKED. You get down. But did you REALLY like her? Was that true or an illusion? Think about your oneitis from 2-3 years ago. Still feel down about her? Still see her the same way now as you did when you were pining away so long ago? You probably see her in a different light. You'll soon feel this way about your current oneitis. Keep this in mind.

But the second reason we get down, the one we usually don't think about, has nothing to do with the girl but us.

It is our PRIDE talking. Our pride is hurt because (1) she rejected us and (2) we failed ourselves. Prior to being a DJ, we could sense our pride being hurt only because we felt rejected. But once we learn game, we also start thinking about where WE BLEW IT more than simply her not liking us. We had her on the line and if our game was tight, we would have gotten with her. So the rejection represents our failure, our bad game, our mistakes. And it is a hit to our pride. We know we could have and should have done better. It doesn't feel good and we tend to turn all inward and sort of shame ourselves.

That feeling should last no more than 15 minutes, preferably less. Not hours, not days, not weeks, not months.

Reframe the failed seduction not in terms of her being a b!tch or leading you on, but in terms of a gap in your seduction skills. You missed a moment. You failed to lead. You did not escalate when you should... whatever. You struck out. A good hitter in baseball let's a strike out effect them very little because it is part of the game. They just figure out to get better and work on their game. Same principle here.

 

[HalfPUAHalfAFC]

Hey Deep, Half and other readers of this thread - what's your take on this:

I'd written about fretting over a mistake - sending a girl I went NC with a text. 24 hours later I got a reply from her. It was nice, friendly, she asked me a question about my work. Problem is, I don't want to get back into our old routine of making friendly chit chat over text because she has still not addressed the whole reason I went NC, deleted her off facebook, etc.

I'd like to move on, meet new girls, work on myself etc. while at the same time making all the right plays with this one, because she'd be lovely to be with down the road if only she would acknowledge her ****ty behavior and start making an effort... A relationship on my terms, basically...

Can you confirm that ignoring her text is the right move - even if she was just replying to me in the first place? I imagine that's quite confusing for her - why would I text her out of the blue and then ignore her when she replies - but, know what, maybe it's time she was the confused one for a change. Despite my moment of weakness in breaking NC, I still feel hurt by her lack of effort in the past and I don't want to give her the impression that things can go back to normal without her addressing that. While, at the same time, I'd like to keep the door open for her to make that crying call - I'm always worried about being too cold or disrespectful to the point that she would just say "f--- this guy." She's a highly intelligent girl too.

Now you see the problem with breaking NC. You contacted her, she messaged back and, you are right, if you don't answer her question you are an even bigger b!tch than see might see you as already.

You contacted her first, but why would ignore her response unless you were a socially retarded game-playing loser? (in her mind)

Wait a day or so, text her something simple, "Work is good. Same stuff, new day, you know the drill." And LEAVE IT AT THAT.

Resume NC.

I can tell by your writing you are a bit in DESPERATION mode. If a guy online can sense it from your writing, you can bet your bottom dollar she can sense it from you before we do.

I'm not feeling optimistic about the prospects here.

A DJ truism: A woman who is truly into you will not confuse you. A woman who wants to see you will make time to do so.

There are variations in this (sometimes they warm up to you over time; sometimes they are in fact busy/sick/out of town) but do not let your brain default to assuming all her words/actions fit in the variation but rather it's best to assume the truism first and wait for additional evidence (her actions).