how to get the upper hand back?

[carlitos]

so let's just say you're casually dating a girl and she likes you..but she has the upper hand and is the one that acting more aloof..how should i get the upper hand back?

i know one method is to up the ante and act even more aloof, but is this the only way?

although it's true i do think males have to be more proactive in the beginning and just go after what u want even if the girl flakes a few times but eventually she's gonna buckle? and she also wants to see how much of a man you are because if u give up after the first signs of aloofness it's not attractive?

what about playing with words rather than playing with timing? for example instead of waiting 2 more days than her what about deliver the same meaning through conversation?

i personally think girls like balls as in not giving up (but of course also not annoying and needy), what do u guys think?

 

[Social Calibration]

Carlitos, how does she have the upper hand in the first place? What are you pertaining to when you say she has the upper hand? Upper hand in what? The conversation? The relationship?

 

[carlitos]

the relationship...i like this girl a lot she's really cool..and it's not like she's pushing me away or using me as an emotional tampon..but she could have other options

i'm not at the point where i'm super whipped but i can feel it..and i know some of you are gonna say oh just forget about her and find other girls but i know there's gotta be other ways because
1.girls like persistence and
2.i'm not trying to apease her but i do want to strategize, simply nexting her is actually a coward move i believe

i believe that alpha males should not try hard to compete but should still seek to dominate instead of simply nexting her.

any advice?

 

[PRMoon]

Stop caring so much. She only seems aloof because she's confident in herself enough to know you probobly aren't going anywhere. You need to start thinking the same thing. Believe and act as the attractive one in the relationship and she's lucky to be with you. If you go into it with that mentality the majority of the pressure will be off you, and you'll be much happier.

 

[Social Calibration]

Hey Carlitos,

I see what you're saying now, and thanks for making that a lot clearer. From what you're saying it seems like this girl is holding all the cards, or at least most of them.

When you see her/speak to her is she happy to hear from you or see you? How's her voice tone? Open body language? Does she look at you when you talk? There's pretty much a linear behavior that most women (I can't say all) follow when they start losing interest in a guy and I don't have enough information from you to make that assumption.

And what do you mean "She could have other options"? How long have you been dating her now? Has her behavior changed from the point you first met her to now?

Sorry for all the questions but I'd like to help you out, just not enough info you're giving.

 

[everywomanshero]

Upper hand? Are you in a poker tournament with her or something? First thing I should suggest is completely changing how you think about relationships. You're using something known as social exchange theory:

"Social exchange theory proposes that social behavior is the result of an exchange process. The purpose of this exchange is to maximize benefits and minimize costs. According to this theory, people weigh the potential benefits and risks of social relationships. When the risks outweigh the rewards, people will terminate or abandon that relationship." -- random website.

Analyzing things in terms of give and take, and it's easy to feel "ripped off" or "out gunned" that someone else "has the upper hand". Basically, if the woman isn't willing to chase, then there were probably problems way back earlier in the chain pf events or that have been existing for quite some time if a LTR that has been dwindling (known as being in a state of decay when this is a consistent pattern over time).

I think of relationships as being on a continium somewhere between begin & end. All relationships must end because at some point one of the dou will cease to exist and most will end before this extreme occurs. So you are somewhere between begin & end. Is thee any educated guess as to whether or not things are moving closer to the end faster than you'd like? Maybe. I don't think about things on this level, but there are stages of decay that describe processes that when they are consistently characterizing the relationship over time are big flashing signs.

Too much typing for me, so I again stole this from a random website:
"I. Circumscribing - Rather than continuing the same old fights, you avoid them. You're filled with an internal rage but as of this point, are not ready to vocalize the problem to others. You stop going out together as much, preferring time with your separate groups, and when you are together, the interaction is limited.

"You just said that!!!" I'd screamed. "Can't you think of anything else to say?!" It felt good and awful at the same time but since my words have sunk in, I've been numb. Let the phone ring.


III. Stagnation- No growth, no real decay, just still. Same old, same old is now a little too old. Nothing seems to change, and your feelings are suspended mid-air, almost.

Boredom is slowly changing into something else. I can't really put my finger on it, but it seems like time has stopped. I'm in a freeze frame and any second the picture is going to snap back. It feels like my life is out of sync.

The phone continues to ring. "Tell him I'm not home." Lie for me, so I can lie to myself. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? God, I just want some ****ing space to breathe. I feel like I'm suffocating-you'realwaystherejust... GO AWAY!!


IV. Avoidance - **The Point of No Return** You physically go out of your way to avoid your partner. Being in the same room, perhaps living in the same home, becomes an impossibility as you become more likely to engage in bitter, heated arguments.

Heh. Is something wrong?! Of course something is wrong!! What kind of a stupid question is that? You'd have to be completely blind not to see that something is wrong. With me. It's not you, I see that now, but it's me and I can't take this and I need out. O-U-T and fast. But I can't tell you what's wrong. We'll only start the same old cycle and I'm sick of talking about it. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Please, just leave me alone.


V. Termination - The relationship comes to a formal close. The event can be private, or public, but must take place in a forthright, finalized manner."

 

[JackRyanJuan]

Carlitos,
You mentioned flaking, how has this girl flaked on you? Also, when you mention her aloofness, I can't tell if you mean she is playing games. Personally, I think playing games back-i.e. "acting more aloof" is just going to lead to more confusion and problems. The thing with playing games is that there's always a winner and a loser. It also sounds like you are a bit clingy with her. Your situation seems like it's easily solved with a little AD logic: "Judge a woman by her actions, not her words."

 

[DonGorgon]

A man can only win by doing what women do... - HAVE MANY OTHER DATING OPTIONS ON HAND..

 

[carlitos]

Hey Carlitos,

I see what you're saying now, and thanks for making that a lot clearer. From what you're saying it seems like this girl is holding all the cards, or at least most of them.

When you see her/speak to her is she happy to hear from you or see you? How's her voice tone? Open body language? Does she look at you when you talk? There's pretty much a linear behavior that most women (I can't say all) follow when they start losing interest in a guy and I don't have enough information from you to make that assumption.

And what do you mean "She could have other options"? How long have you been dating her now? Has her behavior changed from the point you first met her to now?

Sorry for all the questions but I'd like to help you out, just not enough info you're giving.

no man not at all..anything you can help me with i'd definately appreciate

it's true what you say she is holding most of the cards now..and my objective is to get the cards back, i'm not at the point of no return yet and i believe it's not about me acting aloof but it's more about what i say/do when i'm with her or talking to her and at the same time giving her the impression that i could leave anytime

i'll give you a brief outline of the sequences..
-first day i met her (a month and half ago) i approached..got her number everything went well
-the next day we hooked up, she seemed happy to see me, like paying for my drinks and stuff like that then that day we kissed and it was very good
-but..2 days later when i was talking to her on msn i said i'd be back but i didn't..then i went to a party with a bunch of other girls and all the pics got posted up on facebook (we werent dating at the time so technically i'm not wrong but i still think it wasnt a good idea)
-then i think i made a mistake by trying to chase her at this point because i felt kinda bad..i kinda regreted going to that party..then i probably said something stupid
-2 days later she flaked on me...not a big deal it's the first time..then we hooked up again on monday and she seemed happy to see me again..but next day she flaked again
-anyways long story short we havent seen each other for a while and whenever i stop talking to her for a while she'd always re-initiate contact
-the next time i saw her was at school (last week)..she came over i took off her bra and everything but we didn't ****..it was between classes so timing wasn't exactly right
-then she started teasing me again and flaked on me again until i said to her hey listen...i really take you seriously and i don't want things to just end like this..she told me it's not that she didn't like me it's because she's afraid to commit because i'm on student exchange so i'll be leaving in a month and half..i said i understand blah blah we kinda started going out i guessed she liked how i didn't give up
-for the next 2 days everything was good..she didn't flake but yesterday she flaked on me again..and the day before went well we just went for coffee i wasnt being needy or anything

and about this girl: she's not a social butterfly or party girl..kinda traditional but still up to date..really down to earth..and she's not very emotional or loud either her emotions are pretty much constant the whole time however she could be a little insecure at times

so now i'm not sure what the best thing is to do..keep chasing (because it worked and the more traditional girls like it how guys doesn't give up) or play it cool?

and the linear sequence that you're talking about i kinda have an idea..but my situation is a little different because everything is always fluctuating..i know she's still interested but her interest levels could be a lot higher..and with her being direct and chasing seems to work better than being aloof..and i wanna make her my girlfriend not just for sex..

sorry for writing so much but what would you do in my situation?

 

[carlitos]

Carlitos,
You mentioned flaking, how has this girl flaked on you? Also, when you mention her aloofness, I can't tell if you mean she is playing games. Personally, I think playing games back-i.e. "acting more aloof" is just going to lead to more confusion and problems. The thing with playing games is that there's always a winner and a loser. It also sounds like you are a bit clingy with her. Your situation seems like it's easily solved with a little AD logic: "Judge a woman by her actions, not her words."

i think you're right man..playing the game back can only cause more problems because this girl is more traditional and patient as hell..

what i mean by flaking is that she'll say she'll meet me afterschool for example and she doesn't..or sometimes not returning my texts..but then if i stop talking to her she'll reinitiate with me and then do it again..i don't think she wants to push me away from her..because one day when i was being very proactive and asked her out and she showed up the next day..and she even sent me a text explaining that she's not trying to push me away...she said she wants me but is just afraid to commit because i am leaving in a month and half..maybe she wants to see how much i really like her because before she thought of me as a player (we're going for LTR or at least dating)

you're also right i am a little bit clingy..i'm trying to fix that but i don't really know what the limit is...because i cant be too clingy and at the same time can't play it too cool because this girl is not the type that would like to compete with other girls or chase..

judging her actions is the way to go but her actions are a little hard to judge because it's not a regular pattern..but the fact that she's pulling back again i'm not sure if i should keep on chasing (not appeasing and girls like these seem to like it when a guy puts in effort) or totally pull back (don't think that would work too well..i think the answer is somewhere in between)...what else can i do so she can be whipped over me instead?

 

[BeyondCharm]

Well, you said it yourself, you're leaving in a month and a half and this girl wants a serious relationship.