How to balance the desire for sex and the desire for closeness?

[dietzcoi]

I guess we all think the grass is greener. If you are single, you think people in LTRs have it made.

Guess what, LTRs almost always turn bad. 50% of marriages turn into disasters. You do NOT want to have that.. trust me!

Do not be so quick to give up your freedom. You seem to want to jump out of the frying pan into the fire.

I understand being lonely but being in a bad marriage or relationship is worse.


Dietzcoi

 

[squirrels]

Dude, where did you pick up the highlighted phrases from above? Watching Oprah?

So it's perfectly OK to you that you've sexed all those women, yet most of them probably wouldn't even remember your name were you to see them again? You don't feel upset at ALL that you were just another d!ck to her?

I dunno if I even WANT sex...it's a matter of conquest to me. I want to be the best thing in the life of the women I'm sexing. Even if I see her walking down the street 5 years later with her new husband, I want her to look at me with those eyes that say, "I wish he was you."

What do you want out of life man? What ambitions do you have?

I'd say that's outside the scope of this discussion. But to answer it, there are other things I want in life...I'm taking steps now to take a more positive track on life in general. No, I'm NOT passionate about my current career. As yet, though, my ambitions are either short-term or vague. I have not yet found a career track that I feel that I can define myself by. That doesn't happen often. I'm starting to look again, though.

Everyone on this forum claims that "girls shouldn't be a focus", but yet everyone is still on this forum, which is dedicated to how to meet and seduce women. Yes, I am very interested in women right now. Sex drive occupies a lot of my free thought...it's a conquest for me. I want to know that I took a woman's heart when I make love to her...I want to own a piece of her. It makes me feel expendable, like some toy, to know that a woman can take me or leave me as her ridiculous feminine whims flow one way or the other.

I guess we all want what we can't have. People used to think that I would never hook up with attractive women, so now I devote a lot of my time and energy to hooking up with attractive women. I'm beginning to see success to the point where I can now tell those fvcks that they were wrong and I was right.

Now I'm being told (by people on here) that I can't have a strong, healthy relationship with a woman, that it's doomed to failure, and that 50% of marriages failing is some kind of divine indicator that men and women weren't meant to be coupled. So here I am, trying to prove everyone wrong by finding the ultimate girl and making her mine, and being mutually happy.

 

[squirrels]

So just keep doing what I was doing with the 7s and 8s when I attracted the 9s, but do it better?

I guess that makes sense.

 

[NewMan]

So just keep doing what I was doing with the 7s and 8s when I attracted the 9s, but do it better?

I disagree, because as I see it, you don't have drive or passion for things in your life right now.

Make the changes you need to make (career wise etc) - get the drive and ambition back - and surround yourself with like minded people.

It's all very well saying you want to share life experiences - but I would ask you, where are your friends?

You ride dirt bikes - ride with friends. Use the extra money from the new job to travel with friends. Hike, Bike, Camp. Visit new places, take on new challenges.

Do you really think meeting a woman and getting married is the answer to all of your problems? Some problems go away - like lack of free time - but they are replaced by other issues. No matter what, your going to have to deal with what life presents to you - and if you can't be happy and content alone, you've no business being in a LTR.

Sounds like your jaded and in need of a break to regain perspective.

 

[blueguy]

Simple. Start the relationships sexually. Don't worry. Don't be insecure. But don't trust her. That is what I'm doing. Maybe trust her after awhile. Trust is proven over time. It's very likely she will cheat. I'm certain at least 50% of girls do nowadays. But that goes back to not worrying. You're not going to marry this girl. She's just a girlfriend.

 

[blueguy]

I agree with Rollo on this one. Don't be looking for an LTR. Just take things as they come. I'm never going to be able to fvck as many girls in my life as I can right now. But I think when you're ready to marry, there is a different mindset, and that's when you worry about filtering for a non-cheater.

 

[blueguy]

Are you only having sex? Do you do anything else? Seems like they all think of you as a fvck buddy, and you're looking for a date when that's what you're not initiating. Is there escalation? Or is it just straight to sex. Girls love tension and romance.

 

[Slickster]

Hey Squirrels

Just a couple of words from an old friend.

I feel for you because I've been in exactly the same situation. I doubt that many of the people responding to your post have been in the same position.

They'll tell you that "you are young, stay single, that's the best it gets." And you're thinking "man that's pretty sad if this is the best it gets!"

There's nothing wrong with wanting something more meaningful out of your relationships. Don't think for a second that having a relationship immediately transforms you into some sort of LTR guy who is forever giving up his ability to bang more women. After every relationship there is always more hot pVssy. ALWAYS! Trust me.

Making the realization that "getting laid isn't everything" is actually the first step to the promised land of which you speak. The one where the HB9's are chasing you.

If you are looking for something with more substance then you'll have to stop qualifying women solely based on their looks and more on their personalities.

Does that mean you'll have to start dating less hot women? Of course. At least for awhile anyway.

Anyone who has been f*cking alot of really hot women knows first hand that there is rarely any substance with these chicks.

The HB9 with a great personality and all her shyt together DOES exist. I'd say 1 in 10 or less. But like you say its like looking for a diamond in the muck. One thing for sure you're probably not going to find her dressed up all hot looking at the club. If she's really hot and has her shyt together upstairs then she doesn't need the attention.

It can be fun but its very frustrating and not very fulfilling spending all your time chasing a bunch of dimwit b!tches. Even if they are nice to look at, they are just another hole to stick your d!ck in.

There are tons of great looking women out there (7's and 8's) who do have substance. This doesn't mean you have to totally lower your standards though. I think Newman puts it best....

Live richly, surround yourself with quality friends - and everything else will follow I guarantee.

So true! So very true!


If you start surrounding yourself with quality people and people of substance you are bound to find that diamond.

 

[Sikander]

My 2 cents...

Squirrels,

Just my two cents and please feel free to shoot me down on this if you disagree coz I dont know much about you and my two cents are based purely on what I have read on this thread - First of all I agree with you to a certain extent. Having said that however, I also dont disagree with everything Rollo has said. I agree with you because I realize that sex in and of itself can soon turn empty and leave you with that hollow feeling. What I agree with Rollo on is that the phase you are in right now can be dangerous. It's quite easy to idolize the whole 'finding the one woman' bit and make the most stupid mistake of your life (I'm only refering to getting with the worng woman as opposed to getting with one woman). I also agree with him that at your age you shouldnt be focussing on that. Here is where I think your problem is stemming from -

"Sex is a matter of conquest to me"...."People used to think that I would never hook up with attractive women, so now I devote a lot of my time and energy to hooking up with attractive women. I'm beginning to see success to the point where I can now tell those fvcks that they were wrong and I was right"... I am assuming that at some point in life you got sick of looking at yourself as an AFC/looser/not good with women (Whatever you want to call it). You took it upon yourself to go out and prove them all wrong and more importantly to prove to yourself that you could do this....... You went out with a vengance and pretty much became extremely good at picking up women and taking them to bed.....

Now read this from Senor Fingers
"This, along with a few other incidents made me see that seduction mattered far too much to me. My very self-worth was dependent upon my success with women! I guess you can tell yourself you are the prize till you're blue in the face, but if you feel like you need to play BattleZone to get a piece of ass, then chances are, you don't really believe! It wasn't until I took a hiatus from SoSuave, that things started locking into place. My life got more balanced as I focused my attention on other areas that needed work. (Career, passions, exercise) I was doing these things before, but for the wrong reasons. I wanted to make myself the prize for THEM. Now I am doing it for me and it makes all the difference. I don't have to convince myself I am a great catch because I finally believe in my heart that any girl, no matter how gorgeous or sexy, would be extremely fortunate to lick my balls!"

Do you really have that confidence yet ? Yes, you are extemely good at bringing women back to your cave... but do you truly have that confidence yet ? My guess is a no. But that doesent mean that you should try harder !! In my opinion and some others on this post these are the steps you need to take to make it happen -

1. Slicksters advice is gold - Start qualifying them on a higher scale (Personality instead of looks). Continue spiining these plates (HB6/7/8/.. it doesent matter) ! But FOLLOW Slicksters advice on this. Dont focus on what you can do for them but what they can do for you. Can they put you in a good mood. Can they make you laugh. Can they 'show' you by their actions that they are worth it... this one is a toughie to explain on paper but I think you get the idea! If they dont, next them. This will get you into the 'Prize' frame of mind. And I am not talking playing seduction and being a prize for them so they feel attracted enough to want o go to bed with you. I mean that they have to qualify to stay in your life. Now the problem with this is that you can do all of this but if you havent had too many 9's, the minute one of them comes along you will put her on a higher scale. To counter this you need to also do No. 2 below

2. Try getting as many 9's and 10's as you can ! But dont focus all your energies on them ! Point 1 above will help ensure that you dont focus 'all your energies' on them. This is just for practice and to open your eyes to the fact that a 8/9/10 is nothing special. I quote Slickster "Yeah, the first 9 you get, you're thinking it's the chance of a lifetime and you do everything to keep her satisfied which is why her interest vanishes. " ...Also "As you land real HB on a regular basis, you grow more accustomed to their beauty and start seeing them for what they really are inside, you see the flaws, the lack of integrity or whatever. Then, you're starting to act like you're the prize not her. "... Point number 2 will help you with this....At the end - It IS what is on the inside that counts more... But then we will be dogs and of course we need the inside as well as the outside. Nothin wrong with that ;-)

3. I quote again from Senor Fingers ..."So many times I have seen the most stunning women with unattractive men. I don't just mean average guys...we are talkin ugly with a capital UG! For so long I wondered how those repulsive bastards did it. I befriended quite a few of them to pick apart their game and I realized they were beyond games. On top of having interesting personalities, women were drawn to them because on a deep gut level, these guys did not care about impressing anybody. They gave off this vibe that made you want to impress them...but how? Simple. They didn't bend the truth for anyone. The hottest women are DESPERATE for men like this who will tell it like it is. They are so used to guys kissing their pretty little asses all day that it's a breath of fresh air (and a huge turn-on) to find someone with INTEGRITY. Never underestimate the power of being real!".... At the end this is where you want to reach. This is something that you will only reach once you have all the other things in life taken care of....

Net Net... keep on spinning... a little change in strategy for qualifying them and have FUN doing it. Not to prove anything to anyone or yourself. You have already done that. AND THE MOST IMPORTANT - START FOCUSSING ON EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE - GO AFTER THE CAREER AND EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE WITH THE SAME VENGENCE THAT YOU WENT AFTER THIS WITH. FOCUS ON THAT AT THIS POINT AND CONTINUE HAVING FUN WITH THE WOMEN ALONG THE JOURNEY. YOU DONT HAVE TO F**K ALL OF THEM IF YOU DONT WANT TO. F**K ONLY THE ONES THAT TICKLE YOU INSIDE (even if only a little) AND FOR THE REST, GET THEM TO THAT POINT WHERE YOU KNOW YOU CAN HAVE THEM AND THEN DONT DO THEM. (You dont have to get them back to your pad to know that you can do them.... that would be cruel ! Dont start something that you are not going to finish but it is perfectly acceptable to flirt with them and get them wet without actually doing them) It's actually a bigger ego boost than doing them... trust me ! If I were you I would take a break from this forum and spend more time thinking about what to do with your life in terms of a career.Of course that doesent mean you stop practicing.... just let it flow naturally now......

Sorry if I have gone into lecture mode or offended you at any point coz that was not the intention...Peace out !!

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Sikander, Blusher, and Slickster,


Those were some GREAT posts. Very insightful. Lots of meat and NO garnish in the "plates" you guys just served. I find your takes on the concepts of "babe balance" to be very similar to the ones that I embrace. Though my success rates at practicing the virtues and strategies y'all have espoused are not always as high as I would like them to be just yet, I still remain very confident that the theories are sound.

A lot of the other soldiers in this Sosuave Army made posts that gave good advice as well. And hopefully Squirrels will take the parts of it that he needs. And not JUST Squirrels either. All of you guys' words of wisdom have served to help me sharpen the blade of my OWN bayonet as well...so to speak. lol


Very USEFUL soldiers.



March on.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I'd like to have someone I can share my life experiences with, where the sex isn't the aim in and of itself, but it acts as a celebration of all that we share.

Hahaha! My wife at her worst doesn't sound like you. Son, let me tell you something, affter 10 years of marriage, sex to a woman is basically another chore - wash the dishes, get the kid to school, pick up the dry cleaning, fukk my husband, and fold the clothes. That's not to say sex isn't occasionally fantastic, but like I said, my wife wouldn't come up with as sappy a Hallmark card as you write about sex, even after the best romp we enjoy together.

You really want to know where the balance is in a good relationship? It's finding a chick who wants to bang you as much as she can and making that last inspite of all the day to day routine you deal with year in and year out. So, yes, sex is a very high priority to consider, especially in the long term and it starts in the short term. A good satisfying attitude towards sex is the glue that holds couples together and the problem comes up when symps think it's in some way 'shallow' or superficial to base a relationship on sex. Truth is all relationships are based on sex, sex is the deal killer, and only very foolish AFCs think that focusing on esoteric aspects of a relationship will replace a biological foundation like sex.

So pull your head out of this pre-packaged and romanticized, Pollyanna idealization of "celebrating your precious moments" - this sh!t only flies in romantic comedies, not in a real world LTR.

 

[Squid]

Hey Squirrels, unfortunately I'm experiencing the same thing as you. I'm in a new city far from home with a new job, so I tink that is playing a little on me too. I'm finding like you I can meet new women, I can go out with them, have them calling me, then it stops. Wierd, I haven't figured out what I'm doing wrong either, honestly, it's like I wrote your post.

I think the key is like the guys on here stated, you can't start caring too soon and nomatter how frustrating it is you have to keep going like that. Just reading Slick's posts from before, you find something of substance when you aren't trying so hard, the best things come when you don't expect them. Hope the both of us can find our way through this.