How do you (re)gain inner strength?

[Safari]

Hi all,

Short version: What have you used to center yourself under extreme breakup (or any other) stress?

Long version:

In the aftermath of the breakup of my three-year relationship, and despite holding no contact solidly afterward, the healing process after a month has not yielded much progress, even though I'm supposedly doing all the right things. While she had some serious flaws of her own, including excessive partying and lying about her frequent cocaine use, I've chalked up my role in the horrid ending of the relationship to the projection of my own weakness, knowing there were moments I should have put her in her place for things said and done, or else walked away, and I'm reminded of this weakness again in my seeming inability to fully move on without the hidden thoughts of how I hope for her to return.

I've been persistently attacking the gym with solid nutrition, but any confidence boost is short lived. Gains have been difficult my whole life, so I don't have much long-term progress to point at over spans of weeks or even months.

I make concerted efforts to be busy and social with friends, but the second I'm alone, there's a likely chance of meltdown. In my life, nor in any other breakups, I've never experienced emotional pain so consistently to this degree, and the thoughts for my well-being that have been happening are really starting to worry me. This was my longest relationship with the best connection and the most baffling ending.

I've had the support of many friends, and while their help is appreciated, I sense I will have eventually played that hand out. Some of my other guy friends are really able to let this stuff roll off like it's nothing, and I really envy their mindset right now.

I'm focusing on my own goals, both at work and personal. Motivation on these is difficult at the moment, but I recognize that I have to care about these more than not wanting to be alone.

In my life, I've followed the advice of "bang other girls" that is so popular on this forum, but in the past, doing so didn't have the desired effect, and I only ended up hurting them and gaining little ground for myself, actually reinforcing that I'm not able to have what I truly want in terms of a quality relationship in my life. I don't believe in the "one", but I know that the LTR material I seek has proven rare, and I'm really not interested in wasting time on anything that isn't. I believe in having options, but when your scope of attraction is narrow, it's easier said than realized.

Clearly I'm missing something here, because how I'm feeling isn't the way I should be living.

 

[Lozboss]

Time to take a step back.

Time to focus on yourself. That includes processing your feelings.

This forum teaches No Contact- a key aspect of healing. Some advocate the Plate spinning approach (using cheap women as the emotional vehicle to get you out of the bad place).

I advocate self reflection. Only when you understand yourself can you progress. You need to sit down at home alone and just think, meditate if that helps. Practice mindfullness, do not repress thoughts, feel them, process them. Grieve the loss. Then UNDERSTAND what's making your hold on.

It's hard but you need to understand that you miss the companionship, not the person. We as humans all want companionship as 'no man is an island'. However, it seems you have some issues YOU need to work through.

1. You're defeatist- true change is painful. If it doesn't work (lifting) then seek help and change what you do.
2. Closure- either go get it or accept you are 'baffled'
3. Stop beating yourself up- we all make mistakes in relationships, hindsight is a wonderful thing.
4. Ignore your guy friends' responses to breakups. Everyone is individual and often this is a front. A front is important but inside you need to be honest with yourself.
5. Goals are important, but you'll never achieve them if you aren't ready to take that journey.

PM me if you'd like to chat, happy to skype/whatsapp.

 

[ubercat]

Don't forget you were probably in love with having a relationship rather than actually being in love with this girl. That's 80 per cent brain chemicals. So get those brain chemicals back join some competitive sports try parachuting or bungee jumping for track racing shoot guns whatever the heck is going to give you a buzz.

Volunteering is also excellent for taking you out of yourself. If you're helping people who really have a crappy deal you realise your life isn't so bad. Happy to be PMed.

 

[exhausted]

I am in the beginning of the same situation in a way, although I truly understand me moving on is for the best as my ex just did not offer me what I deserve. I think my sister put it best, you are losing a very very close friend in a way and that is hard to accept. 3 years with this person and they are your closest friend in life at that point. Like the other posters said, accept that you are entitled to be sad and make closure of the situation but allow yourself to take time to do it. Keep in the gym, it helps immensely.