God, I have problems... Help me

[moneyisking]

Ok, well I haven't written on this forum for almost about an year. I talked with a lot of people, read many books, and tried to live my life the way I want it to be; that is, having no problem with getting any girls I want, talking to any of them with no fear, etc.

Obviously I am writing b/c I am in THE worst phase of my life I have ever been. No means to be b!tching here, but I find myself unconsciously praying to God to kill me and end my pain time to time.

I am 20, never had a "real" girlfriend, virgin, nervous and feeling sh!tty all the time about myself and with girls.

Of course, I talk to dudes and have no problem with that, but when I am with girls or talking to them, I can just feel myself subconsciously nervous and feels way different than when I am talking to my own sex.

You guys call this -not being confident- And it is. My friend told me that there's no way to get a girl unless I love myself first; He's true. I realize I always want to be someone else and that I am not good enough. How could any cute girl like me, who is 5'7" Asian, just plain Asian looking with mediocre body (go to gym everyday). He's right. I don't like who I am, and as much as I want to change myself, I can't. No matter how well I dress, I am who I am and will always look like who I am.

The worst part is that I cannot find solution. I have been trying literally everyday and struggling to get better with women, but no results at all. I never felt confident with myself. I have friends who are all confident and dating cute girls (or just fvcking many of them), and it breaks the sh!t out of my heart to see them all successful and confident, while I am pathetic.

I know it's all mentality thing, but for someone like me who had no success in dating and get nothing from a girl and harboring inconfidence, I can't change my mentality in a quick finger snap. It's bad; it feels like I am undesired, unworthy, and unloved b/c no girls ever see me as a sexual mate.

I am at fault, the problem is me. I want to make difference, and have tried. I don't want to blame my race either. But nothing works.

I can't act like an a$$hole, even though I have bitterness towards women b/c I am naturally kind of soft hearted, but I can't be someone who is attractive to girls either.

I am depressed b/c I am the only one that I know who is lonely, can't get a girl for sh!t, and just feel like I am not man enough or desired enough.

Guys, I am seriously in DEEP SH!T. Please Please help me. I don't know what to do with myself.

 

[Scion]

Great, not another guy *****ing about not being able to get girls. Your too outcome orientated. All you want is to get results, to get dates, girlfriends, lays. This comes through in your interactions with women, they know your desperate to get something from them. And yes, your not confident. But even if you were confident (and confidence is very hard to get when all you do is fail, at least if is until you just stop caring about anything) the girls will still sense your desperation and get turned off.

 

[Alex11]

I can relate to what are you saying... been there!! But now Totaly different. Like day and night . And i am so happy i cant describe . And my problem was baldness - it literaly put my looks down way to much . I made totaly change in my life one day since i started wearing Hair sytem . I now have looks like 8 or 9!!) Also manyyy young guys i now know do that . And no one knows ofc! Many girls wear hair sysrems , not to mention fake brests, all make ups, operations (nose, x legs etc) so who cares - they dont.

Simply Girls LOVE TO HAVE nice looking Boyfrend to show him to thair g.frends, family Etc...

If baldness is your problem and If Hair can make big difference on your looks or mentality TRY IT you Have only one Life!
If you dont maybe this can help to someone other who is reading this . Sry for english btw

 

[FunnyMan]

You REALLY need to fix your mindset here. You are complaining of pain, when none of these things cause real physical pain. It's all in your head. Accept who you are, then start to think of ways you can improve your life. Also, it seems that negative thoughts are clouding up your head. Try to be more positive. Whenever I feel like my life is rough I start thinking of all the people who have it worse off and I realize I am very spoiled to have the things that I have, which is probably true in your case, too.

 

[starplayer]

OK dude, read this thread first: Rock Bottom

Like the guys above said you definitely have the wrong mindset. Happiness is relative.


But I have been there myself man. I know the feeling. It sucks the life out of you.

There was a time, before I'd even heard of the community, when I got hardly any attention from girls. It cut right to my core and destroyed my self-esteem because I figured if no girls wanted me then I must be a worthless and low-value human being. I hated what I saw in the mirror. I was in a very bad place and was in a downward spiral.

Then I was extremely lucky as a girl randomly came into my life. When it all went wrong with her I found the community. That's when I realized that all along the problem was my confidence and low self-esteem which was repelling people - that's how I lost that girl. The girl was a b!tch to me in the end and I cut her out of my life completely, but I thank her everyday because if it wasn't for her then fvck knows what sort of mess I'd be in right now.

So now I was more confident I suddenly started getting LOADS more attention from girls which confirmed it was my mindset that mattered all along.


Don't compare yourself to those other guys either, that won't help anything. I think you just need a lucky break at the moment. You need to hang in there man, your day will come.

 

[moneyisking]

Thanks people. I needed that little whipping in the a$$ to get myself together. And thanks starplayer, I read the post, and I am going to drop all the game, etc and strictly live on the rock bottom post for now, until i solve the problem. Thank you all for everything.

 

[Being_the_Don]

Ok, well I haven't written on this forum for almost about an year. I talked with a lot of people, read many books, and tried to live my life the way I want it to be; that is, having no problem with getting any girls I want, talking to any of them with no fear, etc.

Obviously I am writing b/c I am in THE worst phase of my life I have ever been. No means to be b!tching here, but I find myself unconsciously praying to God to kill me and end my pain time to time.

I am 20, never had a "real" girlfriend, virgin, nervous and feeling sh!tty all the time about myself and with girls.

Of course, I talk to dudes and have no problem with that, but when I am with girls or talking to them, I can just feel myself subconsciously nervous and feels way different than when I am talking to my own sex.

You guys call this -not being confident- And it is. My friend told me that there's no way to get a girl unless I love myself first; He's true. I realize I always want to be someone else and that I am not good enough. How could any cute girl like me, who is 5'7" Asian, just plain Asian looking with mediocre body (go to gym everyday). He's right. I don't like who I am, and as much as I want to change myself, I can't. No matter how well I dress, I am who I am and will always look like who I am.

The worst part is that I cannot find solution. I have been trying literally everyday and struggling to get better with women, but no results at all. I never felt confident with myself. I have friends who are all confident and dating cute girls (or just fvcking many of them), and it breaks the sh!t out of my heart to see them all successful and confident, while I am pathetic.

I know it's all mentality thing, but for someone like me who had no success in dating and get nothing from a girl and harboring inconfidence, I can't change my mentality in a quick finger snap. It's bad; it feels like I am undesired, unworthy, and unloved b/c no girls ever see me as a sexual mate.

I am at fault, the problem is me. I want to make difference, and have tried. I don't want to blame my race either. But nothing works.

I can't act like an a$$hole, even though I have bitterness towards women b/c I am naturally kind of soft hearted, but I can't be someone who is attractive to girls either.

I am depressed b/c I am the only one that I know who is lonely, can't get a girl for sh!t, and just feel like I am not man enough or desired enough.

Guys, I am seriously in DEEP SH!T. Please Please help me. I don't know what to do with myself.

You've got deep rooted problems, it seems as if you're ashamed of yourself. You need to talk to a counselor to sort out why you dislike yourself so much.

And I noticed your username. A lot of people consider Sun Wukong AKA the Monkey King to be a hero because didn't run from his problems, you seem just the opposite. You need to develop appreciation for yourself before you can hope to succeed in life.

 

[Cure]

You say you have a mediocre body, yet work out every day?
somthing is wrong, how much do you weigh for 5' 7"?

I know this is old advice.. but bulk up, get strong.
Not becaseu you will attract more women (you will) but becaseu it will give you structure, goals, better hormone balance, more confidence in yourself etc etc.

Cure.

 

[moneyisking]

You say you have a mediocre body, yet work out every day?
somthing is wrong, how much do you weigh for 5' 7"?

I know this is old advice.. but bulk up, get strong.
Not becaseu you will attract more women (you will) but becaseu it will give you structure, goals, better hormone balance, more confidence in yourself etc etc.

Cure.

I am between 145 to 148lb. I work out a lot with my workout buddy, and I guarantee I do it well. Genetics maybe at work, but I am not going to blame it, so no excuse for now. BTW, my workout buddy used to train with 2005 or 2006 Mr. Olympia in Dallas, so he does know what he's doing, and I grew a lot compared to when I started muscle-wise (130lb was starting). I am consistently trying to grow, no doubt about that. Thanks!

 

[moneyisking]

You've got deep rooted problems, it seems as if you're ashamed of yourself. You need to talk to a counselor to sort out why you dislike yourself so much.

And I noticed your username. A lot of people consider Sun Wukong AKA the Monkey King to be a hero because didn't run from his problems, you seem just the opposite. You need to develop appreciation for yourself before you can hope to succeed in life.

Well, to be honest, I was raised by very very judgmental father who would say criticizing, humiliating, and negative remarks about me; especially b/c he had high-standards in academics, discipline, conduct, etc. Plus he just wasn't the most pleasant guy... I thank him for many discipline and other things he taught me, but at the same time, I must admit that I got really hurt emotionally many times at young age (sounds like a pvss... I know). To make matters worse, I had a older brother who is more like gifted in many things, and my father praised him a lot. I remember he used to tell me he couldn't believe something like me came from him... Yeah, many sh!t like that accumulated over years, and I see myself negative also. I think my father's parenting and hurtful words over many years did me REAL FVCKING DAMAGE. I don't know when I can finally love myself, but I decided to love myself. I am looking forward to becoming a lovable human being.

 

[Scion]

Well, to be honest, I was raised by very very judgmental father who would say criticizing, humiliating, and negative remarks about me; especially b/c he had high-standards in academics, discipline, conduct, etc. Plus he just wasn't the most pleasant guy... I thank him for many discipline and other things he taught me, but at the same time, I must admit that I got really hurt emotionally many times at young age (sounds like a pvss... I know). To make matters worse, I had a older brother who is more like gifted in many things, and my father praised him a lot. I remember he used to tell me he couldn't believe something like me came from him... Yeah, many sh!t like that accumulated over years, and I see myself negative also. I think my father's parenting and hurtful words over many years did me REAL FVCKING DAMAGE. I don't know when I can finally love myself, but I decided to love myself. I am looking forward to becoming a lovable human being.

your father sounds like the typical asian father. Stressing his kids to be overachievers and belittles them when they don't like up to those lofty expectations.

 

[ENIGMA16]

BTW I haven't had time to read the other posts so sorry if any of this advice was already offered.

Of course, I talk to dudes and have no problem with that, but when I am with girls or talking to them, I can just feel myself subconsciously nervous and feels way different than when I am talking to my own sex.

Girls can sense this. If you are failing at getting women it is not because you are a virgin or have anything wrong with you, but merely that you are communicating insecurity to them which is a turn off.

You guys call this -not being confident- And it is. My friend told me that there's no way to get a girl unless I love myself first; He's true. I realize I always want to be someone else and that I am not good enough. How could any cute girl like me, who is 5'7" Asian, just plain Asian looking with mediocre body (go to gym everyday). He's right. I don't like who I am, and as much as I want to change myself, I can't. No matter how well I dress, I am who I am and will always look like who I am.

Okay, here's the thing. It won't matter how much you go to the gym, how well you dress, how much money you have, or any of that, because those have nothing to do whatsoever with who you are. These are things that people get into that try to fill the void that's supposed to be filled with self-esteem and self-confidence. So you're actually running away from the issue at hand instead of confronting it. Note that I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the gym, dressing nice or having money, but you have to realize that these are things you should be doing for you and not for anyone else, and they are not ways to boost your self-esteem to the extent that you need; they can enhance it, yes, but that is all.

The worst part is that I cannot find solution. I have been trying literally everyday and struggling to get better with women, but no results at all. I never felt confident with myself. I have friends who are all confident and dating cute girls (or just fvcking many of them), and it breaks the sh!t out of my heart to see them all successful and confident, while I am pathetic.

What do you like about yourself? Let's start there. Write a list of everything you are good at and everything you like about yourself and post it here.

Also, you have to realize and accept the fact that all of this is in your head entirely, and therefore the only truth to this issue is created by you. In other words, you have to accept that your feelings about yourself are in your head and it is this that is causing you to portray this view of yourself to others. You have created this image in your mind and are communicating that to others who pick up on it. It's entirely you.

I know it's all mentality thing, but for someone like me who had no success in dating and get nothing from a girl and harboring inconfidence, I can't change my mentality in a quick finger snap. It's bad; it feels like I am undesired, unworthy, and unloved b/c no girls ever see me as a sexual mate.

This is desperation. This is outcome-oriented thinking. You are letting your success/failure with women dictate to you how you feel about yourself. You need to reorient yourself to a more self-oriented approach, which involves gaining your confidence, and you need to drop the desperation you have for women.

Know what helped me do that? I just gave up women completely for a few weeks. So far I've gone the past five weeks without going out, without attempting to pick up women and without even hanging out with friends. I've focused entirely on myself, and on removing those social anxieties that I once had.

You see, the conception you have about women (i.e. that you are letting it dictate how you feel about yourself) goes away completely when you remove those social situations which allow you to harbor that attitude. If you are constantly worried about what other people think of you, when you remove all contact with those people you learn that in terms of your life they're completely meaningless. Social interactions are an enhancement to life and you shouldn't depend on them for your own self-fulfillment. If you remove all those social interactions then those social anxieties will go away.

I am at fault, the problem is me. I want to make difference, and have tried. I don't want to blame my race either. But nothing works.

What have you tried, specifically?

I can't act like an a$$hole, even though I have bitterness towards women b/c I am naturally kind of soft hearted, but I can't be someone who is attractive to girls either.

This is the heart of the matter regarding your dealing with women. Women don't want an *******. There is nothing wrong with being soft hearted as long as you know how to play the game and apply your skills correctly.

And yes, you can be attractive to girls. You need to realize that attraction works completely oppositely between men and women. Men are attracted primarily to looks, and then, secondarily, to personality. Women are the complete opposite! This actually makes our job easier because tweaking your personality and social skills is much easier than transforming your body. You should view this as a blessing.

You should also note that the only thing a girl knows about you is what you offer to her, or what you reveal to her. You can feel absolutely ****ty about yourself and have zero self-confidence, but if you don't let that show through when talking to a girl and act like you know what you're doing then she'll be none the wiser. The point of this is that you choose what type of person you want other people to see in you. And you can change that to whatever you want, regardless of how you feel about yourself.

I am depressed b/c I am the only one that I know who is lonely, can't get a girl for sh!t, and just feel like I am not man enough or desired enough.

As Pook rightfully said, you're going about this backwards. You're failing at getting girls because you feel so poorly about yourself. The moment you portray some self-confidence you will instantly become more attractive.

I really suggest you do what I did regarding this whole thing, which I outlined in this thread, where you can read my story as well. See post #9 in that thread where I explained roughly what I'm doing. F*ck it, I'll quote:

An Abstract, Or Perhaps A Guide
1. AFC - This is you in your original, naive self. This is your starting point.
2. Theory - Consume all of the theory you can; read as much of it as you can, as many times as you can. Completely consume yourself in DJ theory and philosophy.
3. Self-Awareness/Development - Take some time away from your normal life. Only perpetuate the essentials (i.e. work/school). Remove yourself from social life as much as possible; take this time to reflect on yourself as a person and a human being, to identify your problems, and to start working on them internally. Pick a hobby or two that you enjoy, as well, to focus on during this time. If you feel it is necessary, make some guidelines (like not watching TV or playing video games for this time period). The whole purpose of this is to focus on yourself entirely and to let all unnecessary outside forces and connections be severed from your existence.

Also take time to think about all of the DJ theory/philosophy that you have read. Do not read any of it during this time; just think about it, and how it related to your life in the past and how it will (or how you want it to) in the future.

4. Reintroduction - Bring back what you left behind, but do it gradually and do it with a very conscious mind to make sure that you are not also reintroducing old habits and old anxieties. In stage 3 you should have learned that anything that you are reintroducing in stage 4 is completely unnecessary and if something is going to bring back those anxieties then you should cease it immediately until you can figure out how to resolve the problem.

Also during this stage you should have a plan of action on how you are going to overcome your social anxieties regarding women; i.e. a plan of how you are going to apply the theory/philosophy that you have learned and internalized. You should hit the ground running with this and get as much experience as possible as fast as you can.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Nothing is ever hopeless. I'm 52 years young and only just now getting my act together.

My advice to you is to simply get used to saying hi to people (male and female) and to engage in small talk with them. Miost importantly, when you ask them how they are doing, take that extra mental step and genuinely care how they're doing.

When you do that, the social pressure is off and you can be real.

 

[moneyisking]

@JLay87: To be honest, I am too plain. But your advice was gold. Thank you.
@Atom: Thanks for your encouragement. I will not give up.

 

[ENIGMA16]

@JLay87: To be honest, I am too plain.

What do you mean by this? Also, I asked you to list what you like about yourself.

 

[Allurre]

You need to start appreciating more of what you have, not WHAT you don't have.

It seems like women are the center of your world right now. STOP.

Make yourself a better man, develop yourself everyday. Women will eventually gravitate to you once they see that you are someone of HIGH VALUE.