Girlfriend torn inside between me and Ex...

[MrJam84]

New to the forums, been reading a bit lately a lot of good stuff to be found here, was curious if anyone would want to try and lay some insight on me since i feel like I'm in a quite a situation myself, and although i feel as if i know what i should do, it never hurts to get more outside points of view!

Background:
I'm 23...
lets call my girl :L: to make things easier, she's 20
and her ex :B: i believe is also 20. (goes to school 1 1/2 hours away from where we go)

Anyway it happened as many things do in college, we met at a party at my house, she after all went to high school with one of my roommates last year around October and kind of hit it off, started out real flirty together...

I didn't know immediately that she had a boyfriend, and by no means did i just get her in the sack overnight, it took a little dedication but there was something about her that just killed me and i wanted to be with her so bad. It took a few drunken hookups, and even a few nights in bed before we even got down to "the good stuff" if you will. Anyway, her boyfriend who basically never came up on weekends nothing, and from what it seemed like didn't even treat her so so well, ended up finding out about us after a few months - around Christmas, and they broke up.

After being with her a lot for about 3 months at this point i was really starting to get into her and it was far beyond the initial attraction / sexual stage, i genuinely started having strong feelings for her, which over time only grew... I was almost glad to hear that they finally broke up, I and my roommate who knew her for years were constantly telling her to end things between the two of them, but she preferred it to end in this horrible fashion instead!
-The two of them had known each other for many many years since middle childhood and dated for 2 years junior/senior year of high school before this happened.

So i took my time, didn't push anything just kept doing what i was doing and it seemed to of been working around valentines day i asked her if she'd you know, be my GF, etc, and she said "maybe" and kept saying that it was "too soon", and the whole situation was weird and we just couldn't be something just quite yet. This should have triggered things to me VERY LONG ago but this had only been my 2nd long term relationship so i was rather an amateur...

Basically we kept this in-limbo status for a while and she even ocassionally went home and spent time with him (i didn't know about this till the summer) and was "with" him if you know what i mean, ****ed up obviously... Anyway over the summer we took a long break, and she broke things off between us so i suppose she could try to be with him again to see how things naturally go if they gave it another chance, and as time drew on in the summer she kept talking to me more and more, missing me more, and near the end it was as if they had broken up, and she couldn't wait to just be with me again.

Well its been this past few months this semester at school, and we started out a little rocky here and there, but all in all it's been rather pleasant we've gotten even closer than we originally were.

************************

.But just last week we got into an argument, and she was saying something to me about how she's "unsure" about whats going on between us. I was currently yelling at her how annoying it was that her X BF pretty much calls her everyday, and she was saying "i have to talk to him everyday, he's like family" blah blah, and that "i can't get what i want, which is for her to stop talking to him", when in reality i don't intend to rob her of a life long friendship but to understand that everyday is just a bit TOO MUCH, and by talking to him all the time, and being with me, every time we have a small problem with each other it makes him look all that much better, but she's young, naive, and simply just doesn't understand these things...

She said things such as "its not me, it's her... she just is unsure about her feelings, because she still has some for him" // i apparently "just don't understand what they had, because i've never had something like it before"... etc...

How am i supposed to deal with a situation like this??? How do i get her to know that if they talk thats one thing, but he can't be doing it EVERY DAY, and that while thats one thing obviously them every being alone just the 2 of them is completely disrespectful to me... which she hasn't done since the summer thank god...

I'm exhausted, just been stressed about alot of this i might have not explained everything as clearly as i should have but please lay some wisdom on me fellas... i could sure use some!

Sincerely,
Jam

 

[Mr. Wolf]

Are you able to see other people when your girlfriend is not around?

 

[KontrollerX]

"but she's young, naive, and simply just doesn't understand these things..."

She understands what she's doing.

She wants her cake and to eat it too.

She may be young but she's not as naieve as you might think.

She is stringing you along because you are going along with this, you are allowing yourself to be disrespected by sticking around and enabling her to do this to you.

"She said things such as "its not me, it's her... she just is unsure about her feelings, because she still has some for him" // i apparently "just don't understand what they had, because i've never had something like it before"... etc..."

Yep, she wants her cake and to eat it too.

"How am i supposed to deal with a situation like this??? How do i get her to know that if they talk thats one thing, but he can't be doing it EVERY DAY, and that while thats one thing obviously them every being alone just the 2 of them is completely disrespectful to me... which she hasn't done since the summer thank god...

I'm exhausted, just been stressed about alot of this i might have not explained everything as clearly as i should have but please lay some wisdom on me fellas... i could sure use some!"

1. You don't deal with a situation like this.

2. You don't get her to stop talking with him every day because by sticking around you have shown her that you are willing to put up with being disrespected. The disrespect as a result will only get worse until she dumps you or you dump her.

3. This relationship ultimately has not been a good thing for you. You are stressed out and exhausted. If it were something healthy for you, you would be happy and contented and at peace.

Conclusion: You need to ditch this chick and find a real girlfriend for yourself if what you want is a real relationship. For a real relationship you need to find a chick that does not play these games of indecision which really isn't indecision at all but a solid decision by a girl to string along two guys because thats what she wants ie to fvck those two guys and she will pull every dirty trick in the book to make you think she's going to do what you want and ultimately leave the other guy for you but really in the meantime you are left hanging around waiting for it to happen and not out looking for a real woman and during all this time she is getting what she wants ie two men at her beck and call under her feet.

Since you have feelings for this one I'm sure you want to win and make her yours but its not going to happen as she wants two guys.

I suppose there is a way to possibly make her yours but its only going to work if her feelings are more powerful for you deep down than they ever were for the other guy and what you have to do to do this is tell her if she doesn't cut things off completely with the other guy you and she are done and the next time she acts up and does something with that other guy like talk or whatever you then stick to your guns and cut her off entirely.

If she really cares about you she'll beg and plead and cry and manipulate and you must not give in for a long period of time and once it looks like she's finally going to stop the begging to you then you take her back but she must have implanted in her mind the fear that with all the ignoring of her that you've done before taking her back that you are deadly serious that if she fvcks up again there will be no more chances for her because there won't be.

Alternative Suggestion: Just do what aliasguy would do and use her up for any sex that she gives you when she's with you and don't look to her for more than anything but that. Then you can go on with your life and not feel exhausted, humiliated and shamed from trying to pull love out of a wh0re whose got no real love to give.

Plus while you are using her up for sex you can actively search for a real girlfriend in the meantime.

The bonus of this is you don't go through a dry spell without someone to fvck while you search for a new partner.

 

[KarmaSutra]

"but she's young, naive, and simply just doesn't understand these things..."

She understands what she's doing.

She wants her cake and to eat it too.

She may be young but she's not as naieve as you might think.

KontrollerX fvcking nailed it hard. You need to let this hard to reach chip go. Let the ex enjoy this monotony.

 

[Cremasta]

I'm exhausted, just been stressed about alot of this

This is NOT what having a gf is supposed to be about. Of course you will have disagreements about things from time to time, but in general they should add something good to your life.

She doesn't seem like a very good gf to me, ask yourself seriously... do you deserve this and could you do better?

KontrollerX's advice about keeping her around for shagging purposes while actively seeking other options is spot on. She's not doing you any favours, go do yourself a favour and get what you want.

Cheers

 

[MrJam84]

Some nice thoughts...

Definitely some good advice, i mean... it seems like it might be something good to do, but the only thing I'm left wondering is that - i thought Ultimatum's were a bad thing??

What I'm looking for is a good set of words i can SAY to her, that won't come off controlling / *******-like but strongly show how I'm feeling about the situation, and how this disrespect just isn't able to continue. Whats a better way of saying "or i'm outta here", as in leaving the girl...

I'm extremely busy today but i'm hoping maybe tomorrow i can see her for a little and we argued a bit yesterday but i got a few things i needed too across, hoping tomorrow i can get everything else off my chest, just want to say the right things... and get through to her.

But i suppose your right, if i absolutely can't get through to her, then there's nothing i can do, and its about time i started doing my old thing again. Just a shame with a girl such as this that i've put so much of my time and life into, i think part of the problem might just be that i've been slipping alittle bit in my 'neverending' girlfriend game that you kind of need to play...

either way thanks for the advice maybe i'll see a response or two before tomorrow with some other insightful things to say to her about all of this...

 

[amethyst]

You are lowering your value by showing you actually care that she talks to him every day, it’s in-avertedly showing that you feel insecure... What you have to do is just do what she is doing, go out and call more your female friends regularly and see how she reacts. Though I would recommend that you dump her, if she like you she will come back (she did before didn't she)... If you do it coldly you might get her to break, just don’t let emotion get in the way, there is nothing worse than you and her getting into a fight. If she chooses him over you, you will be better off love works both ways if she doesn’t love you what’s the point? You will just make her and yourself bitter. If she does come back you have a choice whether you take her back or not the ball is in your court, you will have the power back.

Ultimatums are bad if you threten her to break up if she doesn't stop cause its manipulative, and she will resent you. you are not giving her an ultimatum your either breaking up with her or giving her a taste of her own medicine, just don't act like a ***** about it, play it frosty... it's worked for me so far.

Love

Amethyst

P.D. If you need to talk drop me a PM and ill send ya my e-mail so we can talk about more strats you could implement

 

[MooseGod]

If it were me I'd just keep her around as a FB (no relationship BS) until she figures out the deal with her ex. Live your own life. Then maybe she'll come around when she sees what she's missing out on. And if she doesn't, it wasn't meant to be.

 

[KontrollerX]

"i thought Ultimatum's were a bad thing??"

Well some of the time they are an act of powerlessness with one person trying to manipulate another person's emotions to stay with them or lose them forever when the other person cares less about the relationship than the ultimatum giver does.

The ultimatum giver mistakenly thinks that they can shake out any residual emotions the other person may feel about them by throwing this kind of ultimatum out there but ultimately its futile as the person they are in a relationship with simply wants to be free of them entirely.

I think Rollo put it like this: "The person who cares the least about the relationship has the most power in it."

Anyway though ultimatums aren't always a sign of powerlessness they can also be true signs that you do want to be with a person but if they don't change and show you the proper respect you will be out the door.

This type of ultimatum wouldn't be powerlessness on one's part because the person giving it seriously wants to go through with leaving the relationship if things don't change.

Their motive with the ultimatum is to find out if the other person cares enough about them to change and to see if they should finally move on, they aren't manipulatively trying to hang onto something that is pulling away from them they simply want to see where they stand and if its not side by side with the other person then they can feel free to breath again and move on.

Alternatively I guess another valid argument to be made is any relationship where an ultimatum seems to be required probably isn't worth continuing.

 

[MrJam84]

She is telling you that you are not keeping her attracted.



As it stands, she is saying her "relationship" with her ex-bf is more important than her sexual relationship with you.

Raise your value, spend less time with her, if she wants her ex, give her to him and don't raise a stink about it. If you're the prize, then she is replaceable. Stop letting her think you give a damn about her talking to a guy. Right now I can see "neediness" all over you and your thread.

In the end though, she sounds like a "grass is greener on the other side" kind of girl. Do you really want that sort of maintenance to deal with?

Ahh **** you got a good point... I suppose it is partially my fault also that i haven't been keeping my end of the bargain as well as I used too.

Going to see her in like an hour to talk about ****, i've already in my head like mentally let go, just trying to be more nonchalant about the whole situation and not be so uptight / needy like your saying.

I'll post up some stuff if i can afterwards least give an update on the whole situation, just gonna talk to her about some ****. Try to put the power back in the **** kna'mean haha.

Basically i don't give a **** if they talk, i just don't want them to be hanging out by themselves or any bull**** like that. She should know better to even do something like that and disrespect me anyway, just want to make sure she knows that kind of ****.

But your all right, definitely don't need someone walking all over me, or treating me like **** when i don't do the same to them, thats horse **** ya know.