Girlfriend Problem

[SamMalone]

Been going out with this girl for a year now. It's been good. The other day she tells me she wants to get a tattoo on her back. Now, I hate tattoos. Nothing big, just they look trashy to me. She knows this, from way before she decided to get one. She did want to get one about five months ago and I agreed she could get a small one, although told her I wouldn't like it regardless. This new one she wants to get is pretty big, right in the middle of her back like a bodybuilder.

So I dont know what to do. It's her body and the decision is up to her. But why would she decide this if she knows how much I hate them? Her interest level is pretty high, so that isnt a problem. Is this a possilble frame grab? Maybe she is just testing my reaction and is not even interested in getting a tat? How do I respond in this situation?

 

[ThatMysteriousGuy]

Been going out with this girl for a year now. It's been good. The other day she tells me she wants to get a tattoo on her back. Now, I hate tattoos. Nothing big, just they look trashy to me. She knows this, from way before she decided to get one. She did want to get one about five months ago and I agreed she could get a small one, although told her I wouldn't like it regardless. This new one she wants to get is pretty big, right in the middle of her back like a bodybuilder.

So I dont know what to do. It's her body and the decision is up to her. But why would she decide this if she knows how much I hate them? Her interest level is pretty high, so that isnt a problem. Is this a possilble frame grab? Maybe she is just testing my reaction and is not even interested in getting a tat? How do I respond in this situation?

It's not a test, she already got one.

Remember, when women want something a little, and something gets in the way, they want it more. It isn't about not liking you, but your resistance to the idea may be amplifying her wanting to disfigure her body.

 

[SamMalone]

She doesn't have one, she showed me.

By your advice I should act indifferent...but I don't see how that would help.

 

[SchoolBoy]

Why are you worrying about this? Are you some kind of control freak?

It's her body and her choice to get a tattoo. Getting angry with her or showing emotions of any kind will only show that you are controlling. Especially when she's just talking about it and didn't even get one yet. Which you're already freaking out about.

So in a way yes it's a sh1t test. Don't act indifferent, be indifferent.

You don't see why it would help? It shows you're not trying to run her life.

Respond like it doesn't phase you.

 

[drak_ool]

Personally I don t have tats, but I have nothing against them as I live in a part of the country where NOT having a tatoo puts you in the minority. Is she trying to get a bull's eye? I might be a lil old skool on this, but people call it a tramp stamp for a reason...

Her desire to get a tatoo is legitimate. However, her knowing that you hate tatoos, and still insisting on getting one looks shady. Now you start to question her desire: if she wants it that bad why didn't she get it before? Only logical reason is that she does not want it soooooooo bad, it is def not something she cannot live without. So why does she want it now?

Logical answer: it s a sh.it test. It's about that time, a year into the relationship, things going good b/w you two, but she can notice that you are already slipping a little (you said it yourself that you agreed to her having a "small" tatoo... even if you only concede little, you still fail the test) so she wants to see exactly where the power stands in the relationship. So she hits you where it hurts...

Most shi.t tests you can ignore, or joke around, etc. In fact the only way of "passing" one of these tests is to not respond either yes or no, to totally refuse to even entertain the question.

But that would not be a solution in your situation, she ll just get the tat and you ll just be pissed.

1. Act indifferent, joke about it, etc... like you would do in a regular sh.it test. If she really wants the damn thing, she will get it though

2. Sit down with her and explain to her why you're not comfortable with tatoos. Explain to her that in your view they make a girl look trashy and you don't want to date a trashy girl. Basically, set up what your expectations are in a gf as far as tatoos, without going as far as threatening a break-up. She will connect the dots herself, and then based on her decision you will know w/er to keep her or not.

Obviously, I wouldn't keep a girl who oversteps my clearly marked boundaries, w/er it's tatoos, flirting with other guys, hanging out with exes or what not

 

[SamMalone]

Why are you worrying about this? Are you some kind of control freak?

It's her body and her choice to get a tattoo. Getting angry with her or showing emotions of any kind will only show that you are controlling. Especially when she's just talking about it and didn't even get one yet. Which you're already freaking out about.

So in a way yes it's a sh1t test. Don't act indifferent, be indifferent.

You don't see why it would help? It shows you're not trying to run her life.

Respond like it doesn't phase you.

I told her that it's her choice, but that I wouldn't pretend to like it and I would be less attracted to her. If she goes through with getting one, I think that says a lot about the relationship and I would have to think about things. I don't think it is an issue with controlling her.

And I can't be indifferent because, truthfully, I would not be as attractive to her as I was before.

 

[SchoolBoy]

I told her that it's her choice, but that I wouldn't pretend to like it and I would be less attracted to her. If she goes through with getting one, I think that says a lot about the relationship and I would have to think about things. I don't think it is an issue with controlling her.

And I can't be indifferent because, truthfully, I would not be as attractive to her as I was before.

I advocate acting indifference because in the end you'll keep your frame and allow the freedom of choice.

Think about it, if you tell her you don't want her to get one and you strongly oppose of it. Even as to get angry at it.

What happens if she does get one? Then you're in a sticky situation. She directly disrespected your opinion and got one anyways. You are now stuck with 2 choices, you can either next her to keep your frame or you can stay with her and sub-consciously let her know that she can get away with doing whatever she wants and you'll still stay with her. Therefore losing your frame and failing the sh1t test.

But if you were to be indifferent. Then even if she ends up getting one (this is a variable you can't foresee or control), then at least she won't know you were totally against it. Therefore you keep your frame and can decide then on what you're going to do with her. Now you can either next her because you feel like you don't want to be with someone who disrespects your opinion, OR you can stay with her without losing your frame. Win / Win for you.

Unless you're prepared to break it off with her if she ends up getting a tattoo, then you'll think about what I said.

Remember, a DJ never shows weakness. Once you show that you are emotional about something like this, that's your weakness and women are experts at exploiting it.

 

[mustfirstregister]

I would make fun of her tatoo and her before she even gets one.

 

[drak_ool]

SchoolBoy, your advice would work if he never mentionned the tatoo. However, he already told her that he hates tatoos. So if he acts indiferent and she gets one, then he stays with her pretending to be indiferent to the tat, she will know that he s putting on a facade.

I agree with Sam Malone: this is not so much a control freak type of situation, it's simply that you need to have good communication in a relationship, you need to be able to tell the other person what your boundaries are, and the other person needs to respect that.

 

[SchoolBoy]

SchoolBoy, your advice would work if he never mentionned the tatoo. However, he already told her that he hates tatoos. So if he acts indiferent and she gets one, then he stays with her pretending to be indiferent to the tat, she will know that he s putting on a facade.

I agree with Sam Malone: this is not so much a control freak type of situation, it's simply that you need to have good communication in a relationship, you need to be able to tell the other person what your boundaries are, and the other person needs to respect that.

I agree with what you say. The fact that he already told her how he feels about it is good enough. There's no point restating it to her or attracting more attention to it. The more he brings it up, the worse it's going to get once she DOES get one.

My advice to him is more geared towards keeping the frame and sustaining attraction by passing this sh1t test.

 

[hansol]

I would say if has to do with respect. If she is doing it JUST to spite the original poster, then that is bad news bears and you need to sort that out. If she is getting it for her own individual reasons, then you respect that decision. Her body, her choice.

With that in mind, you can make it indirectly known that you are picking your battles. Sure you don't like ink, but it's not a deal breaker for you. You're not a control freak like that. You're not jumping for joy, but you're not happy either. That's allowed, and a slight annoyance isn't a reason to "next" a girl, in my opinion. If she is doing it purely to spite you, and uses it to stir **** up, then that is a red flag and worth getting rid of her.

Pick your battles mate. If she is a good girl and treats you well, but has some ink, then ask yourself if it's a deal breaker. If it isn't, then realize she is her own woman and will do her own thing. Don't get dramatic, no big speeches or anything; she will respect your choice to remain silent. She should know you have bigger things to worry about than what she does to herself, I mean after all, you're focused on closing the next business deal, or climbing that mountain you've always wanted, or dealing with that wanker at the office business party. Ink? Small-time nonsense compared to what really matters in your life.

 

[Nexus Polaris]

Give her a casual ultimatum. Let her know that she can do whatever she wants with her own body, but you can't continue to date somebody that you're not attracted to. And you can't promise you'll still be as attracted to her after she gets it done.

This is basic stuff, man. I think it's getting made into something bigger than what it is here. Your first priority should always be your own happiness. If you don't want a girl with tattoos, don't date one. This is really not much different than if you started dating a girl that completely let herself go and gained 50 lbs. Except this is permanent. You're ending up with something different from what you signed on for. That's called bait and switch. You have no obligation to stick around after the circumstances change. You have no obligation to anything but your own happiness. Don't make excuses to remain in a situation that you are less than happy with. Even though you've been with her for a year, she can be replaced. Remember that.

If you're willing to walk away, she stands to lose more by getting that tattoo than you do.

 

[ThatMysteriousGuy]

On your way to being indifferent you could segue into it by being funny and warm up this cold-war you've got going on.

Go get a big fake nose ring, you know, the type that belongs in a pig's snout and go visit her. Tell her you think it makes you look great and take her out to dinner.
You probably don't want it this big but http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/giant_nose_ring.jpg

Or, get some artisty type friend of yours to draw a spider web on your face and add a little light red around the lines to simulate swelling. Call her up drunk and tell her you got mad, screwed up, and got a tattoo. When you visit it'll be more fun than a barrel of monkeys!
Here's a pattern for you: http://www.inknthis.com/images/web.gif

Seriously though, if this is the worst problem you two have then you just need to get the tension/pressure off of this situation.

 

[AAAgent]

she's your girlfriend not your slave man. You need to understand she can and is allowed to do what she wants to do. You stopping her will only want to make her do it more.

The more you care about the situation the more she will want to do it. its simple psychology. If you don't like it, show her with your actions and responses that don't have to come straight out "I don't like tattoo's, don't get one.". Shrug it off, and don't act interested in the topic because in actuality it does not interest you. If she really does ask you about it tell her your true opinion but don't make a monologue out of it.

Less is more with a lot of cases like this. The more you bring it up or make it bother you the more it will come up and become a bigger deal. In the end if she does get one....what can you really do?

not much.

 

[kingy]

if it really bugs you put your foot down. she will respect you as a man.