Girl is Driving Me Nuts

[jayneumann]

(I am not really new; just changed usernames.)

She emailed me today:

---
[my name],

i've split up w/ [boyfriend?], i'm telling you this because i want you to know
that i do care about you a lot and i hadn't realized i hurt you so much.
since you do not believe in apologies you could not know how sorry i am
and how ****ty i feel; but luckily for you that's not your problem. and
yes i really ****ed up and i know that and i think i am a horrible person
and i deserve to feel that way if not worse. and i honestly am beside
myself, this is so out of character for me, the funny thing is i don't
know why i'm even bothering to tell you this because i don't imagine you
care. i'm glad i met you, and because i know we will not interact anymore
except perhaps in the return of a book... i hope you find what you're
looking for.

[girl's name]
---

Basically, I got her number over a week ago and took her out for a late night walk in the woods (you read that correctly). Anyways, we ended up making out for a bit, but I did not push further.

We go to the same college, so we see each other quite a bit. I think I came on too strong, however, since she would not kiss me after our second time together. I asked her why, and she said that she did not know what she wanted. She then mentioned the "other guy," and I stopped her there, telling her to make up her mind before we continue any further.

She got mad at me and I told her to leave, which she promptly did. She came around a couple of days later to find me, and we went out again. Her body language remained closed, however, and she resisted my advances. I decided that it was time to cut it off. She said, "I just want to be friends...," to which I said "Forget it."

She then said, "You don't understand; I really like you."

I said, "You must make a decision. I made some rash choices, but I do not regret them. I only hope that you can come to terms with yourself. Why did you let me kiss you? Why did you not stop me the first few times? This is bull****. I am leaving."

And I did.

And now she sent me this email. I wrote her back, saying that we both got what was expected out of the mess. I also wrote that the next move would be hers, because I am not going to tangle with her issues until they are really cleared.

What do you guys think? What mistakes did I make? What would you recommend me do?

 

[BackToTheMack]

Dont go out with a girl thats willing to cheat on her BF.

 

[griffon65]

I cant really see any glaring mistakes you made. I dont know your personality or how you act with girls. But from what you've tld me, the fact that she didnt kiss you again had more to do with her having a bf and not anything you did.

You did the honorable thing by not wanting to push things further until she made a decision. That is if you want LTR. If you just want her for "other" things then, you made the worng choice by telling her to make a decision.

 

[BackToTheMack]

Like i said if shes willing to cheat on her BF with you then she is not LTR material

 

[flexion_]

This didn't seem like cheating. In the strict sense it was but in reality many women move on the next guy before leaving the current one. Its just the way of things. She was clearly looking for an upgrade (ie. you)

She is leaving the door open for you to walk through if you want. If you want to continue with her I'd reply to her with a "Lets try this again" and go from there.

Overall I think you handled it well.

 

[BackToTheMack]

She kissed another guy and she ahd a BF its cheating simple. Not LTR material

 

[Dust 2 Dust]

I bet she's still with her BF and just sent you that e-mail to suck you right back in.

 

[Dust 2 Dust]

Originally posted by jayneumann
She said, "I just want to be friends...," to which I said "Forget it."

You answered your own questions. This girl has low IL, is on the rebound, and suffers from a "boyfriend in the background syndrome". A woman with BBS will do all kinds of crazy things with a guy like have a steamy makeout session and then the next day have it mean nothing to her. If you had written her off after the second date then you wouldn't be overanalyzing the situation now.

 

[spider_007]

AW

Just read the email again- see haw she tryes to make YOU feel guilty, and sorry, so she could get her ways.... biatch don't know what she wan'ts, or just wants attention.

 

[joekerr31]

reverse the situation. imagine you had a gf and you made out with another girl. then went on a second date only to have the girl tell you "make up your mind or this is over"

the fact that she was putting the ultimatum to you would make you want her even more. You'd profess your apologies and say all kinds of things to get her to like you again - just becuase it's a challenge.

words mean a lot and notice how she says "I split up with my bf" and then quickly moves on to making you feel guilty.

Split up is a very wishy washy term. If it was totally over she'd have said "It's over with my boyfriend. I want to pursue a relationship with you."

even now she can't be clear and make a commitment to you.

This chic will be never ending drama. Move on.

J

 

[Desdinova]

I think the biggest question is what do YOU want to get out of this? If you're aiming for a few dates, a good lay, or a STR, go for it. If you're looking for a LTR, she's a waste of time.

Figure out what you want, then take the women who will fulfill that want.

 

[jayneumann]

I really ****ing hate how you guys never fail to be right.

Thanks for the responses, and please keep them coming if needed.

More details:

I don't know if it is really her boyfriend, but I think he qualifies as one considering that she had said "There is a guy that I am really in love with..."

But then, when I was leaving, she said, "I really care about you..."

Major mind****, eh?

She is a nice girl. I won't deny it -- I do like her a lot. But the point has been made. She has failed. But is this mitigated to some extent by how she has never hooked up with anyone (or so she claims? though I do tend to believe that), that though she may be in college, her relationship experience level is still that of a high schooler?

I think I will allow her to show me if she can be capable of anything more, but my investment in her is done until proven otherwise. I cannot stand a girl who is so frustrating and unable to come clean both to me and to herself.

 

[Austizzle]

Get her in your bed, fvck her. Then forget about it! SHE IS NOT GIRLFRIEND MATERIAL. ONS ONLY.

I know it's hard to believe man, but you have to trust me! This is coming from experience. She may seem like she is so perfect, but you have to stop and look at the whole picture again. She was playing with you, playing with your heart. What kind of girl plays with a man's heart? A nexted girl.

 

[Dust 2 Dust]

This girl is so full of crap I wanted to bust out laughing when I read the part about her being in love with some other guy. Girls who are in love are 100% faithful and wouldn't even consider going out with another guy let alone make out with him!!

Here's my additional take. Her and this guy got into a fight. You came in at just the right time and got a makeout session with her while she may have been angry at him (classic BBS behavior). Then after your first date with her she and her boyfriend made up which is the reason she was being cold to you on the second and third date.

Her E-mail means nothing, unfortunately. Chicks with High IL don't send Emails. If she truly wanted you then she would have picked up the phone and called you. DId she recommend the two of you hanging out in her E-mail? NO. I also recommend no further communications with her via e-mail.

 

[jayneumann]

Roger that. Lesson well learned. Thanks for all your help, guys.