Funny Stories/Anecdotes

[Penguinplayer]

It seems that many of us freeze up in convos when we get into the game and start talking to HBs.

I always feel it's great to use a funny stories, or even a couple throughout the conversation to relax the bird your with. This will ease the situation slightly and make you look like a funny guy (something most of us need to improve on, and still are).

The key here when armed with your funny story is to make it relevant! I'm going to attach my own personal anecdote (see, i'm a nice guy), but bear in mind its related to travel and Africa, so if one of these topics comes in, be primmed and ready to use it.

The other thing is confidence. Nothing sucks worse than a crap joke or a story where you go on and on and on. Make it to the point, or put suspence in the story. Make it interesting.

Don't go on about the time you tried to find your dog, and then name all the places you looked in the neighbourhood, only to find out your mother had taken it for a walk. Make the story slightly outrageous. If need be practise the story in front of a mirror. Its something comedians do, it will be good for detecting pauses for effect, where to put on the cheeky smile, etc.

Now here's one I heard from my sister's friend, about one of his father's aquaintances. Now automatically I will change this to a story about my great uncle and aunt, or something similar, to make it more personal.

My great uncle and aunt once went to Africa, they went to Rhodesia for a retirement holiday thing, they were about 70. (Now add a bit of blurb about what they thought,/ did (i.e safaari), MAKE IT TWO LINES)

Now they were staying at this particular resort in Kwala Nat Urdu, in the south, going on safaari, my great uncle was apparently 'quite the shot'.

Now one night my great uncle was at the bar, and my great aunt decided to retire to bed. She was apparently quite the battle axe, a very large and commading woman and quite forward. A rather strong character. I once heard a slight rumour that she could guzzle 15 half pints of beer and only be a tad bit pissed. Now she had turned off all the lights of the bungalow she was staying in and got it to bed. About a half hour later a local rhodesian boy came in through the window and started to go through her personal effects to see what he could steal. Now she was arosed by the commotion and turned over to see if it was Harold. The boy/ teenager sensing this, turned and saw she was awake, and suddenly whisphered, 'If you turn the lights on or scream I'll rape you then slit your throat'.

My great Aunt paused for a second, jumped out of the bed, threw the lights on and said 'That the best deal I've heard in 30 years!'

Now the thing here is its very interchangeable. You make it happen in India, or Argentina. It can be about your great aunt, even mother, or a friend.

Now its time for you guys to post your funny stories. but two rule you must adhere to.

1. You must use good english and make the story legible. Go over what you've written and make sure you've make no great mistakes, left words out, and that it makes sense.

2. The story you've told/heard must have been tested. I don't care if its fictious, it must have made people laugh. The best stories I've found are ones told at things like family get togethers with family friends, or dinner parties.

Stories differ quite a lot, mine is rather old fashioned, but if its made a lot of people laugh then its fine. But if its too digusting or 'graphic', then leave it for the boys!
Help everyone out by posting a story you thing will help them in a convo (or at a party for that matter)! Come on lets her them!

 

[AngelusPUA]

I always use a story, always the same one I love it. Whenever I see the conversation has taken a turn to something boring i come out with this gem.....

This was during the marijuana drought of '02’. I still had a connection. Which was insane, 'cause you couldn't get weed any *****ng where back then. Anyway, I had a connection with this hippie chick up near my place. All my friends knew it. And they'd give me a call and say, "Hey, Levi, you buying some, you think you could buy me some too?" They knew I smoked, so they'd ask me to buy a little for them when I was buying. But it got to be every time I bought some weed, I was buying for four or five different people. Finally I said, "Fu*k this ****." I'm making this b*tch rich. She didn't have to do jack sh*t, she never even had to meet these people. I was f*ckin doing all the work. So I got together with her and told her, "Hey, I'm sick of this ****. I'm coming through for everybody, and nobody's coming through for me. So, either I'm going to tell all my friends to find their own source, or you give me a bunch of weed, I'll sell it to them, give you the money, minus ten percent, and I get my pot for free."

So, I did it for awhile...but then that got to be a pain in the ass. People called me on the phone all the *****n time. I couldn't rent a *****n DVD without six phone calls interrupting me. "Hey, Levi, when's the next time you're getting some?" "Mother****er, I'm trying to watch ‘Pulp Fiction’-- when I have some, I'll let you know." And then these degenrate pot heads come by--there my friends and everything, but still. I got all my **** laid out in sixty dollar bags. Well, they don't want sixty dollars worth. They want ten
dollars worth. Breaking it up is a major f*ckin pain in the ass. I don't even know how much ten dollars worth is. "Well, ****, man, I don't want that much around. If I have that much around I'll smoke it." "Hey, if you guys can't control your smokin, that's not my problem. You mother*ckers been smoking for
five years, be an adult about it." Finally I just told my connection, count me out. But as it turns out, I'm the best guy she had, and she depended a lot on my business. But I was still sick to death of it. And she's trying to talk me into not quitin. Now this was a very weird situation, 'cause I don't know if you remember back in '86, there was a major fu*kin drought. Nobody had anything. People were living on resin and smokin the wood in their pipes for months. And this chick had a bunch, and was beggin me to sell it. So I told her I wasn't gonna be Joe the Pot Man anymore. But I would take a little bit and sell it to my close, close, close friends. She agreed to that, and said we'd keep the same arrangement as before, ten percent and free pot for me, as long as I helped her out that weekend. She had a brick of weed
she was sellin, and she didn't want to go to the buy alone. Her brother usually goes with her, but he's in jail unexpectedly. She doesn't want to walk around alone with all that weed. Well, I don't wanna do
this, I have a bad feeling about it, but she keeps askin me, keeps askin me, finally I said okay 'cause I'm sick of listening to it. Well, we're picking this guy up at the train station. So we get to the train station, and we're waitin for the guy. Now I'm carrying the weed in one of those carry-on bags, and I gotta take a
piss. So I tell the connection I'll be right back, I'm goin' to the little boys room.

So I walk into the men's room, and who's standing there? six police officers and a German Shepherd. They were just a bunch of cops hangin out in the men's room, talkin. When I walked through the
door they all stopped what they were talking about and looked at me. The German Shepherd starts
barkin'. He's barkin' at me. I mean it's obvious he's barkin' at me. Every nerve ending, all of my
senses, the blood in my veins, everything I has was screaming, "Take off, man, just take off, get the **** outta there!" Panic hit me like a bucket of water. First there was the shock of it--BAM,
right in the face! Then I'm just standin there drenched in panic. And all those cops are lookin
at me and they know. They can smell it. As sure as that f*ckin dog can, they can smell it on me. So I just walk into the toilet, I take a piss the dogs still barking its going nuts the cops telling it to shutup I walk out of the toilet go to the sink wash my hands the dog is barking more trying to jump at me. Everything went in slow motion, the cops are staring at me like I was some half naked chick, the dog is trying to jump on top of me. I turn around and start to walk out and then “Hey” I turn around “you’re sunglasses” I turn around and I see my sunglasses lying on the counter. I grab them and walk out……

 

[Fuglydude]

Wow you guys have some intense and involved stories happening!!! Mine are more stupid than funny, and a lot shorter and less intense...well here's a few:

Story 1: The tush story:

So I'm off the hospital for pre-clinical to do my patient research. I'm on a crowded city bus during rush hour, slightly anxious at how much work I have to get done that night and the fact that I have to be on the unit at 0655 for report the following morning. The bus is packed, and I'm standing in the middle of the bus with my scrubs on just minding my own business. I have my back to these two girls probably 19-20 years old at the most.

Suddenly I hear this "excuse me"...so I turn around...I'm like "ya?"... One of the girls is like "you have a really nice tush"... I was like "I'm sorry?" ...she's like "You have a really nice bum." ... So my brain immediately starts analyzing the situation and how random it was: Having my ass complimented on a crowded city bus by a random teenage girl...so instead of finding something witty to say ... I was like "uhhhhh uhhhhh ummmmm uhhhh... thanx...?" ... she's like "Just had to let you know." ... In retrospect who compliments guys asses that overtly on a crowded public bus just outta the blue!??!? I personally love random funny things like that, so I find that story funny!

Story 2: Lap dance story

I'm an exotic dancer part time but I'm still VERY new (only done 5 shows)...for my 3rd show we were at a bar in Edmonton, Canada, and whatever, I went out did my thing. After your set you're expected to help with the running of the show and sell raffle tickets, etc. Plus you might as well have your top off to give the women some eye candy to look at. So whatever, I'm working and this one spanish girl comes upto me and she's like..."can my friend take you home?" ... I'm like "I don't do one-nighters, but I'll give her my number."

So after the show is done we still have a few minutes to eat up, so we end up doing a reverse lap dance contest...basically instead of you giving girls a lap dance we recruit volunteers from the audience and they give you a lap dance. The winner is determined by whoever got the most crowd response. So whatever, I'm the guy who gets the lap dances (yeah, I know my job is VERY hard!) ...haha, and the girl that wanted to take me home just goes OFF on me...like she went nuts, grinding on me all over, face in my crotch, etc...if she was more attractive I would have been genuwinely aroused! So whatever, she easily won the contest, and after the show I went outside with these two other chics and smoked a big fat joint and got quite baked.

I came back in and at this point I'm just baked, and jus waitin to get paid so I can leave. The girl that gave me the lap dance and her crew approach me at this point and ask me if I wanna "party" with em that night...my brain immediately starts thinking "hmm....you may potentialy be able to engineer a 3some w/ these dirty spanish girls"...haha, but I was too baked and that woulda been too intense. So I don't show too much interest. At this point I make a comment about how few guys there are in the bar relative to the number of women...one of the spanish girls is like "Its cause you're scaring them away with your 6-pack baby." ... I was like...wow...did you just stay that?!?! To this date, thats' still the cheesiest line that I've ever been hit with!!!

Story 3: Subway story.

Me and three of my buddies went out one night and we had to make sure that we got outta the bar before 1am to catch the last train back home. Of course we get plastered and totally miss the train. One of my buddies is like...guys, lets call a cab and we'll split. We're like NOOOOO!!!! We'll save the money and buy beer!!! (Keep in mind all of us here have multiple university degrees, and one of my buddies got into med school after only 2 years of undegrad which is quite the acheivement in North American academics)...just goes to show you guys in groups under the influence of alcohol tend to have lower IQs ...

Anyways, so we start walking home...Its about a 3 hour walk from the bar to our respective houses, we all generaly live in the same neighborhood. We decide to walk along the train tracks (well we actually walked ON the train tracks) because this would be the fastest way to get home. We come to a point where the tracks begin to descend into the ground, and we're about to go into the tunnel, but a car pulls up and the dudes' like "u can't go down there!" ...so we're like...ok... and start walking by the fence thats' lining the descending tracks. Our drunkest buddy's like "I dunno bout u guys but I'm jumping in!"...and he does. Keep in mind that the tracks are descending and the fence lining the descending tunnel is about 8-10 feet high...So we all jump in, and overall its around a 20 foot drop from the top of the fence to the train tracks below. I kinda had to throw myself over because I was too scared, and in the process ended up getting my gut and hand sliced by an exposed metal barb at the top of the fence. I bled so much all over the guys that we didn't even know who was bleeding! I still have the scars to prove it to this day...and this happened like close to 5 years ago! Anyways, we get home and i actually make it to work the next day...I was so sore it hurt to breath!

Moral of the story...TAKE A CAB!!!