Friend wants to get engaged after 6 months of dating

[Boilermaker]

Why would I want to buy into a contract with a used car, with no CarFax, when I could buy a brand NEW car that's never been taken off the lot?.

This is a weak if not dishonest analogy to say the least. It assumes that women are not damaged until they are taken (or married) by men; and an unmarried woman is a brand-new merchandise with low probability of errors?

Dating or marrying someone before (for a woman) is a very poor predictor of how she will behave in the future considering that the divorce rate (in the North American continent) is more than 50% and the median age of marriage is around 26. This analogy makes half the women above that age "bad for business" which makes no sense, unless the objective is to date younger women, per se.

These days, probably the only reliable information the qualifier "divorced woman" gives away is the woman's age, since in order for her to be divorced, she needs to have passed the median age of marriage on average.

 

[speed dawg]

I'd just like to add a take from my experience with a divorced woman:

DON'T DO IT.

I always had reservations about that. And in retrospect there were red flags as early as date 3 or 4. I know that every case is a little different and some people divorce for legitimate reasons (adultery, addictions, etc), but I just look at it like this:

Why would I want to buy into a contract with a used car, with no CarFax, when I could buy a brand NEW car that's never been taken off the lot?

You're only getting a heavily biased version of the story when you date a divorcee. Not to mention the known statistical likelihood of failed second marriages. Marrying a divorcee also screams of lack of options. I mean I think it's a bit different when you yourself are divorced, with kids, and say a bit older (~50's) but for a young guy at 30.....so dumb. He's about to sign a contract that could bend him over royally if it doesn't work out, all for a another man's used goods.

Don't know if I would agree with that. I think the tipping point for me is when they have kids, not necessarily just a divorce. But I'd for d*mn sure research her history, and f*ck her for at least 2 years before I even think about marriage.

 

[Colossus]

...and an unmarried woman is a brand-new merchandise with low probability of errors?

Actually yes. Lower might be a more apt word. SImilar to women with 1 or zero partners: http://socialpathology.blogspot.com/2010/09/sexual-partner-divorce-risk.html

Dating or marrying someone before (for a woman) is a very poor predictor of how she will behave in the future considering...

Lol ok. Let us know how that system works out.

These days, probably the only reliable information the qualifier "divorced woman" gives away is the woman's age, since in order for her to be divorced, she needs to have passed the median age of marriage on average.

Once again, let us know how that pans out. Being divorced in itself is reliable prognostic information, but it has to be taken into context. All other variables being equal, why wouldn't you choose a never-married woman?


Also speed dawg, this is just my personal tipping point. I had a different opinion a few years ago. It may not be the best approach for every DJ, but for a guy who wants to mitigate as many possible risks as he can, I think divorced women shouldn't be on the menu. Kids either.

 

[Boilermaker]

Also speed dawg, this is just my personal tipping point. I had a different opinion a few years ago. It may not be the best approach for every DJ, but for a guy who wants to mitigate as many possible risks as he can, I think divorced women shouldn't be on the menu. Kids either.

Not sure what you addressed in my argument. All I am saying is the factually verifiable observation: Considering 1 in 2 marriages fail in the US, there must be something larger than individual errors of women themselves that ends the marriage. Hence, writing off every women who has gone through that median age of marriage, namely 25.8, doesn't make much sense, simply on account of their divorces, because that'll put roughly half of the married population into the trash can.

But after seeing these , "my personal opinion" , " I think " , " not for everyone" qualifiers, I see where you are coming from. Just don't pretend to put a scientific spin with bankrupt analogies such as cars vs. women, it's not even wrong.

 

[expos]

I don't think divorce is necessarily a deal breaker. I think I'm just trying to warn the guy that he is in a SERIOUS relationship with a woman who hasn't even been officially divorced for 3 months when he met her.

If it was 3 years, I wouldn't really raise an eyebrow...but she's pushing for lifetime commitment and they've been together for 6 months?

As a friend and a divorced man myself...I just want to save him from this train wreck in the making...but he spends every minute with this girl and even works with her.

He'll just have to detonate this bomb and learn the hard way. Ugh.

 

[The_411]

I don't think divorce is necessarily a deal breaker. I think I'm just trying to warn the guy that he is in a SERIOUS relationship with a woman who hasn't even been officially divorced for 3 months when he met her.

If it was 3 years, I wouldn't really raise an eyebrow...but she's pushing for lifetime commitment and they've been together for 6 months?

As a friend and a divorced man myself...I just want to save him from this train wreck in the making...but he spends every minute with this girl and even works with her.

He'll just have to detonate this bomb and learn the hard way. Ugh.

Yeah there's no way this doesn't go south. Way too clingy and the work thing is like an accelerant.

There's not much you can do when someone gets locked in/or has wool pulled over their eyes.

A divorce should make any sane person want to avoid commitment for quite some time, not jump right back in after 3 months.

 

[expos]

Yeah there's no way this doesn't go south.

A divorce should make any sane person want to avoid commitment for quite some time, not jump right back in after 3 months.

I tend to agree. Like I said, he's Facebook friends with her family already (even her DAD!)...he's so thoroughly entrenched and I can only see this going very very bad.

I'm wondering if this chick is BPD?

 

[devilkingx2]

if I were you, I'd risk losing my friend to save him

there is no price too great for a life left unruined

make no mistake, if you let him do this, his life is ruined basically

but you're not going to let him do this, no, you'll do everything you can to stop him.

 

[Justin Time]

A friend of mine is going down the same path. I recommended he come here..but...it was no use. The only problem is..he was already engaged to this girl within a month of meeting her fresh out of a relationship. It's alright though, I give them a few more months together. I can tell she's already getting tired of the clown.

 

[expos]

if I were you, I'd risk losing my friend to save him

there is no price too great for a life left unruined

make no mistake, if you let him do this, his life is ruined basically

but you're not going to let him do this, no, you'll do everything you can to stop him.

NOT A CHANCE.

He's coming back into town in about two weeks and she's coming in tow...so I'll get a pretty good idea what she's like when we all hangout....but I sense there is NOTHING I CAN SAY at this point that would change anything.

Well, they've already met each others families. She's Facebook friends his Mom as well, his brother, his step dad (his parents divorced). Engagement is pretty much around the corner now! :crackup:

Do you want to make any predictions as to when he pops the big question?
Should I set aside a room for him at my loft when things implode?

I'm just shaking my head at the whole thing...she's not even a year out of her marriage!

 

[Zarky]

Frankly I think you've put more than enough time and energy into this guy's life already.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

its no use, the light shining from that golden vag!ina has made him blind.it's too late.

A good friend of mine was once "in love" with this girl. I knew it was a bad choice, our other mutual good friend knew it was a bad choice. Even his MOM knew it was a bad choice.

His mom, called my friend, and begged him to convince her son (our mutual friend) NOT to marry this girl.

This was before our bachelor party weekend in Vegas. The whole drive out, from LA, me and my friend tried to covertly and overtly convince him NOT to marry this girl.

Needless to say, he married her.

And about five years later (after he had increased his income by about five fold) he got divorced, and it cost him OVER a hundred grand, AND a house, just to make a clean break.

The good news, of course, is they didn't have any kids.


I don't think humans would have been able to populate this planet with such ferocity if vaginas didn't have some kind of hypnotic power over men's brains.

 

[Bible_Belt]

A friend of mine got married last summer, after dating the girl for about two weeks. They had known each other a long time beforehand. She's a stripper, has been for almost twenty years, and has four teenage kids. One of the kids was already pregnant, and I'm assuming has an infant now. The girl lives with her ex-husband, and my friend was living with his parents.

You want to know what I told him? "Congratulations, man, I'm happy for you." He is very happy with her, and that is more important than any judgment that I could cast at him. Judgment and friendship don't go together.

 

[corrector]

And about five years later (after he had increased his income by about five fold) he got divorced, and it cost him OVER a hundred grand, AND a house, just to make a clean break.

His income increased five fold after he got married?

 

[corrector]

Frankly I think you've put more than enough time and energy into this guy's life already.

If someone comes to you for advice then you give them your advice. Otherwise, it sounds like you are personally invested to see the relationship fail (i.e. sour grapes).

 

[corrector]

You want to know what I told him? "Congratulations, man, I'm happy for you." He is very happy with her, and that is more important than any judgment that I could cast at him. Judgment and friendship don't go together.

But isn't that the question. If you are not happy with your life, and you see someone who is happy in a relationship, then subconciously, people want to see that relationship fail.

The problem with the OP is that he just got burned with his ex-wife going with another guy in the same place he works at and they are planning to marry. So his experience he is subconciously trying to get back at his ex-wife by breaking up the relationship his friend has because he sees his ex-wife in the woman his friend is planning to marry and if he breaks it up, then he has one-up on his ex-wife in some way.

Suppose the marriage actually does work out and they both live happily ever after? It could be they are soul-mates that are meant to be together and the previous marriage was simply a mistake. Maybe they got married too yonge, or you know, as time goes on people change. The person you marry is never the same person you divorce.

Why would the OP be so invested if it wasn't to get back at his ex-wife seeing he can not break-up the relationship with his co-worker and his ex-wife, but if he can break-up the reationship with his friend then he has a small victory.

So, even if the advice is correct, you still have to see if there are other subconcious processes that are going on. The best appeal to someone on these matters is always a religious conviction, because apart from that, then people want love. If they don't experience it from God, then they want it from a woman, and if a woman is showing a guy real love and taking him on, and there is something special going on, then why be the kill-joy? Nobody can judge if a relationship will succeed or fail down the road.

A friend is someone who is there for a person, even if they know they will make a bad choice. In Bible_Belt's case, they ALREADY married, so he'll just be a kill-joy at this point. I wonder what he would have said BEFORE they got engaged if he came for him for advice.

 

[expos]

The problem with the OP is that he just got burned with his ex-wife going with another guy in the same place he works at and they are planning to marry. So his experience he is subconciously trying to get back at his ex-wife by breaking up the relationship his friend has because he sees his ex-wife in the woman his friend is planning to marry and if he breaks it up, then he has one-up on his ex-wife in some way.

This is simply not true...and that really isn't my story either. There are some similarities, however. He knew I was recently dating a divorced woman and knew what my ex ended up doing after we divorced, so he had a lot of questions. I didn't WANT to tell him of all the hellish stuff I went through because I would come off as bitter...I did that out of respect.

I don't wish unhappiness on people I care about, but I can't sugarcoat things either. What can I tell him? That marriage is all fun and pure bliss? He put me in a tough spot.

I have had many friends get married over the past several years and a few that went through divorces. In fact, I just had a friend call me a couple nights ago to tell me that his 8 year marriage had just ended and I spent two hours talking to the guy to get him to a better place before he went to sleep.

He called me because he knew what I went through - just like I consulted SS and old friends when my divorce was tough on me.

I just didn't know the best way to handle this. I wish him luck and I will be there for him regardless of what happens.

 

[The_411]

NOT A CHANCE.

He's coming back into town in about two weeks and she's coming in tow...so I'll get a pretty good idea what she's like when we all hangout....but I sense there is NOTHING I CAN SAY at this point that would change anything.

Well, they've already met each others families. She's Facebook friends his Mom as well, his brother, his step dad (his parents divorced). Engagement is pretty much around the corner now! :crackup:

Do you want to make any predictions as to when he pops the big question?
Should I set aside a room for him at my loft when things implode?

I'm just shaking my head at the whole thing...she's not even a year out of her marriage!

Personally, I'd read my friend the riot act, or I'd convince him persuasively that he's making a mistake.

 

[glass half full]

This is from experience. If this is to work, first one of them needs to find a different job. Soon. I know how nice it feels to work with a GF, but if they stay together in that work place, as mentioned before, it's a time bomb. I can't stress enough the importance of this!

Second, if they want a continuing healthy sex life, six months together is not a long enough test. A year would be better, if they can get away with it longer yet would be better. Bad women tend to peter out between six months and a year in the sex department.