Fear of oneitis makes me feel like a robot

[DJDamage]

I just came back from a date where this chick from my university invited me to go upstairs to her apartment and we had a heavy make out session. This DJ mentality is working alright! but prehaps it is working too well??

I just don't feel the urge anymore of being with those chicks on a LTR basis and if they were to leave me and walk away tomorrow, I don't think it will effect me one bit because I know I can get some more. The thing is I remember that when I had oneitis for the chick that brought me to this site, I was in such a euphoric state that it felt almost good like taking a drug that you know its bad for you but you do it anyway because of the mind altering effect.

I promised myself that I would never have oneitis ever again and maybe as a result I don't feel as close to the chicks I am with??!! Am I surpressing something that I shouldn't?? because right now it feels like I am going from "Meat Hole A" to "Meat Hole B" and I think I am faking my feelings towards them in order for them to sleep with me. It all seems too mechanical.

 

[realsmoothie]

Oneitis has good and bad forms, so I've learned.

If you get oneitis because some chick you kind of like is dissing you and your self-esteem goes down, that's bad.

If you get onetis because you want an LTR with a girl because she appears to be worth it... maybe it's just love.

Uh oh, I said the L word.

The good thing about being a DJ would appear to be that you not only get more "action" but you meet more girls... and thus have a better chance of finding someone you might want an LTR with.

I'm currently in a bit of a sketchy situation with a girl I've known for six weeks (it may be over), and I'm unhappy about it, but it's not nearly as bad as if I had some crush on a girl and never did anything about it.

 

[resilient]

I'd say to take it slow and not make it a rush to get into their pants. Let it be drawn out as a challenge, so they're the ones seducing you. I think the biggest mistake we rAFCs make is trying to get over the last one by getting in bed with a new one. It's chick logic like that that makes us fall hard with oneitis.

The easiest cure I have to keeping oneitis away is having a busy life outside of women - so much that I don't have time to go out on dates or worry about who's out with who and what she's doing.

Like skip said, keep it under control, before oneitis controls you bro.

 

[joekerr31]

you're turning in to patrick batman from american psycho

:crackup:

but seriously...

you know, i get knocked sometimes for being too philosophical and not just sticking to the basic DJ principles in my posts. thats ok. i feel the DJ principles have limitations. they are great for simply manipulating a woman. BUT, as human beings we are composed of a variety of complex issues that intermingle with all aspects of our lives.

in my opinion you can't just section off parts of your life (ie. dating) from other parts of your life.

you must ultimately adopt a philosophy that can be applied to all elements of your life.

what makes me successful in my career, in bodybuilding, with women, is the same thing. I don't have a different set of 'success principles' for each one.

and probably the primary aspect for all of them is the refusal to be afraid.

i know what you are talking about when you talk about the lack of euphoria when not in the oneitis frame of mind. what you've done is turned off your emotions to such an extent that you've become addicted to not NEEDING anyone.

this is actually a healthy step along the path to a greater state of awareness.

the next step is to realize that you have done this because fear was controlling you. you'd get oneitis, the girl would leave you, you would get hurt . to avoid being hurt you turned down / off your emotions. a chic starts acting messed up, no problem, NEXT. problem solved, no more fear of rejection, no more fear of when will she dump you, no more fear of being hurt - because you no longer care enough.

so the next step is to start turning UP the emotion a bit while still remembering that IF you get rejected, IF you get dumped, IF you get hurt - NO BIG DEAL - there are other fish in the sea and you WILL survive.

when you hit this stage you are now living a passionate, involved life which is also free of fear. you will be able to put yourself out there, give it everything you got and not be afraid of the outcome. this is when amazing things in life can happen.

but if you don't make it to this stage, then in essence you are becoming patrick bateman. you are simply turning off your emotions so as to always have hte upper hand in any given situation. there are lots of people in life like this - we typically call extreme cases sociopaths.

anyway, let yourself be passionate again. and this time around, unlike your past experiences, you will be in much more control, because IF someone takes advantage of that passion you will be able to turn it off and protect yourself.

you know how they say at the end of the journey you find yourself back at the beginning... well this is kind of the same thing. we start off innocent, the world kicks us in the nuts about 10,000 times, each time we learn, and ideally we return to innocence although this time we are equipped to defend that innocence.

good luck bud

 

[ElChoclo]

DJDamage, if you went without a meathole long enough, you would soon be more grateful about having access to one, rather than lamenting your inability to become permanently emotionally attached to one of those meatholes.

Do you think Hugh Heffner sits around in a nursing home sobbing because he can't see an LTR with one of his bunnies. Perhaps you could try not to fake your feelings. Just blurt out that you love them and can't live without them. Then see how many meatholes you actually get bestowed upon you.

 

[d9930380]

I think the problem with oneitus is two fold:

1. We get it even if the girl ISN'T right for us but we ignore the problems/signs and therefore get hurt when it all falls apart.

2. We come on too strong and therefore scare away girls that we are really interested in.

Both of these problems are basically the same, we start feeling too much too soon normally out of deparation. Neediness is the least attractive quality in a man. The solution is to simply chill the **** out until you realise that it's real for both of you and not try not to feel at all.

 

[gr8one]

I think the problem with oneitus is two fold:

1. We get it even if the girl ISN'T right for us but we ignore the problems/signs and therefore get hurt when it all falls apart.

2. We come on too strong and therefore scare away girls that we are really interested in.

Both of these problems are basically the same, we start feeling too much too soon normally out of deparation. Neediness is the least attractive quality in a man. The solution is to simply chill the **** out until you realise that it's real for both of you and not try not to feel at all.

Ahhhh Oneitis,... I've been guilty of it too.

 

[edger]

I think I am faking my feelings towards them in order for them to sleep with me. It all seems too mechanical.

What? Hasn't it always been preached here that it's supposed to be the other way around, where you're NOT supposed to show you have feelings for them if you want them to sleep with you? So, you're showing you have feelings for them, and as a result are getting them to sleep with you? I'm a little thrown off.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

What? Hasn't it always been preached here that it's supposed to be the other way around, where you're NOT supposed to show you have feelings for them if you want them to sleep with you? So, you're showing you have feelings for them, and as a result are getting them to sleep with you? I'm a little thrown off.

Good catch. That itself could be incongruent enough to throw thing off balance.

 

[DJDamage]

anyway, let yourself be passionate again. and this time around, unlike your past experiences, you will be in much more control, because IF someone takes advantage of that passion you will be able to turn it off and protect yourself.

Good advice. It sounds like what I need. I haven't had any passions latley, its all been work and school.

What? Hasn't it always been preached here that it's supposed to be the other way around, where you're NOT supposed to show you have feelings for them if you want them to sleep with you? So, you're showing you have feelings for them, and as a result are getting them to sleep with you? I'm a little thrown off.

Let me explain myself more clearly. When I meet with them all I am thinking about is getting to the good stuff (sex). But in order for me to get to the good stuff I feel as If I need to put on a smile, talk and laugh with them but in actuality all I am looking for is the sex. I can't enjoy the moment because in the back of my mind I am thinking "play it cool you are almost there, just kino her a little bit more, crack a joke or two, and just lay the kiss on her as soon as you give her strong sexual eye contact". I am thinking too much of technique rather then enjoying the moment and as a result I feel I really don't care for them and their company a whole lot unless I am going to get some.

When I had oneitis I actually cared for the girl and I really liked her having her around as much as possible and her company not sex was the priority. As you may have guessed it back then I got more of comany and little or no sex.

I do feel like a cold calculating hunter looking for sex but there seem to be the human element of bonding that is missing due to working on my game which result in the fact then I can get a girl to bed with as fast and as little time spend as possible.

I have rejected oneitis and did everything possible not to get it and as a result I might have rejected something else.

 

[lee36044]

I can't enjoy the moment because in the back of my mind I am thinking "play it cool you are almost there, just kino her a little bit more, crack a joke or two, and just lay the kiss on her as soon as you give her strong sexual eye contact". I am thinking too much of technique rather then enjoying the moment and as a result I feel I really don't care for them and their company a whole lot unless I am going to get some.

I think everyone who has a bad ONEitus experience goes thru this for some period of time! I call it the fvck em and leave em ... break THEIR hearts stage And the result for me has always been that the "meatholes" start to blend together and have no interesting differences whatsoever. The technique and mechanics become more important than what you feel because to feel anything is to risk being hurt again. Sounds a lot like what they call a player huh?

Sorry to have to lay it on you but the fact that you are being bothered by the lack of feeling means you are starting to realize that you are just masturbating with a partner right now. Being in that frame would be heaven for a player but hell for a DJ. Soon, sex for the sake of sex won't even be reason enough to make the effort. The mechanics of seduction will become boring. It sometimes gets so bad that you may not want anything to do with women for a while ... there seems to be no point. But it will pass if you let it.

I usually break out of it by abandoning the mechanics of seduction and only spending time with them if we have some common interest other than sex. I have to force myself to interact with them outside the frame of seduction! It usually lands me in the friend zone with the first few but the truth is that until you can feel friendly and start to care about the woman again instead of just the slippery hole ... you don't break out of the cycle and start having a healthy life again. Once you break the cycle ... the feelings do come back. But now you can control your response to them and not be trapped by the ONEitus again.

The biggest difference between being a player and a DJ in my opinion is that the player feels nothing but the nut, the DJ feels and cares about his needs and his partners but just refuses to be controlled by them. The first way is ... for lack of a better word ... sociopathic. The second way is simply "emotionally well adjusted".

Bottom line is that it takes time!