dis-respected by a 20 year-old in LTR, didn't look back and terminated.

[Boilermaker]

My 20-year old girlfriend, of 1 year, had recently taken up a summer job up in Alaska, and she was due to come back at the end of August.

We had not been living together but we had had a happy relationship where I used to forge her with the teachings and ways of Don Juan'ism, principles, mostly absorbed from our community.

She used to cook, fvck whenever I wished, constantly on, constantly begging and fighting for my attention, and very pleasant girl overall. She was sort of a butter-face but she compensated amply.

End of july, her calls started diminishing and she started to act strangely. She claimed her phone was broken, she had limited internet access and once a phone call a day became once an email a week.

Being the Senior Don Juan that I am, I called out on her and reacted. Very atypically, she didn't apologize or immediately correct her behavior.

It just so happens that my mom has been visiting me to help me move to a new apartment in a few weeks, and we even visited her grandma's because they have been inviting us.

I am at a stage in my life (doing phD) where I don't even have a real job, so marriage is not an option for me. So even though my mom and I were making this sort of official visits it was never my intention to start the marriage act. I was just being kind to them inviting us, really.

Anyway, after a few of extensive emails, it turns out she wants to be in a "limbo" and she wants time to "think" and she has nagging feelings about our future being uncertain yada yada yada.

I told her to come clean, apologize for her stupid behavior telling that this is not the time or the venue to discuss such things and then I could consider forigiving her if she made an effort.

Nothing of the sort. She persists in her idiotic proposal: Let's Just Be Friends, and talk about it when I come back. I declined, no-contact-NEXT'ed her with no intentions of going back ever.

Even if I would have considered marrying her in the first place, after such an irresponsible and heinous backstabbing (going away and breaking up with me while she's the one who left town?!)

I would never do it after such an act.


And in fact, I always thought I was getting rusty.

BTW, I arranged a super-hot medical intern coming from Boston to visit me in the next days after my mom leaves. She used to orbit so much around me, I think she deserves a decent chance now.

 

[Die Hard]

Nice to see that it doesn't get you down. Keep your head up, keep your back straight and just roll on!

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Wow...Boilermaker. I just recently did a show on the EXACT, unfortunate situation you just outlined. I covered it in this one I posted below:

http://victoryunlimitedshow.com/general/mission-32-objective-help-my-girlfriend-is-in-love-with-a-bad-boy-thug-criminal/

It's eerie just how identical your story is to that story-----or MILLIONS of other guys' stories of how some women go about the break up process.

On the show I did, I went into details about how when girls start giving out "mixed" signals, what they're REALLY saying is quite clear-----they aren't into us anymore. The good news is that you were very much aware and were not caught by surprise. There are plenty of guys RIGHT NOW going through some major psychological, emotional, financial trauma due to their inability to recognize the subtle changes within their relationships-----and then successfully bail out of the situation before they crashed and burned.

So good for you, bro'. Also, good that you have a nice little female distraction coming your way soon. The only two things I would say to you is:

Continue to be a little leery of chicks who are in the 20-year old age range, because they tend to be NATURALLY flaky more times than not. AND-----it's a good idea to avoid getting into long distance relationships with women-------and be very SLOW to get in too deep with women who you suspect may be so far away from you for MONTHS at a time.

The younger or flakier the chick, the less likely absence will make her heart grow fonder for you. Instead, it's MORE likely that her short attention span will cause her to devalue whatever commitment the two of you may have made.

V.U.

 

[Boilermaker]

Thank you for your support VU.

I can't say I wasn't shaken up; but I managed to land on my feet because of my training by veterans like you who have helped me learn so much along the way.

It was precisely my sensing the danger that saved me here. She was so disappointed to find out that I wasn't crying about it nor was I getting crazy over her deeds in Alaska.

I was polite and incredibly determined to cut it off once and for all. Of course, anyone who goes through such a process ( remember she and I had a committed relationship for more than a year now ) can't get out without taking a few hits, but notes like yours are very helping. I feel just fine, and I have graduated from another LTR with flying colors and other knowledge about "kids in the 20's range" under my belt.


I think my mistake was to get too involved with a flaky and not-so-normal chick, it wasn't the right idea or the thinking.

My weakness in my game seems to be the fact that I tend to get too serious with women that are in my life, and this eventually leads to secondary problems (they want to get married) or at other times, direct problems like this one here (flaky teenager).


I am lucky to have a nice chick who is into me, by virtue of her coming here.
It doesn't matter what they say, it's what they do (c.f RT: Medium Is the Message)

Anyway, this is probably a good turning point for me, and thanks for being with me here.

It's a strange feeling that you guys are always here, and you are the true friends while women that are closest to us are (more often than not) ill-intentioned and destructive in so many ways.

I feel great, as I've dodged a nasty bullet,

Thanks again Sosuave.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

End of july, her calls started diminishing and she started to act strangely. She claimed her phone was broken, she had limited internet access and once a phone call a day became once an email a week.

Being the Senior Don Juan that I am, I called out on her and reacted. Very atypically, she didn't apologize or immediately correct her behavior.

Anyway, after a few of extensive emails, it turns out she wants to be in a "limbo" and she wants time to "think" and she has nagging feelings about our future being uncertain yada yada yada.

I told her to come clean, apologize for her stupid behavior telling that this is not the time or the venue to discuss such things and then I could consider forigiving her if she made an effort.

Nothing of the sort. She persists in her idiotic proposal: Let's Just Be Friends, and talk about it when I come back. I declined, no-contact-NEXT'ed her with no intentions of going back ever.

She's young. She doesn't know how to communicate. She wanted to break up with you. She told you the only way she knew how. By calling less, behaving differently, and all that nonsense about being friends.

You should have seen it for what it was. Her asking for a breakup.

Think about it this way. Had she shown up on your front doorstep, looked you in the eye, and said:

"I know we've been going out for a while, but it's just not working for me anymore. I don't feel the same way. It's time we moved on."

What would a DJ have done? Argued with her? Begged her not to leave? Or simply said, OK, and moved on (or in your case, shift your focus to the intern)?

The thing is, she DID say that, but she did it in the only way she knew how to communicate. After all, she is a 20 y/o female. What'd you expect?

You were basically arguing with her inability to come clean, and expected her to apologize for her lack of communication skill. That'd be like expecting somebody to apologize for not being able to speak French.

You tried to meet her on the "surface structure" of her communication. That was a mistake, only because it caused you more grief that it should have.

You weren't disrespected at all. If she pretended everything was fine, and then slept around behind your back, that'd be one thing. But she didn't.

Your job as a DJ is to read her behavior and respond to it accordingly. Not to expect her to behave in way that you think is respectful to you.

There was NO disrespect. Just an inability to communicate directly. Read her behavior and respond with your behavior.

In almost every case of imagined disrespect, it's all in the mind of the receiver. There is rarely any overt disrespect. It's merely a lack of life skills and/or communication skills. Read the situation for what it is and move on.

That being said, you handled it better than most guys. Nice work.

BTW, I arranged a super-hot medical intern coming from Boston to visit me in the next days after my mom leaves. She used to orbit so much around me, I think she deserves a decent chance now.

This is how you should have responded at the get go, without any of the imagined drama.

Good luck with the intern.

 

[Boilermaker]

I partially disagree with that.

Firstly, it took me a few days, and four or five emails before I realized she was asking for a break-up. It wasn't an ongoing process, so I consider my reaction time adequate.

You are right that I didn't read it correctly in the beginning. Because I genuinely thought it was a sh!t test, and that's why I reacted as I always do when she cooks a sh!t test: Busted her balls and asked her to come clean. Only after she didn't, did I realize she was asking for a break-up. She had her break-up all right. No drama, really.

I also disagree that I wasn't disrespected. She didn't come forward and ask for a break-up. I would be totally fine, and moved on much more quickly. It was disrespectful that I had to push her, force her and coerce her into revealing her intentions, and even in the end, the message she yielded was so minute an amount, the average guy would have had trouble believing he is being dumped. I don't think being a 20-year old gives a pass to anyone to behave like this. You still have to be able to communicate beyond the level of a chimpanzee to get your wishes across.

On the other hand, from a philosophical point of view, I don't agree with the fact that forcing women to be accountable and direct in their ways of communication is lame/uncool or AFC. I think they do have a responsibility to display a certain level of social accountability, and after her extensive time and involvement with me, I deserved to know what she genuinely wanted, even on the "surface structure".

But you are right, the more I try to make this point, the more I will look like I am butt-hurt. I am basically not. I admit that it was a huge misread on my part initially. You see it clear as day, VU caught it in a glimpse as well. I just thought my hold on this girl was so tight that it couldn't happen to me.

Thanks for your note.

 

[MatureDJ]

I always presume that if my woman seems to be making it difficult to keep things going, that the relationship is on the rocks. I let her make the effort to keep us going - and if she asks why I feel that way, I simply say that it seems to me that I am just not that important to you. (IOW, if you really want to keep me, you better start making it seem like you do!)

 

[Greasy Pig]

Another sosuave success story.
We can all learn from how the OP handled this.
I wish I'd been more serious about learning from these forums when I went through an eerily similar situation with a 23-yo flaker late last year.
When she suggested we stop seeing each other, I agreed immediately but that just resulted in her wanting me back.
Stupidly, I bought her bullsht and hung in there while refusing to see all the red flags. Then it was revealed she was fvcking someone else while stringing me along.
I should've done what the OP did.
Great job.

 

[Boilermaker]

^
thanks.

It's amazing how smooth break-ups can be even under the worst circumstances. It's all in our head. It's all our choice how to react.

I will keep you all posted about what will happen with the intern. She arranged a ticket for August 9 - to Indianapolis.

Women who are interested are willing to do anything to get to you. It's amazing. I won't pay a dime and she will land on my feet.

Thanks again for all the support everyone

 

[Colossus]

Good job on pulling the plug preemptively.

The obvious (now) lesson you learned is not to get involved with chicks that young. At least not on a LTR-basis.

Personally my cutoff is around 25 (give or take a year), but my casual sex days are behind me now.


Also, for what it's worth, I dont think there was any patent disrespect on her part either. This is kind of one of those things that should have been obvious from the get-go. 20 year old girl, LONG distance relationship, communication breakdown (phone-->emails). Taiiyu had it correct and he wasnt slamming you at all---this is just a very young, immature girl communicating her insecurity and dwindling interest the only way she knew how.

Something I have learned is to not get too upset when women dont communicate what they are feeling to me directly. It's a lot like expecting a cat to bark. The medium (their behavior) IS the message.

 

[Boilermaker]

Good job on pulling the plug preemptively.

The obvious (now) lesson you learned is not to get involved with chicks that young. At least not on a LTR-basis.

Personally my cutoff is around 25 (give or take a year), but my casual sex days are behind me now.


Also, for what it's worth, I dont think there was any patent disrespect on her part either. This is kind of one of those things that should have been obvious from the get-go. 20 year old girl, LONG distance relationship, communication breakdown (phone-->emails). Taiiyu had it correct and he wasnt slamming you at all---this is just a very young, immature girl communicating her insecurity and dwindling interest the only way she knew how.

Something I have learned is to not get too upset when women dont communicate what they are feeling to me directly. It's a lot like expecting a cat to bark. The medium (their behavior) IS the message.

I agree and see it now. I think it took a long time before I could swallow it but it could be considered pre-emptive regardless. That was my take away message on this one.

It doesn't matter now. Nothing further.

 

[Desdinova]

End of july, her calls started diminishing and she started to act strangely.

Whenever a woman starts to 'act strangely', it's time to drop her. When her interests, hobbies, the people she hangs around with, and her behavior changes, she's likely got a new man in her sights.

She's likely got some temporary dude orbiting her. Don't be surprised if she tries to contact you when she returns.

 

[Boilermaker]

More than likely Des... I guessed that and pressed her for it, but she's been known to lie before, this woman.

She could try to contact me all she wants, but I have made up my mind to absolutely move on.

I think deep down I knew this had no future, and she made me a favor by making things so easy and guilt-free on my part.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear BoilerMaker,
I would imagine that Alaska is like our far North,where Men are very scarce......She got a lot of attention and has flown the coop....Ah well another lollypop finished...Next!

 

[Aristippus]

This is the simple message underlying every reply. If a woman acts like she's crazy about you, then she is. If she's pulling away, she's losing interest. People naturally move towards what they want and begin backing away from what they don't want.

Another common female trait. Women communicate indirectly. I was talking with a friend today who lives with his girlfriend. I said "I'm guessing she was the one that brought up you two living together.". He said "No. It was my idea. I asked her to move in.".

Then after I asked him a couple of questions, it turned out his girlfriend had been dropping hints like "It would be nice if we lived together.". I said "Yeah. Women rarely communicate directly. She would never come right out and ask you if she could move in.".

If you read a woman's behavior, you can usually tell if a relationship has cooled down. You can also tell when a woman really likes you. These behaviors are easy to spot. Why? Because you're looking for patterns of behavior. Not just one behavior. You can't live in the distant past. If the majority of her past and most recent behavior shows she's crazy about you, then she is. If the majority of her past and present behavior shows the relationship has cooled down, it has.

Here's an example. Let's say things seem like they've cooled down, but then one night you and the girlfriend have passionate sex. And then the next couple of days, again, she acts distant. Most guys act "confused". There's nothing confusing if you look at the overall pattern. One night of passionate sex doesn't negate the overall and prevailing behavior pattern.

Also, if a woman acts crazy about you most of the time and then does one thing that seems strange or batty or some other negative behavior, but then the rest of the time after that she's acting crazy about you, you simply notice the present, overall pattern of BEHAVIORS (Plural).

I think what happens is sometimes people want to live in the past when things were the way they wanted them to be, and they want to hang onto that past. Then when things start going downhill, they're in denial, and then they act "confused".

I'm only mentioning this because I bet the warning signs were there much earlier. Anyway, what matters is you moved on pretty quickly. Good job and hope you have fun with the next woman that comes along!

 

[slickone]

THIS happened to me recently

Here's an example. Let's say things seem like they've cooled down, but then one night you and the girlfriend have passionate sex. And then the next couple of days, again, she acts distant. Most guys act "confused". There's nothing confusing if you look at the overall pattern. One night of passionate sex doesn't negate the overall and prevailing behavior pattern.

Reading this was hard to swallow

Long story short one year HB7 pure FB. About a month ago she decides she wants to "date around"

I keep her as a casual FB but the sex goes down to a trickle

Last weekend we go to a concert and some other stuff

She is still seeing the new guy and screwing him

We have two great nights together and awesome sex

I go out of town last week

The texting is diminished, but I'm also doing NC


Until she gets this beta AFC orbiter rebound guy out of her system I will maintain NC


Planning on only responding to her if she is DTF

Thankfully, reaching the point (have plenty of plates and have been sexing 3 others) where even if she was spread eagle ready to rock

I'd not want it anymore



Great observation, bitter pill to swallow (even though I always treated her as a FB)



Appreciate everyone's posts