Did I screw up with former FB?

[NewToTheGame]

Trying to figure out if I screwed things up with a former FB. (fvck buddy) Sorry so long..

Background: late last year I banged a new co-worker for about six weeks. About 10 years younger. The most aloof girl I have ever met. The type of girl that (it seems like) you have to let initiate everything. Feels like anything I initiated just gave her power. Started as a fun thing, got a little more serious. We broke things off pretty mutually because neither wanted a serious thing with a co-worker.

She changed her mind twice within a week. First, she dropped the aloof attitude and told me she was crazy about me, and wanted to keep it going. Few days later she gave me the LJBF. Later I found out that an ex had come back into the picture. No surprise.

I could tell she was still attracted/interested in me. She booty-called me occasionally, flirted with me constantly, and was always telling co-workers how great I was and how she missed me. I stayed pretty aloof myself, didn't bang her, and only flirted back a small fraction. One time she told me that any girl would be lucky to have me, she thought she might have made a mistake, and that she wondered what might have been. She was still with the BF, so I downplayed it and changed the subject. I did have oneitis for a while. Mostly got over it through other women, including one that turned into a relationship. I knew things had to change before I'd bang her again.

All of sudden, they did. I found a better job, she broke with up the BF and he moved across the country. My own GF broke up with me. This girl started contacting me again soon after. Went to the beach and had lunch. She started to get super flirty with me, but we had to cut it short as she had to go to work. Texted me a few nights later to hang, but I was busy.

Late last night she called me wanting to have drinks. We met up, and she said that she is bored since her new FB got weird and her ex is gone. Everything was fun at first, but then we got pretty hammered (big mistake) and I started feeling nervous... like I was gonna screw something up. I got pretty quiet. At one point she was saying we had to drink quick cause the bar was closing. I told her I had plenty of booze at my place. She smile and joked that she "knew where this is going" kind of dismissively. Instead of saying she had a dirty mind, or anything clever, I just laughed and stayed quiet.

On the drive back, she grabbed my hand and started rubbing it on her t1ts. She said since we are both single, we are gonna be FB again. Said some nice things about me. I just laughed and said that sounded good. Got to her place. As soon as we walked inside, she said I couldn't stay, she had to get up early for work. Which I knew to be the case. I told her to give me a hug, and we made out briefly. She said I had to go, I asked for another hug (cringe) and she said she already gave me one, and laughed. I went home.

This morning I woke up with the feeling that I messed up. I texted her saying I had a brutal hangover, and she responded quickly saying she did too.

When I read this over, it doesn't seem that bad. But my memory of last night is spotty and its bothering me. Instead of being the fun, confident guy I usually am, I became intimidated. How much she picked up on it, I don't know. When I started the night, I was still thinking about my ex-GF, but now I'm thinking about this one instead. Weird. A FB is all she'll ever be, but I have given her power in my own mind and I don't like that. I realize that thinking about banging her again for so long has made me fear failure.

What I'm trying to figure out is if I should text her something like "sorry got a little too wasted last night" or just sit back and wait for her to contact me. The latter seems like the right thing to do, but the former is tempting. Because I feel like I'm close to having a very convenient FB (she lives 1 mile away) and I might have screwed it up. Any advice or thoughts appreciated.

 

[jjacob]

Why would you apologize? Apologize for having a lapse in your game?
She was ****ing with you, having you rub her tits then telling you to go home. At least she responded quickly but undoubtedly she's thinking she has the upper hand. She led you to her place, even let you come in, only to say you should leave? Honestly if she did that to me I would be incredibly tempted to just sit on the couch and say, "Oh yea sure that's why you led me all the way here and let me in right?" Sounds like a test to see how much bull**** you'll put up with, really. You sure as hell aren't going to secure her as a FB by dancing to her tune so shake her up a bit by not contacting her or blatantly put as little effort as possible in seeing her again.

I'd probably just hail mary an obvious "I'm going to bang you" situation like her coming over to your place and leave it at that. Just avoid making it look like you're desperate for sex and more like this is your offer for how things are going down, take it or leave it. Might be hard to pull of though, given how that night went. Risky with girls you just started seeing but she was already a FB for crissakes, no need to go backwards. But that's just me.

 

[TheCWord]

Your post almost seems to be written by two people. Your story actually makes it seem like you're really in control of your emotions. This girl's been up and down, hot and cold, for what sounds like months - it'd be very easy to catch oneitis over her and, while you said you did for a bit, it sounds to me like you didn't let yourself go down that road.

Then at the end of your post you ask if you should text her to apologize, which does not sound like the same guy who had his sh-t together for the better part of this tale. I guess the guy who's wondering if he should text her is the same guy who asked for those hugs

Listen, in my opinion, you're worrying about something you've created in your head. You know you weren't acting like the in-control alpha that you usually are, so you start to think that she noticed that, was repulsed by it, etc. That's more than likely just your imagination. Even if it's not, texting her to apologize would only compound the problem.

You're not going to bring it up. She's going to contact you. You guys are going to bang. And all will be right in the world for you, Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

 

[WoodB]

Your problem, DJ, is that this woman has you by your merry wiener and she knows it. In fact, you know it too. Do not jump aboard; she will shipwreck you. You seem to be too enamoured by her charm and quim to simply roger her and next her should she turn too difficult. I suspect she will be quite hot in the sack and that is exactly what will bring you to grief. If you are the type who is able to "mount and run", go ahead and play the game, but I think you will regret it.

 

[WoodB]

Then again, when I was your age, I did just that...drop trou and proceed.

 

[NewToTheGame]

Thanks for the responses, you guys are all correct. At the end of the day, no matter how cool I played it with this girl, I had oneitis (and now i have it again). So when push comes to shove I'm not being my best self. Its been built up in my mind to a point where just going for the lay seems like a crucial endeavor instead of the fun, who-cares event that it should be.

For what its worth, here's how I screwed this up.

She called me the next night wanting to have a drink. I was tired and didn't feel like drinking.

Called me today wanting to watch a movie. Went over, chilled for a bit, started giving her a massage. She was into it. Then I figured, since we were friends, we could talk about what she said about being **** buddies.

Said she was drunk when she said that and didn't remember. Probably true. But said she wasn't surprised she said that; she was single and "if it happens it happens."

I told her I was cool with that, and that I wanted her to know I wasn't after anything serious. She got sh1tty with me at this point, and said the only reason she contacted me was because she was bored and "beggars can be choosers."

I called her out on this being a sh1tty thing to say. She said I was taking it the wrong way and it was just something she said randomly.

I thought, fvck it, and pinned her against the wall and kissed her. She wouldn't make out with me, and said "thanks for that". At this point I said my goodbyes and left. She was completely aloof.

First person I told this story to said that she was pissed because I said I didn't want anything serious. I think its likely she knows she has me when she wants me, and sees me as having no value.

At the end of the day this is a really screwed up chick. She likes guys that are violent and a$$holes. I'm not a nice guy, but not a jerk either. My problem is, for months now I have envisioned banging this girl again as some kind of grand validation for my ego. And therefore I didn't have the "who cares" attitude that I needed.

I just have to chalk this up as a learning experience I guess. When I found SoSuave and the DJ bible two years ago, I hadn't been laid in 3 years. Since then I've banged 20 girls. But I still fall prey to the ones that play hot and cold so effortlessly because of how screwed up they are.

To be honest, it is embarrassing to post this, but I appreciated your responses and wanted to give this pathetic update, lol. I have enough respect for myself not to contact her again. Its hard because I know I could have banged her again. But its ridiculous that it was so important to me. Time to work on myself and move on from this train wreck.

Any (deserved) criticism appreciated.

 

[Greasy Pig]

I'm impressed by your attitude OP.
Just charge this one to the game and go on your merry way.
This chick is playing you like a big marlin. Even if she reels you all the way to the boat, she's still going to cut you free and tell all her friends about how awesome she is.
Don't be that guy. This is an obvious power play (rubbing tiyts, making out, flirty talk and all topped off with LMR and "oh! I was just drunk and talking random shyt!")
She just wants to know you're still hooked and able to be controlled.
Spit that hook mate and swim into the deep blue.

 

[NewToTheGame]

Thanks GP, I appreciate you saying that.

Still feeling lousy about it, but although I could have handled it better, at least I did some things right. Instead of waiting around, I went for what I wanted. And I told her I didn't want anything serious.

But you are exactly right about this being a power play by her. We actually had become pretty good friends when we were both in other relationships. And I thought we could have a mature conversation about things.

I also thought that she wanted to hook up, and that she might have been worried I wanted more than that. Was trying to set her at ease. Instead she went into full b1tch mode.

So, if I know there's no relationship potential, and if we can't even discuss being FB's, then I don't know what the point is with her anymore except to keep beating my head against a wall over-analyzing everything.

 

[iamnobody]

I started feeling nervous... like I was gonna screw something up.

^ this is where it started to go wrong. A self-fulfilling prophecy. Whenever you catch yourself feeling like that, put on the brakes and change your mindset.

She manipulated you sexually only to make sure you are still hooked.

 

[NewToTheGame]

Well, here it is, the painfully hilarious ending to this story. I hope.

I'm not even posting this asking for advice anymore. This is more so others who might read this can learn what NOT to do.

Ended up texting her apologizing for talking about being FB's. I said that we were good friends and should stay that way. I don't know, I was trying to flip the script or something. Also, she knows that I have fvcked strippers, etc, and been pretty wild in my sex life. She has told one mutual friend that she saw that as a red flag.

So I started thinking that maybe she really wanted something serious with me, and I blew it by either by talking about being FB's, or just talking about it (instead of trying to fvck her) or both.

She ended up calling me, told me it was all good, no big deal. And that we should just be friends.

I ended up seeing her a few days later, kind of a business meeting. Hard to explain. But she had some documents I needed to pick up. She was friendly, polite, but cold at the same time. Again, hard to explain, but I know her, and its no surprise really. For the immediate future, in her eyes, I'm done. And if I have any sense, I should have been done awhile ago.

Anyway-- that was the ending. Here are the lessons I think are important, especially for myself, but possibly for others.

1. When a girl chooses ANYONE over you, for ANY reason, you are done. No matter how hard she flirts, calls for sex, etc. She had you and threw you away! As a man of value, you say to yourself that this girl is either crazy or just incompatible. Or somehow you screwed it up and lost the frame. If she CRAWLS back, and begs for another chance, then you might have something. Otherwise, you are just playing into her frame.

1a. This isn't something to overanalyze or feel bad about! In my case this girl chose a guy who *abused* her in the past. Some girls get off on that. Not on getting their azz kicked, but on the emotional highs and lows of that type of relationship. It gets them invested usually because it reminds them subconsciously of seeking the approval of their fvcked up parents.

2. When you lose the power, it is so difficult to get it back. Instead of seeing this girl for who she was and being dismissive of her, it became some kind of sick ego-quest for me to bang her again. It became so important, that when I actually had the opportunity, I acted like a little b1tch instead of the cool guy that I am. And in the process made her pvssy out to be gold-plated.

3. Maybe the most important, and the one I'm still figuring out. ACCEPT DEFEAT. Hey, you tried. Maybe you banged. Maybe you dated. In a relationship. But it just DIDN'T WORK. If you have some value, and are improving even slightly, a sane, compatible girl will stick around. If she doesn't, she is NOT sane, or NOT compatible. You will move on, you WILL find someone else.

This is still hard for me. Obviously, or I wouldn't be posting here. The maddening part is feeling the pain of rejection of someone that you always knew it wouldn't work out with. Someone that you knew wasn't good enough, or compatible enough for you. Yet it still hurts. You still feel like it should have been up to YOU to reject her.

Thank you to everyone for the feedback. I don't feel great sharing this story, but sometimes you gotta admit defeat and move on as a better person.