MikeYikes122
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- May 16, 2003
- Messages
- 839
- Reaction score
- 30
Last spring, one of my buddies from high school committed suicide. He and I had grown apart in the years since we graduated from high school, but it still hurt me immensely to hear about the news and attend the funeral/wake.
Throughout my life, I've been extremely good at dealing with death. I've never lost anyone really close to me, but I have had a lot of extended family members pass on, like grandparents and aunts and uncles, but that type of loss has never really bothered me to the point of tears. Last spring, however, was my first experience with a suicide, and the loss of my friend was like no pain I have ever experienced before. The thought of him being in such a bad way that he felt the need to poison himself and take his own life was something that hurt me more than I can explain on an Internet message board. He and I hadn't even talked in years, but it still tore a hole in my soul to look at his dead body and think about the times he and I spent together carpooling in grade school and playing roller hockey in his driveway after middle school basketball practice. We weren't extremely good buddies in high school, but we were members of the same clique, and I considered him a friend whom I called or hung out with regularly on the weekends.
Throughout college, I'd come back to my hometown for holidays, and I'd see him out and about or working out at our gym or something like that. We'd always exchange pleasantries, and I'd ask how his family was doing. He'd do the same. But I never went so far as to exchange phone numbers with him or ask him if he'd be interested in hanging out during the weekends. The fact that I never tried to rekindle our friendship really bothers me because I now realize he was in great need of a friend. I always liked him a lot and thought he was a good guy, but I didn't take the time to hang out with him after high school because I was too caught up in petty things, like dumb girls and fake friends who would go on to betray me years later. I realize hindsight is always 20/20, but I feel horribly for never making an effort to sit down with him and reminisce about old times. I was wasting my time with less-important things that shouldn't have mattered at all, when I should have instead detected that I had a friend who was in need. All the writing was on the wall. He was the odd man out of our group from high school, and I had even speculated during college that he might be going through some hardship. That said, his death took a tremendous toll on me emotionally and mentally because I felt like I should have seen the warning signs.
Earlier tonight, a kid who lives in my apartment complex committed suicide. I saw all the cop cars outside, the ambulance and the stretcher they carried the guy out on, and it made all the old emotions from my friend's suicide feel brand new again. I didn't know the kid in my complex who killed himself, but it was like reliving an old experience all over again.
It's 5:30 in the morning, and my thoughts have kept me from sleeping all night. I think guilty is the wrong word for how I feel. I don't feel guilty. I feel extremely sad and distraught again all over again.
Has anyone dealt with suicide before, and in what ways did you come to terms with it? My mom suggested that I write a letter to his family, and it is something I'm considering. I'm only hesitant because I don't want to bring up any bad memories for him family. I have a feeling they are dealing with emotions and feelings much greater than what I am experiencing.
Throughout my life, I've been extremely good at dealing with death. I've never lost anyone really close to me, but I have had a lot of extended family members pass on, like grandparents and aunts and uncles, but that type of loss has never really bothered me to the point of tears. Last spring, however, was my first experience with a suicide, and the loss of my friend was like no pain I have ever experienced before. The thought of him being in such a bad way that he felt the need to poison himself and take his own life was something that hurt me more than I can explain on an Internet message board. He and I hadn't even talked in years, but it still tore a hole in my soul to look at his dead body and think about the times he and I spent together carpooling in grade school and playing roller hockey in his driveway after middle school basketball practice. We weren't extremely good buddies in high school, but we were members of the same clique, and I considered him a friend whom I called or hung out with regularly on the weekends.
Throughout college, I'd come back to my hometown for holidays, and I'd see him out and about or working out at our gym or something like that. We'd always exchange pleasantries, and I'd ask how his family was doing. He'd do the same. But I never went so far as to exchange phone numbers with him or ask him if he'd be interested in hanging out during the weekends. The fact that I never tried to rekindle our friendship really bothers me because I now realize he was in great need of a friend. I always liked him a lot and thought he was a good guy, but I didn't take the time to hang out with him after high school because I was too caught up in petty things, like dumb girls and fake friends who would go on to betray me years later. I realize hindsight is always 20/20, but I feel horribly for never making an effort to sit down with him and reminisce about old times. I was wasting my time with less-important things that shouldn't have mattered at all, when I should have instead detected that I had a friend who was in need. All the writing was on the wall. He was the odd man out of our group from high school, and I had even speculated during college that he might be going through some hardship. That said, his death took a tremendous toll on me emotionally and mentally because I felt like I should have seen the warning signs.
Earlier tonight, a kid who lives in my apartment complex committed suicide. I saw all the cop cars outside, the ambulance and the stretcher they carried the guy out on, and it made all the old emotions from my friend's suicide feel brand new again. I didn't know the kid in my complex who killed himself, but it was like reliving an old experience all over again.
It's 5:30 in the morning, and my thoughts have kept me from sleeping all night. I think guilty is the wrong word for how I feel. I don't feel guilty. I feel extremely sad and distraught again all over again.
Has anyone dealt with suicide before, and in what ways did you come to terms with it? My mom suggested that I write a letter to his family, and it is something I'm considering. I'm only hesitant because I don't want to bring up any bad memories for him family. I have a feeling they are dealing with emotions and feelings much greater than what I am experiencing.
