casual AND exclusive?

[32swf]

Is it possible to have a casual exclusive relationship??

The guy I've been seeing doesn't want a serious committed relationship right now (because he wants to focus on getting in shape and working on his house). But he wants to date me, and not see anyone else, and he doesn't want me to see anyone else.
We both see potential in eachother as long term, but he's not ready for that yet.

He knows he's being selfish right now and just focusing on himself and he feels bad about it, because he knows I want more from him. So it's up to me.

Do I compromise and continue to see him and see what happens? Just "go with the flow" as he puts it. Or do I get out while I can and find someone who is ready for a real relationship?

he really seems to like me, and enjoys spending time with me, and commented on how we were so similiar and we get along, and tells me how cool and funny I am, and even offered to pick up my cat from the vets!! what gives??

He keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants, but I'm worried that he just doesn't want me. He said he wished he was "on the same page as I was". so do I give him time to catch up to me? or is he just leading me on and he'll never want to commit to me?

 

[thissucks003]

Let me ask you a question.

Do you actually follow the advice given to you in the other thread you created or are you looking for advice to justify what you already intended to do?

TS

 

[bman]

his interest level must not be that high. if he liked you more he wouldnt make those excuses. since you arent exclusive date some other guys and see if you can find better. dont hang out with him as much and cut your dates short while hes still having a lot of fun, you will leave him wanting more and it will raise his interest level. good luck let us know how it goes.

 

[Quick]

Your responsibility is to yourself only. He's right in focusing on himself. That's the exact same thing you should be doing. Do what makes you happy. If doing things on the terms he offers will satisfy you, then do so. If not, pursue happiness. Maybe he'll decide that he'd rather agree to your terms than lose you. If he doesn't decide that, then you weren't going to be happy with him anyway.

What do you mean by compromise and "going with the flow"? To me it sounds like, "You supress your desires and wishes and work on satisfying mine for the forseeable future in the vague hopes that at some indeterminate point in the future, I'll take the time to make a decision on what I want, which might or might not be what you want."

It doesn't matter that he has good points. Every single guy you meet has good points. If his totality doesn't satisfy your needs, then the good points are immaterial. Like there's no other guy you'll meet that you can talk to and laugh with and who will pick up your cat from the vet. I know it's hard to start over looking for someone else, but the fear that he's the last guy on Earth shouldn't be the only thing that stops you.

 

[32swf]

we're "exclusive" in the way that neither of us is seeing anyone else and don't want to. I did ask him if we should see other people and he said he didn't want to see anyone else and he didn't want me to.

I know I should focus on myself too, and I do. It's not like I have nothing else to do. I'm going camping/rafting with friends this weekend for 5 days. so it's not like I don't have a social life.

I just don't want to be impatient make a rash decision, and say "it's all or nothing" and then regret it later. He doesn't think that it's all or nothing. He says it's not that cut and dry.
I said I think that "you're either interested or you're not" and he doesn't agree. He wants to take it slow and see what develops. but I'm taking it like I want him more than he wants me, and i'm feeling rejected, and he says it's not rejection.

He does have a problem with being indecisive and is somewhat fatalistic. He thinks if things are meant to be than it'll just work out. I told him that he needs to put out a little effort if he wants something and he can't just leave it to chance because things will pass him by. I don't know what to do, because there is a lot of potential there, but I don't want to waste my time either, which I told him. So it's up to me to decide what I want to do. I have the choice, but he has all the power, which I hate.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Did you tell him for definite that you were not going to date other guys? (i.e. make a promise).

I think you should start to date others at this stage. He's flakey, and could be just using you without realising it himself.

Sounds like he's got you way down his list of priorities - agreed?


[edit]

Just read the other thread - listen to tamales, she's spot on with her advice.

[/edit]

 

[Sojourner]

32swf wrote "He wants to take it slow and see what develops..."

It sounds like your male friend is a commitment phobic type of dude. He's not in a "I am in a rush" mode. If you stick around, fine. If not, then that's fate.

You (32swf), on the hand, want an LTR with all the trimmings (exclusiveness, romance, sex, passion). To me, you two seem incongruent. You're absolutely frustrated with the situation. Find another dude who'll be more in tune with your long range goals.

 

[tamales]

okay...I posted on your earlier thread and all I can say is NEXT. Sure continue to see him and have FUN.. Not obsess but fun.. But you are CLEARLY looking for more and well, it has been my experience that when a man really wants you and likes you and sees you as LTR.. he will do NOTHING to let it slip away. I mean a man may be a Dj but when he has met his match or someone worth his time, he will not come up with excuses. The fact is I don't care what in the hell he has going on.. if he really liked you and wanted you then he wouldn't have reacted this way..

You are headed for heartbreak city my dear.. Trust me And he may not want you seeing others but trust me, he is keeping his OPTIONS open and taking you along for the ride.... I mean at 32 you should be a lot smarter than this... Maybe I have just been burned to many times..

SUre see him and go out but as I said earlier.. why not keep YOUR options open and get a life DOn't mean to be harsh but this guy has you played Big time!

Also, JMO tho, what a women says,, make sure you have to read into it.. Usually, it's the opposite of what we want.. But when a man tells you he is NOT AVAILABLE FOR A LTR or IS BUSY or whatever.. LISTEN.. Men tend to speak the truth and I would get my ass busy and move ON! Why would you want a man and be a chumpette hanging onto what he wants when it's clear it's not what you want.

Timing is everything.. Have fun but pull back. You are really overacting here.. It has only been two months Geez, even I aint that bad.. No hurt feelings. Just trying to help you see the light. I have been there. Trust me and it sucks when I realize.. I didn't respect myself enough.

 

[Howie Farkes]

Sounds like the kinda guy who could go on in this "casual" way indefinately - then he meets the woman of his dreams, dumps you, and gets married within 2 weeks.

How happy are you being part-time and exculsive? I agree with the others that you should become less available, never p!ss around waiting for things to get better. If he's unable to give you all that you want, maybe you can find it elsewhere and in the process he may (or may not - whatever) find out what you really mean to him and get off his ass and stop being flakey.

 

[32swf]

I screwed things up

I think I pushed him away for good. I basically told him that it was "all or nothing" which he wasn't happy with and I didn't really mean. He says why's it have to be like that. We both said we didn't want to stop seeing each other and we really enjoyed hanging out together and didn't want to see anyone else. ANd we both saw potential in each other. But I said I didn't think I could do the causal thing, and I thought that you either were interested in someone and wanted to pursue it or you weren't and he kept disagreeing, saying, "it's not always so cut and dry. Why can't we just wait and see what happens?"

He said he knew he wasn't giving me what I wanted right now, but that was all he could do right now... and it didn't mean he couldn't or wouldn't do more in the future, but right now he was doing what he could. So we left it with me deciding if I could deal with it being casual.

Then Monday I leave him a phone message apologizing for how I acted, and I didn't mean to push him. He emails me back (chicken ****) saying, don't apologize, you didn't do anything wrong. Take some time and don't read into this. Maybe we weren't meant to be more than we were.

So, this sounded abrupt and final to me, and I wanted to let him know that I WAS up for taking things slow and see where they went, but the idiot that I am, I get in the car and drive over to his house. He isn't pleased to see me at all, and was very defensive. and says I need space and this isn't healthy, and started spewing all this negative stuff like, we weren't meant to be and he knew it from the start, and I deserved to have someone who wanted me as much as I wanted him, blah blah, but that I was cool and funny and he was telling his friends how cool I was. etc.

So from Sunday to Monday he totally changed his tune. Sunday, he wanted me to "go with the flow and see what happens" and didn't want to stop seeing me and got upset when I mentioned seeing other people, and we had potential. Then Monday, he just wants to end things and says they weren't going anywhere in the first place.

what's going on?? Does he feel hurt and confused because I stupidly gave him an ultimatum and he felt like I wasn't accepting of what he had to give at the time and was pushing him into a corner and he got defensive and lashed out?? He was like a totally different person. Very stand-off-ish and distant, like he was protecting himself. I don't know what to think. Then he says I'll call you in a few days to see how you're doing!!!! If it's over, why's he gonna call???


AGH!!!!!!! I know I screwed up by pressuring him and I wish I could take it back, because I didn't mean "all or nothing"!!

 

[Quick]

Re: I screwed things up

Originally posted by 32swf


what's going on?? Does he feel hurt and confused because I stupidly gave him an ultimatum and he felt like I wasn't accepting of what he had to give at the time and was pushing him into a corner and he got defensive and lashed out?? He was like a totally different person. Very stand-off-ish and distant, like he was protecting himself. I don't know what to think. Then he says I'll call you in a few days to see how you're doing!!!! If it's over, why's he gonna call???


AGH!!!!!!! I know I screwed up by pressuring him and I wish I could take it back, because I didn't mean "all or nothing"!!

How old is he? And his longest relationship was a few months? Well I guess now we know why. You just need to realize that his method of hooking up with the opposite sex was incompatible with yours. He just wanted to hang out and not make any commitments, and you wanted to go places and labels and certainty. You beat yourself up because you didn't do things on his terms, but you did the things you did because you couldn't be happy the way things were going. You did what you had to do. If he was emotional about you, he didn't turn it off overnight, so you two might still end up together. If not, you have a better idea of what you need and can handle, and will use that information for your next relationship.

 

[Howie Farkes]

AGH!!!!!!! I know I screwed up by pressuring him and I wish I could take it back, because I didn't mean "all or nothing"!!

Didn't you? I mean you weren't happy with what he was giving you (a very casual relationship) so you tested to see how much he could give. Turns out it wasn't very much more. Now you're regretting losing what you had and even more the fantasy future you had in your mind with this guy. I don't think he ever would have become more serious with you if you'd agreed to stay casual.

 

[Shadow Dancer]

I agree with Tamale here. Leave him and forget it. As hard as it is, he IS playing you. Obviously you acted like a straight chump by going over his house, saying you were sorry (you had nothing to be sorry for), etc etc. If he actually CARED about you he wouldn't have reacted the way he did when you came over. If he was just confused and not ready to be "exclusive", yet cared about you, at least as a person, he would have been understanding when you came over. He still would have said "no" but he wouldn't have acted like an ass.

He IS playing you. Pretending that he's not is part of his game. He may not be seeing anyone else, but the reason he doesn't actually commit is to leave his options open should something better come along.

The more you grovel, the more he will play you. Now he's going to ignore you until he wants "something" and you KNOW what that will be. Going by your current actions, I'm sure you'll even take him back. He'll get tired and move on again. Eventually coming back for sex. You'll take him back, and on and on.

How do I know this? Because I have done this exact thing. You are describing EXACTLY what I have been through. Or to clarify, what I have put women through. Only you are describing it through the woman's point of view. I did this crap when i was younger so I know how it works.

Take Tamale's advice and put this behind you. Do what's right for YOU.


-Shadow

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by 32swf
Is it possible to have a casual exclusive relationship??

The guy I've been seeing doesn't want a serious committed relationship right now (because he wants to focus on getting in shape and working on his house). But he wants to date me, and not see anyone else, and he doesn't want me to see anyone else.
We both see potential in eachother as long term, but he's not ready for that yet.

He knows he's being selfish right now and just focusing on himself and he feels bad about it, because he knows I want more from him. So it's up to me.

Do I compromise and continue to see him and see what happens? Just "go with the flow" as he puts it. Or do I get out while I can and find someone who is ready for a real relationship?

he really seems to like me, and enjoys spending time with me, and commented on how we were so similiar and we get along, and tells me how cool and funny I am, and even offered to pick up my cat from the vets!! what gives??

He keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants, but I'm worried that he just doesn't want me. He said he wished he was "on the same page as I was". so do I give him time to catch up to me? or is he just leading me on and he'll never want to commit to me?

I think you're asking the wrong questions. You need to start by asking yourself why you are in such a rush to get into a serious long term relationship. Your post says that you see "potential" in each other. A serious long term relationship should come AFTER you know that you genuinely want to be with this person and they want to be with you...for the long haul.

Yes, you can be casual and exclusive at the same time. This is the kind of involvement I prefer because there is less pressure, it's easier to enjoy each other's company and it saves you the aggravation of someone's expectations not being met and turning into resentments.

If you are prepared to ditch a guy you really like and enjoy spending time with when he is willing to be exclusive just because he won't make a long term committment I'd guess that you're looking more for a sense of security than anything else. You need to find that within yourself...not through another person. Just my 2 cents.

 

[thissucks003]

AGH!!!!!!! I know I screwed up by pressuring him and I wish I could take it back, because I didn't mean "all or nothing"!!


If this whole relationship, and if you really want to call this a relationship, is one sided. It's not equal. You are and have been unhappy the way things were going because if you were really happy, you wouldn't be posting things about how upset you are the way things are. Face the reality. This guy isn't very mature and is not up to your level in the dating. You did the right thing. You shouldn't have to compromise what works for you and neither should he.

Move on and date others like I said for the 3rd time.

Good Luck,

TS