Can you provide comfort after being rejected?

[squidd277]

His guys,

I have a question for you can you provide comfort after you have been rejected or should you just wait for them to come back?

Situation

Slept with a girl ONS a year ago. Saw her a couple of times before lockdown before she moved away. She came back to my area and I met up with her again and during lockdown before xmas we were seeing each other 2 times a week for a month and a half. It was always a casual thing for me and her until she started asking for more during lockdown.

She asked on two separate occasions if I was sleeping with other people and telling me she isn’t and asking for more. I told her I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else because I was content but “don’t get your hopes up”. She also called me on the phone drunk with all her flat mates on loud speaker saying we had been seeing each other for a year and I had to tell her it had only been two months (friends probably aren’t on my side).

During xmas I was with family and so was she. She sent me loads of messages and I would return them but I did ask her quite a few times when would she be returning so we could meet. We arranged to meet but before me and her came back to the same area we both stopped speaking for 5 days. She hit me up on insta when she was back and I asked her if she wanted to meet up and didn’t get a reply then I text and called her (I was drunk) asking if she wanted to come round tonight as had mates round but didn’t get a text back till the morning. I phoned her again but she didn’t get back to me till the following day with a call.

Her - I don’t see you as someone I want a relationship with after lockdown I don’t know about you? (She completely did a 180 on me)
Me – I don’t know I’m not sure. Do you want to see me again?
Her – I do want to see you again just once a month as it was too intense before. I don’t want to hurt you
Me – You don’t have to worry about me. I wanted to see you this week as I had the week off work so I can’t hide that I’m disappointed but you have obviously made your mind up (we had arranged to meet)
(casual chat)
Her – I’ll see you around.

Haven’t spoked for 3 weeks but she did say happy birthday a week ago and I replied with thank you

It feels to me that I didn’t have enough comfort with her so is protecting herself but can I bring it back by trying to build comfort now and get her friends on my side i.e. send a cheeky V – Day card. Or do I just need to wait it out until she comes back and then build comfort then?

Thanks guys

 

[Lookatu]

She's a plate that broke so learn to seek out others and spin more plates. Why waste energy and get stressed over one plate? Get out of the scarcity mindset.

It doesn't sound like you want anything serious with her. Only put forth the effort and energy on the worthwhile girls you are aiming for a LTR.

 

[squidd277]

Thanks for the reply Lookatu. I have two other plates at the moment but i am really thinking twice about her at the moment as she's probably the girl i get on with most from the last year. I feel i let something good go and that i could have actually got into a relationship with her.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

Spin the wheel dude.

 

[Lookatu]

Thanks for the reply Lookatu. I have two other plates at the moment but i am really thinking twice about her at the moment as she's probably the girl i get on with most from the last year. I feel i let something good go and that i could have actually got into a relationship with her.

Live and learn. Next time, don't be afraid to promote or demote plates accordingly depending on how you get on with them the most. Learn to open your eyes more and be more fluid depending on the situation. Plates need to feel special too. LOL

Just remember, getting into their pants is only the entry point. They require maintenance afterwards if you want to keep it going. Lot of guys can get entry but often neglects the maintenance. And that's where plates start falling.

 

[Bigpapa]

Most likely she auto rejected , meaning that she rejected you because she thought that you will reject her , so she decided to protect her ego

it is nothing wrong in being more warm towards a girl if you like her , just like @Lookatu mentioned . If you like her , be warm , if you do not , then you do not

what is key though , is for you to be true to yourself .

Right now most likely you feel bad because you liked her more than you want to admit , and since you were not true to yourself , you feel like you could have done more , and maybe she would not have left

if you want to try to selvage the situation , you can try to be warmer towards her , but not overdoing it . Along the line , hey , let”s grab a coffee together and then have a walk through the park

it is nothing wrong being warm to a woman , even though if she is just a plate . A great seducer makes a woman feel special , in the sense that she feels that she is valued by you as a person

 

[squidd277]

Thanks guys some solid advice. So i take it a cheeky valentines day card is overdoing it then Bigpapa?

 

[Bigpapa]

Thanks guys some solid advice. So i take it a cheeky valentines day card is overdoing it then Bigpapa?

Yes

but you can hit her up today , and just tell her to come for a walk through the park , while grabbing a coffee or something

sending her a valentines card it is too much for now ...

You have to go with something less of a big deal

 

[squidd277]

Yes

but you can hit her up today , and just tell her to come for a walk through the park , while grabbing a coffee or something

sending her a valentines card it is too much for now ...

You have to go with something less of a big deal

I sent her a message on Friday which was basically this. It was read on the day but no reply. This is really odd for me as i can't imagine any of my ex's or old flings just ghosting me. Not even just wanting to be friends so it still feels like she is trying to protect herself. She also said she wanted to see me again just not all the time. I'm baffled but not much i can do now.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Well, since no one else here is going to say it (or thought of it) I will.

Like others have said above, you need to be warm (giving her a reason to be invested) but you also need to be firm.

"look, let's end the charade. If I got to know you, I might end up liking you. I admit it. But, no self-respecting man is going sit around and play the waiting game. Give me at least three days notice and we'll work on a plan or let's forget this and move on to other things."

If she was invested (beyond FWB) then the above text-message isn't going to kill it. You'll get a positive response.

If she wasn't invested enough, then the above text-message will let you know and you can focus your attention elsewhere.

 

[deadmasterx]

She asked on two separate occasions if I was sleeping with other people and telling me she isn’t and asking for more. I told her I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else because I was content but “don’t get your hopes up”.

Could have been a sweet thing to say, but in such occasion it sounds like you have nothing going on. It's kind of a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose other women are attracted too. If you have nothing else going on, means you'll be focusing on her, which increases the chance of you becoming needy, clingy and doing things that will turn her off. You could have said playfully "I don't kiss and tell", keep the mystery going on. It can sound like a ****ed up thing to say, but women like to fight with other women for a man, because that's a proof of his high value.

She hit me up on insta when she was back and I asked her if she wanted to meet up and didn’t get a reply then I text and called her (I was drunk) asking if she wanted to come round tonight as had mates round but didn’t get a text back till the morning. I phoned her again but she didn’t get back to me till the following day with a call.

Not the best way to set up a date. When doing it, you must be firm and sound in a way like "are you joining me?" instead of "are you coming with me so I can go too?". Best way to set dates is through calls, because you can see or hear how excited she's gonna be about it. Next time try something along the lines "When are you free to meet up this week?", then she's gonna say a day, "Alright, so I'll be going to this place at this day and time, let's meet up there", or if you're passing to catch her in her house, you can make a surprise by saying "I'll be passing in your house at this time then, see you there", and done. Nothing more to say, once the date is settled.

Don't fall for the trick of "calling before going to confirm".

You're a man, so if you said you're going to be there, you will be there. It's ideal that you don't even talk to her (unless she reach out to you) after setting a date, so you'll be excited about meeting up with each other, she will miss you and will have lots of things to talk with you.

She hit me up on insta when she was back and I asked her if she wanted to meet up and didn’t get a reply then I text and called her (I was drunk) asking if she wanted to come round tonight as had mates round but didn’t get a text back till the morning. I phoned her again but she didn’t get back to me till the following day with a call.

Another big mistake, calling her over and over again. You write her once, and you call her once. You don't do it again, double calling or double texting, unless she reach out to you. When you do something like that, you're communicating to her that you're needy and that you got nothing better going on. As you probably already saw, it was a big turnoff for her.

Her – I do want to see you again just once a month as it was too intense before. I don’t want to hurt you

Translation: you're way more into me than I am into you, I feel that you're rushing things and I feel that you're taking my freedom away with your neediness. I want you to back off.

It feels to me that I didn’t have enough comfort with her so is protecting herself but can I bring it back by trying to build comfort now and get her friends on my side i.e. send a cheeky V – Day card. Or do I just need to wait it out until she comes back and then build comfort then?

The best thing you can do is keep on with your life not expecting her to get back. If she does, don't try to build something through your phone, overtexting or being on calls for hours and hours long. If she reach out to you, you can give a bit of a chit chat, ask how she's doing and, if you feel like, "Hey, it's nice hearing from you again but I gotta go now. When are you free to meet up this week?" then set up a date with her. If she's not that into, good, then you'll have more time for yourself.

 

[RickTheToad]

His guys,

I have a question for you can you provide comfort after you have been rejected or should you just wait for them to come back?

Situation

Slept with a girl ONS a year ago. Saw her a couple of times before lockdown before she moved away. She came back to my area and I met up with her again and during lockdown before xmas we were seeing each other 2 times a week for a month and a half. It was always a casual thing for me and her until she started asking for more during lockdown.

She asked on two separate occasions if I was sleeping with other people and telling me she isn’t and asking for more. I told her I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else because I was content but “don’t get your hopes up”. She also called me on the phone drunk with all her flat mates on loud speaker saying we had been seeing each other for a year and I had to tell her it had only been two months (friends probably aren’t on my side).

During xmas I was with family and so was she. She sent me loads of messages and I would return them but I did ask her quite a few times when would she be returning so we could meet. We arranged to meet but before me and her came back to the same area we both stopped speaking for 5 days. She hit me up on insta when she was back and I asked her if she wanted to meet up and didn’t get a reply then I text and called her (I was drunk) asking if she wanted to come round tonight as had mates round but didn’t get a text back till the morning. I phoned her again but she didn’t get back to me till the following day with a call.

Her - I don’t see you as someone I want a relationship with after lockdown I don’t know about you? (She completely did a 180 on me)
Me – I don’t know I’m not sure. Do you want to see me again?
Her – I do want to see you again just once a month as it was too intense before. I don’t want to hurt you
Me – You don’t have to worry about me. I wanted to see you this week as I had the week off work so I can’t hide that I’m disappointed but you have obviously made your mind up (we had arranged to meet)
(casual chat)
Her – I’ll see you around.

Haven’t spoked for 3 weeks but she did say happy birthday a week ago and I replied with thank you

It feels to me that I didn’t have enough comfort with her so is protecting herself but can I bring it back by trying to build comfort now and get her friends on my side i.e. send a cheeky V – Day card. Or do I just need to wait it out until she comes back and then build comfort then?

Thanks guys

You need to stop caring so much and spin other plates, do other s hit. The more you chase, the farther you push her away. Once you have multiple tadpoles running after you, you'll understand because you'll be spoiled for choice.

Stiffen up the upper lip dude.

 

[Mazer]

Thanks guys some solid advice. So i take it a cheeky valentines day card is overdoing it then Bigpapa?

Do not send her a card or any other gifts. What you can do is give her the gift of your time and attention.

 

[squidd277]

Well, since no one else here is going to say it (or thought of it) I will.

Like others have said above, you need to be warm (giving her a reason to be invested) but you also need to be firm.

"look, let's end the charade. If I got to know you, I might end up liking you. I admit it. But, no self-respecting man is going sit around and play the waiting game. Give me at least three days notice and we'll work on a plan or let's forget this and move on to other things."

If she was invested (beyond FWB) then the above text-message isn't going to kill it. You'll get a positive response.

If she wasn't invested enough, then the above text-message will let you know and you can focus your attention elsewhere.

Cool, i think this is a good idea. I'll ping her something similar next week and just leave it after that. At least i will know how to move forward then. Just stunned she hasn't replied yet, seems like she is playing games. Any ways got other plates i'm spinning so all good till lockdown is over if not.