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Boundaries and women with guy friends, what's the deal?

A

AJ84

Guest
And as you saw I said there would be exceptions with women who had kids with an ex, but still boundaries. Though as you also saw, most of the men, the vast majority on here would not be OK with your male friend that you were intimate with and that you clearly stated would be an option in the future. He is a back up option just like we are saying...this. is. what. women. do.

I'd really like to see a woman that would be OK with me to go on a trip to see a female friend and stay with her at her place (separate rooms). The vast majority would NOT be OK with that....yet we are expected to allow similar. One recent ex (who was aware I had a gf that lived with me) had male friends that were CLEAR problems in our relationship. The difference between me being with someone and me not wanting her to hang out with her male friends is that SHE KNEW I LIVED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN AND WAS OK WITH IT, SHE SAID SHE DIDN'T CARE (THOUGH I THINK SHE REALLY DID, SHE SHOWED HER JEALOUSY PERIODICALLY) BUT I WAS NOT OK WITH HER MALE FRIENDS. SHE ACCEPTED THE BOUNDARIES BUT COULDN'T KEEP THEM. SHE CHOSE TO ALLOW ME TO HAVE ANOTHER WOMAN BUT NOT HAVE MALE FRIENDS....
Dude, when you have a mistress who has accepted being your mistress, she owes you NOTHING. And that’s one of the reasons why some women are fine with being mistresses, they don’t have to operate under your frame and you have no ground to oppose that, none what so ever. She can f**k who she wants, hang with who she wants and basically not have to consider you at all if she chooses not to, because there is zero incentive for her to do otherwise and she has nothing to lose.

If you are going to continue to have these side pieces it’s best you accept the reality of what you can or can’t expect from them. You’re running relationship game on side piece game and it’s giving you a headache.

I don’t advocate cheating, but if your going to do it then accept it for what it is and don’t expect much.
 

BeExcellent

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@jnMissouri its like this. The friend and business associate and decades ago old flame of mine is neither an orbiter nor a back up plan. There is still a respect and affection between us. But the respect is what rules. He himself is twice divorced, until recently was in a highly social proofed position running a prestigious venue in Las Vegas and he routinely dates women half his age, and has done for years. He doesn’t respect said women, he plays them, plates them and etc. He enjoys that lifestyle but it has its disadvantages. It isn’t meaningful and he tosses them when the girls start thinking they can work him through sex. His first wife was a Penthouse centerfold. He knows the game cold.

So this isn’t some beta orbiter.

We both believe loyalty is owed to the relationship partner and behave in a supportive way. On occasion we have counseled one another about relationship matters. Not in a self serving way but because we have a respect and transparency between us such that we can offer insights that nobody else can. That has value. And those conversations are infrequent.

There is a maturity at play here. Deep respect. It is atypical which is my point. He’s not an orbiter and neither am I. We are friends. Real friends. When we were both married to other people we occasionally would double date and that was always nice. I like seeing my friend happy. My ex respects and likes him, always has and never felt threatened by the friendship. Not once in 20 years. Even now my ex husband has offered to assist him in his new venture in the service industry. There is complete transparency, complete respect, and no secrets. There also is no questionable behavior going on (no going away together, no clandestine conversations, no expecting the relationship partner to put up with anything that might be seen as disrespectful to the relationship. Nothing.). That is very different than what you are describing, which is why I am pointing it out.

It comes down to character. Of both parties. Someone who has character will do the right thing, the respectful thing. Someone who doesn’t, won’t.

Opportunities are everywhere. Colleagues, social contacts, people you meet & will never see again. Don’t be so naive as to think male “friends” are the issue (although I agree a woman who harbors a cotierie of male friends is suspect.). Hot women have opportunity literally everywhere. Character is what determines what someone does, because the test of character always comes when there is no way for the other person to find out.

You do not do the right thing regarding your live-in girlfriend when she won’t be the wiser. Therefore in my estimation you lack character. Don’t expect different behavior from the women you play. Water always seeks its own level. If a big character disparity exists, the relationship will eventually fail. It’s simply a matter of time & recognition.

Cheers
 

jnMissouri

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@jnMissouri its like this. The friend and business associate and decades ago old flame of mine is neither an orbiter nor a back up plan. There is still a respect and affection between us. But the respect is what rules. He himself is twice divorced, until recently was in a highly social proofed position running a prestigious venue in Las Vegas and he routinely dates women half his age, and has done for years. He doesn’t respect said women, he plays them, plates them and etc. He enjoys that lifestyle but it has its disadvantages. It isn’t meaningful and he tosses them when the girls start thinking they can work him through sex. His first wife was a Penthouse centerfold. He knows the game cold.

So this isn’t some beta orbiter.

We both believe loyalty is owed to the relationship partner and behave in a supportive way. On occasion we have counseled one another about relationship matters. Not in a self serving way but because we have a respect and transparency between us such that we can offer insights that nobody else can. That has value. And those conversations are infrequent.

There is a maturity at play here. Deep respect. It is atypical which is my point. He’s not an orbiter and neither am I. We are friends. Real friends. When we were both married to other people we occasionally would double date and that was always nice. I like seeing my friend happy. My ex respects and likes him, always has and never felt threatened by the friendship. Not once in 20 years. Even now my ex husband has offered to assist him in his new venture in the service industry. There is complete transparency, complete respect, and no secrets. There also is no questionable behavior going on (no going away together, no clandestine conversations, no expecting the relationship partner to put up with anything that might be seen as disrespectful to the relationship. Nothing.). That is very different than what you are describing, which is why I am pointing it out.

It comes down to character. Of both parties. Someone who has character will do the right thing, the respectful thing. Someone who doesn’t, won’t.

Opportunities are everywhere. Colleagues, social contacts, people you meet & will never see again. Don’t be so naive as to think male “friends” are the issue (although I agree a woman who harbors a cotierie of male friends is suspect.). Hot women have opportunity literally everywhere. Character is what determines what someone does, because the test of character always comes when there is no way for the other person to find out.

You do not do the right thing regarding your live-in girlfriend when she won’t be the wiser. Therefore in my estimation you lack character. Don’t expect different behavior from the women you play. Water always seeks its own level. If a big character disparity exists, the relationship will eventually fail. It’s simply a matter of time & recognition.

Cheers

You have a point that hot women have opportunity everywhere, BUT...having male friends/orbiters is additional risk. It's like saying a lot of things could kill you, a disease, a freak whatever, random violence, so why wear a seat belt...It's about risk reduction but yeah, you are right opportunity is everywhere...but as you've seen most of us on here are against the male friends thing including some heavy hitting posters on here.

Character wise, no. I have good character in general. Live in had an affair when she was married, got knocked up. I believe a tiger doesn't change it's stripes. I didn't want a relationship, she did. And I didn't stray for years. I tried to end things and date, but she wouldn't leave. I tried for years to get her to leave. So I ended up doing this. She suspects it and stays. Tells me all the time she knows.

And last but not least, I'm not married....I heard a female radio host on a love line tell a woman that technically until that ring was on her finger she was single...despite having a bf...encouraging her to try her other option she was interested in if she REALLY wanted to that bad.

I will say talking with you is a pleasure, your posts are well reasoned out, articulate and relevant. You do provide some insight and a different perspective that makes me consider angles I didn't before. Thank you...
 
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