Atom Smasher
Master Don Juan
It's difficult to help you in this specific case because you didn't reveal what exactly you said (I'm sure it's a little painful to recount it), so it's hard to get a handle on your specific issues.
But as for me, I started trying to live strategically in all that I do. I noticed that when I got enraged with someone that they owned me in totality. I was aware that they had power over me (because they were affecting me) and that would enrage me further.
At the heart of all of that is the feeling that one is helpless to do anything about the situation. You feel that all you can do is strike out to relieve the pressure. Expressed unbridled rage is the sign of a man who feels helpless. There is no shame in that, because we all must go through learning to deal with this.
Back to living strategically... Now when someone offends me deeply, I've trained myself to step back emotionally and halt the mistaken knee-jerk feeling that there is nothing I can do except to strike out in the here and now. I've already mentioned the down-side to that.
Instead, I use my patented imaginary ruler technique, which is to imagine a ruler or thermometer floating in the air, with my rage taking up 100%. I immediately switch the level to 50%, thereby preserving my righteous anger and yet leaving the other 50% of the ruler (which represents my reaction) to strategically think about my response in a rational way. This imaginary ruler occurs virtually instantaneously; it's not a long thought.
So now I have a picture in my mind of turning 100%, total rage into justifiable anger and the room to respond appropriately.
My response might happen a few seconds later (measured and calibrated properly) or it might happen weeks later (in cases where I must punish the person and train them to never screw with me again).
Strategic and tactical leveraging of anger is far more effective than uncontrolled outbusts. It works for me because I end up not making a fool of myself, not regretting my over-reaction, not loathing myself for lacking self-control, and on the plus side, feeling that I have options and a measure of control about the situation.
Notice that I am not saying that anger is wrong. There is nothing wrong with feeling anger or rage when people abuse you or blatantly disrespect you. BUt a show of fireworks dazzles the observer for a minute and then they escape, shutting you down as a nut with no self-control. On the other hand, there is nothing more fearsome and terrifying than punishment meted out in a controlled, dispassionate fashion. This is how women need to be dealt with. They have no way to understand direct, emotional correction. They will turn the issue from what they did into your own behavior every time.
Strong and wise is the man who decides to walk the path of self-control in the arena of anger. I believe that you are on that path, FS, because you have come to your peers for advice and you seem to accept it.
Just like we should never punish our children out of rage (in order to avoid damaging them and eroding our relationship with them), we must avoid striking out at others as a gut reaction. It only damages our own reputation and our own self-respect and brings about regret. Strategic thinking is a powerful ally and a terrifying, effective weapon. Strategic responses to problem people will train and correct them. Lashing out will usually cause damage in extremely unpredictable ways.
I have much respect for you for dealing with this isse. You're going to be just fine in this arena as you start to calibrate your responses by thinking strategically. Always take a mental step back, visualize the ruler, see that you have room for options, and act accordingly. Sometimes your reaction will be much less than you would have done normally because your emotions have calmed down (this will happen most of the time), and other times you will rationally understand that this person needs to feel some pain for what they've done. But in those cases when you administer the pain, it will be a controlled, surgical strike that accomplishes your purpose. That is a feeling of real gratification, far better and long-lasting then the temporary and usually very messy relief of the blown gasket.
But as for me, I started trying to live strategically in all that I do. I noticed that when I got enraged with someone that they owned me in totality. I was aware that they had power over me (because they were affecting me) and that would enrage me further.
At the heart of all of that is the feeling that one is helpless to do anything about the situation. You feel that all you can do is strike out to relieve the pressure. Expressed unbridled rage is the sign of a man who feels helpless. There is no shame in that, because we all must go through learning to deal with this.
Back to living strategically... Now when someone offends me deeply, I've trained myself to step back emotionally and halt the mistaken knee-jerk feeling that there is nothing I can do except to strike out in the here and now. I've already mentioned the down-side to that.
Instead, I use my patented imaginary ruler technique, which is to imagine a ruler or thermometer floating in the air, with my rage taking up 100%. I immediately switch the level to 50%, thereby preserving my righteous anger and yet leaving the other 50% of the ruler (which represents my reaction) to strategically think about my response in a rational way. This imaginary ruler occurs virtually instantaneously; it's not a long thought.
So now I have a picture in my mind of turning 100%, total rage into justifiable anger and the room to respond appropriately.
My response might happen a few seconds later (measured and calibrated properly) or it might happen weeks later (in cases where I must punish the person and train them to never screw with me again).
Strategic and tactical leveraging of anger is far more effective than uncontrolled outbusts. It works for me because I end up not making a fool of myself, not regretting my over-reaction, not loathing myself for lacking self-control, and on the plus side, feeling that I have options and a measure of control about the situation.
Notice that I am not saying that anger is wrong. There is nothing wrong with feeling anger or rage when people abuse you or blatantly disrespect you. BUt a show of fireworks dazzles the observer for a minute and then they escape, shutting you down as a nut with no self-control. On the other hand, there is nothing more fearsome and terrifying than punishment meted out in a controlled, dispassionate fashion. This is how women need to be dealt with. They have no way to understand direct, emotional correction. They will turn the issue from what they did into your own behavior every time.
Strong and wise is the man who decides to walk the path of self-control in the arena of anger. I believe that you are on that path, FS, because you have come to your peers for advice and you seem to accept it.
Just like we should never punish our children out of rage (in order to avoid damaging them and eroding our relationship with them), we must avoid striking out at others as a gut reaction. It only damages our own reputation and our own self-respect and brings about regret. Strategic thinking is a powerful ally and a terrifying, effective weapon. Strategic responses to problem people will train and correct them. Lashing out will usually cause damage in extremely unpredictable ways.
I have much respect for you for dealing with this isse. You're going to be just fine in this arena as you start to calibrate your responses by thinking strategically. Always take a mental step back, visualize the ruler, see that you have room for options, and act accordingly. Sometimes your reaction will be much less than you would have done normally because your emotions have calmed down (this will happen most of the time), and other times you will rationally understand that this person needs to feel some pain for what they've done. But in those cases when you administer the pain, it will be a controlled, surgical strike that accomplishes your purpose. That is a feeling of real gratification, far better and long-lasting then the temporary and usually very messy relief of the blown gasket.
