Advice needed - Just broke off my LTR

[popsickle]

Hi guys,

So this time I'm the one that initiated the dumping and it didn't really feel any better than being on the other side to be honest.
We met in college and have been doing (very) long distance for a year now, and took 4 really nice trips during that year. The main rationale for the breakup was that we are starting jobs in far away cities and it's kind of a no-end-in-sight type of deal.
The problem is that none of us wants to break up other than for these logistical reasons, and I think that's what hurts. One consideration is also that I have a demanding job and not so much time to dedicate to her. People keep telling me I'm young and should be experiencing life, etc but I've come to realize this is a pile of BS and I should just be doing what feels right. And now I realize that being with her feels right. I feel like I could have done more, as technically there would be avenues for us to be in the same place after a bit more long distance, but I also didn't want to bear the responsibility of her moving for me at first.

Could someone that has been in that kind of situation tell me how it played out eventually? What are your views on being in an LTR with a quality woman in your early 20s? Can you ever actually get back together, given that it's not a traditional breakup?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Hi guys,

So this time I'm the one that initiated the dumping and it didn't really feel any better than being on the other side to be honest.
We met in college and have been doing (very) long distance for a year now, and took 4 really nice trips during that year. The main rationale for the breakup was that we are starting jobs in far away cities and it's kind of a no-end-in-sight type of deal.
The problem is that none of us wants to break up other than for these logistical reasons, and I think that's what hurts. One consideration is also that I have a demanding job and not so much time to dedicate to her. People keep telling me I'm young and should be experiencing life, etc but I've come to realize this is a pile of BS and I should just be doing what feels right. And now I realize that being with her feels right. I feel like I could have done more, as technically there would be avenues for us to be in the same place after a bit more long distance, but I also didn't want to bear the responsibility of her moving for me at first.

Could someone that has been in that kind of situation tell me how it played out eventually? What are your views on being in an LTR with a quality woman in your early 20s? Can you ever actually get back together, given that it's not a traditional breakup?

If you know you made a mistake then man up and admit it. With a recent breakup it's not a hard thing to get back if that's what you both want.

You dont' need to experience every life experience to have a full life, maybe you are the type who likes a companion.

 

[Reykhel]

Time to say goodbye and let go of invisible friends

Hi guys,

So this time I'm the one that initiated the dumping and it didn't really feel any better than being on the other side to be honest.
We met in college and have been doing (very) long distance for a year now, and took 4 really nice trips during that year. The main rationale for the breakup was that we are starting jobs in far away cities and it's kind of a no-end-in-sight type of deal.
The problem is that none of us wants to break up other than for these logistical reasons, and I think that's what hurts. One consideration is also that I have a demanding job and not so much time to dedicate to her. People keep telling me I'm young and should be experiencing life, etc but I've come to realize this is a pile of BS and I should just be doing what feels right. And now I realize that being with her feels right. I feel like I could have done more, as technically there would be avenues for us to be in the same place after a bit more long distance, but I also didn't want to bear the responsibility of her moving for me at first.

Could someone that has been in that kind of situation tell me how it played out eventually? What are your views on being in an LTR with a quality woman in your early 20s? Can you ever actually get back together, given that it's not a traditional breakup?

"these logistical reasons" ARE very REAL reasons to break up this non-existent relationship. A LDR is not a relationship: if you are not spending time together on a regular basis ie fvcking, all it really is, is TALK

Read this: http://therationalmale.com/2011/09/20/letting-go-of-invisible-friend/

You don't have much time to dedicate to her...there's your answer, dedicate it to yourself and your life goals.

Women are fickle. You cannot really think about FUTURE PLANS with them. The only thing you can think of with women is: the next hook-up/meet and creating an opportunity for sex to take place...while bringing value to the table.

Think of the future with regards to your life: your goals, career, finances, health and fitness etc

Your afraid to let her go because she is a "quality woman" is what I'm getting from your post. This is springing from a scarcity mentality.

Here read this, something to ponder: http://therationalmale.com/2013/03/19/quality-women/

You're feeling bad "even though you dumped her" because 1. on one hand it's normal, she's being part of your life so it's a big change, you're letting go of someone that's been part of your life 2. The LDR has been like a cocoon for you, a safety cocoon. warm and safe in the knowledge that you "had someone out there", that safe warm cocoon is broken now and you have to face the big bad world alone without that safety net..

Let go

 

[NSX-R]

LDR are the worst. I've been there once,it ended up me dumping her cause i was bored of this distance. She couldn't cover my needs and I'm a very handsome guy to stay with only one woman in my 20s.

break up with her and move forward,it's the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

[popsickle]

Reykhel I thin you hit the nail on the head on a couple of points, namely:
-A large accumulation of good memories, and it takes time and effort to build that again
-It does feel very much like a cocoon, and now I'm out of my comfort zone, so to speak

Now don't get me wrong, I don't doubt my ability to meet new women at all. I've always been quite successful with girls. The question is: why leave the cocoon at all if it's comfortable? If it feels right for now, why stop it? I dismissed a lot of the potential solutions for us to be together largely based on what people around me expected me to do. "You're young, moving to a new city, gotta be single", etc.

On the quality woman part, I don't think it's about vocabulary here. What I meant was that she's a) very trustworthy -I know the wisdom around here is usually that women mostly can't be trusted, etc but I know this for a fact, and she has my full trust b) light baggage/history - again I know this for a fact. Not saying inexistent, but light and c) accommodating, flexible and fun to be around.

She's the first girlfriend with whom I got to that comfort zone and was able to kind of let my guard down sometimes. Doesn't mean I became sloppy and lazy, but I was comfortable talking to her about things and there were no games. I always thought romance would be dead by the time I'd reach that point with a girl, but it wasn't. That's why I fear that I won't be able to meet someone like that again.

 

[Reykhel]

Reykhel I thin you hit the nail on the head on a couple of points, namely:
-A large accumulation of good memories, and it takes time and effort to build that again
-It does feel very much like a cocoon, and now I'm out of my comfort zone, so to speak

Now don't get me wrong, I don't doubt my ability to meet new women at all. I've always been quite successful with girls. The question is: why leave the cocoon at all if it's comfortable? If it feels right for now, why stop it? I dismissed a lot of the potential solutions for us to be together largely based on what people around me expected me to do. "You're young, moving to a new city, gotta be single", etc.

On the quality woman part, I don't think it's about vocabulary here. What I meant was that she's a) very trustworthy -I know the wisdom around here is usually that women mostly can't be trusted, etc but I know this for a fact, and she has my full trust b) light baggage/history - again I know this for a fact. Not saying inexistent, but light and c) accommodating, flexible and fun to be around.

She's the first girlfriend with whom I got to that comfort zone and was able to kind of let my guard down sometimes. Doesn't mean I became sloppy and lazy, but I was comfortable talking to her about things and there were no games. I always thought romance would be dead by the time I'd reach that point with a girl, but it wasn't. That's why I fear that I won't be able to meet someone like that again.

Ok so, you've made an evaluation about her "character" lets say. I don't doubt your ability to evaluate someone. However, how do we make an accuarate evaluation?

If we want to evaluate someone's motivations, an observation of her actions is a good place to start.
If we want to evaluate someone's character, an observation of her actions over a consistent lenght of time probably will be necessary. In other words to truly be able to read someone, you need to see patterns in her behaviour. You are not in a position to do either of these things, ergo your evalutation of her is corrupt.

Where is your evaluation coming from? No doubt you've spent time with her in "real" but now you have an image of her and the relationship in your head. Normally with LDR the relationships ends up being idealised in your head. This image, these memories are never quite accurate and are often seen through rose tinted glasses.

You cannot see her interest level. You cannot do anything. Where are you getting sex from? If you're being faithful are the reasons because you won't have to make any effort to look for sex? based on the pretext of being faithful?

Your question why leave the cocoon if it's comfortable? Firstly it's not a relationship, it's a delusion or a pen pal at best. Time to face reality. Secondly, why leave a cocoon? why leave your comfort zone? to grow my friend, to grow. To reach your full potential. If you had read that article it states "long distance relationships act as a buffer to rejection". It holds you back.....but now you now the payoff....your payoff is you don't have to take risks....in other words potential rejection...

When you know the payoff (ie the reasons) of disfunctional behaviour, then you can confront it and take the steps to eliminate it and ADVANCE your life

To stay in a cocoon as such willingly, is a vote for self-enmity...

You fear you won't meet someone like that again? why is there a need in you to have someon "like that" in your life. What qualities does she have, that are probably really a reflection of holes in your own personality.....find out what does holes are and start filling them...

 

[popsickle]

Excellent reply, thanks. Just to set the record straight though, we dated in the same city for about 8 months before we started LD, we didn't start out in an LDR, so I do think I have a decently accurate idea of who she is.

 

[YawataNoKami]

First the is no such thing as a LDR. Second all women at one point are NAWALT until they show their true colors and became AWAL. You are 22 just go out and fvck as many women you can.Enjoy life.