A poem i wrote to a girl back in the AFC days......read and see what u think

Lost In the Seas

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Forever I will remember,

That day in September.

When the sun was bright; the sky was light,

And cotton clouds were creamy white.

When laughter was the noise, and love was the sound,

It was you, I found.


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I remember that day we sat beside the tree,

Lying barefoot; our hearts were young, wild, and free.

We ran and chased the rabbits around,

The grass was soft; warm was the ground.

You laughed with tears when I tumbled into the lake.

You dried and dressed me up, then later we shared the stolen cake.

You ate like a cat: Pretty pink lips covered in sugar creams.

¡°Can I lick it off you?¡± I joked, but you just grinned: ¡°In your dreams!¡±

The sky turned black with the dusky sight; day was over and out came the night.

Breaths of cold wind came brushing down, and you held my right arm extra tight.

Angels Above sang to us: Earth was full of love and bliss,

We counted the shining stars, and under the moonlight you gave me a kiss.

My mind was soaring beyond expression: filled with hope and ecstasy.

I looked back at you with my stupid blank face, I dreamed it could only be a fantasy.

Oh! I wanted you to realize how I felt: If you looked into my eyes, then you would see,

The love and delight my heart contained, and just how much you meant to me.


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Because of you, meaning of love will never be the same.

All I think of is you, and it is you that I will blame.

And here I am with the white lilies in front of your lonesome tall grave.

My soul is speechless and lost in words, but underneath screaming inside a deep black cave.

Rain came pouring from the gloomy sky, as if for you also the Heaven cries,

¡°What the hell are you morning for?¡± I yelled , ¡°You just sat there and let her dies!¡±


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I unearthed a treasure,

But the pain of losing it is too much to measure.

My soul is torn: Empty except handful of doubt.

Nothing seems to matter now in this cruel world about.

And yet forever I will remember,

That day in September.

When the sun was bright; the sky was light,

And cotton clouds were creamy white.

When laughter was the noise; and love was the sound,


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was you, I found.
 

Desdinova

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Nice writing, but I dread to think of how she reacted to it.

The only time I wrote a poem for a girl (in my AFC days) was when I didn't want her in my life anymore. I recently pulled it out and read it. It was the 5hittiest thing I have ever written, but I didn't care. It wasnt to impress her, it was to get rid of her.
 

Lost In the Seas

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it actually worked quite well...........the girl was shocked and couldn't believe that i wrote a poem for her, and she thinks it was really good........i ended up screwing up though doing something else that killed the mystery and fantasy
 

Big Eee Zee

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so, did your g/f die? if she did, my condolences and that was well written. if she didn't then thats just super creepy.
 

RaWBLooD

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Originally posted by Big Eee Zee
so, did your g/f die? if she did, my condolences and that was well written. if she didn't then thats just super creepy.
:rolleyes:
 

Vibe

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Originally posted by Big Eee Zee
well, i mean he talks about her grave and ****. thats not right.
It's a poem - yeah, the grave is a negative connotation, but maybe she is dead in his mind - as she has left.

See - there is this idea that things like this poem are "so AFC" and it would send any girl packing. The thing to remember is that this isn't universal. When you're in a LTR, these things can be quite refreshing. Doing the unexpected is always good. So if you are always alpha, always hardcore, always keeping her guessing - and then you throw a poem like this at her, that's a surprise. It's the opposite of whatever you are normally doing. It can be quite effective in showing her your "sensitive" side. This is not an inherently bad side to show. It is just a bad side to show in the sort of context that makes it expected and lame.

~Vibe~
 

frivolousz21

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It's a poem - yeah, the grave is a negative connotation, but maybe she is dead in his mind - as she has left.

See - there is this idea that things like this poem are "so AFC" and it would send any girl packing. The thing to remember is that this isn't universal. When you're in a LTR, these things can be quite refreshing. Doing the unexpected is always good. So if you are always alpha, always hardcore, always keeping her guessing - and then you throw a poem like this at her, that's a surprise. It's the opposite of whatever you are normally doing. It can be quite effective in showing her your "sensitive" side. This is not an inherently bad side to show. It is just a bad side to show in the sort of context that makes it expected and lame.

~Vibe~




Rack EM!
 

RaWBLooD

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why do 2 different users say the same thing ?
 

Vibe

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Originally posted by RaWBLooD
why do 2 different users say the same thing ?
I think he was quoting me and messed up. That's all. His comment is at the bottom.

~Vibe~
 

thefonz

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Very impressive........but if it was so 'forward' and out there I'd say it woulda been great

Like I see some good parts where you talk about the past but then you get too mushy and it sort of becomes very corny, if you had waited to like the last sentence to bring up the "I Love You" stuff it would have had that powerful punch that you intended it to have, but you make to message too clear early on

I used to be an English major......
 

( . )( . )

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I dunno whats to say, its a poem. I personally think poems are pretty gay myself, but thats just me. I also think despite what the media tells us I believe poems are wasted on chicks in the same way all creative minds are not really appreciated by chicks. Kind of like the mind of a creative engineer would be recognised for what it really is with other men but not really fully grasped to a female mind. I dont mean that to sound "misogynistic" either, its just that the logical side that fully understands the skill involved with certain things can really only be seen in a certain way, and thats not to say it doesnt work the other way aswell with men not fully understanding things that women can because of the male mind getting in the way.

Or maybe I'm just dribbling sh!t.
 
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