War Against Betaism
Master Don Juan
I originally posted this in the high school forum because I thought it mainly applied to high school people, but when I read it over again I realized it applies to all ages.
I was having a conversation with my friend last week telling him about one of my bestfriends who is an AFC. He's been depressed ever since breaking up with his girlfriend and has been for the most part, pretty bad with the women he has been meeting. He doesn't seem to have a problem with actually meeting them, but he has encountered a lot of the dreaded "awkward silence" moments. What my friend told me was "Easy, just tell him to pamper the girl." My DJ instincts immediately told me this was bad advice, I mean pamper the girl? But then he went onto something interesting. "Listen to what they have to say, and that's it. Women love to talk about themselves and they love people who listen to them."
This actually had me thinking, back when I was an AFC I would always concern myself with different topic subjects to talk about. I kept myself updated with the latest gossip in the school and in the media, yet I was still unsuccessful socially. When my friend told me that advice, it made me realize why I was so bad at holding a conversation. Every time I would engage with someone in a conversation, I came in looking for the person to listen to ME and cared less about what THEY had to say. I thought since I did so much research on different topics to talk about, I could provide all 100% of the conversation.
Even though I have improved my social skills immensely since my hardcore AFC days, conversation has actually still been one of my weaker areas. Even a week ago I still had the mindset that I'M responsible for providing the conversation. I had a hard time keeping in touch with women and I blamed other factors besides my own lack of knowledge about conversation on it. I had everything else down; strong mentality, ****y and funny (done right), but because I lacked actual one on one conversation skills, I would meet women, lots and lots of them, and lose touch with them after first meeting them! Meanwhile my friends who get jealous easily and aren't funny seem to have no problem keeping in touch with their women.
This has been frustrating me and it's only recently that I discovered exactly what my problem was. What makes it worse is that the answer was always right there in my face but I just didn't see it. That is to just LISTEN! Listen to what they have to say!
A great conversationalist is an even greater listener.
Girls love talking about themselves. If you listen to them, they will love you too for it, just by listening to what they have to say! It is sooooo easy! Girls would prefer talking to a mirror than talking to a guy that doesn't listen to them who just yabs and yabs about his made up stories. Here is an example:
Me: So where are you from?
Her: I'm from Florida, I came here with my friends in a van.
Me: Oh that's cool. (3 second awkward silence). You know the other day I....
What went wrong here? Wasted material. Look at all that conversation that could have taken place. She is from Florida and she came here with her friends in a van. There are so many questions or ways of expanding this, such as "Oh really how is Florida?", or "Oh wow you guys drove all the way here from Florida?" When you ask questions, you'll notice that you'll have even more and more material to talk about. You don't have to memorize jokes, made up stories, and most of all, you don't need to be so anxious! That conversation could have easily turned out like:
Me: So where are you from?
Her: I'm from Florida, I came here with my friends in a van.
Me: Wow all the way from Florida?
Her: Haha yeah we always wanted to do a road trip.
Me: That's pretty amazing though, where are your friends right now?
...
etc. Probably not the best example as conversations are only natural between two people but hopefully it shows what I'm trying to get across.
Here's a key point, just don't talk about yourself AT ALL until they ask about you.
*Note: I should add I didn't suddenly think of all of this when my friend told me his advice to "pamper the girl." It motivated me to get ebooks on conversation and most of these points are from Sean McPheats's book "How To Make Great Conversation And Small Talk".
I was having a conversation with my friend last week telling him about one of my bestfriends who is an AFC. He's been depressed ever since breaking up with his girlfriend and has been for the most part, pretty bad with the women he has been meeting. He doesn't seem to have a problem with actually meeting them, but he has encountered a lot of the dreaded "awkward silence" moments. What my friend told me was "Easy, just tell him to pamper the girl." My DJ instincts immediately told me this was bad advice, I mean pamper the girl? But then he went onto something interesting. "Listen to what they have to say, and that's it. Women love to talk about themselves and they love people who listen to them."
This actually had me thinking, back when I was an AFC I would always concern myself with different topic subjects to talk about. I kept myself updated with the latest gossip in the school and in the media, yet I was still unsuccessful socially. When my friend told me that advice, it made me realize why I was so bad at holding a conversation. Every time I would engage with someone in a conversation, I came in looking for the person to listen to ME and cared less about what THEY had to say. I thought since I did so much research on different topics to talk about, I could provide all 100% of the conversation.
Even though I have improved my social skills immensely since my hardcore AFC days, conversation has actually still been one of my weaker areas. Even a week ago I still had the mindset that I'M responsible for providing the conversation. I had a hard time keeping in touch with women and I blamed other factors besides my own lack of knowledge about conversation on it. I had everything else down; strong mentality, ****y and funny (done right), but because I lacked actual one on one conversation skills, I would meet women, lots and lots of them, and lose touch with them after first meeting them! Meanwhile my friends who get jealous easily and aren't funny seem to have no problem keeping in touch with their women.
This has been frustrating me and it's only recently that I discovered exactly what my problem was. What makes it worse is that the answer was always right there in my face but I just didn't see it. That is to just LISTEN! Listen to what they have to say!
A great conversationalist is an even greater listener.
Girls love talking about themselves. If you listen to them, they will love you too for it, just by listening to what they have to say! It is sooooo easy! Girls would prefer talking to a mirror than talking to a guy that doesn't listen to them who just yabs and yabs about his made up stories. Here is an example:
Me: So where are you from?
Her: I'm from Florida, I came here with my friends in a van.
Me: Oh that's cool. (3 second awkward silence). You know the other day I....
What went wrong here? Wasted material. Look at all that conversation that could have taken place. She is from Florida and she came here with her friends in a van. There are so many questions or ways of expanding this, such as "Oh really how is Florida?", or "Oh wow you guys drove all the way here from Florida?" When you ask questions, you'll notice that you'll have even more and more material to talk about. You don't have to memorize jokes, made up stories, and most of all, you don't need to be so anxious! That conversation could have easily turned out like:
Me: So where are you from?
Her: I'm from Florida, I came here with my friends in a van.
Me: Wow all the way from Florida?
Her: Haha yeah we always wanted to do a road trip.
Me: That's pretty amazing though, where are your friends right now?
...
etc. Probably not the best example as conversations are only natural between two people but hopefully it shows what I'm trying to get across.
Here's a key point, just don't talk about yourself AT ALL until they ask about you.
*Note: I should add I didn't suddenly think of all of this when my friend told me his advice to "pamper the girl." It motivated me to get ebooks on conversation and most of these points are from Sean McPheats's book "How To Make Great Conversation And Small Talk".
