Close to 3 months have passed since my break-up with my bpd-ex and although i believe i have progressed alot faster in the healing process i still have some relapses of pain and loneliness.
I can say i have been about 80-90% recovered from this break up which took a devastating toll on my life for the first few weeks.
What i went through i consider to be a severe case of a BPD relationship. I was abused emotionally, physically, psychologically, etc. i've had plenty of bruises and bloodshed from the physical abuse. She threatened suicide on me multiple times as well. My whole family was turned against me at one point, thinking i was a devil of a man.
I knew what i was going should not have been put up with nor was it anyway normal and of course i told myself to get out MANY times. But when it came down to it, i would walk away for a day and be drawn right back in numerous times.
She was one of the worst people i knew but at the same time she was one of the best. She catered to my every need, Shared finances with me and alot of times she paid for my bills. She would cook, clean, and please me in every way. My friends loved her, my family loved her, and everyone was telling me she was a great catch and not to let go.
She would help my family with chores and errands to no end only to please everyone connected to me. Pleasing people was her specialty and that was one of the traits i hated most about her. She never once tried to please herself. If we were to go to the movies it would be only what i wanted to see. If she mentioned a movie and i mentioned one it would have to be mine. I would try so hard to do something she wanted and it would only turn into an argument.
I did everything with this woman. I lived with her, i ate with her, played sports with her, played games with her, etc. She even bought a computer game called Warcraft III and started playing it with me everyday. We would do it competitively. She started to get more addicted to it than i did.
Even with the constant fighting everyday, i was as happy as i could ever be...atleast that's what i felt like. I've lived everyday in life as an experience and i knew nothing in life is perfect and it is what you make of it. I thought it was normal since i experienced something so great, that much of a connection and happiness with someone that it was bound to come with alot of stress. I assumed that it was the price i had to pay for the happiness i was given.
Throughout this relationship i lost a lot of my philosophies, habits, friends, family, but most of all i lost a lot of who i worked so hard to become. A strong and independent person.
My whole life, i backdowned to no one. No matter how big or how old, if i felt i was right, i would not let you tell me i was wrong. (Unless you could prove it)
After the relationship ended the events that transpired then, devasted me. I never felt so weak in my life. I, a man who others looked up to, who frightened others with just my words alone, was frightened now of the whole world. What happened?
I recovered fast. Within a month of mostly solitude, i slowly pieced together myself and filled in the gaps that were missing from my life. A month in a half i was out, about, and normal once again. now going on 2 and a half months i am content of being by myself and searching for potential females that fit my criteria but i still sometimes.....
I sometimes find myself in pain of the past. Sometimes wishing time would reverse and things could have been different. There is obviously no future, for the things that happened after the relationship ended i could not accept. The only thing that keeps me from ever thinking things could work out are the things that happened immediately after the break-up and although i know this maybe wrong but the physically abuse never bothered me. Maybe it was because it never hurt me. Growing up in an asian family the abuse i experienced was way worse, and including all the fighting i was involved in and active sports i played, a punch in the face wouldn't have phased me.
She has since tried to contact me a few times insisting that there is no other like me but i have not responded. There is no future for us but i cannot forget the past.
-AAA
This is just a rant of mine and hopefully some of you can take this experience and get the best out of it.
I can say i have been about 80-90% recovered from this break up which took a devastating toll on my life for the first few weeks.
What i went through i consider to be a severe case of a BPD relationship. I was abused emotionally, physically, psychologically, etc. i've had plenty of bruises and bloodshed from the physical abuse. She threatened suicide on me multiple times as well. My whole family was turned against me at one point, thinking i was a devil of a man.
I knew what i was going should not have been put up with nor was it anyway normal and of course i told myself to get out MANY times. But when it came down to it, i would walk away for a day and be drawn right back in numerous times.
She was one of the worst people i knew but at the same time she was one of the best. She catered to my every need, Shared finances with me and alot of times she paid for my bills. She would cook, clean, and please me in every way. My friends loved her, my family loved her, and everyone was telling me she was a great catch and not to let go.
She would help my family with chores and errands to no end only to please everyone connected to me. Pleasing people was her specialty and that was one of the traits i hated most about her. She never once tried to please herself. If we were to go to the movies it would be only what i wanted to see. If she mentioned a movie and i mentioned one it would have to be mine. I would try so hard to do something she wanted and it would only turn into an argument.
I did everything with this woman. I lived with her, i ate with her, played sports with her, played games with her, etc. She even bought a computer game called Warcraft III and started playing it with me everyday. We would do it competitively. She started to get more addicted to it than i did.
Even with the constant fighting everyday, i was as happy as i could ever be...atleast that's what i felt like. I've lived everyday in life as an experience and i knew nothing in life is perfect and it is what you make of it. I thought it was normal since i experienced something so great, that much of a connection and happiness with someone that it was bound to come with alot of stress. I assumed that it was the price i had to pay for the happiness i was given.
Throughout this relationship i lost a lot of my philosophies, habits, friends, family, but most of all i lost a lot of who i worked so hard to become. A strong and independent person.
My whole life, i backdowned to no one. No matter how big or how old, if i felt i was right, i would not let you tell me i was wrong. (Unless you could prove it)
After the relationship ended the events that transpired then, devasted me. I never felt so weak in my life. I, a man who others looked up to, who frightened others with just my words alone, was frightened now of the whole world. What happened?
I recovered fast. Within a month of mostly solitude, i slowly pieced together myself and filled in the gaps that were missing from my life. A month in a half i was out, about, and normal once again. now going on 2 and a half months i am content of being by myself and searching for potential females that fit my criteria but i still sometimes.....
I sometimes find myself in pain of the past. Sometimes wishing time would reverse and things could have been different. There is obviously no future, for the things that happened after the relationship ended i could not accept. The only thing that keeps me from ever thinking things could work out are the things that happened immediately after the break-up and although i know this maybe wrong but the physically abuse never bothered me. Maybe it was because it never hurt me. Growing up in an asian family the abuse i experienced was way worse, and including all the fighting i was involved in and active sports i played, a punch in the face wouldn't have phased me.
She has since tried to contact me a few times insisting that there is no other like me but i have not responded. There is no future for us but i cannot forget the past.
-AAA
This is just a rant of mine and hopefully some of you can take this experience and get the best out of it.