Terrified to Escalate

I Am Sam · Feb 10, 2008

Note: Have this posted in the HS section, but would like some advice from more experienced people - ones who have possibly gone through the same thing.

Straight to the point - I'm scared to physically escalate with girls.

Sometime's I'll be making out with a girl, and she'll start grinding her hips against me, and I've gotten to where we're in our underwear. But for some reason I freeze up and can't finger her or go past.

It's really starting to wear on me. Many times I've been in the position to escalate, but something inside wont let me. Only if a girl starts escalating herself can I do anything past making out.

My goal is to become comfortable with fingering or performing cunnilingus to a girl, and be confident enough to ask her to give me a handjob or head.

Can anyone here help me? Thanks a lot.

DonJoseCantosie · Feb 10, 2008

Hey buddy. There are two options i would say. First, u might be afraid that she may reject your advances. Also, u might be afraid that u won't be able to satisfy her and that u'll be embarrased. These are fears we can only get over by going with the risk.

I Am Sam · Feb 10, 2008

DonJoseCantosie said:
Hey buddy. There are two options i would say. First, u might be afraid that she may reject your advances. Also, u might be afraid that u won't be able to satisfy her and that u'll be embarrased. These are fears we can only get over by going with the risk.

That's exactly why I'm scared.

You're saying, the only way I'm gonna get confident enough to do it, is BY doing it?

That kind of sucks, because I TELL myself that I need to do it and just GO FOR IT but I always ***** out.

But thanks a lot for the help and quick reply.

DonJoseCantosie · Feb 10, 2008

Sure. You could tell urself, "The only way i'll be happy and enjoy being intimate with girls in the future is to take the next scary step!" Take the risk dude, u have to take a shot. When u have the opportunity, go for it. If ur scared as hell, do it anyways. Realize she wants you very badly and wants u to take that risk. She'll tell u if u do wrong. Its only in ur ahead that u'll do bad. Remember, ur first time won't be good as ur second time. Be at the point where there will be a second time. Its all i can tell you. Its up to you

Supremo · Feb 10, 2008

DonJoseCantosie said:
Sure. You could tell urself, "The only way i'll be happy and enjoy being intimate with girls in the future is to take the next scary step!" Take the risk dude, u have to take a shot. When u have the opportunity, go for it. If ur scared as hell, do it anyways. Realize she wants you very badly and wants u to take that risk. She'll tell u if u do wrong. Its only in ur ahead that u'll do bad. Remember, ur first time won't be good as ur second time. Be at the point where there will be a second time. Its all i can tell you. Its up to you

This is some good **** right hurr!
Sam, basically you gotta just pull a Nike and DO IT!
I used to be bad at escalating, but you gotta realize that the more you try, the greater success you'll have.

If you try 10 times and get rejected 5, thats 5 more successes than the guy who was too scared to try once.

I personally like to get the girl to give me a handjob before I finger her, because once she does that, you'll NEVER get rejected (and if you do, it's because she's on her period...) Taking this advice, when you're mackin just lay on your back and have her on your right side (so its easier for her, assuming she's right handed). Then hold her hand, and slowly make your way to your crotch! From there, it's cake brotha.

You'll never go anywhere if you don't try! Think of it as not being scared to hook up, but just EXCITED. Reframe this AFC mindset that you have and your successes will skyrocket!

Change your mindset. Get some confidence! KNOW that this chick wants you to pleasure her SO BAD and she's already wet just THINKING about it. Fake it til you make it my friend... that's what I did. Meaning I told myself how much she wanted me, regardless if my mind told me it wasn't true... and eventually this belief became ingrained in me.

Good luck

WC2 · Feb 10, 2008

You have to take this step yourself. Only then you will have the confidence to do it again. I know when you're in high school and you don't know much about women it's very intimidating. But just remember that once you escalate once, it gets easier and easier every time.

War Against Betaism · Feb 10, 2008

There's really no better advice than to man up and grow some balls. You're probably still uncomfortable with the situation where you're in the physical stage of an interaction. The more you experience these situations the more comfortable you will be, and the less scared you'll be to escalate.

Jitterbug · Feb 10, 2008

Your testosterone level is probably a little low. Work out with weights, eat well, sleep well. That's gonna bring out the caveman in you and take care of the problem. That's what I did to fix my sexual escalation anxiety.

I Am Sam · Feb 11, 2008

DjDan said:
are you afraid to approach too? or just escalate?

Just escalate... I have no problem approaching or anything UP to when we're at the hook-up spot.

I guess sometimes I'm nervous to START actually escalating once we're somewhere, but that's not too bad. It's just the escalating past making out that's really hard for me.

Maxtro · Feb 11, 2008

Are you a virgin? How old are you? What is the farthest you have gone with a girl?

I.A.F.Y.B. · Feb 11, 2008

Face your fears. Not everybody is good at something they first try. It takes practice... It's like riding a bike. Your gonna fall off the first few times but, you get back on and the next thing you know your a pro at it. Let's say she says you are bad at sex. Hey, you got the pvssy and you are another step ahead and you learn from it. Or do some searches on the internet. Some websites will direct you in becoming "better" in bed.

I Am Sam · Feb 12, 2008

Maxtro said:
Are you a virgin? How old are you? What is the farthest you have gone with a girl?

In order: yes, 16, everything but sex.

Honestly, most of my hookups have been just that, hookups. No time to really ask what feels good or any of that. Generally, I'm the one who's on the receiving end of the deal so that's good, but in a way not. It's just I recently got into a relationship so now I'm hooking up more consistently... and I still freeze up when it comes to escalating.

This weekend we're supposed to hang out, so I'm for sure gonna try and overcome my fear and GO FOR IT!

As a sidenote: if a girl is very sexual and it's blatantly obvious she wants me to do something (she tells me she wants it, or moves my hand, or initiates on me herself), then I have no problem doing it... it's just doing it myself thats hard. That makes me like to (or at least, more comfortable) with the girl dominating the physical part of a relationship. And I don't need anyone to tell me that's bad. Gotta work on that. Shouldn't be hard because my girlfriend does NOT take control of the sexual stuff at all, which is probably part of the reason why I freeze up with her.

Thanks for all the advice guys, any more would be great!

Maxtro · Feb 13, 2008

Now that I read that you are only 16 I have decided to not help you. It's nothing against you, just my own jealousy :moon:

Don't worry, you seem to be doing fine.

I Am Sam · Feb 13, 2008

Maxtro said:
Now that I read that you are only 16 I have decided to not help you. It's nothing against you, just my own jealousy :moon:

Don't worry, you seem to be doing fine.

Well, not really man. I'd really like to get laid. I know that's what every guy wants, but I see it, for me, as one of those obstacles that once I get over one time, will be no problem afterward. The stress of not having sex is what makes me nervous I think, and it's not like I'm fiending for it, but it'd be nice to GET IT OVER WITH and not with some high school slut.

Dawg, I understand your reasoning for not helping me, but c'mon dude, I'm throwing myself out there for the world (of SoSuave) to judge. This isn't just about becoming more confident to escalate, its about becoming more confident in general.

DonJoseCantosie · Feb 13, 2008

Hey Sam...all it comes down to is...despite feeling this anxiety...take that step regardless. Its just in ur head. The girl wants u to **** her like a wild animal. She'll tell u if she doesn't. The first time will never be good, realize it. Make that decision my friend. I said it earlier as well tho.

drak_ool · Feb 14, 2008

ok, so are you afraid she ll reject your advances? who cares? she s already in bed with you, in her panties, if she don't wants to shag then have her blow you and you ll be better off than her

are you afraid you re not gonna do it right? there s a ton of material out there, some of it quit graphic, on how to improve (or in your case jump-start) your sex life, so check it out. Sure, you won't get better at it unless you practice it in real life, however knowing what you re supposed to do before hand might alleviate some of the pressure. As a side note: i had no clue what it meant to pleasure a woman the first time i had sex... but i was so horny i didn't give a damn either

Johnny Walker · Feb 14, 2008

I am Sam,

Hey WASSUP MAN...

I like how you're drilling down to the issue versus fronting. Typical guys
front and destroy their own potential success. So kudos.

ANYWAY

I've been where you are and for me it came down to being in my head
instead of enjoying the moment and FEELING it out with my body.
If you work out, you may know what I'm talking about; it's that feeling
of your own masculine energy surge throughout your body.

You have to relax and ALLOW the situation to unfold. Control your
breathing and slllloooooow doooown. Enjoy every moment and
pay attention to the woman you're with. You see, when you're in
these intimate situations with women, you have to warm them up
slowly like an oven. When you do it right, you'll be comfortable
and ready for the next step.

You can really tell the girl to drive because your inexperienced.
She will jump all over you. I've learned in all these years (since age 6)
that it is BEST to be authentic and genuine with women. Straight
up and honest but doing it with some social intelligence and savvy.

In a situation like that one, just be honest with the girl and ask her
to show YOU what she likes. You'll be the BEST she's had because
you've done what 99% of typical guys don't do - listen to feedback
as well as paying attention. You don't need tricks to do something
that is natural.

You should also practice pushing yourself beyond your limitations in
your everyday life (in baby steps) as well as pursuing your passions.

Once you get into a normal habit of doing this, it will put you light
years ahead of everyone else and while they're busy fronting and
doing cheesy stuff that women joke on them about, YOU will be the
one that they will be pursuing.....because you're REAL and unafraid
to be vulnerable. To my mind, the epitome of STRENGTH - which is the
greatest aphrodisiac - is vulnerability. That is only true fearlessness.

Women can respect that. Once you have that, the world will be yours
to play with since limitations will be overcome. One by one.

This is a journey and your just at one of the many challenges to come.

Good luck man.

Johnny Walker

p.s. Go for it. Fear of rejection is really Self-Rejection. Choose to accept yourself, flaws and all, and realize that is what makes you a unique human
being. Go for it. Every challenge is an opportunity for growth in disguise.

I Am Sam · Feb 15, 2008

Johnny Walker said:
I've been where you are and for me it came down to being in my head
instead of enjoying the moment and FEELING it out with my body.
If you work out, you may know what I'm talking about; it's that feeling
of your own masculine energy surge throughout your body.

p.s. Go for it. Fear of rejection is really Self-Rejection. Choose to accept yourself, flaws and all, and realize that is what makes you a unique human
being. Go for it. Every challenge is an opportunity for growth in disguise.

Johnny,
First of all, thanks for the reply... that was definitely one of the best I've seen on the forums and I appreciate your detail. Maybe it's just because your post is fresh in my mind and I'm pumped, or it has actually changed me, but right now I don't even have the slightest worry about being with a girl like I did before.

Of course I'm gonna screw up... I was always just so worried about that rejection but what's the worst that's gonna happen? She says no and keeps making out with me? Not really all that bad. That's the worst that's ever happened to me before anyway.

I totally understand what you mean about that feeling when you're working out. Right after you lift a huge set, and get that last rep in that you need a spotter for. When you finally press it and set it back on the bar, it's a feeling of pride, accomplishment, and I think a true look at what it is to be a untamed man. That animalistic ferocity that stays with you for a while right after you lift.

Anyway, your post-script also hit home for me. It's exactly like approaching. Not approaching her is a rejection that could've been a phone number... that has become ingrained in me since I started reading on seduction. I just never put hooking up and approaching mentality together to see how closely related they are.

Thanks a lot again man

Sir Juanalot · Feb 16, 2008

The best advice i can give you here is, stop thinking, and just do.

Men tend to overanalyse these things "does she like me?" "is she ready?" "am i ready?" etc etc

Just go with the flow, and make the ho say no

I Am Sam · Feb 17, 2008

Well I took people's advice and got a little further.
I just "went with the flow" and moved her hand down to my pants and she gave me a handjob!
Pretty cool, didn't try to go further because she didn't seem to want me to finger her (hard to explain why, I didn't ask but just her body positioning and not moving when I would move my hand in that direction).

But either way, pretty sweet. Thanks

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