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So let me get this straight. She's pushing to have sex another girl as well as you. You can't have sex with the other girl. This is being framed as "your" fantasy - "you" getting to enjoy another girl, which opens the possibility of her using this as a bargaining point for her to get to sleep...

Here's my view, You say they broke up 4 years ago. Then she really should be over him by now. However the fact that he showed up at a social event that you were both at suggests that now that he's found out she's got someone new (you) he's jealous, and maybe wants her back. She says she isn't...