Dating late 30's and early 40's ?

[Borknagar]

Have you done any self assessment why you're not getting puzzy? I mean, don't tell me it can't be cause women are alla bad and you're the special one here, right? You're the common denominator.

Are you fit? Socially calibrated? Got some game? You could date women from 18-55. Look at that range.

I'm fine there and meet the false stereotype(6 feet tall, etc). Socially calibrated? Sure I can talk to people, start conversation etc. Online is a complete waste as literally no woman is serious on there. I rarely see a woman in public I would like to approach, etc etc. Just no legit options. It's part that I know it's a waste of time since it won't lead anywhere plus, who? There's hardly any out there.

 

[Solomon]

I'm fine there and meet the false stereotype(6 feet tall, etc). Socially calibrated? Sure I can talk to people, start conversation etc. Online is a complete waste as literally no woman is serious on there. I rarely see a woman in public I would like to approach, etc etc. Just no legit options. It's part that I know it's a waste of time since it won't lead anywhere plus, who? There's hardly any out there.

I think Bork your issue is the town that you live in, you went from the most populated city in the state to basically a rural town. The options are going to be dogshyt. I do think in your situation traveling and venturing out is justified.

But I totally agree with @New_Journey even a dogshyt rural town you're better of dating younger woman, they tend to be a far superior option and not as damaged as women in our age group.

Self-assessment and brutal introspection is also key. If you're not meeting the type of women you want sometimes you gotta look inward to see what type of women you attract or how you putting yourself out there. If you only meet women on swipe apps. It's like trying to hunt deer in a swamp of mice, crocodiles and snakes

 

[SW15]

a rural town. The options are going to be dogshyt.

Rural towns always have dog shiit level options for 25+ men who need to date outside a social circle. Rural towns might work for high school or small college campus game but that's about it.

I've thought that a 25+ man needs an area population of at least 200,000 to date effectively. I think as a man's age goes up and his target market's age goes up, he needs even more of a population.

For instance, Amarillo, Texas has slightly over 200,000 people living there. That's around the bare minimum. I think it would be possible to date in Amarillo if the target market is 20 something women. However, if you're looking at women nearing or above 30 in Amarillo, there's a good chance that they are single moms. In Texas, if you want 30 something women who are childless, that means you're going to need to be in the big Texas cities Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Antonio, or Fort Worth. Guys in their late 30s/early 40s are often challenged in attracting and retaining women under 30.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I'm fine there and meet the false stereotype(6 feet tall, etc). Socially calibrated? Sure I can talk to people, start conversation etc. Online is a complete waste as literally no woman is serious on there. I rarely see a woman in public I would like to approach, etc etc. Just no legit options. It's part that I know it's a waste of time since it won't lead anywhere plus, who? There's hardly any out there.

If you’ve chosen to live in a less populated area, you may want to pursue groups or activities that people who share similar values of you, perhaps religious, hobbies, etc, that have a social bent

 

[Solomon]

Pook wrote something very true. If you're not getting women, you need to increase your SMV or lower your standards.

Amen, but this the conundrum so many men are now complaining and whining about women's modern standards. Yes some of it is delusional (women wanting men to pay for everything but they are not feminine or traditional) and entitled no doubt about it, but there are still women out there that will follow your lead as a man, but they are not meeting men the truth is most men aren't the guys that they think they are and that's are hardpill for most men to swallow so it's easier to blame women and feminism instead of stepping your game up while they listen to Andrew Tate sipping on the kool-aide.

I got a 35-year-old acquaintance, he is a dork (plays video games all day and looks like a dork)he smokes weed all day, lives with his parents, works a ****ty part-time job and he's spinning 3-5 plates at any given moment. I'm not saying guys should be like him but what I'm saying is if he can do it why can't you? (you as in general not attacking you journey FYI. I know it's the internet so I gotta give context). Coming on this forum you would think that getting women is a quest to Mordor or some shyt.

 

[The Duke]

At 45 I know I wouldn't have a chance with an attractive woman under 30. Just doesn't seem realistic.

I'm proof it's possible. I'm almost 50. Last two girls I met in bars. One was 25, the other 29. I have a good attitude and I'm good one on one with women but that's about it. I'm prolly a 7, fit, under 6ft, bald head.

 

[Solomon]

I'm proof it's possible. I'm almost 50. Last two girls I met in bars. One was 25, the other 29. I have a good attitude and I'm good one on one with women but that's about it. I'm prolly a 7, fit, under 6ft, bald head.

Attitude is so underrated. How many guys have you met in their mid-40s or 50s that are just grumpy insufferable guys you don't wanna hang out with? I don't know any cause I don't hang out with them. Just like If I deal with a woman in her 40s if she is insufferable she doesn't get more than one date from me even if we bang. Hence I prefer younger women better attitude far less jaded.

 

[Borknagar]

I think Bork your issue is the town that you live in, you went from the most populated city in the state to basically a rural town. The options are going to be dogshyt. I do think in your situation traveling and venturing out is justified.

But I totally agree with @New_Journey even a dogshyt rural town you're better of dating younger woman, they tend to be a far superior option and not as damaged as women in our age group.

Self-assessment and brutal introspection is also key. If you're not meeting the type of women you want sometimes you gotta look inward to see what type of women you attract or how you putting yourself out there. If you only meet women on swipe apps. It's like trying to hunt deer in a swamp of mice, crocodiles and snakes

Actually I moved to Blaine so I'm back close to Mpls. I couldn't do small towns for a few reasons. This being one, and I like not running into people from work all the time. The swipe apps and all the women on them are useless. In fact I would probably ditch a women I met in person if she told me she had a Tinter or any other online dating. Pretty much a sure thing she's seeing a bunch of dudes.

As far as women I attract, most of the ones that do occasionally appear attracted are pretty attractive, but it's not all that real so I don't take it seriously. As far as putting myself out there, aside from just going by my day to day there really isn't any other way today. Online is even ****tier than it used to be, much ****tier. I didn't realize how great POF was back in the day compared to this ****. Now POF is the worst one as all the women have messaging disabled. Lame lol But really, the best thing for relationships between men and women is to shut all these dating sites down. It's made women much worse.

 

[Borknagar]

@Borknagar I lived in a very rural area myself in Puerto Rico, in those many years I made sure I was the best version of myself for the future me, because moving out was my mission.

The universe has given you years only for yourself, to turn yourself into a guy, when looking at yourself back, you are proud for your achievements. Women are not the goal, take them out of your mind, the goal must be focusing time on you first and then on women. Not spending all time on women and then on you.

I see you are 45, have you get your test levels checked in a man's clinic, if you're low, they'll put you in TRT for life. While been on there, they usually put your hormone levels optimal, like a 18-20 years old. If you spend 2 years hitting the gym hard, good diet and good workout program and working your a$$ off to get money, by 47 you'll be very proud you working on yourself before moving.

Oh yeah I don't think about them as much as I used to. Getting married than divorced kind of does that. As far as all that I don't need two years. I would like to drop maybe 20-30lb which I could do by maybe April, as for money, I'm currently at about 6 figures so I'm fine there but would like more to make up for the lack of a partner and be able to afford a bigger house for myself and pets.

As far as going to a clinic I'm not really interested. If my levels are low than so be it as I would be better off in the long run. Low levels would make me less interested in women so I can focus more on other things, and spend more time focusing on moving up, playing more guitar and video games lol. Less bs with all that. Hopefully it lowers more so I never think about it as long as there's no other effects.

As far as approaching, I stopped approaching women. I find it wasteful. I think it's best to let them do it.

 

[The Duke]

I follow an author Rian Stone who writes books and in one of his books he said "....women always overrate themselves while men try to underrate themselves"

Now a question for you, do you wake up every day thinking about women and going out every time you can to get women, or you spend time on you, on your work, business, hobbies and some days of the week go for women?

There was a short period of my life I did. I chased women 3 nites a week and partied a lot, went on a date or two also. It was work and women. After I got it out of my system somewhat I got back to being more focused on healthier things like business, work, and hobbies.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Oh yeah I don't think about them as much as I used to. Getting married than divorced kind of does that. As far as all that I don't need two years. I would like to drop maybe 20-30lb which I could do by maybe April, as for money, I'm currently at about 6 figures so I'm fine there but would like more to make up for the lack of a partner and be able to afford a bigger house for myself and pets.

As far as going to a clinic I'm not really interested. If my levels are low than so be it as I would be better off in the long run. Low levels would make me less interested in women so I can focus more on other things, and spend more time focusing on moving up, playing more guitar and video games lol. Less bs with all that. Hopefully it lowers more so I never think about it as long as there's no other effects.

As far as approaching, I stopped approaching women. I find it wasteful. I think it's best to let them do it.

What are you hoping to achieve in this thread?

 

[Divorced w 3]

There was a short period of my life I did. I chased women 3 nites a week and partied a lot, went on a date or two also. It was work and women. After I got it out of my system somewhat I got back to being more focused on healthier things like business, work, and hobbies.

What are your thoughts on starting an indefinite period of abstinence in a relationship in order to focus on other issues that need to be handled, both within the relationship but also in one’s self?

 

[SW15]

I didn't realize how great POF was back in the day compared to this ****.

If I sent 100 messages on POF back in the day, I would have more responses and more live conversations than 100 right swipes on a swipe app in more modern times.

 

[The Duke]

What are your thoughts on starting an indefinite period of abstinence in a relationship in order to focus on other issues that need to be handled, both within the relationship but also in one’s self?

I've done something similar with two different women.

Case A
She lived with me and was most likely Borderline. I told her she needed to move out of my place and get her own and work on herself so she did. We would still see each other once a week but obstained from sex for several months. She made a ton of improvement, got some professional help but I was also her counselor. She eventually moved back in with me. During all of this, I ended up feeling more like her father/guidance counselor than I did her lover. Professionals always say you should never be a counselor to your lover. It changed how I saw the relationship. Eventually I lost attraction and we split up. I could never get that spark back inside of myself. I felt bad because she did what she needed and was really a solid chic. She went on to marry an older guy, but I still hear from her after all these years. She reaches out for relationship advice, and wishes her and I could be back together.

Case B
My most recent live in girl friend and I split and she moved into her own house. 7months after she moved out we started talking and seeing each other again every 2-3wks. The abstinence thing didn't last long. We agreed to talk out our differences, work on ourselves but were never successful. Just couldn't come to an agreement. I wanted a girl that could shut down her career/boss biatch mode and give me what I wanted so I could be more engaged in our relationship and be more attentive/affectionate to her. She definitely had it in her but wasn't willing to dial her career back for me.

To answer your question, yes I think its worth a shot. When you cut out the sex and live separately it really gets your attention. You have more time for self-reflection, discussing issues, and you are more vulnerable and have incentive to work towards the goal of getting back together. With each case, I felt there was a lot more respect for each other being shown and less anger being directed in negative ways at each other.

But I also am a believer that most of the time when these deals get bad, they never go back together like they were at one time. Usually too much damage happens. Once the relationship gets contaminated, its like a cancer.

 

[BaronOfHair]

* I get oneitis pretty quickly

That's something you'll have to remedy

 

[BaronOfHair]

Eventually I lost attraction and we split up. I could never get that spark back inside of myself

You. Lost. That. Loooooooooooovin' Feelin'....

 

[Sega Genesis]

What are your thoughts on starting an indefinite period of abstinence in a relationship in order to focus on other issues that need to be handled, both within the relationship but also in one’s self?

Good question and I wonder how much different it is from something I posted on a different thread about waiting a bit to have sex with a new partner with whom there is potential for LTR?

Sometimes (not always) powerful sex can blind you to incompatibilities or differences and/or prevent you from emotionally connecting or recognizing toxicity when it's present.

It becomes ALL about the sex! And only about the sex.

Great it your goal is to spin plates but not so great it your goal is a mutually rewarding long term relationship, imo and experience.

 

[BaronOfHair]

I never understood men who say 30s and 40s were the best time dating, as Duke said above

They aren't for everyone. Lots of men throw in the towel during the early part of their 3rd decade of life, after experiencing a thought which essentially goes something like: "I haven't become a billionaire celebrity by now, the way DiCaprio was after Titanic, or The Beatles were by '68... Therefore, life is over, and there's no point in making an effort"

They cling tenaciously to such thoughts, despite the fact that they run contrary to the evidence, even Insofar as most male celebrities go. Just a few examples:

-Glenn Powell is in his late 30s now, and finally seeing his star ascend

-Brad Pitt and George Clooney were both deep into their 30s(with the latter pushing 40), before anyone knew who the hell they were

-Jon Hamm was well into his 30s when Mad Men came along

-James Spader was in his 4th decade of life, before he really began to rake in the dough via prestige projects like The Practice and Boston Legal. He spent the first two decades subsisting on critically acclaimed yet seldom seen independent flicks and outright schlock

-Johnny Cash, Lou Reed, and David Bowie were all doing their most compelling work later on in life. Ditto with Patrice O'Neal, Carlin, and Rodney Dangerfield

-Nabokov and GRRM were in their 5th decades of life before penning Lolita and A Song Of Fire and Ice




The list could go on. We've allowed advertising to con us into believing that adolescence is the high water mark of human existence, despite the fact this was never a widely held belief*, prior to the advent of The Counterculture of the late 60s-early 70s. Ya know, when a 34 year old Abby Hoffman preached "Don't trust anyone under 30", and most of The Western Hemisphere just went along with this like automatons




*This was especially never considered the norm for men in decades past. Note the film stars of early Hollywood: Clark Gable, Bogart, Robert Mitchum... None of them were kids fresh out of high school

 

[Divorced w 3]

I've done something similar with two different women.

Case A
She lived with me and was most likely Borderline. I told her she needed to move out of my place and get her own and work on herself so she did. We would still see each other once a week but obstained from sex for several months. She made a ton of improvement, got some professional help but I was also her counselor. She eventually moved back in with me. During all of this, I ended up feeling more like her father/guidance counselor than I did her lover. Professionals always say you should never be a counselor to your lover. It changed how I saw the relationship. Eventually I lost attraction and we split up. I could never get that spark back inside of myself. I felt bad because she did what she needed and was really a solid chic. She went on to marry an older guy, but I still hear from her after all these years. She reaches out for relationship advice, and wishes her and I could be back together.

Case B
My most recent live in girl friend and I split and she moved into her own house. 7months after she moved out we started talking and seeing each other again every 2-3wks. The abstinence thing didn't last long. We agreed to talk out our differences, work on ourselves but were never successful. Just couldn't come to an agreement. I wanted a girl that could shut down her career/boss biatch mode and give me what I wanted so I could be more engaged in our relationship and be more attentive/affectionate to her. She definitely had it in her but wasn't willing to dial her career back for me.

To answer your question, yes I think its worth a shot. When you cut out the sex and live separately it really gets your attention. You have more time for self-reflection, discussing issues, and you are more vulnerable and have incentive to work towards the goal of getting back together. With each case, I felt there was a lot more respect for each other being shown and less anger being directed in negative ways at each other.

But I also am a believer that most of the time when these deals get bad, they never go back together like they were at one time. Usually too much damage happens. Once the relationship gets contaminated, its like a cancer.

In both instances, you had the women move out. Is it possible that the act of moving out is what did the relationship in? From my end it makes it a little tricky to determine if it was the abstinence or the physical and, likely emotional separation.

Also, how was the initial reaction to your decision to be abstinent, and how often, if at all, did it continue to be a point of discussion between you and your partners? Was it total abstinence on your end, or did you fulfill outside the relationship?

I do agree that sliding into the counselor role was a mistake. It creates an inherent superiority/inferiority factor.

I think when going this route, it’s a self-preservation thing. I think the initiator is starting to help themselves clear their thinking and protect their emotions to the truth in front of them. It feels a little bit like the first stage of acceptance that something is over, but just broaching it.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Good question and I wonder how much different it is from something I posted on a different thread about waiting a bit to have sex with a new partner with whom there is potential for LTR?

Sometimes (not always) powerful sex can blind you to incompatibilities or differences and/or prevent you from emotionally connecting or recognizing toxicity when it's present.

It becomes ALL about the sex! And only about the sex.

Great it your goal is to spin plates but not so great it your goal is a mutually rewarding long term relationship, imo and experience.

As long as its not punitive. It’s an interesting question in that it can use withholding sex in the opposite way, to attempt to induce conformity into a belief system; but the game the withholder is playing can be beaten, and often is, typically by high school and college boys that are willing to tow the line long enough to earn her trust. I don’t think it should be a punitive thing, relationships shouldn’t be punitive.

If it’s for self-development, then the outcome of the relationship may end up reflecting a bond beyond sexual attraction, I would think.