Desire in LTRs

[AttackFormation]

Reading this post as of writing this thread: https://blackdragonblog.com/2013/09...ir-monogamous-men-even-more-scientific-proof/

I do take everything I read on the internet with detached skepticism, including that post. However as I've never been in a relationship myself I would like you guys' input. What have your experiences been? Will she probably keep desiring you if you remain a desirable man? or does remaining the man she became romanced in not make much of a difference? Someone in the comments section of that post brought up the point that these studies are based on average couples with average blue pilled men who have no idea that their lack of masculinity is turning the women off and what women really desire, which is why these studies are not conclusive for me either. To me, like I said even though I've never been in a relationship, my motto for them is (or I guess would be): respect and desire. You need both, and without either you won't have the other.

Now obviously, I am not talking about women who could never have healthy relationships because they have some mental disorder like cluster B. If your examples are of women who were BPD, psychopathic, narcissistic or whatever, that's not very interesting. Neither am I talking about relationships where the woman neither really respected or desired the man to begin with but just felt a need for a provider at some point. But, how can you tell those cases apart from when she wanted to be with you because she did respect and desire you?

 

[Billtx49]

Very good article. Female Boredom happens. He’s spot on with that issue. It’s why dread game and others promoting a man’s unpredictability designed to produce uncertainty and some insecurity in her work so well…

 

[Epic Days]

Regardless. The chemicals will level out. Better pick a good one.
The article aligns with my observations. It’s true.

 

[Epic Days]

Read the whole article. It’s no joke. It’s also why I don’t believe the most masculine man can thwart this biological phenomena. Here’s just some of the quotes...

“Yes! This is a mental issue, not a physical one. There is nothing physically wrong with her at all. That’s why if she divorced her husband (which most women end up doing) and had sex with a new man, all of a sudden she would be completely sexually healthy, both mentally and physically.“

“She’s been with her husband in a monogamous relationship for longer than three years. She still loves him, and her body works fine, but she no longer is sexually attracted to him. THIS IS NORMAL. THIS IS HOW WOMEN WORK. If you expect any different, you’re an idiot deluded by your own Disney desires.”

I’ve wanted to post on this subject but for most it’s just too much to accept.
It doesn’t necessarily mean she will leave or cheat but you wouldn’t place much money on the bet.

The worst part about this is she WILL become unhappy and even lethargic as well as distant. Her chemicals are off.
Then the stupid man will try to solve it or even start propitiating, supplicating and working to make her happy again. That’s the nail in your coffin. At the same time her state, just on its own, will knock you down if you aren’t one sharp character.

All you can really do is keep your dreams alive and let her follow or not. Welcome to fright night. A man’s worst terror manifested.

 

[Barrister]

In my experience, I have found that the easier you make things for and more secure you make a woman the bitchier and less sexual she becomes. I gave my ex-wife literally everything: financially and otherwise, and it got to the point spoken about in the article of sex about once a week and her laying there like a slug with zero desire when we did have sex (which made it incredibly unsatisfying of course). Post-divorce, I have been in a LTR and I found that the easier I made things, again the desire seemed to wane. However, the harder I made things by essentially just watching out for my own best interests and not making things easy (i.e. making her a priority over almost everything) the sexual desire increased.

This is not to say this was not met with a challenge about why I was being "selfish" or an "a$$," but the sex got a lot better (and more frequent), when I did my own thing, made things harder, or even flat out told her I would be done if things weren't my way. I am certainly not advocating to mistreat women, but I think always keeping the relationship challenging for the woman is key. I can see how if you are living together this could be almost impossible because you lack the freedom to issue real ultimatums like you do when you live alone.

As much as I wish it wasn't true, I think the article is spot on.

 

[AttackFormation]

In my experience, I have found that the easier you make things for and more secure you make a woman the bitchier and less sexual she becomes. I gave my ex-wife literally everything: financially and otherwise, and it got to the point spoken about in the article of sex about once a week and her laying there like a slug with zero desire when we did have sex (which made it incredibly unsatisfying of course). Post-divorce, I have been in a LTR and I found that the easier I made things, again the desire seemed to wane. However, the harder I made things by essentially just watching out for my own best interests and not making things easy (i.e. making her a priority over almost everything) the sexual desire increased.

This is not to say this was not met with a challenge about why I was being "selfish" or an "a$$," but the sex got a lot better (and more frequent), when I did my own thing, made things harder, or even flat out told her I would be done if things weren't my way. I am certainly not advocating to mistreat women, but I think always keeping the relationship challenging for the woman is key. I can see how if you are living together this could be almost impossible because you lack the freedom to issue real ultimatums like you do when you live alone.

As much as I wish it wasn't true, I think the article is spot on.

What kind of behaviors did they call you selfish/@ss/etc for, and you thought kept the relationship challenging for her? was it done while cohabitating, and with or without kids?

Come to mention it, being called things like c0cky, jerk or @sshole is how you know you're on the sexual track with a woman even outside of a relationship, so one would think it would be the same "good sign" for her to call you things like that when you're in one. The last thing you want a woman to call you is nice guy, great guy, and so on. They'll say they like a challenge too if they're particularly frank or can't help but admit it.

 

[zekko]

I couldn't read the whole article, but I see they try to frame this in some sort of sinister way.
IMO sure, women will get bored in a monogamous relationship, but no more so than a man does.
Wouldn't you get bored if you ate eggs for every meal?
But it's all a matter of degree. Obviously it helps to stay in shape, and put in effort, and if you each remain desirable to each other on some level.
In the end the relationship is either a positive or a negative for you (or her).

 

[Barrister]

What kind of behaviors did they call you selfish/@ss/etc for, and you thought kept the relationship challenging for her? was it done while cohabitating, and with or without kids?

Come to mention it, being called things like c0cky, jerk or @sshole is how you know you're on the sexual track with a woman even outside of a relationship, so one would think it would be the same "good sign" for her to call you things like that when you're in one. The last thing you want a woman to call you is nice guy, great guy, and so on. They'll say they like a challenge too.

Not sure being called a jerk during dating (in a playful manner) and being called a jerk in a LTR (where they are actually pissed at you) is always an apples-apples comparison, but I think there is some truth to that. I don't cohabitate with the woman I am with now which I think is invaluable in keeping sexual desire high. Other behaviors that have increased desire are making plans with my male friends whenever possible, always trying to find new hobbies/interests independent of the woman, and not being afraid to tell the woman I am walking away if she is out of line. The last in particular I have employed multiple times now and has led to great sex when we saw each other next. On the inverse, I again got in trouble at the beginning of the LTR (my first post-divorce) with one-itis and spending too much time with the woman and planning all my free time around her. It gave her too much power and led to decreased sexual desire from her.

I think it is easy to fall into habits of wanting to reassure the woman and make her feel secure. The irony is that this actually makes her not as attracted to you (in my experience).

 

[AttackFormation]

Not sure being called a jerk during dating (in a playful manner) and being called a jerk in a LTR (where they are actually pissed at you) is always an apples-apples comparison, but I think there is some truth to that. I don't cohabitate with the woman I am with now which I think is invaluable in keeping sexual desire high. Other behaviors that have increased desire are making plans with my male friends whenever possible, always trying to find new hobbies/interests independent of the woman, and not being afraid to tell the woman I am walking away if she is out of line. The last in particular I have employed multiple times now and has led to great sex when we saw each other next. On the inverse, I again got in trouble at the beginning of the LTR (my first post-divorce) with one-itis and spending too much time with the woman and planning all my free time around her. It gave her too much power and led to decreased sexual desire from her.

I think it is easy to fall into habits of wanting to reassure the woman and make her feel secure. The irony is that this actually makes her not as attracted to you (in my experience).

That thing about spending less time around her to do your own thing seems like it could be a no-win situation if you get kids. Do your own thing more and she could feel lonely and resentful that you leave her to take care of the domestics more. But be around more domestically and her desire drops. I guess in the first case you'd have to make sure she feels appreciated and get her opportunities to let her hair down from time to time too, and in the second that you still retain your polarity with her.

I'm willing to experiment with a LTR, but having kids is such a huge roulette wheel landmine. You don't know how it's going to change the relationship, and once you have them, your life will never be the same again even if you end the LTR.

 

[AJ84]

When couples stop dating each other it’s downhill from there, IMO, for both of them.

Laying on the couch, eating Cheetos and watching Netflix every weekend night, only going out as a couple to the supermarket or Home Depot, that kills the attraction. So does letting yourself go and getting fat.

Learning/ doing new things together is fun and can get the spark going, but also having interests and hobbies outside of each other so you spend time doing your thing, can make you appreciate the time you do spend together.

Yes the flame dies down somewhat when the new car smell wears off, I mean after you have f**ked a million times a million different ways it’s not going to be butterflies when you touch like it was in the beginning. However that doesn’t mean the flame has to burn out completely, only if couples let it.

That said, a good sex life for both is crucial. If one sucks in bed for whatever reason, the other will get bored even faster. Being open to exploring, communicating what each other likes and doing what the other likes is very important, and anyone can become good in bed, if they open their minds to it. And FYI having a big penis doesn’t make someone good in bed. Just putting that out there.

 

[AttackFormation]

When couples stop dating each other it’s downhill from there, IMO, for both of them.

Laying on the couch, eating Cheetos and watching Netflix every weekend night, only going out as a couple to the supermarket or Home Depot, that kills the attraction. So does letting yourself go and getting fat.

Learning/ doing new things together is fun and can get the spark going, but also having interests and hobbies outside of each other so you spend time doing your thing, can make you appreciate the time you do spend together.

Yes the flame dies down somewhat when the new car smell wears off, I mean after you have f**ked a million times a million different ways it’s not going to be butterflies when you touch like it was in the beginning. However that doesn’t mean the flame has to burn out completely, only if couples let it.

That said, a good sex life for both is crucial. If one sucks in bed for whatever reason, the other will get bored even faster. Being open to exploring, communicating what each other likes and doing what the other likes is very important, and anyone can become good in bed, if they open their minds to it. And FYI having a big penis doesn’t make someone good in bed. Just putting that out there.

Did you talk about these things with the men you've been with? When and how did you learn to "communicate"? (I put it in quotations because while it sounds great I'm skeptic to a woman wanting that, rather wanting a Mr Right who can simply read her mind). What do you remember when you think of good sex?

 

[Poonani Maker]

Read the whole article. It’s no joke. It’s also why I don’t believe the most masculine man can thwart this biological phenomena. Here’s just some of the quotes...

“Yes! This is a mental issue, not a physical one. There is nothing physically wrong with her at all. That’s why if she divorced her husband (which most women end up doing) and had sex with a new man, all of a sudden she would be completely sexually healthy, both mentally and physically.“

“She’s been with her husband in a monogamous relationship for longer than three years. She still loves him, and her body works fine, but she no longer is sexually attracted to him. THIS IS NORMAL. THIS IS HOW WOMEN WORK. If you expect any different, you’re an idiot deluded by your own Disney desires.”

I’ve wanted to post on this subject but for most it’s just too much to accept.
It doesn’t necessarily mean she will leave or cheat but you wouldn’t place much money on the bet.

The worst part about this is she WILL become unhappy and even lethargic as well as distant. Her chemicals are off.
Then the stupid man will try to solve it or even start propitiating, supplicating and working to make her happy again. That’s the nail in your coffin. At the same time her state, just on its own, will knock you down if you aren’t one sharp character.

All you can really do is keep your dreams alive and let her follow or not. Welcome to fright night. A man’s worst terror manifested.

Yeah my dad (died on his birthday 2016), was super alpha (yet he could Talk, talk, talk for hours even more than the women in the den or bar, or whatever venue- most "tough" guys are quiet). always hovered around 220 lbs 6'1" Very good-looking (almost as if he isn't even my dad but I know he is cause that's where I got my 20% Ireland from) looked like Nick Nolte but better or Robert Wagner in a way (but without the big D!ck I remember as a little boy peeing beside him at our first house 1980s). Even HE could not hold on to my mom, who was pursued by several men at her government workplace. One eventually caused her to cheat and lose interest in my dad (of course, he refused to work for a period of time that had something to do with it, he just stayed at home and fvcked around sleeping for a couple of years really pissed my mom off!). My mom's "best friend" (now she bad mouths her every time her name comes up and hates her) help drive a wedge (like Satan himself) between my dad and her. So boys, it was right in front of me, in my house growing up, ultimo-alphamo could not keep a very beautiful woman from growing tired of him. Of course, when he first met my mom, he just Moved right in with her one day, very bizarre just showed up at her apartment and said he's movin in. He'd met her at a bar a couple weeks before, then went off to university, then said, fvck this and quit moving back to find my mom, and go back working on the railroad with his dad and brother. He'd just gotten out of the Marines too.

 

[AJ84]

Did you talk about these things with the men you've been with? When and how did you learn to "communicate"? (I put it in quotations because while it sounds great I'm skeptic to a woman wanting that, rather wanting a Mr Right who can simply read her mind). What do you remember when you think of good sex?

As I got older (I’m 35) I got more comfortable talking about what I like sexually and asking and being open to doing what he likes sexually. When I was younger I didn’t have the confidence nor the comfort in my body do do that. That’s not to say that all young women don’t have confidence or comfort in their bodies, I’m just referring to my personal experiences.

You can learn what they like through sexual talking, flirting etc. It doesn’t have to be a sit down communication session with a note pad and pencil lol.

“Tell me how you like it.” sometimes it’s as simple as that. But the other person has to be comfortable enough to say how they like it. No one can read minds and women should not expect a man to just ‘know’ how she likes to get oral or just ‘know’ what sexual position gets her off.

Gotta sometimes step outside of comfort zones.

As an aside there was an article online interviewing porn stars. They said that the way they have sex on camera is not how they have sex in their personal lives because most of the time the positions and moves are set up for good camera shots.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Stripping away the confirmation bias here, I'd say that both s3xes are equally guilty. ''

If men didn't become as easily board, we'd all still be looking at the same centerfold in playboy magazine... and with no desire to turn the page or buy another issue.

Consistent s3x is nice, but predictable s3x isn't.

For women, it's probably more like "consistent feeling is nice, but predictable feeling isn't."

 

[Epic Days]

Stripping away the confirmation bias here, I'd say that both s3xes are equally guilty. ''

If men didn't become as easily board, we'd all still be looking at the same centerfold in playboy magazine... and with no desire to turn the page or buy another issue.

Consistent s3x is nice, but predictable s3x isn't.

For women, it's probably more like "consistent feeling is nice, but predictable feeling isn't."

This is social programming and is not observable inside reality.
You have some hard lessons coming.

 

[AttackFormation]

Stripping away the confirmation bias here, I'd say that both s3xes are equally guilty. ''

If men didn't become as easily board, we'd all still be looking at the same centerfold in playboy magazine... and with no desire to turn the page or buy another issue.

Consistent s3x is nice, but predictable s3x isn't.

For women, it's probably more like "consistent feeling is nice, but predictable feeling isn't."

I have this site bookmarked from many years ago. Here are a few articles talking about the difference between hot orgasms and pair bonding that you touch on here (worth the read imo as they provide a different perspective):

https://www.reuniting.info/normative_sex_fork_in_the_road

https://www.reuniting.info/lazy_way_to_stay_in_love

https://www.reuniting.info/how_to_talk_to_cupid

That site is full of (to me) interesting articles. Here's a huge article from the "science" tab, about orgasms, bonding and monogamy. You should check this out too @LARaiders85 . If I ever get into a LTR, I personally will view it as an experiment to observe and try these things out.

 

[Black Widow Void]

This is social programming and is not observable inside reality.
You have some hard lessons coming.

It was stated that humans without new stimuli become board. Also, stated is that men and women are typically wired differently (men being more se3ual and women more emotional).
You call this "social programing" and lacking realistic observation.

Explain.

 

[Epic Days]

It was stated that humans without new stimuli become board. Also, stated is that men and women are typically wired differently (men being more se3ual and women more emotional).
You call this "social programing" and lacking realistic observation.

Explain.

Your words:
“Stripping away the confirmation bias here, I'd say that both s3xes are equally guilty. ''

Your mind dubbed this in. It was not part of the article nor is it biologically correct. There are always exceptions but you said “equally”

That was inserted and nowhere in the study. In fact the article said just the opposite. Women don’t need your defense.
This is highly feminine and a socially inspired mindset. There is nothing equal. This sets men up to fail if they go into agreement.

 

[Epic Days]

I couldn't read the whole article, but I see they try to frame this in some sort of sinister way.

Ok you flunked. There was nothing sinister in it. In fact it supports a woman’s biology. I didn’t see one single attack of women or claim they were being sinister by actual act.

Her biology of sexual attraction wanes. She can love him to pieces. Admire him. Support him. But will still be biologically susceptible to search procreative activities outside her relationship.

We can call it boredom but as noted it’s the absence of the right chemicals for sexual attraction. Women can even feel guilty and force themselves into sex because it goes against the Disney “happily ever after” farce.

She can even have an affair and feel completely guilty and feel like a slvt but it won’t stop her from going to see him when he calls.

I’ve observed this phenomena many many times. Do they know they are doing wrong by the prevailing social moral codes? Of course she knows but her biological forces are pretty strong.

Reading an article is not the same as understanding an article and applying it to what a man has learned.

You also dubbed in your mindset to an article that was pretty straight forward and backed by many areas of input.

 

[Epic Days]

Living with a woman will accelerate the process. Let’s say you saw each other once a week. You could theoretically keep it going for years.

Some women will drop into this absence of chemicals within a few months. Others around three years. Much of this depends upon her track record. The more new partners she’s had the more her biochemical system requires the chemicals. Her whole life is about keeping those feelings going. It’s like crack. It is a true addiction. Women are extremely susceptible to it.

Women are breeding machines. No matter the age. No matter her situation. He radar for opportunities is ALWAYS on. The gene pool actually requires it. Obviously not all women will act in it.

The sad part is that husbands are in a very disadvantaged position.