Getting ahead of myself

[flowtheory]

Hey Guys,

I’ve noticed one thing I have a tendency to do with women whom I have a high interest in (which is rare) is that I get ahead of myself. Visions of what we can be. Romantic. Want to plan dates rather than just seduce them sexually. Picking out Christmas presents. Think about them throughout the day. Etc.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s like the early stage of developing oneitis. However it’s too soon, and I know that. And all the while I’m still spinning other plates. However when I’m with those other plates all I think about is the woman I have high interest in!

How can I take it back a bit. But first, why is this there?
Is it neediness or what?

 

[Ranger]

Hey Guys,

I’ve noticed one thing I have a tendency to do with women whom I have a high interest in (which is rare) is that I get ahead of myself. Visions of what we can be. Romantic. Want to plan dates rather than just seduce them sexually. Picking out Christmas presents. Think about them throughout the day. Etc.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s like the early stage of developing oneitis. However it’s too soon, and I know that. And all the while I’m still spinning other plates. However when I’m with those other plates all I think about is the woman I have high interest in!

How can I take it back a bit. But first, why is this there?
Is it neediness or what?

This is actually a natural inclination for men especially.
I know a guy who has slept with hundreds of women and will still do it sometimes. It depends on how deeply you connect or have the natural inclination to bond with this particular women.

Naturally the scene in your head won’t turn out to match reality after you sleep with her or get to know her. It can be fun but it can also be a trap.

What I do is realize it’s a make believe idea and enjoy it. As long as you know it’s not real, it won’t set-up as a fantasy/dream world that will bite you.

It’s when a man thinks what is in his head is real or that he can make it real that he’s headed for a thrashing. Use it to engage her.

“I can see us buying Christmas presents for each other, but mine will be too sexual for you.”
Let it sink into her. Your welcome.

In other words use that fantasy when you talk to her.

 

[Chi Town]

Nothing wrong with it, we all do it. Just don't let it control you and effect the way you behave.

 

[flowtheory]

This is actually a natural inclination for men especially.
It depends on how deeply you connect or have the natural inclination to bond with this particular women.

When I state rare high interest, it is along the lines that the deeper connection or natural inclination for bonding is higher; and not just in a sexual sense. That’s just a part. For me it happens on other levels. One in particular, a “dreamer vision” or my cerebral is highly engaged — only seeing her in the room.

With the average date or women, it’s easy to follow the DJ guidlines and act like Hitch; knowing what to do, when, how. However with these types it can be like carrying a thin flimsy plastic bowl with 25lbs worth of water filled right at the brim, whilst trying not to spill.

I know what you mean though, spinning plates just makes the quality girl look even better sometimes. With experience you should be able to keep your heard clear for a good 6 months at least before you catch the feels.

Definitely. Feelings illicted are way lower with normal plates. And I never have the drive to take them on dates. Usually it’s like organizing a business meeting, but in my bed. Yea I caught the feels already. Damn feels..

 

[Bible_Belt]

Picture her pooping.

 

[Roober]

We are social creatures to the very core, regardless of how much the educators of SS may disagree. It is only natural to develop some amount of feelings for someone after spending time with them; it is what makes us human. This could be with a man, woman, or child.

It doesn't always revolve around a sexual feeling, or a feeling of lust, but from a genuine care for that individual. This is especially true for people who share common interests and possess similar mindsets.

So that part is completely normal. The abnormal part, and where many men get lost, is the lust that comes with bonding with another person. It can be incredibly difficult to navigate. What helped me was defining unspoken hard rules, like keeping time spent together consistent (eg. 2-3 days a week), or minimizing meeting friends and family. While I do think hard rules are silly, it can be beneficial to help guide you along the right away.

Another key is determining how she feels about you. I personally believe a woman should always be more invested in a man than reverse. If you feel like you are more invested, than you likely are. As David deida says, choose a woman who has already chosen you!

 

[RangerMIke]

Hey Guys,

I’ve noticed one thing I have a tendency to do with women whom I have a high interest in (which is rare) is that I get ahead of myself. Visions of what we can be. Romantic. Want to plan dates rather than just seduce them sexually. Picking out Christmas presents. Think about them throughout the day. Etc.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s like the early stage of developing oneitis. However it’s too soon, and I know that. And all the while I’m still spinning other plates. However when I’m with those other plates all I think about is the woman I have high interest in!

How can I take it back a bit. But first, why is this there?
Is it neediness or what?

Yep... normal male tendency, and it is a habit you need to break.

Seducing a chick is done in stages, too many men she a hot girl and immediately think what it might be like to have her. Then the next thing they think is what do I need to do to 'get' her.

First you have to realize that there really is nothing you can 'do' to get her, if she doesn't like you, or finds you attractive in some way. You can not control this... it is totally and completely up to the chick if you pass the smell test. However, there are things you can do to fvck sh!t up. But fvcking sh!t up isn't necessary a bad thing if it screens out chicks that are not going to work for you. You are spot on correct in your analysis that you are indeed getting ahead of yourself. Here is how most dudes think:

See girl you like -> Get her.

It's really not that easy, this is how it really works:

See a girl you like -> Get her number or make a date -> She doesn't flake -> Date goes well you still like her -> Are you getting buying signals -> If yes make a move -> Get her.

You really should not be giving a chick any thought at all until you get her, because up to that point anything you might be dreaming up in your head is no where near guaranteed to happen. Don't even give her any thought at all until you close the deal.

Another thing that might help you is NEVER plan something in this process that you 'think' she might like in an effort to 'do' something for positive effect. Plan and do stuff YOU want to do. There is a concert you want to go to, get tickets and invite the chick, don't ask her if she likes the band or any BS like that. If she says no... she doesn't like that 'band' then fine... ask another chick. You'll find a chick that either likes the same things you like (good) or a chick that will go to something she doesn't like because she want s to be with you (Better), or she counters with something like "Come over to my place for dinner." (Best).

 

[flowtheory]

Picture her pooping.

I bet it smells of roses toooo

Women are a lot more interchangeable for some men than others. I have intellectual chemistry (my highest valued trait) with around 1/10 of the women that show me interest. If you don't value that then yeah most guys would be enjoying 10/10 of those women.

Yea man, i need that intellectual chemistry too.

Yep... normal male tendency, and it is a habit you need to break.

Seducing a chick is done in stages, too many men she a hot girl and immediately think what it might be like to have her. Then the next thing they think is what do I need to do to 'get' her.

First you have to realize that there really is nothing you can 'do' to get her, if she doesn't like you, or finds you attractive in some way. You can not control this... it is totally and completely up to the chick if you pass the smell test. However, there are things you can do to fvck sh!t up. But fvcking sh!t up isn't necessary a bad thing if it screens out chicks that are not going to work for you. You are spot on correct in your analysis that you are indeed getting ahead of yourself. Here is how most dudes think:

See girl you like -> Get her.

It's really not that easy, this is how it really works:

See a girl you like -> Get her number or make a date -> She doesn't flake -> Date goes well you still like her -> Are you getting buying signals -> If yes make a move -> Get her.

You really should not be giving a chick any thought at all until you get her, because up to that point anything you might be dreaming up in your head is no where near guaranteed to happen. Don't even give her any thought at all until you close the deal.

Another thing that might help you is NEVER plan something in this process that you 'think' she might like in an effort to 'do' something for positive effect. Plan and do stuff YOU want to do. There is a concert you want to go to, get tickets and invite the chick, don't ask her if she likes the band or any BS like that. If she says no... she doesn't like that 'band' then fine... ask another chick. You'll find a chick that either likes the same things you like (good) or a chick that will go to something she doesn't like because she want s to be with you (Better), or she counters with something like "Come over to my place for dinner." (Best).

In the early stages of dating. How often should the two people be messaging each other?
I've noticed with the rare chemistry woman I've mentioned above, we go 2 full days without messaging. But anytime I suggest a date.. Bam, she's totally open to it. Although she doesn't initiate texts or suggest dates. (we've only been out 4 times)

 

[Mazer]

I usually let her do all the texting and when she does I set up a date. In a way I am training her, if she wants to go out with me, then she knows she has to text me. I reward her reaching out to me with a date because after all, I am the prize. This is with high interest women.
As for women who don’t initiate but accept dates, this could mean two things based on my most recent experience, she is trying to game you as well, playing hard to get bs, she doesn’t want to come across needy or you are simply one of her plates.

 

[flowtheory]

I usually let her do all the texting and when she does I set up a date. In a way I am training her, if she wants to go out with me, then she knows she has to text me. I reward her reaching out to me with a date because after all, I am the prize. This is with high interest women.
As for women who don’t initiate but accept dates, this could mean two things based on my most recent experience, she is trying to game you as well, playing hard to get bs, she doesn’t want to come across needy or you are simply one of her plates.

I’m pretty sure her interest is pretty high; because in person it’s always a good time and in the initial stage she reached out in a pretty needy way which back fired.
I know I spark anxiety in her, the good kind (her words), and she’s a bit afraid to get in to anything too deep and doesn’t want pressure. She doesn’t sleep around and has only had one, one night stand and that was awhile back after her lengthy relationship. And her honesty seems legit. But who knows right?

I will hold out until she messages me. I don’t always want to be the one initializing everything. It’s a two way street.

Do women actually think the hard to get thing works? And trying not to be needy? Is their a greater reason they do this aside from the obvious?

 

[Mazer]

I’m pretty sure her interest is pretty high; because in person it’s always a good time and in the initial stage she reached out in a pretty needy way which back fired.
I know I spark anxiety in her, the good kind (her words), and she’s a bit afraid to get in to anything too deep and doesn’t want pressure. She doesn’t sleep around and has only had one, one night stand and that was awhile back after her lengthy relationship. And her honesty seems legit. But who knows right?

I will hold out until she messages me. I don’t always want to be the one initializing everything. It’s a two way street.

Do women actually think the hard to get thing works? And trying not to be needy? Is their a greater reason they do this aside from the obvious?

Always actions, never words when it comes to women. If she interested she will reach out. If she doesn’t, you know where her interest is.
Women get advice from their female friends, it’s usually the ones that can’t hold a relationship but are the first to give out dating advice. Women will also try to bring you into their frame by never initiating contact.

 

[flowtheory]

Always actions, never words when it comes to women. If she interested she will reach out. If she doesn’t, you know where her interest is.
Women get advice from their female friends, it’s usually the ones that can’t hold a relationship but are the first to give out dating advice. Women will also try to bring you into their frame by never initiating contact.

What’s the point of them not initiating contact; Do they even know about frame, or subconsciously they just like men vying for their attention?

 

[RangerMIke]

In the early stages of dating. How often should the two people be messaging each other?

Not much unless it's planning for a date... do all your selling face to face. This is what has always worked best with me.

I've noticed with the rare chemistry woman I've mentioned above, we go 2 full days without messaging. But anytime I suggest a date.. Bam, she's totally open to it.

Great... then don't waste your time texting, get to the point and make a date. I'm not a really big fan of texting... probability my age. But even the younger women I see love it when I call because it is so rare than men their age now a days will do that.

Although she doesn't initiate texts or suggest dates. (we've only been out 4 times)

Most chicks will not contact you first until you've been seeing them for a couple of months. When they start doing this, if you don't read between the lines and make a date to see her... she will drift off to some other dude.

 

[SoSuave666]

yall are thinking about texting way too much. Obviously be aware if you are being needy over the phone, but don't be afraid to reach out to women. In the early stages it's going to be hard to get them to always initiate with you. If you're 50/50 early on I think that's OK. You can pull away after you have good rapport with her and you've bedded her multiple times. Probably like the 1 month mark if you're doing things right. This will get her into your frame.

But the key is to be doing other ****. Don't sit there and text her all day, she has at least ten guys doing that regularly, especially if she's dating or on bumble or something. You're a man, you are texting her to set up dates ONLY. Text her something to initiate contact, get a text back, boom set up a date. It's not that hard. The more you analyze the more you are paralyzed.

 

[flowtheory]

Most chicks will not contact you first until you've been seeing them for a couple of months. When they start doing this, if you don't read between the lines and make a date to see her... she will drift off to some other dude.

Yea I only set up dates through text, maybe a bit of banter if it’s fitting, but not a ton of back and forth.

So you think the man should always be setting up dates and initiating texts?

 

[flowtheory]

They think so but they have anxiety issues and can't stick to it when high interest.

. So because she’s not messaging or initiating that means lower interest because she’s not experiencing the anxiety which would make her let loose?

Ignore all of this.

Sometimes women do tell the truth though? I know it’s actions over words. But sometimes it is to be taken at face value, no?

 

[TheProspect]

. So because she’s not messaging or initiating that means lower interest because she’s not experiencing the anxiety which would make her let loose?


Sometimes women do tell the truth though? I know it’s actions over words. But sometimes it is to be taken at face value, no?

After briefly skimming the thread, I would just tell you be aware that you're not starting to create an idealized version of her in your mind.

Sometimes when we spend too much thought on one particular girl we subconsciously tend to look for reasons why she's great and we may ignore or minimize any evidence to the contrary. I'm not saying this is the case in your situation. But I started seeing this 21 year old girl who recently got out of a 4-year relationship to a guy she allegedly lost her virginity to. I'm supposedly only the second guy she's slept with. Whether it's true or not, I don't know. There's a lot of good reasons to suggest she is being honest (clearly inexperienced sexually, reserved, doesn't get drunk, good parents, etc). But my point is if I take every word she says as gospel it becomes a slippery slope towards idealizing her, at least in my opinion. And once that begins to happen, in my experience, you'll emotional invest tenfold and you'll start making poor decisions because you just see what you want to see, hear what you want to hear, and believe what you want to believe.

In the early stages, I treat women with a healthy dose of skepticism. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt but I won't lean too heavy on anything they tell me. Which is more or less what I think @LARaiders85 was saying. If you're approaching this right mentally, then you should be able to date this girl for a few months before you invest too much emotionally.

Take what she says in the first few months with a grain of salt... not because she is an inherent liar, but because a lot of us on this forum learned the hard way lol. Like the thread title says, try not to get too ahead of yourself

 

[flowtheory]

1. Almost always. IME always.

2. If their statement makes them look bad it's true, if it's self promoting don't take it at face value.

But if they’re self-promoting to a man, then that’s a good sign. That would be disinterest if a woman were saying the truth around a guy..

After briefly skimming the thread, I would just tell you be aware that you're not starting to create an idealized version of her in your mind.

Sometimes when we spend too much thought on one particular girl we subconsciously tend to look for reasons why she's great and we may ignore or minimize any evidence to the contrary. I'm not saying this is the case in your situation. But I started seeing this 21 year old girl who recently got out of a 4-year relationship to a guy she allegedly lost her virginity to. I'm supposedly only the second guy she's slept with. Whether it's true or not, I don't know. There's a lot of good reasons to suggest she is being honest (clearly inexperienced sexually, reserved, doesn't get drunk, good parents, etc). But my point is if I take every word she says as gospel it becomes a slippery slope towards idealizing her, at least in my opinion. And once that begins to happen, in my experience, you'll emotional invest tenfold and you'll start making poor decisions because you just see what you want to see, hear what you want to hear, and believe what you want to believe.

In the early stages, I treat women with a healthy dose of skepticism. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt but I won't lean too heavy on anything they tell me. Which is more or less what I think @LARaiders85 was saying. If you're approaching this right mentally, then you should be able to date this girl for a few months before you invest too much emotionally.

Take what she says in the first few months with a grain of salt... not because she is an inherent liar, but because a lot of us on this forum learned the hard way lol. Like the thread title says, try not to get too ahead of yourself

True.


Well for now with this woman, I suppose I will wait for her to reach out to initiate a text and then I’ll plan a date from there. Currently it’s been two full days with no contact, which is kinda of a bummer because our last hangout was quite great.
Note: we haven’t had sex yet. Only heavy making out
Is waiting the best option in this case? Or should I always be planning and reaching out because we haven’t slept together yet? Or should I do what @Mazer suggested and wait

 

[RangerMIke]

So you think the man should always be setting up dates and initiating texts?

Yep... that is your job as a man. I suppose it is okay to ask a woman out by text.. I don't do this but sure, that's fine. But don't be surprised if she never answers you. If I call a chick and she doesn't pick she is either screening my call, or she is busy. I just leave a message for her to return my call... I don't ask her out by VM. If she doesn't return my call... I have my answer... she isn't interested.

The only time I will text is when I'm trying to coordinate times/places. I'll text an address and a time because that way she doesn't have to write anything down... she can just copy/paste it in a calendar or in Google Maps. It's more efficient.

After you've been doing this for a few weeks, she will be the one reaching out to you consistently... IF she really likes you. If she never does, no problem. If you want to keep seeing her because that is what you want, then you will have to be the one doing all the work. However, if you are crazy enough to try and make an actual relationship with a chick, then if she isn't into you so much that she is doing all the chasing you are wasting your time. If she never chases you anything lasting more than a few months is not possible.

 

[flowtheory]

That's like saying if a convicted burglar is nice to you and asks if he can come inside your home then he's a great guy lol

Funny. Kind of different though. But I’ve noticed when women are not interested, they are actually pretty open about their unattractive dating lifestyle or seeing other guys. However when a woman is actually interested she’s selling herself through words to the man. Makes sense. I don’t go around telling women how useless and horrible I actually am if I’m interested.. haha