I haven't updated this in awhile, but I feel as though I should update it because I feel as though my infatuation with this one girl has taken me off the path of self-improvement and I need to check in and get myself back in shape.
So since I've lasted posted, I haven't really been able to expand my friend group much, well at all really. I don't feel bad about it, my classes keep me very busy and I feel as though I have a rich social life inside of school so that keeps me satisfied. Also, I'm signing up for a youth group so that should help me meet some more people.
I've been hitting up the gym more, I haven't seen any improvements yet and overeating is still a struggle for me at school but I'll work on it. Do any of you have experience with counting calories? Does it work? My dad lost a ton of weight by eating less and attributed it to calorie counting but I've always stopped tracking after a few days and found it doesn't really help. Also, cardio or muscle for weight loss? I've heard both sides (cardio directly affects weight loss, having more muscle burns more calories and I don't have much muscle) but don't know what to do. I've been focusing on cardio just because I'm not experienced in a weight room.
SKIP THESE NEXT FEW PARAGRAPHS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR A REALLY LONG RAMBLING ACCOUNT OF MY FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH A GIRL BEING INTO ME
I've had an experience with a girl in school that has taught me a lot. She's really cute and has a cool personality, and I've been noticing her for awhile. A few weeks ago I started to flirt with her a bit but didn't pay her too much attention, and that weekend my friends and I were invited to a girl's house and she was there, and I got my first cuddle on (I know it's late lol) and felt her up a bit. After that I caught feelings, which I haven't done with a girl in over a year. I think it's because I'm not used to that level of physical contact, like I do kino and everything but for most guys a cuddle doesn't mean anything, and while mentally it didn't mean anything to me, it did mean something to the primal, sexual part of my brain I think. The next week I started to talk to her a bit more but I didn't want to start hanging around her too much, my school is really small and I've learned the dangers of spending too much time with one girl in that environment (you become "friendzoned". I hate that term.)
So that Friday my friends and I get invited to a girl's birthday, and this girl I'm interested in (let's call her HBH) is invited. The vibe isn't that good, so everyone decides to play truth or dare (I know this is some middle school **** but the people in this social group are all inexperienced and the proportion of guys to girls was really off - 8 girls and 4 guys) and I get dared to switch clothes with HBH. No problem, we go in the bathroom and talk a bit, then I watch her undress. Then I get undressed (I don't think she spent a lot of time watching, I'm working out for a reason lol) and we laugh and go back into our clothes and go back to the circle. Looking back on it, we were isolated and would've been a good opportunity go in for the kiss without having to resort to a game. The game gets really ****ty and I leave for awhile with one of my friends to play ping pong, but we come back 20 minutes or so later. Everyone has moved on to some kissing game instead where you're blind folded and you have to guess who is kissing you. My friend and I are stuck at this party and I'd never made out before, so I partake. It eventually becomes my turn and everyone chooses HBH to kiss me. She goes right in with her tongue, and I had never made out before, and apparently I bit her. ****. Then, it's HBH's turn and they choose me to kiss her, and I bite once again. I had never made out before and I didn't even know I was biting her. I need to learn to make out, but how?
Anyways, to sum up that last paragraph we saw each other undressed and I bit her when I tried to make out with her and she pulled away, which I'm worried killed the sexual tension I was building with her.
The next night my grade's student council organized an event at this trampoline place in town (it was really ****ing cool, if you have one in your area you should check it out. They're REALLY fun.) and she was there, but we didn't really talk much. When we did, I didn't get the same vibe I got with her before. Then again, the only time I really feel attracted to her and that she's really interested is when I talk to her one on one.
So fast two days to yesterday (Monday)... I'm still not talking to her much. When I did it felt good, but I'm worried I killed the sexual tension I had and I killed my chances of a sexual relationship with her. The same thing happened today, I only talked to her once. Talking to her more is an option, but I don't want to come off as desperate and I know that if I talk to her too much we'll just end up as friends.
So what I've learned from all of this:
-Despite my daygame skills and light kino experience, I'm really sexually inexperienced and need to work on that
-I need to work out
-I need to work on direct communication
-I need to work on being present in the moment.
I know I've overthought this a lot, but I don't know whether I should move on or not. On one hand, I haven't been this attracted to a girl in a long time and she was and still could be interested in me, but on the other hand I'm not sure how she feels and if she isn't interested then I don't want to spend my time and attention on her.
As far as upcoming events, I have a school dance this Saturday night where I could either go in with the intent of hooking up with HBH, or just have no expectations (which ended up with getting me nothing at the last dance).
GOALS:
-Either move on or actively pursue this girl
-Keep working out 2-3 times a week
-Eat smaller portions
-Go to a youth group event before the school year ends
-learn how to make out (how?)
-Keep my grades up
-try nofap for 30 days