Wow no contact is tough

[arutha]

So I've been in a LTR for the better part of 2 years, for the first 18 months it was fantastic and she was all over me. In the last couple of months... Well, she has been acting a bit like a b!tch. Actually, a LOT like a b!tch. Going out partying a lot more, ignoring me when she is around, not f*cking me much... I think I made a thread about it a while ago. Who knows, maybe I became a bit soft. Probably. Maybe I opened up too much. I genuinely thought (lolZ) that in a LTR both people supported the other in times of need, rather than us supporting the girl through sh!t and her running for the hills when we have trouble.

2 weeks ago, out of the blue, I initiated no contact, without a word to her. As she left my place after another weekend of hardly paying attention to me, I spat a sarcastic comment (thanks for another weekend of fun and spending time together *rollseyes) and she apologized for it and said she would contact me soon.

Mid week or so she invites me over for dinner. I tell her I'm busy and don't want to. She asks me when I'm free. I don't reply. I guess the ball is kinda in my court, all of a sudden we have gone from seeing each other every few days to basically nothing in 2 weeks. It is getting more and more tempting to contact her, even if just to make sure she is thinking about me still and blow her off for a bit longer.

Part of me wants to try to fix things, part of me has already moved on and is itching for new targets. I don't care what you 'masters' say, after being in a LTR and opening up to the girl, really getting close, falling in love, it is very f*cking hard to end it. Especially when there are career stresses in your life that you don't want to add to, for another month or so.

I'm keeping no contact, I will actually be a little bit free on tuesday night so I am thinking about messaging her on tuesday and asking her along to wherever I'm going to be on tuesday night, to see what happens. In the meantime, it is hard not to drop a message on facebook or whatever. And hard not to message about this weekend. I cannot remember the last time we didn't spend the weekend together.

 

[jophil28]

She is playing the game of waiting you out because she understands instinctively what YOU do not.
She has owned the frame for at least the last six months, and she also knows that the one who initiates contact now, surrenders power. She has acquired most of the power by default and she is damned if she is going to give it up by calling you.

Hard ball is what it is.
This should be a lesson to all you guys who become soft and "nice" in your LTRs.
Once your frame is damaged and a significant amount of power is transferred to her it is almost impossible to retrieve it. Best idea is not to allow it to slide across to her in the first place.

 

[jophil28]

I'm keeping no contact, I will actually be a little bit free on tuesday night so I am thinking about messaging her on tuesday and asking her along to wherever I'm going to be on tuesday night, to see what happens.

Doing this guarantees that you will be placed even lower on her list of priorities than you are now.
This plan of yours is a huge tactical error.

 

[arutha]

Yeah true, it must be noted that she has already tried to contact me and get in person, to which I have rejected. This having happened already is why I think contact during the week will be ok. But, emotion charged opinions are never as good as cold, hard logical ones. I want to tap this b!tch for another few weeks, then send her to hell when summer starts and never talk to her again.

 

[horaholic]

Agreed. Wait for her to make the move. In the meantime, start gaming women. You dont have to 'do' anything with them, if you feel like it'd be cheating, but go out there and make a few women attracted to you. It'll give you a much needed confidence boost. If you want to play the jealousy card, with your GF, go for it. I dont do that personally, but its up to you. Women are usually better than guys at that game though, so I avoid it. If she catches a small whiff of your pursuits, however, it will work in your favor with her.

Im sure others might disagree with me here, but I have found that other girls eat it up, when you bring up the "my gf is treating me like shyt, and Im really close to breaking it off." (But not in a pity party way!!!) I've found that it clicks an attraction button in other girls. It kind of goes against the 'rules' here, but it also triggers a response in your targets. They get a competition vibe, and if they are the least bit attracted to you, they will feel jealous, especially if you are telling them how gorgeous and seductive she is.

Despite going against the rules, I've banged several girls after telling them a little about my BPD ex, namely, how good the sex was, how hot she was, and how I treated her. This plants a subconscious message that you are high value, IF delivered correctly, while also sounding like you're 'over her.'

A few years back, my GF was treating me like crap, and I was close to breaking up with her, and this super hot bartender developed a MAD crush on me after hearing about her. She was giving me BLATANT SOI's. I would jokingly say something about tying her up, and she'd look me dead in the eyes and say "I'd let you." I developed a mad crush on this chick, but I never went for it, because of my GF. I dumped my GF a month later. A week before that, this bartender disappeared off the face of the earth, and I pined over this chick for a while, kicking myself that I didnt dump my GF sooner and go for her. To this day, she is one of very few girls that I have really wanted bad. The moral of the story here: If you happen to meet a rad girl while your relationship is on the rocks, and inevitably doomed, (like yours) GO FOR IT!

Good luck.

 

[spicker5]

You still have her.
Don't play games with her when deep down you don't want to loose her.

You think you have the ball in your court. Now what if she gets sick of your **** and stops contacting you and moves on. Then you're going to feel ****ed because no matter how badly you want to contact her, YOU CANT because she wont care.

 

[tonyrunkzz]

I would simply suggest be a man and simply make your own decision about what your going to do here , you should know somethings about your women about now and the best thing to do is think carefully about what your going to do.

She's already going to parties on the weekend i think paying less attention right now is only going to make her think right now your less interested. and am sure your here to see if you can try everything possible to save your relationship and bro the best thing right now to do is to calm down relax and follow your heart. nothing beats a failure than a try.

Bro be a man now and carefully examine your relationship see if you really wanna be with this women see if she is worth the trouble. you know her better than us so you should already know what you need to do , decision's are hard to make but be a man once and for most and make a decision everybody makes mistakes but i think you should know what to do from here .

 

[horaholic]

You still have her.
Don't play games with her when deep down you don't want to loose her.

You think you have the ball in your court. Now what if she gets sick of your **** and stops contacting you and moves on. Then you're going to feel ****ed because no matter how badly you want to contact her, YOU CANT because she wont care.

Take that garbage back to loveshack! She has obviously already moved on. the relationship has run its natural course. you cannot change a girls mind about it, all you can do is prepare, and counter. If she doesnt care, then they should break up anyway, and a girl will not get sick of your shyt, unless she already has low interest.

She's going to parties, ignoring him, and witholding sex, and I would bet money she's at the very least flirting with other guys. Thats what girls do when they party .She does this because she knows the OP will be there, and because she doesnt want to end the relationship until she has a firm grasp on her next branch. Theres nothing to examine here. She's over it. You can change yourself, not your partner.

OP, listen to the people here with experience. Ignore what the newbies are saying. They're still in the matrix. Spicker5 is obviously a female.

 

[spicker5]

Take that garbage back to loveshack! She has obviously already moved on. the relationship has run its natural course. you cannot change a girls mind about it, all you can do is prepare, and counter. If she doesnt care, then they should break up anyway, and a girl will not get sick of your shyt, unless she already has low interest.

She's going to parties, ignoring him, and witholding sex, and I would bet money she's at the very least flirting with other guys. Thats what girls do when they party .She does this because she knows the OP will be there, and because she doesnt want to end the relationship until she has a firm grasp on her next branch. Theres nothing to examine here. She's over it. You can change yourself, not your partner.

OP, listen to the people here with experience. Ignore what the newbies are saying. They're still in the matrix. Spicker5 is obviously a female.

The OP maybe a bigger female than me.
Make up your mind. Do you or Do you NOT want to be in a relationship with this chick.

If you don't, go complete no-contact and stick to it.
If you do, start talking to her again.

 

[arutha]

You still have her.
Don't play games with her when deep down you don't want to loose her.

You think you have the ball in your court. Now what if she gets sick of your **** and stops contacting you and moves on. Then you're going to feel ****ed because no matter how badly you want to contact her, YOU CANT because she wont care.

If her interest level is low enough that she moves on completely from my no contact, then it won't f*cking matter what I do it won't help. If she just moves on it saves me the time and trouble of rooting around trying to get it to work again. There needs to still be at least some interest from her still.

What I'd like is the relationship to be going well again, back how it was a year ago. That may or may not be possible, so right now I am getting some emotional distance so it is easier to completely break it off when the time comes.

Thanks for the advice so far. Good idea to start resharpening my skills on other targets, I'm a bit rusty now. Time to meet some more people. This is certainly the last LTR I'll get in for a while, what a waste of energy.

 

[Weezy]

If her interest level is low enough that she moves on completely from my no contact, then it won't f*cking matter what I do it won't help. If she just moves on it saves me the time and trouble of rooting around trying to get it to work again. There needs to still be at least some interest from her still.

What I'd like is the relationship to be going well again, back how it was a year ago. That may or may not be possible, so right now I am getting some emotional distance so it is easier to completely break it off when the time comes.

Thanks for the advice so far. Good idea to start resharpening my skills on other targets, I'm a bit rusty now. Time to meet some more people. This is certainly the last LTR I'll get in for a while, what a waste of energy.

Nice work catching this before it blew up in your face. I just went through the same **** but was blinded by her hints at marriage to think that I could really lose her.

Once that interest level has tanked, GL every getting it back up.

 

[JDA70]

I think your doing the right thing by not talking to her.

Do yourself a favor and start looking for another girl.
You've been in a LTR and now it's time for you to
go out and have so fun.

 

[arutha]

Well, looks like first skirmish goes to me. From a week and a half ago 'hey, do you want to come to my place for a while tonight?'
(the one that I said I was busy to then didn't reply further)

To a message today 'hey baby, how is your schedule looking tomorrow? Can I come and see you?'

Well, now she is making the trip instead of me. Now she is asking for my time.

I'm going to get back on the right path now and start being more assertive and taking more control. My problem wasn't so much suplicating to her I don't think, ie. I didn't start buying her stuff just because she asked I made her deserve it, and never stopped teasing her. My problem was I thought I could rely on a gf for support when I was down and exposed my depression to her. I was also stupidly, annoyingly indecisive.

In my mind, its basically over. For all I know she could be coming to see me for the dumping talk or whatever. So for now, I go back to being the cold a$$hole that people used to know and fear me as. If she starts acting like a cow, I'll treat her like one and tell her to go home. Be more of an ass. Really, I have nothing to lose at all. In the mean time, start geting out and approaching, sharpening me up again, and see what happens. I'll let her have another chance for a while, but I'm not taking any crap anymore and I'm starting to move on, giving her less of my time. Basically what I should have kept doing from the start when she was obssessed with me.

The Knew Guy: Being right at the end of my degree, I didn't want to go through a breakup and add stress to my already stressed life. Which is why I went no contact, to get rid of the stress. Any other time? Yeah I would have got closure. 3 weeks from now? Same. I feel more emotionally detached after the break, more responsible for my own happiness again, which gives me the upper hand.

 

[arutha]

In my mind, its basically over. For all I know she could be coming to see me for the dumping talk or whatever.

Hey lucky I didn't get my hopes up. She starts off by accusing me for not contacting her earlier, I reply with a shrug saying I was busy and didn't want to see her. But clearly, starting off with an argument isn't a good thing, so I was like what the hell 'I didn't want to see you because you've been treating me like sh!t lately'

So, we've broken up now. She was crying and stuff, and asked if we could still be friends. I said maybe in the future. I showed nothing, she said 'so now what?' I replied well, I'm fvcking hungry so I'm going to get some food. Since you won't be coming with me, goodbye I guess.

Glad I started knocking down my emotional attachment. I mean, it was 2 years, it still hurts a bit but no where near as much as if I didn't do the no contact and realise I was happy without her. She managed to do it like a week before all my honours stuff is due, stupid b!tch.

Well, I'm already hitting an online dating site just for sh!ts and giggles, better hit the clubs on the weekend. Time to learn how to get me some serious pus$y.

Anyway, your girl probably thought you were weak cause of the whole depression thing. Confident men who are in control of their lives don't feel depressed. If I was depressed I would not expose it to my girl. The whole "supporting each other" thing is b.s. Only in Disney movies. If you are depressed, your girl's IL will decrease. Every time. Its like a law of science. Women are the most f*cked up people on the planet.

Well, I knew that was the case in the initial dating stage. Hell she went through lots of crap last year, I fully supported her, I figured she would do the same. I know better now I guess. No more relying on women for anything. They're pretty useless.

 

[jophil28]

My problem was I thought I could rely on a gf for support when I was down and exposed my depression to her. I was also stupidly, annoyingly indecisive.

Well you found out a cold hard truth about women and how they apply their "love" - conditionally.

AS a man in an LTR , you can do all manner of stupid things and be 'forgiven' (now I am not condoning bad male behavior by what I am about to say ) I am about to make a point which most guys never have to consider, but nevertheless should be aware.

You have a better that even chance of 'getting out of jail' with her after you -

Cheat
Drink to excess
Lose your job
Flirt with her sister
Lie about your past
Wreck her car
Get arrested for drugs/tax evasion/ fighting or even spouse abuse.
...and so on..

..but she will never forgive you for expressing emotional instability or mental weakness.
You may have heard all that New Agey, hippy drippy girly crap about expressing your "feelings" and "opening up to her" or the old favorite,"open communication - no taboos"..
It is all garbage written by leftist loonies, whiny women and limp d1cks in the 'self help' industry.
Well ,when it comes to your feelings, she is only interested in ONE of them, and that is your AFFECTION towards her and how you express it.
Your other emotions are just a nuisance to her and mostly unwelcome.
Your anger is tolerated however because it has a masculine vibe.

However, when you are depressed, you occupy a weak and useless place in her life. Who does SHE lean on if you are leaning on her ?
Similarly, your indecisivenes is regarded by her as weakness by your not having the strength and courage to make a decision - woman hate making decisions. She expects you to take responsibility for those.

You have buddies or your priest or rabbi to "talk to" in times of trouble.
Your woman will never fill that role and neither should she, and she will rarely forgive you for placing her in that role or abandoning the role of " her rock".

 

[DonGorgon]

No contact is only tough when you dont have many other female options to focus on... Most women have 10 to 20 dudes chasing so its very very easy for them to go do other things every day and night and pout you out of mind and site..lol

 

[Weezy]

Well ,when it comes to your feelings, she is only interested in ONE of them, and that is your AFFECTION towards her and how you express it.
Your other emotions are just a nuisance to her and mostly unwelcome.
Your anger is tolerated however because it has a masculine vibe.

I don't think the importance of this can be over stated. Seriously!

Maybe it's just because of my own personal issues. But when I get comfortable in an LTR and am confident, a challenge, a ****. I often get lazy wit the the affection and it will cause them to look else where for it.

They need that ****, more than anything, and it's easy to take em for granted and not give it to them, which starts of vicious cycle of them being *****y and you wanted to show them less affection as a result.

 

[Weezy]

Weezy

Hey lucky I didn't get my hopes up. She starts off by accusing me for not contacting her earlier, I reply with a shrug saying I was busy and didn't want to see her. But clearly, starting off with an argument isn't a good thing, so I was like what the hell 'I didn't want to see you because you've been treating me like sh!t lately'

So, we've broken up now. She was crying and stuff, and asked if we could still be friends. I said maybe in the future. I showed nothing, she said 'so now what?' I replied well, I'm fvcking hungry so I'm going to get some food. Since you won't be coming with me, goodbye I guess.

Glad I started knocking down my emotional attachment. I mean, it was 2 years, it still hurts a bit but no where near as much as if I didn't do the no contact and realise I was happy without her. She managed to do it like a week before all my honours stuff is due, stupid b!tch.

Well, I'm already hitting an online dating site just for sh!ts and giggles, better hit the clubs on the weekend. Time to learn how to get me some serious pus$y.



Well, I knew that was the case in the initial dating stage. Hell she went through lots of crap last year, I fully supported her, I figured she would do the same. I know better now I guess. No more relying on women for anything. They're pretty useless.

Big fvckin props on how you handled this!

 

[arutha]

Big fvckin props on how you handled this!

Thanks man, I was pretty pleased with it. She looked quite shocked.

Anyway update.. I guess it took a couple days for it to sink in, I was perfectly fine when it first happened then got messed up. I guess I sort of relapsed as bit. Day 5, I broke no contact. I stood by the idea that regret feels worse than rejection. As long as I thought there was some chance of it still working, I would be tempted to contact her.

But I most certainly did not beg her to take me back. I rang her up (normally text her, even thats a change) and told her I was coming to see her. I got there and said 'I know you miss me, and I know you still love me and want me back, and I thought of all the great times we've had together and decided I'd give it one last chance'.

She ate it up, and we had a passionate night and shses promised to improve. Now I need to get back the decisiveness and be in complete control, and definitely not take any sh!t from her. I think I'm still going to start gaming other girls on the side anyway, just in case if it all blows up its much easier to deal with next time.

Success story from breaking no contact. So far anyway.. I think she expected me to beg her to come back, and that certainly would have destroyed all chances, but I didn't.