Women and your self-worth

[mahon83050]

I know this is a big no, no but I cannot help it. I do not mean to whine, but I come here to vent.

How does one forget about the past?

I am 27.5 years old and have never had a serious girfriend before. From what it seems 90% of the male population have had several g/f or are even married by the time they reach my age.

I am not hear to whine, but I am here to get some advice.

The thing is, the fact that I am this age and have never had a girl to claim my own eats me alive like a cancer. It makes me insecure and angry around women. I also seem to have an inferiority complex around my friends who have had more success.

I want to forget about my painful, lonely past and start with a clean slate. Everytime I try and do this though....I feel like I am in such a HUGE hole because of my lack of girfriends and the age I am at. PLEASE HELP!!

 

[Lifeforce]

Just answer some questions:

Do you hit on girls?
Do you work out and look fit?
Do you have a fun personality?

This is all you need, hit on girls, look good and have some form of outgoing personality.

I know how you feel, the desperation and all that stuff. You have to stop thinking about it, don't think about it at all. Try to put it behind you... focus on the moment. If you do stuff in your life then you wont have to think about it, the more time you have to think about it the worse you'll feel.

If you see yourself together with a girl, what is the things that keep you from getting her?

 

[mahon83050]

Well I have gotten alot better:

Up to about 22 years old, I was shy and rarely hit on girls.

I have had a history of anxiety and depression problems which have of course ruined my self-esteem and my chance with girls.

I do now realize though...Good looks, good bod, height and all that stuff....mean absolutely nothing if you do not like yourself.

Living at home hurts my confidence to, but I should be out soon.

 

[Scrumtulescence]

I seriously need to forget about my past, too. I grew up with all sorts of anxieties, battling a bit of depression in college and whatnot, and I have barely any past when it comes to girls. And even though I'm in my early 20s still (just turned 23), I feel like I totally wasted the best years of my youth. I've come a long way in accepting my loser past and just trying to make the best of the time I've still got, but I have a hard time getting over the fact that I have virtually no experience with girls. If it weren't for the mounds of literature I've read off the net (such as stuff on this site, ebooks like DYD and Without Embarrassment, etc), I'd probably still feel utterly hopeless. I must have come a long way, because just a little over a year ago I was convinced I would die a virgin, and now my mindset is "it's only a matter of time", and things have happened in the past several months that have given me great boosts in confidence in my ability to attract girls. I guess I just need to roll with it. But it's really hard to let go of my past....to forgive(myself) and forget.

 

[Lifeforce]

So what keep you from getting girls? What do you lack?

 

[Crank_It_Up]

Originally posted by mahon83050
...It makes me insecure and angry around women. I also seem to have an inferiority complex around my friends who have had more success...

PLEASE HELP!!

step 1) stop blaming women and your friends, since they are not the problem

 

[mahon83050]

Originally posted by Scrumtulescence
I seriously need to forget about my past, too. I grew up with all sorts of anxieties, battling a bit of depression in college and whatnot, and I have barely any past when it comes to girls. And even though I'm in my early 20s still (just turned 23), I feel like I totally wasted the best years of my youth. I've come a long way in accepting my loser past and just trying to make the best of the time I've still got, but I have a hard time getting over the fact that I have virtually no experience with girls. If it weren't for the mounds of literature I've read off the net (such as stuff on this site, ebooks like DYD and Without Embarrassment, etc), I'd probably still feel utterly hopeless. I must have come a long way, because just a little over a year ago I was convinced I would die a virgin, and now my mindset is "it's only a matter of time", and things have happened in the past several months that have given me great boosts in confidence in my ability to attract girls. I guess I just need to roll with it. But it's really hard to let go of my past....to forgive(myself) and forget.

We just need to start with a clean slate and forget about the past. Ask JESUS for help.

Think about it, the more we dwell in the past and our lack of *****...the more angry and depressed we get. The more angry and depressed we get, the more we will continue to repel women. The more we continue to repel women, the more angry and depressed we get. GET it NOW? It is just an vicious cycle that will continue, unless WE change our thinking.

 

[Lifeforce]

Originally posted by Scrumtulescence
I seriously need to forget about my past, too. I grew up with all sorts of anxieties, battling a bit of depression in college and whatnot, and I have barely any past when it comes to girls. And even though I'm in my early 20s still (just turned 23), I feel like I totally wasted the best years of my youth. I've come a long way in accepting my loser past and just trying to make the best of the time I've still got, but I have a hard time getting over the fact that I have virtually no experience with girls. If it weren't for the mounds of literature I've read off the net (such as stuff on this site, ebooks like DYD and Without Embarrassment, etc), I'd probably still feel utterly hopeless. I must have come a long way, because just a little over a year ago I was convinced I would die a virgin, and now my mindset is "it's only a matter of time", and things have happened in the past several months that have given me great boosts in confidence in my ability to attract girls. I guess I just need to roll with it. But it's really hard to let go of my past....to forgive(myself) and forget.

I know how you feel on this... like you have missed your youth, when everyone where 14-15 and partied for the first time doing all the crazy stuff and all the girls being sluts you had depression and it ****ed it all up... now afterwards the pain stings like you have missed it and you will never return to it. And how can someone like someone like me? This is how I felt and I have realized that those times were not as good as I came to believe, the girls were unexperienced and all that. The best time is 18-25 IMO, the girls are slutty and still fun. So you haven't wasted anything... your at the prime and the girls are standing in lines... You'll get laid with tons of girls...

 

[WestCoaster]

DJ Tip of the Day and other stuff

I get the DJ Tip of the Day and it's a good one. I'll post it here.

It takes some introspection, perhaps some individual counseling or at least some personal reflection, bounce some stuff off close friends, to improve things.

Couple things I'll throw out there:

1. Play the numbers game. The more people you ask out, the greater you have a chance in getting dates. And ask out the whole genre, from average to great looking women. Gotta start somewhere. You need swings at the plate.

2. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Women like light-hearted, fun-loving guys, and they're pretty good at reading body language and internal feelings from men. They sense when a guy is pressuring himself. Don't pressure yourself to get a girlfriend (Besides, having a gf is a bit overrated; dating is just as fun, IMO.)

3. Walk tall and proud, smile and say 'hi' at all kinds of people and women will notice this confidence. Do the DJ boot camp, it works a lot on interpersonal skills and I believe it's useful. You need to take baby steps in learning how to polish your interpersonal skills and go from there.

You've identified the problem -- which is more than 95 percent of the world can do -- now just start taking the baby steps. You're on your way, even if it doesn't look like it.

*********************************************

The DJ Tip of the Day:

TIP OF THE DAY


** It's Time to Toughen Up **


In the world of dating and in life, there's a concept that men need to
learn.

That concept is that things are not always fair. The simple fact is
that bad things are going to happen to you from time to time.

Some common examples of this in dating include getting dumped by your
girlfriend, having her cheat on you with someone, getting rejected by
a girl you're interested in, or sitting home alone on the weekend.

Too many people *****, whine, and complain when things don't go their
way. They sit around having a pity party all down and depressed.
It's time to start acting like a man and toughen up.

Don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself. You're not the first guy
this kind of thing has happened to.

Well, in order for things to get any better, you have to get up and do
something about it. Rather than wallow around in self-pity, it's time
to start making some changes for the good.

Start improving yourself in any way you can. Be more social and
develop your social skills. Get off the couch and work out a little
bit. Use this free time you have to your advantage. Take on some
projects and do some things that you've been putting off for a while.
Do something constructive.

There comes a time when you have to get fed up with living in
mediocrity and to start making some changes. Quit being such a wimp
and a crybaby, and be a man.

I'm sure that you've had some bad or negative things come against you.
You may have been mistreated. Regardless of your situation, the fact
remains that sitting around isn't going to do any good.

I want to challenge all of you today who are down, lonely, depressed,
and feeling like a total wimp to break out of that, and get going
again. Quit being upset over what's lost and move on with your life.

Today's a new day, and until you quit crying over what's lost, you'll
never experience anything new. So toughen up today and get out of
that rut.

 

[Scrumtulescence]

Thanks for the uplifting replies. Yeah Lifeforce, that is exactly how I feel. Although replace "14-15" with "nearly all of college" and you're dead-on. Even though I missed out on the 'good years', deep down I know I'm still really young, and I'm living really close to my campus in an apartment so I still have the college environment to take advantage of. Plus, lately I've been having tastes of a lifestyle that a year ago I would have NEVER thought I'd have. I just need to focus on how much things are improving....and maybe try to speed it up a bit.

I think my biggest problem is lack of connections....if only I knew more people, I'd have easier acces to meeting girls and getting invited to parties and stuff.

 

[Lifeforce]

Originally posted by Scrumtulescence
Thanks for the uplifting replies. Yeah Lifeforce, that is exactly how I feel. Although replace "14-15" with "nearly all of college" and you're dead-on. Even though I missed out on the 'good years', deep down I know I'm still really young, and I'm living really close to my campus in an apartment so I still have the college environment to take advantage of. Plus, lately I've been having tastes of a lifestyle that a year ago I would have NEVER thought I'd have. I just need to focus on how much things are improving....and maybe try to speed it up a bit.

I think my biggest problem is lack of connections....if only I knew more people, I'd have easier acces to meeting girls and getting invited to parties and stuff.

Hell, then it's smooth sailing from now on... It's so uplifting knowing that you would never recognize yourself if you ever met your past you. Good luck anyways, try doing the bootcamp, it will probably help you alot.

I recognize this thing about connections and IMO the best way to get more connections is to get out and talk to people, act like the male ideal and they'll look up to you.

 

[frivolousz21]

first off..id like to say thanks to everyone here.

I am 22..and when I came here I thought OH NO whats going on in my world.

now I realize where I really am. Ive always been a natural DJ...until I took up smoking weed everyday for a yr.

but as for you..It doesnt matter how old you are, what the past has been.

its over..as of 1:29 CST..its over

good luck

 

[Doc73]

I am in the exact same boat in a way. I am in my late 20s, early 30s and I have never been in a serious relationship. In fact earlier this week I finally got laid, my first sexual contact of any kind in TEN+ years.

I'll admit sometimes not having the type of experience with relationships that my friends have does bring me down a bit (ok a lot), but I have been spared a lot of the pain that I have seen them go through. Almost all of my friends are real ****y and funny when they meet a chick, but once they start sleeping with her they turn into total AFC's. I am glad I found this site when i did so once I do get in a relationship, I won't make the same mistake.

That being said, this site has literally changed my life. Instead of saying crap like 'poor me, i dont have a girlfriend, poor me I cant talk to women, poor me I cant get laid', I think "Ok, how can I improve myself so that not only women, but people in general are attracted to me'. In the month that I have been here, I have a much greater sense of confidence. Things that used to put me down, I shrug off like nothing happened and I have been practicing my eye contact and conversation skills whenever I can. I am still incredibly shy in some situations, and I still have problems talking to women, but take it from me that I am a completely different person compared to year ago much less a month ago.

 

[mahon83050]

Originally posted by frivolousz21
first off..id like to say thanks to everyone here.

I am 22..and when I came here I thought OH NO whats going on in my world.

now I realize where I really am. Ive always been a natural DJ...until I took up smoking weed everyday for a yr.

but as for you..It doesnt matter how old you are, what the past has been.

its over..as of 1:29 CST..its over

good luck

I hear you man, past is gone. Act like it never happened since it is gone. Remember, keep the vicious cycle thing in mind.

 

[MetalFortress]

Mahon, youve been posting at this board for four and a quarter years. You've read all there is to read. You have to go out there and do it. That's all there is left. Go do some approaches. Screw around, try to have as much fun as possible.

 

[Befuddled]

hmmm... i guess i know where youre coming from. It's hard to explain where im at. but i know where i was...... not in good shape, introverted extremely self conscious and unsure of myself(lack of confidence). u know what i'm talking about. Add to that... my friends around me getting with different girls every week, and i end up getting caught up in a one-itis situation.

You know..... im sure youve heard this before. "Women wontm ake you happy", blah blah blah.... i agree with it. I think people need to be needed....they like the idea that others of the opposite sex want them. This site tries to provide ideas for doing just that.

Personally.... about 2 years ago just let go, and fogot about it all.Kinda hard to explain.... i just got tired of worrying about it i guess. That made me a lot more easy going and loose.... made some good friends along the way and i found a great hobby/passtime/refuge.... which i got into cause i always wanted to. Funny enough..... the women followed. Not that it matters...just happened....

 

[MrCode]

I think you will find a lot of similar stories among the guys who frequent this site. Mine certainly is. In my case I was lucky in that I had no serious depression issues, though I certainly had my down days like anyone else. My main problem was fear of my own sexuality and of just being a man, thanks to years of societal brain washing. But I kept myself busy with school and work, and at least made something of myself. But about a year ago I decided I needed to get this part of my life handled.

I've made a lot of progress on the inside, changing who I am and becoming proud to be a man. But I still lack some of the outside skills I need to be really successful with women. But I think doing the DJ boot camp with help me with that.

To more directly address the original post, I think it is important that you forgive yourself for not living how you may have wanted to in the past. In addition, you must try your best not to be angry at women or your friends because of your own misfortune, as it is primarily your own fault. But as I said above even if this was your fault, you cannot change the past and you must not beat yourself up over it. Just move on and realize that you are making an effort to change just by understanding that you need to. If you can transform that understanding into action and persevere through the tough times ahead, you may be surprised at the man who looks you in the mirror when you have completed your journey.

 

[comic_relief]

26 and never had a girlfriend... very depressed

a good read for newbies or people who never had a girlfriend and are looking to turn there life around