Why you suck at life

[everywomanshero]

I realize I haven't met all of you, but if you suck at life please allow me to take a wild guess why... well, actually it's not a wild guess at all, but I am looking at statistically significant reasons why life tends to suck for people.

1) A lack of social support. You don't have really good friends you can trust and you aren't genuinely friends with many women. No, talking to a couple on the Internet doesn't count. I am talking about having real, lasting interactions with people in person, face to face on a regular basis. Guys you fish with every friday or gals/couples you meet for pizza.

2) You have untreated depression or anxiety. No, listening to Guru X's advice on social situations isn't going to make you suddenly feel OK. If you're not OK with yourself, you will be fighting an uphill battle to interact well with others.

3) You spend time thinking about how unfair things are and little time actually doing something that could improve your situation. Pessimism is not a friend.

It would irresponsible to point out these flaws without saying there is another way forward. As the self-help people like to say, the past does not equal the future. You can create a new cycle, one where social support comes in all flavors from hot chics to taking time to talk to those war veterans at the local park to going on a trip with family members you've long lost a bond with. You can decide to look on the bright side today and actually take some kind of positive action that will make things better.

I find extreme people tend to think it's either all or nothing. They either have to try to pick up a girl under the worst circumstances using some crap they read online or sit at home alone and when they think about how horrible the results were from the former guess which one they usually choose. To me it';s much better to be in a constant state of mingling. I am always looking for pleasant interactions with others. Besides you never know when some chick will have a freaky little secret like her hubby is in a wheel chair and needs someone to bang her. Spread yourself around and get to know all kinds of people. You increase your social support which leads to a better outlook on life and more sex to boot. Getting out the house is important, but getting out of the house with the right attitude/understanding is even better for immediate and long term results.

 

[Kerpal]

1, 2 and the first half of 3 apply to me.

I was wondering what you would suggest in terms of "getting out of the house" when someone doesn't have a social circle to begin with. Get out of the house and go where? Who would I go with? It seems like you have to have friends in order to make friends... how do you even get started if you don't have any to begin with?

 

[bigjohnson]

I always refer to #3 as victim mentality. Do you see yourself as the actor, or the person being acted upon? Try to view yourself as the person taking action and the person responsible for the outcome.

Stop blaming other people or factors.

"I can't retire early because the uber-rich have all the money"

 

[FairShake]

1 is a big one for ALOT of men. I consider myself lucky that I have a handful of friends that I can talk to and spend quality time with every so often. And not just guys to have a beer with and look for women. Friends.

Not having a positive support circle of friends and/or family in your life can really mess up your view of people and relationships. Lack of success and loneliness reinforces itself and you can develop bitterness and a closeminded attitude. And this, of course, leads to further removal from positive social interactions.

 

[everywomanshero]

Kerpal, there are a number of options. Pick the one you will actually do! It could be as simple as going to a church or other spiritual center. There are always females in those things. If you want some chick whose a little different then go to something new agey, if you want a more traditional woman then go to a church Synagogue or whatever is appropriate for you. Go to one that has at least 100 people. You can also troll for chicks online to hang out with. Even if they are UGs, they will have friends who may not be. That will get you rolling with both dates and people to hang out with. As far as meeting guy friends, base that on activities. Guys bond through doing things. Look on craigslist under activities. You can join a sporting club like running, climbing, or freesbe. You can find people to go fishing or hunting with on fishing and hunting forums. I could give you more ideas but really just those ideas alone would give you more leads than you could ever follow up on.

BJ, I agree too much focus is on blaming others and not enough on generating solutions.

FairShake, I remember a study on divorce outcomes that found women maintained social support networks while men tended to grow dependent on their wives for such support. Of course, post divorce this didn't work out well for the men.

 

[Galactus]

This is an excellent post, but I feel the need to point some things out.

I have depression, and it is "untreated", and I realize that it will probably cause me problems for the rest of my life. But I don't agree with most treatments. I remove myself from depression almost always by sheer force of will. I recognize the thought processes that have brought it on, and I tell myself that it is all manufactured in my own head, and I come out of it. In the rare cases when it hits me hard, it still never lasts longer than a couple hours.

During those depressed times it is hard to be productive, but when it subsides the productivity resumes, and I'm back to normal, whatever that is. All in all, I'd say I spend at least 85% of my time feeling damn good about myself.

I have a relative who has "treated" depression. He is a wreck. He can't find the right combination of pills, in the right dosages, to make himself feel better. He sleeps all the time he is not working. He has absolutely no social life. You can't force him to go out for a beer, or to meet someone new. Every little defeat just reinforces his belief in his unworthiness. He offers no support or compassion to his friends and family, has tics from his medication, and he locks himself away in his house. He is lonely and sad, and nobody can do anything for him, so he will likely be this way forever. I will not end up like that, because I know I have the power to change myself.

Kerpal, there are ways to get a social circle, but to really build it might require a lot of patience. One way is to go to local events (even if you have to go alone) and just start talking to people. Get used to being friendly and open with people. Maybe you'll meet someone, maybe not. Try auditioning at a local community theater, join a gym, or audit a class in something. Find an activity where you will be involved with a circle of people that you're likely to see on a regular basis.

Something I did was to go on meetup.com, where I found a local group that had a shared interest with me. I met a woman there who ended up becoming one of my best friends (and just a friend), and she introduced me to other people who share my interests. I got involved in my community, thanks to meeting her, and now my circle of friends and women is constantly growing. But it takes time. And a lot of patience.

Get to know your neighbors, and bite your tongue when you're about to get all opinionated. ("Abortionists and immigrants should burn in the fiery pits of Hades! By the way, Mrs. Wilson, your lemon meringue pie is fabulous!") Think of how you can be of service to other people. Ask them if you can help them with stuff. People will often be negative, and you might feel the need to strangle them, but don't take things personally. People will test you constantly. Pass the test every time.

My biggest stumbling block is my family. I can't seem to rid myself of these bloodsuckers. I have been bombarded relentlessly throughout my life with their negativity and defeatist thinking. I would love to know how to get these people off my back. All I can say about people who have this kind of "support" is: Don't try to change them. You won't. Change yourself.

 

[randalll]

All I can say about people who have this kind of "support" is: Don't try to change them. You won't. Change yourself.

One of the most important things you can learn

 

[Solomon]

This post is simple yet profound

This applies to everyone but number 3 especially to all the "Big Jimbos" out there, instead of "stepping your game up" and meeting women, guys rather bish about looks/how American women suck/ and anything else that doesn't hold accountability for themselves to step their game up.

Guys need to stop looking at thinks so negative, negativity doesn't attract people espeically women, and if you do attract women then their probably fucced up as well. Positive mindset helps not just with women but in life period!