why mystery is a bad strategy

[joekerr31]

we talk about using 'mystery' to attract a woman, so i thought id take a brief moment to explain why mystery works (in the short term).

mystery works because it turns you into a blank canvass upon which a woman can project her fantasies.

when you are mysterious, she isn't so much attracted to you since she doesn't really know who you are (if she does then you aren't being mysterious)

as such it allows her to 'imagine' who you might be. and as is human nature, she will project her own fantasies about who you are - the type of man you are, etc.

mystery works in attracting women, but it does so because it allows them to fool themselves about who you are.

the problem with this method is that you have now created competition for yourself. and its not another man, but rather YOU - or rather the YOU that she now fantasizes that you are.

as time goes on, and the real you emerges, she is now comparing the real you against the 'ideal' or 'fantasy' you that she imaged you really were.

this is a big reason why some guys using mystery are able to lure the women in, only to lose them a week, a month, or a year later.

a smarter strategy, as i often espouse, is to become the ideal. to be your authentic self. you may catch less women that way, but the ones you do catch will actually grow fonder of you as time goes on as they become more assured that the bill of goods you were selling was the real thing.

being 'mysterious' is actually the opposite of confidence. its the equivalent of a woman who spends 3 hours doing her make up to look her very very best. while it does work one cannot keep up the illusion forever.

just something to think about.

 

[Metro3pilot]

I agree

:rockon:

 

[Gerard-890]

JoeKerr,

Excellent post, just to add additional conversation.

Mystery should be described more as:

1.) An intriguing person without a "common" nor "generic" description of WHY a person is intriguing.

In other words the woman asks herself, "Why am I attracted to him? What is it about HIM that is making me so attracted toward him?"

Inner game is what makes a person this attractive, because inner game is a result of a internal spiritual connection (a sort of tantric love) that isn't explained by external generalizations.

The true DON JUAN is the person that can attract women through an internal spiritual connection rather than an external physical connection.

Not only does the "mystery" of WHY I am attracted to him is present in the woman, but it will also be in the surrounding guys as well. They will ask, "Why is she so into him? What is IT about him?"

The surrounding guys who don't understand inner game and connection through spirituality will mimic the EXTERNAL BEHAVIORS of the guy in an attempt to win over the woman.

For if the guy in question has a 6 pack of abs, they will stay in the gym into they develop some.

For if the guy in question has great facial features, they will work on their face until it's "right" or develop low self-esteem and a defeated attitude because they can never have such "great looks."

For if the guy in question makes a lot of money, they will go out and become "financially stable" first then go after women.

For if the guy in question is a jerk or a bad boy or a thug, they will go out and develop "hardcore" personalities to mimic the "attitude" and "look."

For if the guy in question can dance, they will go out and try to become great dancers.

For if the guy in question walks like Donald Trump, they will watch the Apprectice over and over until they develop his walk

When they do this, even though they are doing the same EXTERNAL actions as the guy they were mimicking, the woman will ask herself, "This is strange. He ACTS like "(the first guy)" but for some reason I'm not as attracted to him??"

So in conclusion, mystery is just internal spiritual connection. What is sexuality but a connection of the spiritual between the two genders? A highly sexualized man should feel a strong internal connection with ALL women on a sexualy basis. And for some strange (mysterious lol ) reason, women feel that same internal connection.

That internal connection is why fat guys, frat guys, thugs, jerks, losers, poor guys, and any other non-attractive PHYSICAL guy will and can get an attractive young lady.

The young lady and every body else in the surroudning area will be totally unknown to the fact as to just WHY and HOW this guy has snagged her.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yes.

I definitely agree.

No soldier can win a WHOLE war while wearing camoflauge-----ONLY a certain amount of battles...

Being the BEST "you" that you can be, as opposed to just hiding behind a mask of mystery is the most reliable protection a man can have against being devastatingly rejected at some later date.

It makes the woman feel "fooled, or tricked," whenever she finally sees that the man behind the curtain is in fact, NOT the Wizard-------but a cipher, or an actor, or WORSE-----a coward who has been afraid to "be himself". This is what the PUA community has dubbed as a woman experiencing BUYER'S REMORSE.

Understood, this is the Mature Man Forum, so I trust that everyone here at least knows that it IS safe to be yourself around women AFTER you have thoroughly internalized the lion's share of the knowledge of what it is to be a real, masculine man as we define it on here.

But now having said that, I think there is a difference between being a "mock" mystery as opposed to being a man of self-control-----a man who knows how, when, and in what ways to appropriately reveal more of himself to the woman in his life over time.

Wouldn't it still be wise to, for lack of a better word "RATION" out who you are, as opposed to vomitting it ALL up to her on, let's say----the second date?

And I'm not saying that that's what you're implying AT ALL, JOEkerr. But you and I have BOTH been "soldiering" on these forums long enough to KNOW how many here just love to misunderstand some of our points ON PURPOSE. :crazy:

But what's YOUR take on it, JOEKerr (and all the rest of you troops, as well)?

 

[Desdinova]

I somewhat agree with what you're saying here.

A woman's fantasies can definately get the best of her. This is why if you meet her online, you need to meet with her in real life as quickly as possible. A woman will fantisize about the guy's voice, his appearance, and even his body language. The longer you stay online with her before the meeting, the more she will set herself up for disappointment when she meets you face to face.

Now, on the subject of mystery, I'd have to disagree that it doesn't set her up for disappointment. A woman will react to how you make her feel. If you can make a woman feel excited about ANYTHING and have her feel attracted to you, she won't give a damn if you're a garbage collector or a doctor. What matters is how you make her feel.

Women fantisize a lot, but they're most likely going to fantasize about activities the both of you can do, including how good you are in bed, and how you make her feel during those activities. She's not going to fantasize about your income, the car you drive, or anything material.

 

[Gerard-890]

I don't know, I still think "mystery" is more about being ATTRACTIVE without anybody being able to EXPLAIN IT.

Of course another portion of mystery is "a person not knowing much about you personally" but I don't think THAT is what makes a "mysterious" person attractive.

I think it's the entire "it's something about him" thing that I believe comes from strong inner game.

 

[grinder]

I think we need to split hairs a bit in that I believe there are differing definitions of what mystery is.

I think many assume the “blank canvas” methodology is what is meant, and on this point I agree with Joekerr31 that as the painting is revealed over time it is not the masterpiece she’s imagined.

BUT, that’s not the purpose. The “blank canvas” is purely a PUA tactic intended for short term gains, get her into bed as soon as possible. It works, but don’t expect a LTR out of this.

I believe in mystery in small doses to build anticipation and attraction. I am fortunate to have done many things in my life and I have many great stories. So as a good story-teller I build some suspense and anticipation in slowly revealing my life. I’ll drop a nugget out occasionally, and hell, some stuff I just plain don’t remember until we are in a conversation down the road in the relationship.

I do the same with her, women love to be mysterious and keep secretes and its fun to probe their worlds.

A good story-teller never spoils his own story.

 

[Bible_Belt]

this is a big reason why some guys using mystery are able to lure the women in, only to lose them a week, a month, or a year later.

Who cares? Do you honestly give a sh!t about your long-term future with a new woman you meet? I don't. I just want to fvck her as quickly and as much as possible.

I'm surprised that 'just be yourself' is considered good advice. I could not disagree more. If that advice worked, this site would not be here.

In my own opinion, and I mean no disrespect at anyone here, 'just be yourself' is the worst advice in the world.

 

[joekerr31]

the only problem being is that i didn't say to 'just be yourself' i said to be the ideal, to be your authentic self.

become a mature, confident, independent man. then you won't have to pretend to be something you aren't to get women.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I think guys who are not successful need to use every trick they can get so that they can get some success, which generates confidence and independence. All is fair in this game, and the women of the world are certainly not pulling any punches.

I also agree very much with what you said first:

mystery works because it turns you into a blank canvass upon which a woman can project her fantasies.


and I don't think that mystery ever has to fully go away, even in a long marriage. Even your wife does not really want to hear your every thought and feeling. She wants to wonder. That need does not change from the first date through married life. Obviously over time, she will know you better, but that does not mean that a guy should ever completely give up on being mysterious. I think mystery is important in a LTR.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I think guys who are not successful need to use every trick they can get so that they can get some success, which generates confidence and independence. All is fair in this game, and the women of the world are certainly not pulling any punches.

While I agree that there's a lot of guys out there who need tricks in order to get an immediate "win" but those aren't usually the guys that build up their confidence or independence. These are the guys who once they use a trick successfully they are typically hooked into finding the next trick in order to become more successful. They're actually less comfortable doing something independently because they're afraid of doing the wrong thing and losing the wins that they have achieved. We've seen it in the forum countless times, "I NEED HELP QUICK: I've done this and she's said this, now what do I do??!!!"

and I don't think that mystery ever has to fully go away, even in a long marriage. Even your wife does not really want to hear your every thought and feeling. She wants to wonder. That need does not change from the first date through married life. Obviously over time, she will know you better, but that does not mean that a guy should ever completely give up on being mysterious. I think mystery is important in a LTR.

I think mystery is overrated and most men misunderstanding of the concept misuse mystery as a crutch for not being engaging. I do agree that women need to be kept interested in order to sustain a relationship though. A man having a depth of character which is interesting and communicated will usually keep a woman more interested than having her sitting around not knowing who you are and asking questions like "What are you thinking?"

 

[reset]

A man having a depth of character which is interesting and communicated will usually keep a woman more interested than having her sitting around not knowing who you are and asking questions like "What are you thinking?"

I think girls see you as mysterious just for the fact that you can hold back a little and not always be blabbing. I really don't talk that much and am called "mysterious" but when I am saying something I totally engage the chick. I just don't have to always be talking and and I don't have to talk about myself all the time either. And if she says something not interesting I may just let it die out and not respond at all.

But I'm more interested in finding out her opinions and turning them around on her in a fun, playful way.

Sometimes you have to be able to "step outside" and observe the situation while you're actually in the situation. Otherwise you wear your heart on your sleeve and you're an open book.

 

[frivolousz21]

I think mystery is really messed up.

Id rather be bad ass then be playing games to get attraction

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...But I'm more interested in finding out her opinions and turning them around on her in a fun, playful way.

Excellent strategy!

...
Sometimes you have to be able to "step outside" and observe the situation while you're actually in the situation. Otherwise you wear your heart on your sleeve and you're an open book.

:yes: Absolutely correct. Too often guys are so wrapped up in their own reality, they're oblivious to what's going on around them. They're so busy planning their next move that they miss the point that the move that they've planned is no longer viable to what's going on. They're too busy planning than being in the moment. This is what causes much of the blathering guys do. They think about a situation so much that they can't contain themselves and they begin to spew.

 

[reset]

Excellent strategy!

Yeah, that back and forth of trying to kind of "one-up" each other is a lot of fun, because you're both laughing and enjoying yourself, and her attraction increases because she finds herself qualifying herself to you.... and you can actually see the enjoyment a girl gets from being in a situation where she has to qualify herself to a sharp guy who's giving her a fun, GOOD NATURED ribbing.

I used to be the guy that just treated it like a job interview (qualifying yourself to her) and somewhere I just realized it works out better if you just act like kids and tease each other instead.

 

[guru1000]

we talk about using 'mystery' to attract a woman, so i thought id take a brief moment to explain why mystery works (in the short term).

mystery works because it turns you into a blank canvass upon which a woman can project her fantasies.

when you are mysterious, she isn't so much attracted to you since she doesn't really know who you are (if she does then you aren't being mysterious)

as such it allows her to 'imagine' who you might be. and as is human nature, she will project her own fantasies about who you are - the type of man you are, etc.

mystery works in attracting women, but it does so because it allows them to fool themselves about who you are.

the problem with this method is that you have now created competition for yourself. and its not another man, but rather YOU - or rather the YOU that she now fantasizes that you are.

as time goes on, and the real you emerges, she is now comparing the real you against the 'ideal' or 'fantasy' you that she imaged you really were.

this is a big reason why some guys using mystery are able to lure the women in, only to lose them a week, a month, or a year later.

a smarter strategy, as i often espouse, is to become the ideal. to be your authentic self. you may catch less women that way, but the ones you do catch will actually grow fonder of you as time goes on as they become more assured that the bill of goods you were selling was the real thing.

being 'mysterious' is actually the opposite of confidence. its the equivalent of a woman who spends 3 hours doing her make up to look her very very best. while it does work one cannot keep up the illusion forever.

just something to think about.

I agree if it is an AFC using a technique to later lose the girl because he is truly an AFC.

It is different if this is who you are. For example, I keep my past to myself as well as my career. It is just noone's business. Women say I am mysterious.

The fact of the matter is they will always say that. I CHOOSE to keep certain things to myself. I CHOOSE not to put myself out there. I CHOOSE not to show my weakness. Outsiders, especially women, will say I am MYSTERIOUS.
It might work to my benefit. But I frankly do not give a F*CK. This is who I am.

Agreed, if an AFC is putting on an act, it will backfire. If it is who you are then there is no downside.

So let's go furthur to say ANYTHING YOU PRETEND TO BE, MIGHT ATTRACT WOMEN INITIALLY BUT WILL ULTIMATELY BITE YOU IN THE A*S AT THE END.

 

[Bible_Belt]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MtJo4DDQek

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcmJNtfdZps

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQ-29OFsV5Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKGsO1V03Ns

 

[joekerr31]

haha 'i just farted' classic.

 

[Bible_Belt]

'I just farted' is the first thing that popped into my head when I read your original post. I worked at a day trading firm with CNBC on nine hours a day and saw every ARCA commercial a thousand times.

When my last gf started farting around me, I knew it was the beginning of the end. The mystery was gone.