Why do EX-GFs want to be friends?!? Let's talk about it!

[vagrant]

I brought this up because my Ex texted me today wanting to be friends. Now before you say "Oh ex is an ex for a reason"...let me explain the situation.

I was 18 and she was 15 when we met. She was my first girlfriend and I was her first boyfriend. We were in high school and this was in New York. I moved to California when I was 21. Long story short. I cheated on her so we broke up 3 years later.

Up until now I still want her! For a lot of reason I still do. I know I can find someone else but at the same time I would love to be with her. Huge oneitis to the point that I almost never got to move on. But slowly I have but not to the point where we can just be friends the way she wants.

But then I thought about it really hard today and asked myself a lot of questions such as...would I be ok if she sleeps with my friend. Or would I be ok if she starts talking about her boyfriend or whoever she's dating. And I came to the conclusion that as long as she's happy I'm ok with it.

In my mind she could be my best friend. I mean she was. And in a way I feel like why ruin it? I mean I feel like I'm not going to live forever and I just want her to be a part of my life as a friend like all my other friends.

In a way I felt that philosophically I moved up a little knowing that I can still love her, care for her the way I've always wanted even though we won't have sex the way people in a relationship do. And I'm fine with that. I feel like that's what true love is. Just giving without asking for anything in return.

The question is though...what is on her mind asking me to be friends again when she is about 3000 miles away?!?!?!?!?

Does she wants to be friends hoping we can start from there and maybe get back together?!?!? Is she looking for attention?!?!? What does she want really?!?!? From what I know she has a boyfriend already so I'm really confused here a little bit.

I want to hear your opinion on this guys. What possible outcome can this lead to if I agree.

By the way I said the most stpidest thing if that's even a word to her today. I told her I don't think I can be friends with her because I haven't moved on or I may never will. I didn't know what to say. I was surprised when she texted out of the blue.

But I plan on calling her this New Year to tell her that I think we should be friends...aaah yeah so advice please DJs!

 

[betheman]

"By the way I said the most stpidest thing if that's even a word to her today. I told her I don't think I can be friends with her because I haven't moved on or I may never will. I didn't know what to say. I was surprised when she texted out of the blue. "

she got exactly what she wanted from that very sentence..the ego boost!

 

[vagrant]

"By the way I said the most stpidest thing if that's even a word to her today. I told her I don't think I can be friends with her because I haven't moved on or I may never will. I didn't know what to say. I was surprised when she texted out of the blue. "

she got exactly what she wanted from that very sentence..the ego boost!

You think so? It's been almost 5 years. She has a boyfriend now. Plus that was the last thing said in the conversation.

She was very sincere to me. But I told her it was complicated and that it was easy for her but not for me. Then she said I was the one making it complicated and then she told me that she'll never bother again and said bye.

So I told her what I felt at that time which was that I haven't moved on.

Ego boost?!? I'll keep that in mind but I don't know what will boost her ego when I'm in California and she's in New York.

I don't know if it's also a coincidence that a friend of mine that she also knows (a guy who is married now) asked me if I still talk to her and that I should court her again because she's way prettier now than before.

Out of the blue this guy starts talking about her and the all of a sudden she shows up asking me how thanksgiving was?

I don't know maybe it was just coincidence.

 

[vagrant]

I guess you have to decide if friends is enough for you? I mean she has a boyfriend, right?

I see no harm in being friends/friendly..........if you can protect your heart.

She's beautiful. Perfect as$ and everything too. Definitely friends is not enough when I see her but something in me getting older and learning about life day by day allows me to be okay with it.

Images of her in my head having sex used to hunt me. Even pictures of her and her boyfriend kills me but I learn from this site that women are human being just like men.

Women need sex. Women love sex. Who ever's the boyfriend gets the sex. It's all good. I mean those are the rules and I just have to roll with it and find my own woman to do all the good things with.

Yeah she has a boyfriend now. I think they've been together around 2 years.

 

[vagrant]

But I'm still wondering why?!?!?!?!? Why not just leave me alone? Was she guilty and thought she was doing me a favor in staying friends? She wants to show me what kind of life she has now and how loser I am these days? Or she still cares for me which she did say.

I got mad at her last time she greeted me on my birthday. I told her if she wanted me to move on just forget about everything. I was pissed because I wanted her and I felt helpless knowing it was really over.

 

[Cremasta]

The least painful option here was "Yeah, ok", then just forget about her and get back to whatever it was you were doing.

 

[floydb25]

Reasons are irrelevant. Just dont assume it has anything to do with you. Most attractive women want what they want, when they want, how they... You know how it goes. It could be years down the line, or the following day. Theres a reason she has, but wont tell you - because its selfish in nature.

In my experience, the more attractive they are - the more entitled they feel to just about everything - as it suits them. They also tend to be stubborn and unnaccountable to anything (ie, "youre the one being complicated; ok bye")...Blah. Waste of time, IMO. She wont break up with her boyfriend. Guarantee that. She also doesnt sound like that great of a person in general, AND the only reason you like her is because she's hot. So, you want to put up with her crap without any action?

I can tell you still like her - otherwise you wouldnt be acting like this... Trying to piece everything together, and blah blah. Youre way more invested than she is (probably couldnt care less, and has no romantic feelings). Youre wrong in assuming she doesnt want an ego boost, or to have power of you. Some girls actually become upset if they cant toy you around, keep you as a back-up plan, or otherwise get what they want. Its just the spoiled nature of certain women. She sounds like one of them.

 

[vagrant]

Ok man, this is really eating you up......I can tell. Why don't you just flat out ask her if she still has attraction for you? And if she wants to date.

Seriously. That is the only way you will get peace. If she says No, then tell her Thanks, and move on, Completely cease contact, and forget about the WHY. You will HAVE YOUR ANSWER.

If she says Yes? Tell her to break up with her boyfriend and bring it on.
Simple, really. But do something, so you have an answer......you are killing yourself here dude.

I know that's the best thing to do but I live in California and she lives in New York.

 

[ArcBound]

Is she looking for attention?!?!?

I don't know, I don't care and neither should you.

What does she want really?!?!?

It doesn't matter what she wants. Let's focus on you. It seems from the tone of your post YOU are very open to getting back with her if the opportunity arose. Why vagrant? Why after you cheated on her? Why after she got a new boyfriend? Why when you are 3000 miles apart and there is no hope at all for the relationship and you know it on some level? Tell me fvcking why?


From what I know she has a boyfriend already so I'm really confused here a little bit.

You are confused here a lot of bit. Forget about her for a sec. And by sec I mean a lifetime. You'll be better off instead of holding on to the hope every AFC guy in the world has had that they can become friends again and something *might* arise out of it.

 

[JoeMarron]

You clearly aren't over her so you definitely shouldn't bother with being friends. Odds are your oneitis for her will come back and you'll just end up miserable. Forget about her...pretend she never existed.

 

[Epimanes]

She most likely texted you and asked to be friends because she is having doubts with her current BF. She wants you to be her go to guy in case it doesnt work out with current BF. Dont be second best or sloppy seconds... just ask her if she wants to date .. if not let her go. Be up front .. dont pvssy foot it.

 

[JohnChops]

This hurt to read. Ouch its like last year all over for me again. Man , you'll realize... on your own, that you don't need her nor do you want her. If you cheated on her you don't want her. You moved your home. Smart move, now its easier to get over her. If I lived on the west coast is be at the beach everyday surfing and picking up girls. Come on, its Cali brotha. Its a big state with a lot of women.

But back to your question of discussion. My oneitis did this to me, kept coming back to make sure I still had feelings for her. So that she could get an ego boost from it. Don't give her an ego boost ever. And what you said, she k owns she still has power over you. Its a win for her whole your losing. Fvck I hate seeing this happened. But you'll learn . Keep your head up

 

[Scars]

I brought this up because my Ex texted me today wanting to be friends. Now before you say "Oh ex is an ex for a reason"...let me explain the situation.

Stopped reading right there. Your situation isn't any different from anyone else. Talking to your ex is like digging through your garbage man.

-Scars

 

[vagrant]

Reasons are irrelevant. Just dont assume it has anything to do with you. Most attractive women want what they want, when they want, how they... You know how it goes. It could be years down the line, or the following day. Theres a reason she has, but wont tell you - because its selfish in nature.

In my experience, the more attractive they are - the more entitled they feel to just about everything - as it suits them. They also tend to be stubborn and unnaccountable to anything (ie, "youre the one being complicated; ok bye")...Blah. Waste of time, IMO. She wont break up with her boyfriend. Guarantee that. She also doesnt sound like that great of a person in general, AND the only reason you like her is because she's hot. So, you want to put up with her crap without any action?

I can tell you still like her - otherwise you wouldnt be acting like this... Trying to piece everything together, and blah blah. Youre way more invested than she is (probably couldnt care less, and has no romantic feelings). Youre wrong in assuming she doesnt want an ego boost, or to have power of you. Some girls actually become upset if they cant toy you around, keep you as a back-up plan, or otherwise get what they want. Its just the spoiled nature of certain women. She sounds like one of them.

Not to defend her but she is turning 23 soon and she's only had 3 boyfriend. I know her family and how they are in general. She really is a good girl but definitely a wild one in the bedroom. The reason I still like her is because she truly is a wifey material.

But you are right. She maybe doesn't plan on getting back. But I keep my hopes up all this time because how we ended was my fault and not hers. She was crazy about me even up until to the point when I cheated on her. So in a way I always feel that she'll have feelings for me and I still believe that.

That's why when she texts me when she doesn't even have to at all because of everything I've done I get my hopes up. It's wrong but instinctively what am I supposed to think when in my mind I know she wants no one else but me?

But I think I got it all wrong. I have a feeling she's texting me just to see if I have a girlfriend now. And the way I reacted she knows I still haven't moved on and that probably puts a smile on her face knowing I'm either still single or that I'm still not over her.

 

[vagrant]

You are confused here a lot of bit. Forget about her for a sec. And by sec I mean a lifetime. You'll be better off instead of holding on to the hope every AFC guy in the world has had that they can become friends again and something *might* arise out of it.

You're right. I thought about it too. I mean yes I cheated on her but I did so many great things that she was willing to walk away after everything. I didn't even have sex with the girl so that in a way tells me that she may not be into me all that much. But I can't say because even I didn't try to get her back knowing I'm 3000 miles away now.

I'm definitely not hoping to get back with her. I mean honestly it would be nice since she was a good girl all throughout the relationship but at the same time I'm man enough to control my emotion or maybe I'm lying to myself. That I don't know for sure until I see her again.

But I have a strong feeling I'll be attracted to her instantly. Unless I find a really hotter chick than her.

 

[vagrant]

You clearly aren't over her so you definitely shouldn't bother with being friends. Odds are your oneitis for her will come back and you'll just end up miserable. Forget about her...pretend she never existed.

You are absolutely right. Honestly I haven't been with anyone since we broke up. For some reason after the relationship I went through crazy days and somehow I just don't know how to get women anymore.

I mean in a way I do because I've had at least 2 one night stand from plenty of fish. They weren't hot though. I didn't keep them as fvckbuddy and sometimes I wish I did specially when I go through months without any.

Once of the girl still calls me though but man I just can't go out with her and have everybody see me with her. She wants to go on a date before we do anything and I just couldn't do it to myself.

But you're right. I haven't moved on. After paying for 2 absolutely gorgeous escorts and 2 one night stands. Going to the club and dancing with beautiful girls I'm still not over her.

My success rate is very slow. Scared to approach etc but I'm working on it. Lots of absolutely beautiful women everywhere but I just have to step up my game.

 

[alpha_ash]

You are absolutely right. Honestly I haven't been with anyone since we broke up. For some reason after the relationship I went through crazy days and somehow I just don't know how to get women anymore.

I mean in a way I do because I've had at least 2 one night stand from plenty of fish. They weren't hot though. I didn't keep them as fvckbuddy and sometimes I wish I did specially when I go through months without any.

Once of the girl still calls me though but man I just can't go out with her and have everybody see me with her. She wants to go on a date before we do anything and I just couldn't do it to myself.

But you're right. I haven't moved on. After paying for 2 absolutely gorgeous escorts and 2 one night stands. Going to the club and dancing with beautiful girls I'm still not over her.

My success rate is very slow. Scared to approach etc but I'm working on it. Lots of absolutely beautiful women everywhere but I just have to step up my game.

I think you need to make some friends. Everything you say tells me that you are lonely, maybe by choice and want to hurt yourself. I went through this after one relationship, which wasn't even a relationship and I duped myself into thinking it was.

We just have to learn to figure out the flaw and it happens more quickly if someone else tells you on this forum rather than trying to figure it out yourself.

The flaw here is you. Fix yourself and stop thinking about someone who's busy screwing another guy! She doesn't deserve your attention if she is screwing another guy. If she had stayed single and patiently waited for you, that would be a whole different story.

 

[GotED?]

I find this 'dilemma' that the OP posted here very amusing - didn't he really shoot himself in the foot and now is regretting his fallen manhood just like Satan the fallen angel from heaven into hell?

The fallen manhood I am talking about here, OP - is the fact that you CHEATED on her and screwed her royally over. This is not the characteristic of a man who is in control of his life and lacks much self-discipline; nor traits of a true DJ.

You fook over a woman and now you are crying over wanting her back?

This is all wasted post by anyone who wants to sympathize with the OP. Best wish him luck to find another woman who he can perhaps become faithful with, then won't have to deal with the agony of not able to get another woman hotter than the one he has cheated on in life. This is your sentence.

If NISMO was here, you would be barred from court, barred from bail, and sentenced to fugly women for life.

With respect,

Exodus

 

[ArcBound]

I'm definitely not hoping to get back with her. I mean honestly it would be nice since she was a good girl all throughout the relationship but at the same time I'm man enough to control my emotion or maybe I'm lying to myself. That I don't know for sure until I see her again.

But I have a strong feeling I'll be attracted to her instantly. Unless I find a really hotter chick than her.

Seems like you already found your solution. You acknowledge you don't want to get back with her, and you also know you will probably be attracted to her if you do see her. The only logical conclusion is....