why cheating hurts the cheater most
- Thread starter joekerr31
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Trimalchio
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What I'm about to say here is not for anyone.
Let us first face the bitter, unflinching truth: Nature tricked us here. Nature doesnt give a damn about our happiness or unhappiness. For nature we are just a means to procreate and to transfer our genes in the eternal competition of the fittest. Sooner or later any sexual relationship goes the way of all flesh and then this happens:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect
Now: some of you older guys might have experienced the same old story that you might have a really long relationship for many years, even have a family with that woman and a deep emotional relationship with her like with no other person. Yet after some time, and it may be many years, but the day will come for sure, you feel that something important for you as a man is missing. None of us will ever stop lusting after other women, even if we are with the hottest and most congenial chick in the world. I have seen men cheat their hot, attractive wives with women far less beautiful just to fulfill that need. You have heard it: show me the hottest chick in the world and I show you the guy who is tired of banging her. Over the years any intensity of sexual experience deteriorates in a monogamic relationship. The daily life takes its toll and the kicks become rare. All of us would like to have both: the wife and the lover. Once you make the lover the wife the lover's place is vacant, and on goes to cycle. This never ends. Our instincts and drives long for variety, so does nature, in order to give our genes as many survival combinations as possible. We men never cease to wish to conquer. Yet we all develop deep emotional bonds that cannot be replaced. (Any immature wisecrackung DJ who might dismiss this now as "one-itis" or such, doesnt know what he is talking about. I'm speaking to those who do.) Many of you might have experienced this as two different kinds of love: you love your wife (or "wife") in a different way than your lover, as clichéd as this may sound. You can "solve" the thing by a lifelong serial monogamy, changing your girlfriend every 2-5 years after the coolidge effect sets in, but you will always have the wish for something lasting, and, if you have a family, you will have a serious responsibility that goes beyond your desires, beyond your ego. So, what to do?
The old, more restricted order of society forced you to bring this sacrifice of abandoning your further desires of conquest one day. In the good old, bigot, double-standard patriarchalic days, when marriage provided a strong social controll over one's sexual activities and women traded sexual faithfullness and mothering of a man's children against economic security, men would not just leave their wives and children when they felt the itch and simply visit that important pillar institution of any conservative society: the bordello. The bordello saved many a marriage and many a familiy in the old days. Hypocrisy was still needed though to keep the necessary pretty lies intact that keep society and morals together. Sex and sexual love were restricted goods, and in order to keep a society in stability and to prevent social flux and chaos, to keep families intact. All this worked out fairly well, and in my opinion the ability to be happy (or unhappy) with that was no less today with all our sexual freedom. That might be screwed, but any society is screwed because or human nature is basically screwed, and we survive only by arrangements, for better or worse, never perfect.
Even today when so much has changed socially and conditions allow for more sexual freedom and variety a price has to be paid. There always was. Sex was never anything that was for free. We tend to forget that and that sex foremost serves for procreation, and only the anti-baby-pill changed that in the last few decades.
Now, we are on a predominantly guy's forum so let me say something unpopular for which some of you will probably give me a major bashing, it might sound a bit "chauvinist" but seems nonetheless true in my experience: on the average, it damages a relationship less if a man cheats than if a women does, taken the thing stays a secret. I know I am generalizing here, and there are always exceptions, but since women are far more emotional creatures than men they are more likely to give something away of themselves when cheating that will be notably lacking in the relationship and seriously damage it. Whereas men are much more likely to spend a night with someone else and still not be emotionally involved too much, still be loving, dedicated husbands. Men take, women are taken. Men give their sperm away, women give themselves away, they submit their womb, surrender their souls with their bodies (note that this why seduction "works" if you can push the proper emotional buttons). I find no data on the Coolidge effect applying to females of any species. All the examples I find are male. The story was all about President coolidge and the ****, not about Mrs. Coolidge and the hens. I think the Coolidge effect is a predominantly male problem. (Even though thanks to emancipation many women increasingly share similar needs, similar possibilities as men. Because they have more independence which makes the dillemma two-fold. Go figure, mankind.)
This is why so called open relationships NEVER work. If at all, only double standards professed by the person who is stronger and dominant in the relationship (and that should always and naturally be the man to ensure happiness for both parties) may work. So I'd rather say: if you do not want to divorce, because you love your wife and you feel responsible for the kids, but the thirst for fresh flesh is to strong, and you are not able to bring this sacrifice without feeling increasingly bad and frustrated, it is better to solve the dilemma by doing a sidestep to bring you into balance again. You just deal with a dilemma nature has put inside you and which mankind has not solved yet except by force and suppression. Some actually use this a occasional valve in order to manage to keep their wives happy and not build up frustration about things she cannot give. Some even might feel this is the price to keep their relationship going and not to abandon their wife and children, who are dependent on them. Cheating for the greater good of it all, giving the devil his due, as in so many other aspects of your life. Perhaps. But remember that in any case you are playing with fire, and you might be sooner in the flames of passion than you think, and this fire can destroy everything.
I also think that often the occasional sex with another person itself is not so much to blame why the bad conscience takes its toll. Many feel more bad about the lying than about the sex, because it splits you schizophrenically in two, puts an invisible wall between you and your partner, betraying the intimacy, the love (yes, DJs: LOVE. Dont be squirmish. You have experienced it) you have shared, even if you never confess, even if you manage to keep it a secret, even if you act like you always do, even if it doesnt change your feelings for your partner or your wife at all.
I think anyone should handle this at his own risk. There are no rules. In my opinion all is well that ends well for everybody involved, if the greater good is not damaged and nobody gets hurt, though mind that is difficult to do. If you chose to live by double standards, make your own rules & be responsible just for yourself, be sure to take consequences and to not lose the grip on your life.
Let us first face the bitter, unflinching truth: Nature tricked us here. Nature doesnt give a damn about our happiness or unhappiness. For nature we are just a means to procreate and to transfer our genes in the eternal competition of the fittest. Sooner or later any sexual relationship goes the way of all flesh and then this happens:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect
Now: some of you older guys might have experienced the same old story that you might have a really long relationship for many years, even have a family with that woman and a deep emotional relationship with her like with no other person. Yet after some time, and it may be many years, but the day will come for sure, you feel that something important for you as a man is missing. None of us will ever stop lusting after other women, even if we are with the hottest and most congenial chick in the world. I have seen men cheat their hot, attractive wives with women far less beautiful just to fulfill that need. You have heard it: show me the hottest chick in the world and I show you the guy who is tired of banging her. Over the years any intensity of sexual experience deteriorates in a monogamic relationship. The daily life takes its toll and the kicks become rare. All of us would like to have both: the wife and the lover. Once you make the lover the wife the lover's place is vacant, and on goes to cycle. This never ends. Our instincts and drives long for variety, so does nature, in order to give our genes as many survival combinations as possible. We men never cease to wish to conquer. Yet we all develop deep emotional bonds that cannot be replaced. (Any immature wisecrackung DJ who might dismiss this now as "one-itis" or such, doesnt know what he is talking about. I'm speaking to those who do.) Many of you might have experienced this as two different kinds of love: you love your wife (or "wife") in a different way than your lover, as clichéd as this may sound. You can "solve" the thing by a lifelong serial monogamy, changing your girlfriend every 2-5 years after the coolidge effect sets in, but you will always have the wish for something lasting, and, if you have a family, you will have a serious responsibility that goes beyond your desires, beyond your ego. So, what to do?
The old, more restricted order of society forced you to bring this sacrifice of abandoning your further desires of conquest one day. In the good old, bigot, double-standard patriarchalic days, when marriage provided a strong social controll over one's sexual activities and women traded sexual faithfullness and mothering of a man's children against economic security, men would not just leave their wives and children when they felt the itch and simply visit that important pillar institution of any conservative society: the bordello. The bordello saved many a marriage and many a familiy in the old days. Hypocrisy was still needed though to keep the necessary pretty lies intact that keep society and morals together. Sex and sexual love were restricted goods, and in order to keep a society in stability and to prevent social flux and chaos, to keep families intact. All this worked out fairly well, and in my opinion the ability to be happy (or unhappy) with that was no less today with all our sexual freedom. That might be screwed, but any society is screwed because or human nature is basically screwed, and we survive only by arrangements, for better or worse, never perfect.
Even today when so much has changed socially and conditions allow for more sexual freedom and variety a price has to be paid. There always was. Sex was never anything that was for free. We tend to forget that and that sex foremost serves for procreation, and only the anti-baby-pill changed that in the last few decades.
Now, we are on a predominantly guy's forum so let me say something unpopular for which some of you will probably give me a major bashing, it might sound a bit "chauvinist" but seems nonetheless true in my experience: on the average, it damages a relationship less if a man cheats than if a women does, taken the thing stays a secret. I know I am generalizing here, and there are always exceptions, but since women are far more emotional creatures than men they are more likely to give something away of themselves when cheating that will be notably lacking in the relationship and seriously damage it. Whereas men are much more likely to spend a night with someone else and still not be emotionally involved too much, still be loving, dedicated husbands. Men take, women are taken. Men give their sperm away, women give themselves away, they submit their womb, surrender their souls with their bodies (note that this why seduction "works" if you can push the proper emotional buttons). I find no data on the Coolidge effect applying to females of any species. All the examples I find are male. The story was all about President coolidge and the ****, not about Mrs. Coolidge and the hens. I think the Coolidge effect is a predominantly male problem. (Even though thanks to emancipation many women increasingly share similar needs, similar possibilities as men. Because they have more independence which makes the dillemma two-fold. Go figure, mankind.)
This is why so called open relationships NEVER work. If at all, only double standards professed by the person who is stronger and dominant in the relationship (and that should always and naturally be the man to ensure happiness for both parties) may work. So I'd rather say: if you do not want to divorce, because you love your wife and you feel responsible for the kids, but the thirst for fresh flesh is to strong, and you are not able to bring this sacrifice without feeling increasingly bad and frustrated, it is better to solve the dilemma by doing a sidestep to bring you into balance again. You just deal with a dilemma nature has put inside you and which mankind has not solved yet except by force and suppression. Some actually use this a occasional valve in order to manage to keep their wives happy and not build up frustration about things she cannot give. Some even might feel this is the price to keep their relationship going and not to abandon their wife and children, who are dependent on them. Cheating for the greater good of it all, giving the devil his due, as in so many other aspects of your life. Perhaps. But remember that in any case you are playing with fire, and you might be sooner in the flames of passion than you think, and this fire can destroy everything.
I also think that often the occasional sex with another person itself is not so much to blame why the bad conscience takes its toll. Many feel more bad about the lying than about the sex, because it splits you schizophrenically in two, puts an invisible wall between you and your partner, betraying the intimacy, the love (yes, DJs: LOVE. Dont be squirmish. You have experienced it) you have shared, even if you never confess, even if you manage to keep it a secret, even if you act like you always do, even if it doesnt change your feelings for your partner or your wife at all.
I think anyone should handle this at his own risk. There are no rules. In my opinion all is well that ends well for everybody involved, if the greater good is not damaged and nobody gets hurt, though mind that is difficult to do. If you chose to live by double standards, make your own rules & be responsible just for yourself, be sure to take consequences and to not lose the grip on your life.
georgiapeach91384
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joekerr31,
I just wanted to thankyou for your words.
for the first time in 2 weeks of an angry haze of fury (finding out he had been lying/cheating)... I feel somewhat normal after reading that.
my EX fiance was described in your words quite literally to a "T"....
you are well spoken, intelligent, and wise.
I thankyou again,
E
I just wanted to thankyou for your words.
for the first time in 2 weeks of an angry haze of fury (finding out he had been lying/cheating)... I feel somewhat normal after reading that.
my EX fiance was described in your words quite literally to a "T"....
you are well spoken, intelligent, and wise.
I thankyou again,
E
Mr.Positive
Master Don Juan
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Yes, indeed. Joekerr31 was a great poster on this site. Along with many others who posted in this thread. This thread brings back from "memory lane".
Georgiapeach, I hope your healing process goes quick and smooth...and you know life gets better each day forward.
Thanks for bumping this thread. It's a good read.
Georgiapeach, I hope your healing process goes quick and smooth...and you know life gets better each day forward.
Thanks for bumping this thread. It's a good read.
Cheating only hurts the cheater when the cheater feels regret and remorse for cheating. Otherwise, that person is not going to care that they cheated. People will always justify their reason for cheating. Women will blame men and tell that is was their fault that they cheated. Cheating affects more men than women because a lot of men realize they made a mistake when the woman leaves him and finds someone new. That is hard to accept. Women might reach out after but will have a man to take care of them so they are still satisfied. I know people who cheated and some it didn't bother in the least when they had a new person.
GotED?
Master Don Juan
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Such an old thread, must have became enamored and encrusted into Google Search Engine results by now from people looking for 'Cheating in relationship' keyword search.
The world would be a much more happier and enjoyable experience if people would learn the simple word of 'RESPECT' for each other, as well as YOURSELF.
Not being sappy and new age - but isn't 'LOVE' the ultimate goal and purpose of why us men are on here, searching for the Holy Grail solution to being HAPPY with women (the real underlying purpose). If one truly understands LOVE - it is the capacity to put the person that you care about AND yourself first. You can not love another without loving yourself too, it is interconnected. Those who CHEAT - do not love themselves in the end, therefore incapable of loving another.
Even the pickup-artists and ego-maniac one-night-standers on here who spout out how successful they are with getting women into bed on the 1st date (LOL - I don't know why they pride that, they just found a SL_UT that is all), will eventually fess up how LONELY it is in the end to be without LOVE with a woman in a long-term relationship. Eventually all men crave for that fulfillment of love in the depth of their empty and shallow soul.
Life for all of us end in the same place of relative purpose and meaning - just different road to get to it in the meantime.
Be well.
Exodus
The world would be a much more happier and enjoyable experience if people would learn the simple word of 'RESPECT' for each other, as well as YOURSELF.
Not being sappy and new age - but isn't 'LOVE' the ultimate goal and purpose of why us men are on here, searching for the Holy Grail solution to being HAPPY with women (the real underlying purpose). If one truly understands LOVE - it is the capacity to put the person that you care about AND yourself first. You can not love another without loving yourself too, it is interconnected. Those who CHEAT - do not love themselves in the end, therefore incapable of loving another.
Even the pickup-artists and ego-maniac one-night-standers on here who spout out how successful they are with getting women into bed on the 1st date (LOL - I don't know why they pride that, they just found a SL_UT that is all), will eventually fess up how LONELY it is in the end to be without LOVE with a woman in a long-term relationship. Eventually all men crave for that fulfillment of love in the depth of their empty and shallow soul.
Life for all of us end in the same place of relative purpose and meaning - just different road to get to it in the meantime.
Be well.
Exodus
CBD for Life
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I recently tried in return the principal ever and I requisite say, I'm impressed with the results. I felt more composed and at peace, and my eagerness was significantly reduced. The gummies tasted spacious and were undisturbed to consume. I'll assuredly be using them again and would recommend them to anyone looking for a natural route to alleviate stress and anxiety.