Why "Be yourself" is the best advice in the world...and why no one gets it.

The Natural State

Before we came here, we all have felt confusion approaching social situations, the fear of failure, and the heartache of not being good enough. We've sat long hours trying to figure out who we should be, what we should do, what makes us worthy to stand with our fellow men and the women we adore.

Maybe you asked a friend, your mother, father, or someone out there who seemed like they "got it", like they understood the secret to living a happy, fulfilled life. And they gave you the same advice as everyone else..."Just be yourself."

So you went out and tried to "just be you" and found you were in the same boat as always, with the same fears and confusions as always. And you said to yourself, "No, being myself isn't good enough. There has to be some other way! Some magic technique or secret words that will make me strong and desirable as a man, as a PERSON." It's that search that brought many of us to websites like this.

I'm going to give you those magic words: Just be yourself.

The reason those people gave you that advice wasn't because they understood the grand secret of the universe, but rather, because they didn't. But you can see in the way they do everything that they do that they KNOW the answer. They're naturally fulfilled. They don't have any tricks or secrets that make them more powerful...they just know, and it shows.

They've given you their secret. You just didn't get it.

Good enough

Why didn't you get it? Why can these people "be themselves" and have so much success while you try so hard to "be yourself" and fail time and time again?

It must be because who you are isn't good enough. So we're all on this grand journey to understand ourselves. We define ourselves by our past actions, our jobs, our success, the things we own, what people think of us. We judge ourselves based on these things and try to determine how better to be our "ideal self", the person we WANT to be.

I bet every one of us has that ideal vision of ourselves...the one we one day dream of becoming. The one who does all the things that we want to do, acts under his OWN rules, and feels strong and confident. We all feel that we're "not good enough yet" to be that person, so we keep working our asses off to get closer to being that person.

Yet the harder we work, the further away that person appears. No matter how hard we try, we're STILL not good enough. We're STILL not that person.

We sit and think on how we can be more like that person in our heads, the one that we all want to believe deep inside that we are. We think maybe if we take up a new hobby, or go out and talk to a thousand women, or perform this trick or that technique, we will be worthy to stand in that person's shoes. We develop these complicated philosophies and sets of valuations trying to figure out exactly how far we are from that person, we try to think what that person would do, and WHY they would do it, and WHY it's so hard for us to do the same. We go out thinking, "Tonight I'm going to focus on being that person. I'm going to try to be the guy I know I can be."

And we fall flat on our faces. Why? Why is it so hard?

It isn't hard, and that's why we struggle

I'm going to tell you a secret. And I guarantee if you've empathized at all, you'll shake your head and say "no way, can't be true". But that's precisely why it's so hard for you to be yourself and succeed while others are themselves and succeed effortlessly.

That person you're trying so hard to be...that's YOU. You ARE that person. You just don't know it yet.

Have you ever stopped to consider how you could so easily come up with an "ideal self"? Why does this person haunt you? This isn't someone that fits with any of your philosophies or head-games or constructs...they just materialized out of thin air inside your head.

Do you know how that person came to be? No, and don't try to figure it out because you won't get an answer. That person is you. The REAL you. And the reason you're so far away from being that person is because you've spent so much energy trying to compete with that person, to be as good as him, that you've spent no time just BEING him.

Effortless perfection

I'm going to turn to Zen for this one. Next time you go outside, pick up a stone. Look at it. It's a stone. Maybe a big rock, maybe a small pebble, maybe smooth, maybe rough, but can you deny that it's a stone?

Now think about this...how hard has that stone worked to become a stone? How many nights has it laid awake thinking about how it could become the stone it is today? How much help has it needed? How many philosophical revelations has it had on this journey? How many DJ tricks has it learned? How many adventures has it undertook in an attempt to determine how to be a stone?

Isn't this the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard. It's a STONE. It's been a stone since it came to be. It's perfectly stone. And it became that without effort, without thought, without CONSCIOUSNESS for that matter. It never needed any help being a stone. It is itself...and it is itself perfectly and effortlessly.

So why do you have to try so hard to be yourself? The notion of trying to be yourself is STUPID. You ARE yourself. The harder you try to be something you already are, the more it feels forced and contrived. The further you get away from your own NATURE.

You are a MAN. This has been true ever since your conception. As man, you are naturally strong, adaptible, and confident. You are capable of great things. You are born to fight, to conquer adversity. Your nature is such that you can be a great lover, a successful leader, a good friend, and a fulfilled person...WITHOUT EVEN TRYING.

And all you have to do...is JUST BE YOURSELF.

Faith

You may think you can't see how you could possibly be that...but you've seen it all along. It's that ideal self that's in your head and your heart.

Right now, maybe you're shaking your head, thinking, "No way! That's not me. That might be other people, but I'm not that person." And this is precisely why everything you do is doomed to fail.

In the logical world, we define ourselves in terms of our past experiences. What we own, what our friends think of us, whether women love us, etc. When you try to define yourself as your past, you lose sight of the present. You are no more your past experiences than a shoe is the footprint it leaves behind.

In the logical world, we can only see what we've done, not who we are. And the explanation is only logical...how can you see yourself when you are the one doing the looking? Even in a mirror, the person you see is not really you, just a reflection of the light that bounces off of you, another footprint. The real you is something you can never see.

This is where you need to take an incredible leap of FAITH. All you need to do to become that ideal person...is BELIEVE in yourself. Believe you are that person.

No, don't try it out. If you half-ass try this and tell yourself it may not work, then you'll screw it up just like every other time. You'll go out feeling fresh and new, and as soon as a situation arises where this new person has a chance to act, you'll choke, your hands will clam up, and you'll say, "Nahh, I can't do it." You have to believe, COMPLETELY, and without equivocation, without consideration, that you are that person in your head that you want to be. Not think you are, not try to be, know you are and be it.

The Artist Within

I think Fingers touched upon this in his post, "Shattering the Limits". Every man is an artist. Naturally, without any effort. When a butterfly flaps its wings, or rain falls during a thunderstorm, it is a perfect, natural, and beautiful expression of their nature. Similarly, when an artist paints, or plays music, or dances, that too is an expression of OUR nature.

But it goes beyond "art" in the traditional interpretation. When we walk, we are artists. When we speak, we are artists. When we work, we are artists. But only if we CHOOSE to be.

To be an artist means to express yourself...the REAL self. And we do that in everything we do.

There's an old bit of wise advice that says, "Elevate everything you do to an art form." For many, that seems like a lofty goal because they don't look at themselves as artists. They believe that "art" is a talent you either have or you don't. Which, of course, is utter bullsh!t. EVERYONE is an artist. But it requires three things.

One, it requires being HUMAN, which we are all naturally.

Two, it requires BELIEF in yourself, which we've already discussed. You need to believe that who you are is good enough to be expressed in what you do. This is where many people falter...they become afraid that their expression is not good enough compared to other people...that they are unworthy to call something THEIR art or THEIR passion in life. When really all that makes the difference between a casual pursuit and a "passion" in life is believing in yourself enough to express yourself through it and make it your own.

Three, it requires EXECUTION. We grow stronger from giving of ourselves. It's our human nature to express ourselves on the world, so you must DO it. Knowing it is not enough. An author who knows he can write but never touches pen to paper is no author. A singer who knows he could belt out a beautiful tune but remains silent is no singer. And a pick-up artist who KNOWS that he could seduce and lay the most desireable of women but does not speak to them is no pick-up artist.

So in other words, be a man (already done), believe you are a man, and do what you really WANT to do.

 

What?! It doesn't work!

OK so you read this and now your eyes are open. You go out into the world with a strong belief in the natural artist that you are. You're ready to take on the world. You march right up to that music store and start playing the piano, or you head to the club and dance, or you go up to that hottie and speak to her.

But wait...patrons of the music stores are covering their ears! The club-goers point and laugh! The woman gives you an odd look and excuses herself to go...uh...over there now. WHAT?? Squirrels, you sold us out! This is all just more inspirational crap that goes nowhere! Where is our success?! Our art is not beautiful...we are failures.

:crackup: You're not FAILURES...did you really, REALLY expect to be able to just sit down and play??

Even the youngest child can't put together a word when he first tries to speak. But naturally, little by little, he learns to piece the words together.

This is the first time in a long time for many of you that you have expressed yourselves. It is still beautiful in its own way, but it lacks skill, lacks refinement. You can't expect to have these things right away. It takes patience. It requires you to continue to EXECUTE and to let yourself naturally evolve.

We are not a singular entity.

Remember, nature is not just something within you. It is something all around us. We are a piece of the universe...and everything we do is part of that universe's expression of its OWN nature.

We can create art that clashes with the nature of the universe, but since we are part of it, that art clashes also with our own nature...and that of the people around us. The more you actually DO, the more you learn the "art" of being yourself, the more you will pick up the subtle nature of those around you and your own nature will evolve to unfold in harmony with it.

Don't make the mistake of believing that now that you are actualized, you must express your will in an oppositional manner to everyone and everything around you, much like a warrior expresses his wrath on his enemy. To do so is not in your nature. You are as much a part of the universe as anyone else, and as such, you inherit certain things from it. These, too, are part of you. To decide to fight the world to express yourself is equivalent to refusing to eat to spite your hunger. In doing so, you're only fighting yourself.

You are not the same person you were a minute ago

When you think too hard, you tend to view yourself as a distinct entity, something constant and well-bounded in an ever-changing universe, to try to get a grasp on where you end and it begins.

As a result, many of us become fixed, static, unchanging. We refuse to try new things or accept new experiences because we say, "That's not me."

Imagine if when the world turned cold and we had an ice-age, if our spear-throwing ancestors had said, "Nope, that's not me. I'm a jungle-man. I don't live in ice." Again, an example of the ever-changing state of the universe around us...and to refuse to change in the face of that is contrary to our nature as men.

As your life unfolds, you naturally grow, learn, and become different. Yet, in your effort to draw a fix on "who you are", you become static and unwilling to change. This is the time to break yourself of that habit. You cannot reject the world. You must accept what comes and find a way to express yourself within it.

This isn't to say that you should be a victim of circumstance. However, some things in the world just HAPPEN. If Bill Gates were to be suddenly bankrupted and thrown onto the street as a beggar, he could no longer act as he did as a CEO. But Bill Gates is a clever animal...and he could still be Bill Gates. People like that FIND a way to move up. They find the cracks in the world that society leaves behind and, like water, flow through those cracks until they once again fill the world with their essence. There are ALWAYS ways in and out of anything...JUST by expressing who you are...by BEING YOURSELF.

But you have to be flexible. You have to be willing to change who you are every day...to grow and adapt to new situations and to open your mind to things that you used to not believe you were capable of. Because as a human, you really ARE capable of "anything".

So how does this help me get the ladies?

Come on. Before, you were a confused, isolated, inflexible, inartistic, lost, self-doubting, expressionless loser. Now that you believe in yourself, you are confident, expressive, changing, self-affirming man who expresses himself as a part of the grand universe itself. What woman WOULDN'T want to jump your bones??

And guess what else? Man is a natural lover. Men were getting laid long before SoSuave...and they must've been banging some hot-ass women, too, otherwise I wouldn't see the their daughters walking around with their tight-ass genes packed into even tighter-ass jeans.

Why do women chase professionals, musicians, athletes, and your buddy with the boyish smile and outgoing personality? Because they BELIEVE in themselves and give their all, 100%, into everything they do. The things you see, again, are just reflections and footprints. The money, the smooth words, all that crap is an illusion of something greater within those people. They believed in themselves, EXECUTED, and fulfilled their awesome potential as human beings.

What have you done? Better get started.

Except when you don't, because sometimes you won't...

There's one more factor here that hasn't yet been discussed. RISK.

Risk is the one thing that chases us further away from ourselves. We HATE risk. We do everything we can to AVOID risk. Why else would we take that ideal self inside of us, the one that we ARE, and push it into the back of our head as some kind of vague memory to aspire to?

All of us get burned at some point in our lives. We try things and fail, or someone hurts us or stifles our evolution. Too much of this and one starts to close up, to take the person that they are and all the emotion and expression and power that person has, and shut it away, hoping not to get burned again.

It's the last part of our nature that makes who we are the hardest to believe in, because we don't want to believe it. We don't WANT to believe the eventuality is part of who we are, so we think if we can convince ourselves not to be that person, we will never get hurt.

The truth is, we are all men. And as men, one day, we will die.

Yes, we die, and we fail. This, too, is part of who we are. And we can't take the happy part of our nature and leave the sad part behind...it's an all or nothing decision. To accept the possibility of success and happiness, you MUST accept the possibility of failure and sadness. One doesn't come without the other. Without being sad, you'd never appreciate being happy. Without failing, success isn't sweet. And without knowing our own death, we never feel driven to truly live.

So if you really, REALLY want to find the wisdom behind, "Just be yourself", then you have to accept the fact that being yourself will not be "just fun and b!tches". Life isn't always easy...sometimes it's DAMNED hard, and will leave scars.

If you've come here looking for an easy way to lay women with zero RISK, then you're looking for something that doesn't exist. I guarantee...GUARANTEE you that as you go out and try to finally live your life, you WILL run into women who won't like you, who will have boyfriends, who will have boyfriends that may try to kick your ass, who have their own personal issues, who break your heart, cheat on you, and make you cry. You WILL hurt.

It's time to ask yourself just what you believe, what you want out of life, and what you're willing to sacrifice to get it. Do you want to find the girl of your dreams? How bad do you want to find her? Are you willing to endure the pain of defeat to taste victory?

If not, then you will NEVER have what you desire. Period. End of story.

Long post, short message

This is certainly a long, verbose way to pretty much say, "Just be yourself." It's hard to put such a simple concept into words because as thinkers, we LOOK for something more complicated to explain away problems that are really very simple. We think that something that's not elaborate cannot be beautiful because no effort was put into it. The people who don't think about it as hard as we do, but still DO it, they see the beauty in it. But it can't be put into words, because to them, it's just a state of being. They gave up a long time ago trying to "find themselves" because they've been there all along.

 

I say don't be yourself; be your best self.

 

My story

I’ve been a thinker all my life. I’ve continuously overthought everything I’ve ever done. When I took up rock climbing, I started out loving it, then started overthinking. “Am I capable of this? Should I be better? Am I good enough? Is this just not for me?” When I started riding motorcycles, it became a release for my soul, and then I started overthinking. “Why am I doing this? Am I doing this right? Why is it so hard? Should I try to get better? Is it worth my time? Am I WORTHY of this?”

And so it was with women as well. When I came to SoSuave a couple years ago, a whole new world opened up for me. The kid who went to senior prom alone started dating cheerleaders, strippers, sorority girls, and some really QUALITY women. And then I started overthinking it. “Is there a purpose to this? Am I good enough? Why did I do this? Why did I do that? She didn’t call, should I worry? If I tell her how I feel, will it scare her off? Do I really deserve these women?”

I’ve been crushed under my own weight for the last year and a half. During that time, I met a girl who was everything I was looking for, but when she started to fall from me, I shied away because I didn’t want to get “one-itis" and fall head over heels for her. But when I finally realized what I wanted, she had already moved on. Then every time she didn’t call, or couldn’t find time for me, I blamed myself. I took the pain and turned it inward, assumed that I didn’t deserve to be with someone who could express herself the way she could, and lost faith in myself. I’ve been second-guessing myself ever since, in everything.

Well recently, I met another girl, quite by accident. I wasn’t even going to meet her…the circumstances were shady and I felt like I didn’t want to be in that situation, but for once in my life, I just said, “F it…I’m going to go into this situation with no expectations and just let life happen.”

Just like that, my eyes were opened. I saw what I WAS capable of and I saw how pathetic and painful my life had become. I decided then and there that this way of thinking “just didn’t work” and that I was going to rid myself of it, no matter how much it hurt.

I picked up a book on Zen by Alan Watts (highly recommended) and suddenly I understood that all along I had been the perfect me, and by seeking it and building these frames of value, I had pushed who I was further and further away, simply because I had come to believe the value games I played so thoroughly that I had lost faith in WHO I WAS.

This last week or two has been the hardest of my life. There were times when I was so upset I literally had headaches, stomach pains, and cried my eyes out. I unloaded everything, EVERYTHING I was keeping inside on this girl I was into...she doesn't know what to make of me now...and I cried because I knew it would mean she probably wouldn't want to talk to me any more. That was one of the few things I still had faith in.

I had to destroy the person I was so that I could become someone else. I never had any idea how much that hurt until now, but I think the worst is over now. I still feel some pain and cling to those delusions to an extent, but they're no longer binding ties...just cobwebs that I can brush off when I'm ready.

The hardest part is choosing to believe in myself. This is still something I'm dealing with, just because I'm so used to not doing it. I still wonder if this entire mental crusade I put myself and those around me through this past week was worth it, whether I DESERVED this, or whether I would've been better off continuing to take the weight of the world on my shoulders and hide from who I really am, hoping other people wouldn't notice.

I don't think so. I'm ready to stop being a mental-case, ready to stop trying to figure out the universe and control it, and ready to experience enlightenment. Ready to just BE MYSELF, the REAL MYSELF and not just what other people want of me.

I'm still debating the value of some good antidepressants to get me through this stage of my life...it might ease the suffering. Sure you can get a tooth pulled with no anesthetic, but damn it's gonna hurt. :nervous:

The patience is also a burden. I'm not going to be able to just "sit down and play" after all this time being afraid to sit down at all. But I have a few moves I developed before the madness took hold, so I'll be OK.

I want to ask you for your support, as I am still weak from this transition. I literally took a lesson straight from the phoenix...the mythical bird which burns to death in a fire to renew itself...and the new phoenix is not quite ready to spread its wings. But not just support for me, support for all the people who come here looking for answers in their search for the ability to express their human greatness to the women in their lives.

No one is an AFC...we are all great men by birth and some of us are just more lost than others.

 

You already ARE the best self that you can be. If you think you're beign yourself, but you're not being your BEST self, then you're really not being yourself at all.

 

Good post man.

Very philosophical and very much on point.


There have been times in my life that I've been out of touch with the real me and even now sometimes I still feel that way.

I think there are so many influences positive and negative that sway our minds one way or another that we really have to work to keep all the garbage out of our minds and stay inn touch with the real person inside.

 

I used to be the same as this, but I would describe this as more of a worrier than a thinker, if i had really truly over thought things I would of realised there was nothing to worry about.

Looks like a good post, not had chance to read it all, gotta go out, just this bit caught my eye.

 

I'd agree with you except for other than yours truly most people don't know who they really are and have no idea what they are capable of doing. That's why there is so much meritocracy here in the states at least. Most people base their achievements/personality/morality on their comparison to others (i.e., a commonality). Individuality and true authenticity is rare.

 

I have noticed this aswell. I dont do well when i put osme sort of 'show' on, when i put the fake me out there, the 'try hard' me.

I may not be the outright most popular person i know, but when i am myself, i do a lot better thne when i try to be something else.

 

I can't believe there are so few replies... This post is just great, standing out of all the nonsense that is being posted recently.

I've chatted with you with the DJ Messenger, if I remember correctly, squirrels, and I really like the way you think! Keep us updated on your new status and on the new ideas you come up with on your journey!

Again, great post, had (still has) me thinking for a couple of things!

 

What if be Yourself is equal to be somebody else?
Lots of people copy other people. Philosophically we could say each of our reactions is copy of somebodys else.

 

He is saying be that guy in your mind you want to be. Be yourself.. do you what want to do. Be that guy. I can see women being attracted to this.

Stop logically telling yourself you can not be him yet. Just be.

In every guy's mind that ideal guy is going to be VERY VERY similar because we are all men and we all want the same thing out of life.

Be that guy. Yeah you'll get laughed at first for sure, that's the risk you take.

You'll be happy though. And eventually through experience you'll actually be that guy and people will accept it. No work involved. This is basically what he is saying.

It has to be some of the best advice on this site. I'm just wondering though if there is a limit to this way of thinking? What if we WANT to kino her but are afraid of being called a rapist? Where is the line? How can we tell? Nobody wants to be called a rapist but the action we want to do may not get the results we think our ideal self can actually attain. Is this not making a fool of yourself?

 

Whose philosophy says that???

 

This is one of the toughest things in life because what we have been taught; hard work especiall, will see us moving farther from our goal. To truly be yourself, you can't think; "would I do this?" You have to do, and without even thinking about it, you will be doing what your true self would do.

Great post, squirrels

 

Being yourself also means: DON'T BE EVERYONE ELSE.

 

Great post.

What most of us don't get is we ALREADY are that great, funny, sexy, confident guy we want to be. I know I am, but I've spent nearly all my life trying to be someone 'better', thinking too much about everything, looking for tricks and techniques - when in reality all I had to do was 'let go' and live.

 

I think you may need to watch this video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=UZHcbcr3zR0

 

Zen masters are looking for detachment not attachment. In the natural state, mammals don't all get to breed, only the dominant one in the group.

Humans are in a different position. A complicated one. They breed all year round. Abstract concepts like money exist. Sure a stone just exists. But a stone doesn't need to get laid. (No stonemasonry pun intended). I think Ted Bundy's mother used to say to him, "Just be yourself".

 

Neither do you.

 

I hate analyzing too much on how to get chicks or how to "be".