What should I Do? GF mom got sick...

[VictorK]

Hello All,

I need some advise here's my situation:

1. I'm 34 and in a 6 mth relationship with a 29 yr old. (been living together for a few months)

2. Her mother (who lives in another state) has been diagnosed with cancer and will be headed in for surgery and chemo really soon.

3. The issue is my gf is telling me she may have to move back with her parents to help take care of her mom as she recovers (this could be anywhere from 6-12 months). I want to be supportive and all, but I don't want to be in a long distance relationship (especially given where I am in life). My gf has 2 other older brothers but it seems she is taking on the responsibility to take care of her parents. I'm staying out of their family discussions because it's a private matter for them and how they deem fit to address it.

4. Even if she resorts to flying back and forth to her mother's place for the next year, its clear our relationship will be at the bottom of the priority list. (It already has been since she found out the news)

Has anyone been through anything similar? Would I be selfish if I came out and told her if she moves back with her parents then the relationship is over? Perhaps this is a situation where its not what you say but how you say it.

Again, I don't want to be selfish, if she has to take care of her family, then that's what she needs to do, I just want to be fulfilled to like anyone else.

Any advise and insight is greatly appreciated.

 

[latinnova]

That's a tough one brother. She has her head on straight for sure because she is taking care of family, and that is respectable. This is one of those life situations that will just have to be played out. Maybe you can try the long distance thing if she is all that and then some (personality and looks). If it doesn't work out then so be it. Life will play this one out on it's own. It's hard to find quality women, and this forum attests to that.

 

[KingBeef]

I feel for you, this is not an easy situation. Try to be supportive and be there for her, there may be "ups and downs" ahead. Also, try not to think too much about it, take it one day at a time. She needs to be there for her mother and try to be there for the both of them.

As far as the relationship is concerned like I said, take it one day at a time. This is an early challenge for the both of you. I wish you luck.

 

[Desdinova]

That's a tough one brother. She has her head on straight for sure because she is taking care of family, and that is respectable.

I'm going against the grain on this one. She feels compelled to take care of her mother because her mother's illness is causing her strong emotions. Remember, a woman's emotions will override her logic. She isn't even thinking realistically about how this is going to impact her relationship.

According to the OP, she's thinking about moving back in with her parents. In other words, her mom and dad are still together. In a committed relationship, it's the other person's job to take care of the one who is ill. Her mother already HAS somebody there. He may not be able to do everything, but he is there.

I can understand if she wants to visit frequently to see how her mother's doing, but dropping her job, her residence, and her relationship? That's extreme. She's jumping head first into this situation without knowing how deep the pool is.

In my experience, women who are still firmly attached to the nipple tend to be extremely troublesome. Her folks will always override everything that happens in her life. If the woman doesn't realize that she needs her independence and her own life to proceed after her parents pass away, then she is extremely foolish. In other words, she's willing to risk throwing away her security and cater to her emotions. Women need both security and emotions in their lives, but decision making is not part of a woman's good qualities.

This woman has come to a fork in the road, and it sounds like she's already leaning toward the "move back in with parents" path instead of the "keep my security" path. The OP's job is to force her to choose a direction. She either moves in with her parents and they part ways, or she remains with him and occasionally goes for a visit on the other path.

Victor, you need to sit her down and hammer this out because this affects your life too. Leaving things up in the air isn't good for your peace of mind, nor your stability in life. She either moves in with her parents and you part ways, or she stays with you and keeps in close contact with them. You have needs and wants in life too, so don't let her fvck those up for you.

 

[Zunder]

Your first mistake moving in with a chick after only knowing her a few months.

Moving on, and this will sound harsh, but too bad I will lay it out straight -- this 'aint your problem bud. This is not your family. Your first priority is you and you own blood...your dad, mum, siblings etc, NOT such the mother of a chick you hardly know. Save you emotional energy because you are going to need it for you're own blood one day.
Let her go look after her mum. You move on.

 

[Epimanes]

No matter who you are with.. Eventually you and everyone else will experience a similar issue of the failing health of parents as we age. If you like the woman alot... Then support her.. It will go a long ways. If your just witth her for fvcking.. And don't give a crap about her family then dump her and fvck the next one...

If the roles were reversed... And your favorite family member needed your help... What would you expect your gf to do? Think about that....

Epi

 

[VictorK]

Thanks guys for the feedback, it was really appreciated.

Her mother is scheduled for surgery next week and she's flying out for that and will be back in a week. After speaking with her it seems her family have talked and she might not be uprooting her life to move back with her family (but will do frequent trips back & forth).

My game plan is I'll see how the next few weeks go and will be upfront with her if I feel I'm not getting what I need. She's a good woman but still we've only been dating for 6 months and we're still getting to know each other.

I feel i'm approaching the fork in the road with this girl, either I get all in or I leave the table.

I'll keep you guys posted

 

[SAYNO]

Dump..next before you get axed!

 

[bmp2cpm]

...After speaking with her it seems her family have talked and she might not be uprooting her life to move back with her family (but will do frequent trips back & forth).

My game plan is I'll see how the next few weeks go and will be upfront with her if I feel I'm not getting what I need....I feel i'm approaching the fork in the road with this girl, either I get all in or I leave the table.

VictorK,

You are acting like you are in complete control and can say when the relationship is over. That's a dangerous attitude to take.

What you do not realize is she has already picked up on your reaction to this crisis and your unwillingness to commit resources to her in the time of crisis.

I would be willing to bet that your reaction to this crisis has damaged her emotional connection to you. And now she will be looking for a guy willing to commit more. She'll be letting the best prospects who have thrown their hats in the ring over the years know that she can be theirs if they make a move.

The way I see it, is your relationship was over when she expected you to give all you could during the crisis. If you stay in the relationship, she will replace you soon, most likely cheat until she's sure she has the right replacement.

You're only option is to bail now. It's game over. Until you realize this, you are just setting yourself up for a bad road ahead.

 

[Dryden]

Don't end the relationship, but also.... it's not really about giving her space. Don't give her space.

Keep a close lock on her. Why? She is going to be emotionally stupid. People do the most stupid things when death or illness (or even family) is involved. Without some sanity backing her (and keeping a tight 'lock' on her) she's going to lose track of anything. She will not really notice or really have a good awareness of any limitation you place on her, other than the fact that you keep calling and she keeps talking to you pretty much all the time.

Her mind will be taken up with stupidness. So she will talk about stupidness a lot. Forgive her. She is stupid. We were raised to be idiots when it comes to death and dying.

But if you don't back her she will lose it. In the sense of perhaps getting emotionally out of balance, or getting into some kind of hysteria, or a prolonged sense of heightened hysteria. You need to keep her down on the ground.

She will not even notice that most of her mind is taken up with this insanity. So she might be thinking about it all the time and not even really realise it. Then when she talks to you she also talks about it. But you are perhaps her only moment that will ground her. You may be the only one that let's her talk about other stuff.

You can't get much out of her or out of the relationship in this period, no matter how long it will take. You don't invest much emotionally ourself. Stay out of it, while hearing her speak. She won't notice anyway that you're not invested (I think) as long as you keep having an interest. I mean, be concerned. But don't make it your life, even if it is a large part of your life, you know what I mean?

Even if you're calling her daily, and even if it takes perhaps some toll on you or it takes a part of your daily energy. Forgive her, for it. On the other hand.

Perhaps it is also time for you and her to reconsider "monogamy" during this period.

A famous book from Dutchiland is called "So a woman visits a doctor....".

It's about a married guy and his wife gets cancer. And he starts a new relationship, an affair. The wife doesn't know. A psychic tells him not to be hard on himself, says if he hadn't the other woman, he would never have the energy and joy in his mind and soul to take care of her (his wife).

The guy regularly slept with a lot of other women anyway, and blamed himself for it.

In the end as his wife is almost dead, he asks her "If you had known I would be so adulterous before you had married me, would you still have married me?"

And with a bright face and smile she says "Without a second thought."

True story as well.

Guy is now married to that affair woman. He even took her to the funeral.

So the advice is to make sure you reenergize yourself as well. Don't drop her, you know, stick to her. It will reward itself, I'm pretty sure. She will be grateful to you for the rest of your days, that will be true probably mostly, if you do it well.

You can't always have everything in life that you want. Sometimes life takes a different turn. Don't be upset about it. But I would strongly suggest not to abandon her.

I disagree with the previous poster. Don't make her into a vile being.