TyTe`EyEz said:
TyTe`EyEz, I still take your advice to heart, to not worry about my place in life and just go out and have fun, but I got to ask...will it ever come? Will it eventually be revealed what I'm supposed to do? I'm scared of never finding the answer if I just forget about it, but at the same time the quest for the answer hasn't been fruitful so far.
Working out
I love the practice of working out. It's the theory that is draining my mental energy.
For example, I'm afraid that I lose muscle mass if I don't eat anything for more than three hours. If I don't eat anything for more than three hours, I feel guilty. I blame myself for not doing everything I can to get the results I want. I'm afraid that I don't lose bodyfat if I don't eat clean. So I eat simple, tasteless meals I don't enjoy eating, like brown rice wit a raw cucumber and a chicken breast. If I don't eat this clean, I feel guilty. I blame myself for not doing everything I can to get the results I want. I'm afraid that I lose muscle mass if I don't get a certain amount of protein at regular time intervals, so I drink milk and stuff myself with meat everyday and every meal, while I just feel like eating something else or just less of all that meat and milk. But if I don't eat like this, I feel guilty and blame myself for not doing everything I can to get the results I want. I'm afraid that I lose muscle mass of I'm too physically active, like joining a game of basketbal or cycling around town from here to there, because the textbook says that cortisol levels will rise after 40 minutes of exercise and protein synthesis will be sabotaged by too much activity overall. It goes on and on...
In the end, even though I do the very best I can, I still have a hard time putting on muscle and losing body fat and all I can think about is how I can further optimize my lifestyle and eating habits to make progress. It's a mindset like ''if I don't get results, I don't work hard enough''. But..maybe I'm too strict? Does all this even matter? Even in the hospital, I get things like chinese food and baked potatoes with fried fish. And my father...he works a labor job all day and doesn't eat big amounts of protein or watch his diet at all. Still he's way bigger than me from just bench pressing once in a while and nothing more. Am I focusing too much on the details? Could it be that just a healthy, decent breakfast, lunch and dinner of whatever the hell I want is sufficient for muscle building and losing fat and the rest comes down to genetics? Am I brainwashed by all the theories out there on the internet?
New things
Hell yeah I like them. But losing our innocence, does it have to be that way? I've already stopped watching tv and reading the newspapers. Things like taxes, health insurance, murders, politics and advertisements drain the fun out of life. Why dow we produce this sh*t anyway? It isn't fun, it's draining. I didn't worry about paying taxes when I was 16. ll I knew is that I just had to get a job, so I walked to the local grocery store, signed some papers, worked a little, earned a little money and voila, all was good. Why should it be any different now. Why do media and society want me to worry about stuff like taxes? Sure I sign the papers, just get it over with, here take it, big deal, leave me alone. Just don't keep bothering me with I have to do this and that, have to ay the rent, have to pay this, have to clean that. Constantly being reminded of your duties, of what you should and must or else...these things depress me. I want to be engaged in fun things as much as possible and not make such a big deal out of the things that are less fun, or just make less fun things more fun again. I feel like I'm having a much more playful mindset in this regard than other people. If I tell people about dreams and possibilities, they never seem to get excited. Like all they care about is the normal, the routine, the mundane. Or they are like yeah, right *roll eyes*. Maybe they don't have dreams themselves? They like just going through the motions of life? Or am I just being childish?
Like work, sure working is fine. Sitting behind a computer all day crunching some numbers is not. Neither is doing a physical job that consists of routine, routine and more routine. That's why I would really like to join the military, but don't. The missions seem like fun, you get send to all kind of places and you get to meet all kinds of people. But you only go on a mission a few times in your career and between the missions or after the missions are done when you' re just 35, you are stuck and some base raising a flag and singing songs. Boring. Would public relations not be something for me? Or intelligence officer? Maybe those jobs allow me to travel a bit and meet new people and be creative a little? Or is that just a fantasty? Arrrgghhh...it all comes down again to finding my place in this world, my purpose, my feeling of missing something again. Pfff...where is it, what is it? Can't stop thinking about it.
Yeah, I link to think of myself as being invincible and everlasting, that's exactly it! But... I'm on the good side. I save princeses and stuff. Wrestle some raptors. Getting a statue for it...Hmmm...No really. I just imagine life like waking up at 7.00 am, getting a phone call that I should be in country far away in the afternoon. It takes me completely by surprise but I love that, so I hurry, eat breakfast, do a few sets of bench press and run off to the train station. So I arrive at that country, far from home and there seems to be some sort of crisis. So I use my training in social skills to win the crowd, use my eyes and ears to gather some needed infor here and there, work on a solution and solve the crisis. Tired after such a long and busy day, I rest a little in some hotel room, but the phone rings again. Some random party. I don't know anyone there and I'm scared to go and I'm tired, but hell, might as well grab that opportunity. So I order a big meal at the hotel room, do a few sets of squats in between and run off again, to my next adventure. So I walk the dark streets at night to the party, but suddenly get attacked by a robber. Love it. I wrestle him to the ground since I'm stronger than him after all that bench pressing and hand is ass over to the police. That's how I imagine an exciting day of my future life.
