Was this a friendship destroying night?

[Effington]

Hey guys,

I had a bit of an odd experience a couple days ago that I've been running through my head but still can't figure out, so I thought I'd post it here to get some more feedback. My main hope here is that I'm retelling the story exactly how it occurred.

I had a get together at my place on Sunday with about ten of my closest friends. Everyone was very chill and relaxed, and for the large majority of the night we were on my roof drinking. No one was acting unusually drunk, but we all drank enough where we had to make two runs to the liquor store for refills. (Store is in walking distance, no drunk driving occurred)

It was just about 1:00am where things got weird. I was talking to one of my girlfriends Jen, and she was making fun of me because we found an item in my refrigerator that was expired. Jokingly, I pointed behind her and said something like, "At least it's not as gross as that", and when she looked behind her I put my hand next to her face, so when she turned her head forward again it hit my hand like she was slapping my hand with her face. I don't remember how she reacted but it wasn't a big deal. Funny, right?

A couple minutes go by and we're all talking together, and Jen mentioned that I slapped her...she didn't say it like she was mad or anything, and I think I made some sort of joke that she liked it or something. The whole time I had a smile on my face and was keeping everything light. Anyway, Jen's boyfriend is there and is a buddy of mine I've known for about 6 years now, and he was like, "hey, don't slap girls" and approached me like he was going to hit me. I jokingly backed away and fake used another of our friends as a shield for a few seconds, I thought it was just a funny interaction. The boyfriend, let's call him Joe, took a couple light whiffs at me but it all seemed pretty mellow. Anyway, when it stopped being entertaining after a few seconds I gave it up, but then he continued to approached me and actually smacked me in the face (open fist) pretty hard, much harder than a joke.

Everyone in the room saw the interaction and it seemed to me like they were as shocked as I was that he hit me as hard as he did, and all of them were telling me I should hit him back. It's not really my style to get into fights so I joked like, "Yeah, I should, shouldn't I?" and kind of grinned, but just dropped it. I didn't see that as being the best resolution to the situation. I don't really want to hit my friends. At that point conversation went back to normal, I think we were discussing what bar we were going to go to next.

A few minutes later one of the other guys there asks me to show him to where my other bathroom is, since the one near us had been occupied. Me and him walk down the hall and I show him, but then Joe followed us out. When I turned around, he said something like, "I can't ****ing believe you ****ing did that, what is wrong with you, don't ever do that again." He was serious and very pissed. I thought this was very odd considering what he was actually talking about, so I figured I would talk to him about it the next day... at this point I assumed he was drunk. After giving him a 'really?' look, I believe my exact words were, "This conversation is over," and I started walking down the hall back to the rest of the group.

At that point he grabbed me by the shirt and threw me against the wall, and was yelling as loud as he possibly could, "What the **** is your problem, don't you ever ****ing ever slap anyone's girlfriend, don't you ever ****ing slap someone's wife!" (I don't know why he mentioned wives, I actually thought that was odd.) It was definitely loud enough so that everyone could hear, in fact I would bet that my neighbors could also hear it clearly. It seemed like he clenched his muscles but he didn't hit me. Then he let me go and I simply walked away, didn't say a word.

When I got back to the group, I probably looked a bit shaken, at least I felt that way. I went up to Jen and said pretty sincerely, if I've offended you in anyway, I'm sorry and that was not the intention. She didn't say anything, and that's when one of the other girls got up and said that it's time for everyone to go.

Everyone left and I was cooling down for a few minutes. Then another one of the guys came back, just because he left some beer he wanted to take with. We were talking about it and it seemed his opinion was that you're just never supposed to touch girls. He mentioned that yeah, I didn't hit her, but said I shouldn't have even done what I did. I do agree with him though; if I knew she would have been offended, I wouldn't have done it...I thought it was a joke.

Anyway, the question is...should I even attempt to stay friends with Jen & Joe after this? Initially, my plan was to apologize, since I don't like having friends mad at me, but the more I think about it, the more ridiculous it sounds. First, I think Joe's actions were completely over the top and out of line. The fact that I've been friends with him for about 6 years makes it much, much worse to me. I'm also ticked at the girl for simply pushing her boyfriend to do something. I had no idea she was upset, except for at the end of the night when I apologized to her, and it appeared that she was not satisfied with this. I've hung out with her maybe 15 times over the last year since she started dating Joe and thought we were good enough friends to joke around, but I can definitely say that was a poor judgement call.

 

[scribblec]

apologize and u will forever be the ***** of the group.

you didnt even slap her she turned around into your hand **** her u dont need friends like that

 

[theunflushables]

Sounds like Joe doesnt actually realize it wasnt really a slap but more of a stupid prank. And by the way he mentioned slapping wives he may have some close connection to someone who has been abused.

As for Jen, I don't know why she went silent at the end. She may have been more upset about her boyfriend for acting like an oaf than anything.

 

[Effington]

Sounds like Joe doesnt actually realize it wasnt really a slap but more of a stupid prank. And by the way he mentioned slapping wives he may have some close connection to someone who has been abused.

As for Jen, I don't know why she went silent at the end. She may have been more upset about her boyfriend for acting like an oaf than anything.

Those are both very good points and I hope you are correct. I actually think Joe's a pretty good guy and am really shocked. Even at the time it was happening I was just confused why he was so mad.

I'm hoping I'll see some of the people this weekend that were there so I can get their take on what happened. As I was writing the original post it kind of dawned on me that we were drinking for several hours, sometimes minor details like someone's body language is overlooked or misconstrued. I am never serious about anything and (especially when drinking) think everything's a joke, sometimes not everyone agrees. I also treat everyone like my best friend, when sometimes they're not...so it may well could have me being dumb.

 

[Bible_Belt]

A few minutes later one of the other guys there asks me to show him to where my other bathroom is, since the one near us had been occupied. Me and him walk down the hall and I show him, but then Joe followed us out. When I turned around, he said something like, "I can't ****ing believe you ****ing did that, what is wrong with you, don't ever do that again." He was serious and very pissed. I thought this was very odd considering what he was actually talking about, so I figured I would talk to him about it the next day... at this point I assumed he was drunk. After giving him a 'really?' look, I believe my exact words were, "This conversation is over," and I started walking down the hall back to the rest of the group.

At that point he grabbed me by the shirt and threw me against the wall, and was yelling as loud as he possibly could, "What the **** is your problem, don't you ever ****ing ever slap anyone's girlfriend, don't you ever ****ing slap someone's wife!" (I don't know why he mentioned wives, I actually thought that was odd.) It was definitely loud enough so that everyone could hear, in fact I would bet that my neighbors could also hear it clearly. It seemed like he clenched his muscles but he didn't hit me. Then he let me go and I simply walked away, didn't say a word.

That's your problem. He threatened you, and you backed down in submission. That is what is really bothering you. Yes, you should have beaten his ass right then and there. The next time someone assaults you, fight back like your life depends upon it. It does not matter who is right or wrong. The point is that anyone who picks on you should pay for it. Be the crazy sob that no one wants to mess with.

 

[f283000]

As for Jen, I don't know why she went silent at the end. She may have been more upset about her boyfriend for acting like an oaf than anything.

You really are naive if you think this is true just for 1 minute. Women love it when men fight because of them even if it's for the wrong reasons. It's a huge ego boost to them. They are very wicked in this regard.

Women could care less if you are right and are sincere in your apologies this girl deep inside would have loved for OP to have gotten his ass beat. He didn't beat his ass beat but OP was embarrassed and was made to look like a b|tch so I bet she was happy anyway.

 

[theunflushables]

You really are naive if you think this is true just for 1 minute. Women love it when men fight because of them even if it's for the wrong reasons. It's a huge ego boost to them. They are very wicked in this regard.

Women could care less if you are right and are sincere in your apologies this girl deep inside would have loved for OP to have gotten his ass beat. He didn't beat his ass beat but OP was embarrassed and was made to look like a b|tch so I bet she was happy anyway.

Or is just cynical to think that all women act the same way?

Women are driven by emotion which makes them irrational, which means unpredictable.

I'm not discounting what you've said and it well may be the case. I'm just saying you can't claim knowledge over how an irrational and unpredictable mind will work 100% of the time. So you can't claim naivety. Maybe she was pissed that Joe was acting like a douche, maybe she was secretly getting off on this confrontation or maybe there is something missing from the story. Only person who really knows whats going on is Jen.

 

[Atom Smasher]

It sounds like you purposely put your hand there knowing she would hit it with her face.

If I were that guy, I would have hammered you. You pretty much asked for it. I actually think he went easy on you.

This is not a direct statement to you personally, but I'm fiercely protective and if someone were to touch my girlfriend I'd pound him into oblivion. I may be over-stating, but I would certainly physically return the "prank" tenfold. I'm only saying this to remind you that there are plenty of guys out there like me who would go psycho on a man who touched his woman.

That being said, there are lots of guys who get all blustery and challenging when a man even utters the slightest insult to a woman. A buddy of mine said "Go f yourself" to a woman at a golf outing recently and some self-proclaimed "savior" threatened him physically. He fancies himself the protector of all womankind; AFCness at its best.

But touching, that is another story. It's best to play it safe for your own well-being, but to me it's a matter of man-to-man respect. You disrespected him even more than her, so thank your lucky stars that you got off light. Respect your brothers and their territory, I always say.

 

[f283000]

This is not a direct statement to you personally, but I'm fiercely protective and if someone were to touch my girlfriend I'd pound him into oblivion. I may be over-stating, but I would certainly physically return the "prank" tenfold. I'm only saying this to remind you that there are plenty of guys out there like me who would go psycho on a man who touched his woman.

That's not your woman that's your gf. You only have 1 woman and that's your wife. Gf's are disposable commodities that come and go. A few months from now she might be sucking off on some other guy and she will repeat that cycle till she finally settles down to her man. But until then she is not "your woman."

 

[kingsam]

maybe you did it a little far/roughly/harshly , we'll will never kno! <- unlikely tho

all the other guys have got the women (esp joes GF) on a massive f-ing pedestal like they are perfect angels, she is doing some good passive agressive stuff there

BS

some women are just evil.... i remember a friends ex once starting insulting me big time (she was a C~NT tho! )

and your buddy JOE is whipped big time

-------

This is not a direct statement to you personally, but I'm fiercely protective and if someone were to touch my girlfriend I'd pound him into oblivion. I may be over-stating, but I would certainly physically return the "prank" tenfold. I'm only saying this to remind you that there are plenty of guys out there like me who would go psycho on a man who touched his woman..

AS you tough guy!
even a touch on the shoulder..? thats touching..?
where is the line between "touching" and "non touching"

 

[Kailex]

Why is Jen going to say anything?
She was LOVING ALL of the attention she was getting from this "harmless act".

She probably got all wet at the simple fact that her boyfriend was ready to go caveman on you, as well as the other people as well.

She didn't say much because she was too aware of her vagine being marinated in her own juices simply because the night became about her.


Forget these people... not worth your time and the fact that you even apologized to them means that you are going to the a b!tch in their eyes from now on.

I will say this: OP, you're not in 3rd grade, why the hell are you even putting yourself in this situation in the first place? That wasn't a simple prank of just pulling out a chair from underneath someone or anything childish like that. You're dealing with grown people. Well... kinda.

 

[iqqi]

You did not slap the GF, and that is where the problem lies.

You should never have let it get to the point where it being a slap was the fact everyone was going on.

You should have confronted her in front of everyone with the facts. You should have first asserted "I did not 'slap' her, like it is being made to seem." Then you should have went directly to her, and said, "did you consider that an actual slap to the face?"

That would have been her opportunity to tell you what it was in her POV, maybe she DID feel disrespected even though it was a fake slap. Some people don't like you to touch their face or heads, some people don't like you to 'play' hit them.

Any other kind of discrepancy in the actual events would = no more invites from you.

You should be comfortable around your best buddies, man, and this situation has made everything uncomfortable.

 

[CaptainJ]

Wow, you really pvssyfooted around this one. I'm guessing you are skinny and the b1tch of the group. That slap thing sounds like something i would do, it's pretty funny.

You should have tried to diffuse it by explaining it was a light joke slap, not by "jokingly" hiding behind your friend. And if he hits you after that, then you should take him down and beat the sh1t out of him.

I would confront Joe about this tomorrow, explain it was a light joke slap, and how he had acted had been way out of order. DO NOT admit being in the wrong, because you aren't, and you will forever be the lil ***** of the group.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

I think it was a bad move on your part.

Mistake Number One was that it would have been OK, if nobody had been drinking, or Joe had seen what happened. But you had, and he didn't.

She was likely embarrassed, and felt like an idiot for "slapping herself" with your hand. She, perhaps not wanting to feel like an idiot for falling for a lame prank (albeit pretty funny) later claimed you slapped her.

There she reframed the action between. Now she is not a foolish prey to a junior high school joke, but an innocent victim. You didn't challenge her reframe.

That was mistake number two.

Mistake number three was not defusing Joe when he came at you. You "played along" with his fighting frame by playfully hiding behind others (as you said). You could have immediately explained to him what happened before he started to get himself worked up. You didn't.

Mistake number four was not doing anything after he hit you. You effectively let him know that you wouldn't fight her frame, you wouldn't fight his frame, and you wouldn't fight his physical action.

You could have jumped all over him, as other posters have suggested, or demand that he and she leave at once (thereby ending the friendship, which is likely toast anyways) but you didn't.

One of the worst things you can do is make people feel stupid in front of others. Their ego will be injured and they will do anything to retaliate.

So to answer the question of your post, your friendship with these two is over. Unless she fesses up to him (not likely) and he realizes he misread the situation. (not likely).

The only thing you can do is set up a meet with him, during the day, in a public place (no drinking) and calmly explain what happened, then leave it up to him. But no expect your friendship with him to ever be the same. In order for that to happen, he'd have to break up with his girl, who he publicly fought to defend. Not likely.

Best thing to do is to take this as a very important life lesson and move on.

 

[Atom Smasher]

AS you tough guy!
even a touch on the shoulder..? thats touching..?
where is the line between "touching" and "non touching"

Anyone with intelligence can make the determination of intent. If the touch is friendly and harmless, that should be obvious. If the touch is se_ual or intended to humiliate, I will take action.

 

[Atom Smasher]

That's not your woman that's your gf. You only have 1 woman and that's your wife. Gf's are disposable commodities that come and go. A few months from now she might be sucking off on some other guy and she will repeat that cycle till she finally settles down to her man. But until then she is not "your woman."

You're playing with semantics. For myself, I would only call a woman my "girlfriend" if I was seriously involved enough to consider marriage. Anyone else would be a disposable commodity, to be sure.

 

[Effington]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

I tried to ask the girl if I had offended her (this was just after Joe's freakout), but that's when she gave me a blank look and just left. Perhaps I thought we were better friends and didn't expect it to blow out of proportion like that. I originally thought the entire encounter was a joke, and I thought I was playing along...I didn't think she/anyone was serious. The reality might have been just me not realizing people were actually ticked, I don't know. However, the more I think about it, the more I'm thinking this girl might be an AW. Let's just say she received a call-back from the casting crew of "Jersey Shores".

I don't plan to get in touch with either of them going forward. I'm actually pretty ticked at both of them right now still, and I think if they felt they were sorry they would have contacted me by now. As I mentioned above, I'm going to hang out with some people this weekend that were there, so hopefully they can give me some better perspective as to what they saw happened.

 

[Evzone]

The only thing you can do is set up a meet with him, during the day, in a public place (no drinking) and calmly explain what happened, then leave it up to him.

Do this, and do it promptly. Call him tomorrow morning. Bros before hoes. He was out of line, but you could have defused everything right then and there by just explaining things on the spot. He could have legitimately thought that you slapped his girlfriend in a hostile manner, since you didn't explain anything then and even as you said hid behind someone, which certainly makes you look guilty.

If the story that you posted is the truth, then call him up tomorrow to meet, just you and him. If he's still being a ****, then cut it off.

 

[Ease]

Mate you did nothing wrong to that girl. Everyone knows it. Problem is that everyone knows that your also being a wuss, and is disrespecting you.

When he first slapped you pretty hard you should have made it obvious that it wasnt ok. Fair enough you didnt want to make a scene but a 'Wtf are you doing, it was a joke you prick' was warranted.

Next time he approached you, you should have hit him.

This is straight up man issues. You dont deal with this buy communication and apologies and meeting up during day time, you deal with it by standing up for yourself. When a guy pushes you up against a wall, you hit him. When a guy slaps you, you hit him.

 

[CaptainJ]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

I tried to ask the girl if I had offended her (this was just after Joe's freakout), but that's when she gave me a blank look and just left. Perhaps I thought we were better friends and didn't expect it to blow out of proportion like that. I originally thought the entire encounter was a joke, and I thought I was playing along...I didn't think she/anyone was serious. The reality might have been just me not realizing people were actually ticked, I don't know. However, the more I think about it, the more I'm thinking this girl might be an AW. Let's just say she received a call-back from the casting crew of "Jersey Shores".

I don't plan to get in touch with either of them going forward. I'm actually pretty ticked at both of them right now still, and I think if they felt they were sorry they would have contacted me by now. As I mentioned above, I'm going to hang out with some people this weekend that were there, so hopefully they can give me some better perspective as to what they saw happened.

No! Don't ignore your problems! They just get bigger and bigger. Meet up with Joe and clear things up! If you don't do it promptly, then you'll forever have a dark mark against your name. If he still doesn't like you after that, THEN you break off the friendship, but make sure you clear your name and regain some dignity.