Want to get her back? Why would you want to?

dannyegg4575

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I woke up this morning, I come to a realization. Many people come to this site, asking for help in getting the exes back.

I am no relationship expert, but I do act on logic. And here is what logic tells me. I'm sure that a lot of us are great guys here. We are here because we're way too good to our women, I think. However, let me ask you this question...

Of course it's different for everybody. so.. you have to sit down and really think about it.

Firstly, can you ever trust this person again? A woman dumps a guy only when she has someone else lined up. She does it because she thinks that the other guy on the other side of the fence is better. What happens is, she keeps you hanging on while she tests the waters with the other guy without telling you. So, while she convinced you that things are going great, she moved on emotionally already. Do you get it? Us guys, we don't do that. We are straight up and we just do it.

Given that is the case, picture yourself in that situation where she does come back. Seriously, can you imagine trusting her to not cheat on you again? Every time she's out, you’ll always have that haunting feeling and conscious thought of asking, “who’re you going out with?” What are you going to do? guys... you can't go back.

Secondly, when you were with her, you placed a trust between you two where you see her as someone pure. That's why when you made love to her, you are thinking you've made love to someone really special. The fact that she'd broken that trust, love making will never be the same again. In the back of your mind, she slept with someone else during your absense.

Thirdly, you need to understand that you are not a door mat. If she is to see you as a door mat, that will all you will ever be in her mind. You are a pushover that she can always come back to and reuse. That means that it's too easy to go with someone else and you empower to know that no matter, you will always be there for her should her next relationship with someone else fails. My question for you is, are you able to deal with this?

Fourth, this is something that you will have to deal with. If you are so sure she's the one, she's going to be the one. Someone you will be with for the rest of your life. Meaning, it will be 40+ years, if you're lucky she hasn't moved on already with someone else. Do you understand? Your relationship failed for a reason. It will continue to fail until you figure out what that problem is. It may not necessarily be you but it is vitally important to understand that you are also the culprit to your demise. Move on to the next one having given this lesson. 40+ years with someone you don't love is going to cost you dearly. Think about it.

Fifth, you're beating yourself up now because you're going through your garbage trying to find something that is already thrown in and consumed. You may think you need it back, but the mess you make is hardly worth it. You'll end up with a big mess.

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I remember the first time I was LJBF, it was crazy. I was like 22 and she was like 18. It was one crazy roller coaster I tell you. I cried my heart out for this chick. I rode the bus for an hour just to see her everyday. It was sweet and all but it seriously, means little. In our mind/heart, we think that's what women want, the truth is, it's not. ALL WOMEN have this problem... and it's that they are always seeking for something that is impossible to attain. They envisioned a rich prince charming would come and sweep them off their feet.

Whatever you do guys, don't be such a nice guy!!! If she had broken up with you, let her go. Let her decide if it was a right decision. She is not stupid... It doesn't matter what her parents say, or what her friends say. what matters is what her heart says. and her heart is where you will get to her. Think of the things you've done for her and how you encouraged her to grow. If she does come back, you then decide what you want to do with it. If she doesn't, at least you have your sanity by moving on with your life.

girls at the age of 14-27 are in general, stupid. They won't know what they've lost until it's gone. but they will continue to look for that one guy who is MR. Perfect. and by the time they're 30 or something and they still don't get that guy, they'll settle for anything.
Remember guys, girls don't get to choose. They are to be the ones chasing us, not the other way around. Because when they're all old and ugly, they either become feminists or they settle for anything. Use this time to look for something for yourself. Pursue your career rather than chase dreams.




I'll add more if something comes up... hope this helps...
 
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DonGorgon

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Getting ex's back has to do with the EGO... The hurt broken ego that needs to regain that on which it thrived for soo long... The best and only way to save your ego is to dump her before she dumps you which is harder for men cause we dont tend to have as many extra options as females do....
 

KontrollerX

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Great post Danny and to add onto Don's point about EGO it is also about getting the specific version of the love drug back that she offered you through her validation of you.

Without her you go through a withdrawal of that which brings a lot of pain much like an addict going without their fix for too long of a time.

Whats funny is even if you get her back with you that drug's effect will not give you the same high over time just like with a real drug addict lol.
 

DonGorgon

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KontrollerX said:
Great post Danny and to add onto Don's point about EGO it is also about getting the specific version of the love drug back that she offered you through her validation of you.

Without her you go through a withdrawal of that which brings a lot of pain much like an addict going without their fix for too long of a time.

Whats funny is even if you get her back with you that drug's effect will not give you the same high over time just like with a real drug addict lol.
exactly... it took me 4 years to stop thinking I wanted/needed my ex from and 8 year relationship back....
 

dannyegg4575

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wow... 4 years to get over it hey? holy crap...

i can totally understand where we all come from. when the woman of our lives planned the exit, she doesn't give you any warning. she simply does it behind our back and hoped that the other guy would be ok for her. If he isn't, she could come back to you, thinking you'll always be there for her.

I tell you now... it is not worth the hassle. Cut her loose from your mental frame of mind and get moving as fast as you can.
 

Blue Phoenix

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Blue Phoenix

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Guys, I have a question to you. At the beginning you remain strong and she likes you for it. However, when she sees that you like her very much she bails. What is the reason behind this?

We have to be the catch and remain a challenge but, aren´t we forcing them to pursue what they can´t have? After they know they "got" us, they leave.

This is a trend I´ve been noticing.
 

TheVirtualMind

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I got this off another site and it was GOLDEN!

Whats up all,

I may not have many posts on this board, or much rep power, but I probably frequent these boards just as much as the next guy on here.

Lately, I've been coming to the Relationship Help section because I, myself, am coping with the demise of an 18 month relationship - my first serious one.
I created this thread to help people in similar situations....

Those who are in the process of moving on.

This is going to be a lengthy post, but its not like you have anything better to do. If anything, it'll pre-occupy you from doing something lame like checking your email and cell for the next 5 minutes to see if he/she tried to contact you.

I have tried to compile a number of techniques that I have used which have helped me immensely in getting through this (excluding the popular choices of PIITB, lock the ex in a cage with Brian Peppers and Orly the Owl, beat the ex up with your wow strong arms, etc. etc. etc.)

First off, if you aren't at the closure stage yet... and still hoping that your relationship hasn't completely dissolved and there is still the prospect of you and your significant other getting back together, the first thing you need to do is consider your own situation:

-Did he/she dump you? Why do you think?
-Did he/she cheat on you? Did you cheat on him/her?
-Did he/she lie to you? Did you lie to him/her?

If the relationship ended as a result of your partner cheating on/lieing to you, why do you want them back?

What makes this person so much better than any other girl/guy out there? Your partner has openly displayed that they do not care for you and your feelings. Regardless of how much they may apologize and tell you that you're the only one they want to be with, it is not true.

People make mistakes, but this is no mistake. This person has deliberately committed to an action which they knew would belittle you, prior to even going through with it. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE WITH THEM? It's time to move on.


On the other hand, if the relationship has ended as a result of something YOU have done, you should again consider the circumstances. Put yourself in your partners shoes, would you take them back if they had done this to you?

Seriously take some time to consider this.

If the answer is no, then no matter how ****ty it makes you feel, it is time for you to accept that you messed up, learn from what you did wrong, and move on.

If the answer is yes, but no matter what you do your ex still won't forgive you, it's again time to learn from what you did wrong, accept responsibility for messing up, and ultimately learn from the experience.

Finally, if the relationship has ended as a result of a mutual understanding between you and partner that this relationship was not going to work, you need to come to terms with the reasons you and your ex have outlined behind the break. Keep in mind that trying to gloss over them is a great way to set the stage for future heartache.

Now that we have taken a look at some of the reasons why you would be in this situation, lets take a look at the actual process of getting over your ex. Before you reach this stage, however, you need to come to terms with the fact that the relationship IS, infact, OVER WITH.... for whatever reason. Before getting over your ex, you need to have determined within yourself that staying in this relationship would NOT result in a positive outcome for either you, him/her, or the both of you combined.

Now, let's get over this person.

For starters, take your ex off that pedestal. Quit checking your phone every hour to see if they have called. Stop looking at those pictures of them as if those were the glory days - if you were like 99% of couples, you had problems at that time too. Everyone has their faults, so come on now, what are some things you didn't like about your ex? Key in on those things, and for Christ's sakes do NOT go out of your way for him/her. You have accepted the fact that you no longer want to be with this person, so why do they deserve preferential treatment?!?!

Second, make sure that you know that it's over. Quit holding on to those little glimmers of hope that there is some chance that the two of you will get back together. If you want to heal, you need to come to terms with the fact that it's over, for good.

Third, DON'T CALL HIM/HER! Don't email, don't text, don't ANYTHING! This gets easier with time, trust me. If you think you might slip up and dial his/her number when you're drunk, DON'T DRINK. Getting drunk isn't going to help you anyways. Never put yourself in any situation where you might slip up and give in. Occupy yourself. Immerse your leisure time in bodybuilding, sports, other people, whatever. Don't be weak - even if you are able to beg and cry your way back into this relationship, you have not fixed the underlying problems which led to its demise. All you will accomplish is letting your ex know that you're they're beeeeyotch.... come to terms with the obvious fact that your ex DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PART OF YOUR DAILY ROUTINE! DONT CONTACT THEM, pledge on the Holy Bible, the Qu'ran, I don't know what you gotta do.... just don't slip up or you will get hurt.

Fourth, do whatever you have to to rid your system of this person. Write out all your feelings in a letter, how much you're hurting, what they did to you, how sorry you are, how much you hate them, how hard of a time you're having... cry if you need to. Then fold this letter up, put it in an envelope, and then....

BURN THAT SHEEEYAT!

Don't hold on to it, and definately don't send it. Your ex and their new boyfriend or girlfriend will have a good laugh about you if you decide to send this letter.

Fifth, along with getting rid of those feelings in that letter take everything he/she has given you, put it in a bag or box, and leave it outside for garbage day. Don't expect any of the items you gave him/her back, you can't get them anyways because you're not calling him/her, and you're not answering his/her calls. Come on now, this stuff wasn't really that great anyways. Your ex never really did know what kind of gifts you liked, did they? All the more reason for this break up.

Sixth, chill with your homies, improve yourself, and exercise your new found freedom. You're single again! WTF are you doing sulking? You're now free to do any of that stuff your ex never approved of - including all-day shopping sprees, the NBA playoffs, going to the bar, poker night, video games, checking out other people - and most importantly - MEETING NEW PEOPLE THAT WOULD MAKE BETTER PARTNERS THAN YOUR EX. And I guess even more important than that - MEETING NEW PEOPLE THAT ARE BETTER IN THE SAC THAN YOUR EX.

Get on with your life already, you were not dating the epitome of a man/woman. There were many restrictions placed on you in this relationship, and you're now free to enjoy things that you couldn't for the duration of this relationship under your exes rule.

Take advantage, you only live once.

Understand that it's not the easiest thing in the world to get over an ex-love, but while you are alone... never play the old relationship up to something that it wasn't - perfect.

Infact, it was far from it... after all, that's why you're here, isn't it?
 

ready123

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Blue Phoenix said:
Guys, I have a question to you. At the beginning you remain strong and she likes you for it. However, when she sees that you like her very much she bails. What is the reason behind this?

We have to be the catch and remain a challenge but, aren´t we forcing them to pursue what they can´t have? After they know they "got" us, they leave.
you assume the only thing keeping a girl by your side is your ability to make her jump through hoops. that's a misconception

don't you have qualities other than intrigue that a girl would find of value? if you were positive your core identity wasn't AFC-ish, would you care if that girl finally figured you out?

telling a girl you like her is not gonna make her bail. neither is being vulnerable at times for the sake of being human
 

Eaglecreek

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dannyegg4575, good posts so far (for the posts I've read so far)

I took me 6,5 months to realise what you wrote here and get over my ex, still recovering, but atleast the realisation has come. I now know that there's no turning back, and in a way I'm lucky for that, considering the bullsh*t I've been put through. Anyway, I'm just 20 years old, what the fvck was I thinking when I started a relationship, I'm far to young to start one. That realisation has come aswell :yes:: Stop caring, start having some fun, if the relationship is starting to become a drag: bail!
 

Blue Phoenix

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Ready 123 I agree man. Maybe the difference is WHEN to tell her you like her.
I´ve run into girls that once they know I like them, they bail. It´s like I´m some kind of "challenge" to be conquered. That´s why I asked.
 

dannyegg4575

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"telling a girl you like her is not gonna make her bail. neither is being vulnerable at times for the sake of being human"

Telling her that you love her will suffocate her. You're telling her she'd won and that you're ready to settle and be wusslike to her like all the other nice guys.

Only after you've been together for a long long time can you throw it in once in awhile. But if you haven't been together that long or you constantly tell her, you're going to set yourself up for heartache.
 

DonGorgon

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Blue Phoenix said:
Guys, I have a question to you. At the beginning you remain strong and she likes you for it. However, when she sees that you like her very much she bails. What is the reason behind this?

We have to be the catch and remain a challenge but, aren´t we forcing them to pursue what they can´t have? After they know they "got" us, they leave.

This is a trend I´ve been noticing.

Women are very sensitive to weakness in men and respond very negatively to it.. Women are also very illogical so they often interpret you loving them completely as a sign of you becoming weak for them... They think that the ultimate strength is a man who can resist falling in love with them. You must have the strength to always hold something back...
 

tick37

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That euphoric feeling from falling in love goes away at most after about 3 years. Then you're left with someone that you decided to stay with and ignore the red flags. So, it's best to be strong and try to use your head as much as possible as apposed to using your heart.
 

ready123

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dannyegg4575 said:
Telling her that you love her will suffocate her. You're telling her she'd won and that you're ready to settle and be wusslike to her like all the other nice guys.

Only after you've been together for a long long time can you throw it in once in awhile. But if you haven't been together that long or you constantly tell her, you're going to set yourself up for heartache.
telling a girl you love her in a way that subcommunicates neediness is what kills it, whether it's too early in the relationship, too much, etc. it's always the how instead of the what

if you told a girl you were into her, but subcommunicated you could walk away from her, you don't lose anything
 

DonGorgon

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tick37 said:
That euphoric feeling from falling in love goes away at most after about 3 years. Then you're left with someone that you decided to stay with and ignore the red flags. So, it's best to be strong and try to use your head as much as possible as apposed to using your heart.

LOL are so right and the purpose of that euphoric phase is for you to loose your mind and copulate wildly until you impregnate her in a fit of love / lust... We complicate it but nature just wants us to make more humans to continue the species..
 

Blue Phoenix

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"If you told a girl you were into her, but subcommunicated you could walk away from her, you don't lose anything".

I think this is fine. Yet if they bail it´s because they were not into you anyway.

I say this because once a girl told me she "loved me" and that made me run for the hills. Something I know is that I was not into her, maybe that´s why it didn´t work out for her.
 
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